Ohiogal said:
This is going to be a concern to the judge -- you want your child to go live with someone who has not paid support in over two years and who -- if served with documents outlining his legal responsibilities and trying to enforce such -- would walk away from his kids. Yet you think this man having custody of a minor child is in the best interest of said minor child? I think the judge would have a very hard time approving any shared agreement with those facts.
What we are trying to do is make the most out of a difficult situation. Just because his father missed support payments over the years does not make him an abusive or neglectful father to the point that he cannot care for his son now. When he missed payments he was struggling financially and has always promised to make up any missed payments. And as of late he has made the effort to do so by sending a little extra each month.
I could certainly get upset each and every time he doesn't call when I think he should, or when he missed payments or when he chose to do something I would not personally agree should have priority over our children. I could have hired a lawyer and taken the matter before the courts each and every time. But as I said I firmly believe the parent child relationship is more important than the money. Keeping the peace between all members involved has worked better for us than constant legal battles that could have taken place.
I have several male friends who are on the other end of the playing field where they have children in which they are the non-custodial parent. This in no way is meant to be stereotypical of all fathers but the ones I have discussed my situation with have gotten me to realize they are not all bad fathers just because they are not there on a daily basis. "Out of site out of mind" is one term I could use to explain some of their behaviors. While they love their children very much and they enjoy spending time with them and they know the right thing to do is financially and emotionally support their children, it is easy to live their day to day lives living in the moment. If the child is not in front of them right then and there they focus their attention on those things that are. Maybe that is just my way of looking for the good in the situation instead of focusing on the negatives.
Another point I would like to make is....we as people and as parents all grow as we are go through life. While my ex has done some things I think are personally irresponsible when it comes to our children like not being around all the time and not putting the kids before every other thing in his life I have seen a path of improvement and growth. His fatherly responsibilities have improved over the years. Had I taken him to court and constantly criticized him at every turn of the road I could have pushed him away to the point that he was ready to throw in the towel. Instead he is still around now and willing to step up to the plate and do what he can to help our son who is having difficulties.
My sister was in a similar situation. Her ex did not pay support as he should have. She would hire a lawyer, take him to court, the judge would order him to pay and just as the garnishments were getting setup he would quit his job and move on to the next one. He worked in construction so it was easier for him to find a job where he got paid under the table, etc. For 15 years my sister spent so much time in court and so much money on attorney fees to try to get the support the kids were owed. Needless to say when her oldest child was just shy of his 18th b-day the father died with a debt of 45K in back support. Her boys did not even want to visit their father in the hospital or attend the funeral because of what they had seen their mother go through. The legal battles over money torn apart what should have been a loving relationship between father and child. I am not saying what the father did was right. I firmly believe non-custodial parents should pay support and they should be in their children's lives everyday. I just think some things deserve forgiveness and some things are more important than money.
