How much can my parents control me?--I'm 18!

[Crazed98]

I am seeking to be grown up by thinking through my options and looking at what is the wisest way to respond at this point.

Then go away to college and you won't have to deal with your parents as much.

 

[CdwJava]

You are NOT going to change your parents' attitudes. You do not have control over them. You DO have control over your own destiny, however.

It is time for you to make a decision - remain under the current conditions, or leave on your own.

Your choice. Nobody here can make it for you.

- Carl

 

[Just Blue]

I'm trying to act like an adult by not making any hasty decision and trying to live on my own before I'm ready. I'm trying to act like an adult by not causing an unnecessary rift between me and my family. I may not agree with them in everything but I do love them and am not eager to sever my ties with them.
Even if I am an adult, in their eyes I am still their daughter. They would not allow me to leave home. If I leave, it's going to involve running away from home--at least in their eyes. They will not just peaceably let me go. They will go to unbelievable length to make it nigh impossible for me to leave, and if I do succeed in getting away, they will make sure to make my life a nightmare. In which case I'm quite sure they would do something requiring me to take legal action against them, but I really would prefer for it not to come to that.


I am looking for advice here, not to be yelled at thank you very much. Again, I am seeking to be grown up by thinking through my options and looking at what is the wisest way to respond at this point.

You have two choices...
1. Get a backbone and move...you are 18 and can move out of the house without thier permission!

2. Stay, submit to thier control and domination.

It seem like you are looking for a way to have your parents respect without creating any waves....and based on what you have posted here, I don't think you can do that.

Good luck
Bay

 

[Proserpina]

I feel you sweetheart. My dad is pretty chill, but my mom is super controlling. I'm a month away from going to college. I'm 18. My mom can't seem to let go of the reins. I am almost always respectful with her, although the same courtesy is almost never returned to me. My bank account is in my name, but I have to get anything I order sent to my grandma's because my mother will freak out if I spend anything (for reference, I have full scholarships for college, so my parents pay nothing except my meal plan, and I get a monthly allowance from my dad for keeping my grades up, which is no problem, because I am autistic, I almost always stay in my room and study and avoid situations such as parties that involve an excess of social interaction. In short, this bank account is mostly for things I like anyway.) As a return to a friend for driving me somewhere, I bought her a slushy, and my mom flipped. The point is, this is your life. Yes, your parents still do things for you, but you should be able to put your bank account legally in your name. Privacy is a constitutional right. As my mom liked to tell me, as a child your only rights are to food and shelter, but you are not a child anymore. You have a right to being able to talk to your friends, and I would try rationally talking to your parents. If that doesn't work, and you still can't move out, go to the bank and see what can be done about getting the account moved to your name. Legally, you should be able to do it. Don't listed to all these moronic yo-yo's telling you you're supposed to sit there and accept being treated like a five-year-old. Once you have control of your own finances, if you still cannot afford/find some way to move out, start paying your own phone bill. If you do that, your parents cannot object to you talking to whoever you want. If you can, pay your own car insurance and payment. Then they cannot object to you going places. If your parents are snooping through your computer right now, I'm going to tell them that they need to let go. You are their child, not their property. They need to give you some autonomy. They have no reason not to trust you. If anything, I think THEY might need to get medical help for their control complex.

Hey, sweetheart - you've resurrected a long-dead thread.

Don't do that.

 

[HighwayMan]

I feel you sweetheart.

Uh, do you really think that after 11 YEARS the OP is still here to read your comments????

 

[CdwJava]

And for the new necro-poster, I will repeat what my parents told me, and what I have since echoed to my own now-adult children: My house, my rules. If the kid doesn't like it, and he or she is an adult, he or she can move out.

 

[LdiJ]

As far as the bank account thing, I can't just give up the many thousands of dollars I have been saving for the past several yrs. I became a manager of a store at age 16, so I have saved up a decent amount. The account I have *is* my own, it's just that my dad has his name on it and I don't know how to go about changing that without him finding out.

You go to the bank. You take the money out of the account via a cashier's check or even via cash. You could even leave a couple of hundred in the account keep it open and active. You take the cashier's check or the cash to another bank and you open a new account in just your name. If you have direct deposit of your paycheck you switch that to your new account.

The stuff they read about my friends that concerned them is stuff that they took entirely out of context. I can understand how they've taken it, but for one thing, none of it [even if my parents understood in the right context] is worth this fuss they are making. And secondly, my parents refuse to listen to what the actual context of different conversations, thoughts, etc. was.

Once you have your money moved, you use it to move out of your parent's home and into your own place, where you have privacy. However that means that you will be responsible for paying your own way in life, and that is probably going to be more expensive than you realize.

I disagree with some of the other posters in some ways. I do not believe that your parent's have any right to control your money or invade your privacy. I do agree that as long as you live in their home that you need to obey their rules. If their rules are not reasonable, then its time to get out of their house.

 

[CdwJava]

I disagree with some of the other posters in some ways. I do not believe that your parent's have any right to control your money or invade your privacy. I do agree that as long as you live in their home that you need to obey their rules. If their rules are not reasonable, then its time to get out of their house.

As long as the parents are clear that their adult child has no privacy under their roof, then its probably not a problem. My kids KNOW that the 4th Amendment does not apply in my house. My computer and my phone plan, I can look at them if I want. Don't like it, there's the door. (I don't, but I could.) And none of the bedrooms have locks on them and i can come in and snoop any time I wish. Don't like it, there's the door. (I don't, but I could).

As for "rules," mine are pretty simple. Go to school and work, show me your grades every semester, do a few chores when asked, keep your area clean, come home at a reasonable hour (usually by 1 AM unless I know ahead of time) and follow house rules concerning guests and noise, and you can stay. Hardly "unreasonable." But, when i was a young man and my parents wanted to see my grades, look into my room, and gave me - an "adult" - a curfew, I thought it was "unreasonable" as well ... I moved out and reality hit me like a ton of bricks!

 

[commentator]

Yes, there's a lot of scripture thrown around, but when you're 18 and want to be free like zee bird, it's the Golden Rule that applies. He who has the gold makes the rules.

This little girlie in the original post is what, twenty eight, twenty nine by now? Since there was NO legitimate way she could've been out in the world and credentialed as a regular teacher by eighteen, I assume she was in some sort of homeschool or private religious educational setting. She may be married, safely in the fold and have eight children of her own by now. Or she may have moved out and fought her way to a life without the control of her parents and their rules AND their income. Either way, I'm sure this post would make her cringe now.

The resurrectionist here doesn't seem to realize that living itself costs money, and while he was saving this money, driving to work at this restaurant which he says he was MANAGING at 16, and accumulating cash in his bank account which is his and his alone, his parents were paying for his room, board, clothes, transportation, school fees and electronics. And now he is in danger of being relocated within 30 days to out on his own and having to use this money to pay for a place and food and all the other obvious expenses he isn't aware of yet.

 

[Indiana Filer]

And for the new necro-poster, I will repeat what my parents told me, and what I have since echoed to my own now-adult children: My house, my rules. If the kid doesn't like it, and he or she is an adult, he or she can move out.

That's what I tell my probation clients. If you are over 18 and still live in their house, you follow your parents' rules.

My house, my rules.

 

[cbg]

Quite a lot of commentary for an 11 year old thread.