Final say in decisions

[mommyto 2]

Thanks for all of the input.
I know that it does sound like it is a control issue on my part - but I can only assure you it is not. I really do not want to go into the extensive history, because it is off point and I didn't want to make this a bigger issue then it is or isn't for that matter.

I guess where I am now confused, is that in the past, when ex disagreed about certain educational/medical decisions, I could have done it anyway. I thought joint meant both parties had to come to an agreement.

My court order only states I am to keep him informed. It does not make any statement about how decisions are arrived at.

I am really not trying to be difficult. I am just frustrated over some things, now this.

Fine, I will have her tested again.

 

[wileybunch]

It is not about the IEP, our son has one.

I'm assuming the IEP is for something else, not for speech issues?

How old is the child?

 

[Humusluvr]

Thanks for all of the input.
I know that it does sound like it is a control issue on my part - but I can only assure you it is not. I really do not want to go into the extensive history, because it is off point and I didn't want to make this a bigger issue then it is or isn't for that matter.

I guess where I am now confused, is that in the past, when ex disagreed about certain educational/medical decisions, I could have done it anyway. I thought joint meant both parties had to come to an agreement.

My court order only states I am to keep him informed. It does not make any statement about how decisions are arrived at.

I am really not trying to be difficult. I am just frustrated over some things, now this.

Fine, I will have her tested again.

I can understand your frustration, when it seems like a parent just wants to keep taking a child back to the doctor just to finally PROVE there's something wrong. They doctor shop until the doctor says what they WANT to hear.

But understand his frustration too. You think you know it all about Speech Therepy, but he doesn't agree. So he wants a second opion, and you want your word to be final.

I can honestly see both sides.

 

[profmum]

Thanks for all of the input.
I know that it does sound like it is a control issue on my part - but I can only assure you it is not. I really do not want to go into the extensive history, because it is off point and I didn't want to make this a bigger issue then it is or isn't for that matter.

I guess where I am now confused, is that in the past, when ex disagreed about certain educational/medical decisions, I could have done it anyway. I thought joint meant both parties had to come to an agreement.

My court order only states I am to keep him informed. It does not make any statement about how decisions are arrived at.

I am really not trying to be difficult. I am just frustrated over some things, now this.

Fine, I will have her tested again.

Good decision, not worth picking this battle..you are better off allowing this then getting an expensive legal battle

 

[mommyto 2]

wileybunch - my son has an IEP because he is autistic.

Humusluvr - it is about looking for something in our daughter. This is the third in a series of looking for problems in our daughter. Last year it was vision problems. Three doctors later - still normal vision. Mind you she is an excellent student, well behaved, and I think just a great kid. She has now starting saying that her father always finds things wrong with her. Last week he called her fat and that she has a pot belly. Even though her doctor has stated she is within normal range for her weight. He was at the appointment.

I am just frustrated.
Thanks for the input though!!!
Happy holidays.

 

[Humusluvr]

wileybunch - my son has an IEP because he is autistic.

Humusluvr - it is about looking for something in our daughter. This is the third in a series of looking for problems in our daughter. Last year it was vision problems. Three doctors later - still normal vision. Mind you she is an excellent student, well behaved, and I think just a great kid. She has now starting saying that her father always finds things wrong with her. Last week he called her fat and that she has a pot belly. Even though her doctor has stated she is within normal range for her weight. He was at the appointment.

I am just frustrated.
Thanks for the input though!!!
Happy holidays.

I understand what you're saying.

The one that gets me is parent's who medicate their kids, calling them hyper or ADHD, and they really just need better parenting skills. Some kids don't need Ritalin, they just need a time out!

There are people who will continually search for medical issues, where there are none. My mom tells me to get my hearing checked all the time, because I always say "What? I can't understand you."

It's not my hearing.

She mumbles.

Arg.

 

[wileybunch]

You haven't said the child doesn't have the problem saying her R's, so I don't think this is an issue with "finding something wrong" with her, but if you tell me she's 5, then I would be inclined to say that Dad's probably doing what he thinks is right. My mom thinks speech issues should be addressed ASAP and not sit on them, but "experts" will say otherwise.

Is there a reason why you won't say how old the child is?? I've asked twice now.

 

[mommyto 2]

My daughter is 8 - sorry.
She does not have a problem with her /r/ sounds. A previous therapist evaluated her last year at ex's request, found no delays. I will say that when our daughter speaks quickly or is very tired she has a mildly distorted medial vocalic r, such as in bird, word, or hurry.

Also developmentally /r/ are not truly considered developmentally delayed until 8.

Most therapist will work with them sooner, but studies have shown if you wait until the child is at least 8 they will develop on their own.

But this is not about the speech - it is about how decisions are made between two people, when there is one with a different opinion!

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

My daughter is 8 - sorry.
She does not have a problem with her /r/ sounds. A previous therapist evaluated her last year at ex's request, found no delays. I will say that when our daughter speaks quickly or is very tired she has a mildly distorted medial vocalic r, such as in bird, word, or hurry.

Also developmentally /r/ are not truly considered developmentally delayed until 8.

Most therapist will work with them sooner, but studies have shown if you wait until the child is at least 8 they will develop on their own.

But this is not about the speech - it is about how decisions are made between two people, when there is one with a different opinion!

"Studies have shown" is not the same thing as being proven definitively. Dad has as much right to be concerned as you have to not be concerned. As long as Dad isn't infringing on your time, what's the harm in letting this "service" happen?

And as for your last sentence, if the situation were reversed would you want DAD to be able to just unilaterally and arbitrarily say no, and not allow someone to address your concerns? Didn't think so...

 

[mommyto 2]

ProSeDadinMD -
And as for your last sentence, if the situation were reversed would you want DAD to be able to just unilaterally and arbitrarily say no, and not allow someone to address your concerns? Didn't think so...

I have been in the reverse situation, where because father did no I did not get "my way". I was under the assumption that both parties had to agree. So in the future I am wondering how this is handled. Once again, I have never left ex out of any decision making.There is so much to this story that to even begin to tell it would be like reading "War and Peace" (no pun intended). Ex does many things, like this, then takes me to court. Puts this kind of stuff in his papers and then gets himself slammed by the Judge. For example, last time he wrote that he wants total say over all activities that the children participate in. Mind you, due to past issues, he is only allowed to have the children for periods not to exceed 24 hour (also ruled on by a Judge, when he took me to court three times back) due to behaviors the Judge found unsettling. I never requested that, the Judge decided upon that on his own. I have never brought him to court, asked for increased child support, refused his visitation, and I email him usually twice a week with any updates. This is about me trying to co-parent the best way I can. I guess my problem is how many evaluations will our daughter have to go through before he is satisfied?

I really thought this initially was a simple question, I see it is not. Parent of Primary residence is not able to have any more say then the other parent?!?! Right!

As far as the speech stuff - I didn't mean to imply anything profound. Just how speech services by the NJDOE are suppose (I use that term loosely) to be determined.

 

[Ohiogal]

Thanks for all of the input.
I know that it does sound like it is a control issue on my part - but I can only assure you it is not. I really do not want to go into the extensive history, because it is off point and I didn't want to make this a bigger issue then it is or isn't for that matter.

I guess where I am now confused, is that in the past, when ex disagreed about certain educational/medical decisions, I could have done it anyway. I thought joint meant both parties had to come to an agreement.
My court order only states I am to keep him informed. It does not make any statement about how decisions are arrived at.

I am really not trying to be difficult. I am just frustrated over some things, now this.

Fine, I will have her tested again.

Where I am confused is in your contradicting statements -- when the ex disagreed you could have done it anyway. So basically you could do it but he can't unless you agree? And your order states you only have to keep him informed even though he has joint legal? Well you have to keep him informed and he has to keep you informed but he has the right to make decisions as well. You are BOTH her parents.

Oh and dad can have her tested again. He has that right.

 

[Ohiogal]

I really thought this initially was a simple question, I see it is not. Parent of Primary residence is not able to have any more say then the other parent?!?! Right!

Right. You just have MORE time with the child as primary residence. EVERYTHING ELSE is equal.

My daughter is 8 - sorry.
She does not have a problem with her /r/ sounds. A previous therapist evaluated her last year at ex's request, found no delays. I will say that when our daughter speaks quickly or is very tired she has a mildly distorted medial vocalic r, such as in bird, word, or hurry.

Also developmentally /r/ are not truly considered developmentally delayed until 8.

Most therapist will work with them sooner, but studies have shown if you wait until the child is at least 8 they will develop on their own.

But this is not about the speech - it is about how decisions are made between two people, when there is one with a different opinion!

Actually it is about speech and you are contradicting yourself again. You had your child evaluated at the age of 7 even though speech therapists won't work with a child until the age of 8 (which is false by the way -- many children have speech therapy a lot younger than 8) and even though it is not considered delayed on /r/ until the child is 8. Now the child is 8 and you don't want her re-evaluated even though she doesn't always say her /r/ correctly.

 

[Bucky41]

Where I am confused is in your contradicting statements -- when the ex disagreed you could have done it anyway. So basically you could do it but he can't unless you agree? And your order states you only have to keep him informed even though he has joint legal? Well you have to keep him informed and he has to keep you informed but he has the right to make decisions as well. You are BOTH her parents.

Oh and dad can have her tested again. He has that right.

OG, I think she meant that she COULD have done it but didn't as she thought both had to agree.

 

[mommyto 2]

Ohiogal - Maybe my statement was confusing. What I meant is that in the past when ex did not agree I did not go forward, because I felt we both should agree when making educational and/or medical decisions.

As far as having our daughter evaluated when she was 7, my ex wanted it then too. I agreed, thinking it would assure him that she was fine. The speech-language pathologist informed both of us that she was well within developmental levels and had no speech delays.

I am not trying to be difficult. I just wish you would not paint this picture of me being controlling. I am truly just trying to find out my rights and how to best work with the father when we don't agree. This is only the current issue. I am sure there will be many more as the children enter their teenage years. I do not want to spend their entire childhood fighting with their father, nor do I always want to agree, just to keep the peace. I don't wish to be controlling but nor do I want to be controlled. Does that make sense.

 

[mommyto 2]

Ohiogal - yes you are correct about therapist seeing children younger then 8. I was speaking just about a child with only an /r/ error. Some children are seen by a SLP as infants. Some children with articulation errors may being at 2 or 3 depending on the severity of the problem. Also phonemes develop at different rates and times. Some develop earlier some are later.