...also, I'm going to be REAL here...because I know this man, and none of you know me or him.
The fact that he hasn't re-upped OFW, in my opinion, has more to do with the idea that he really doesn't WANT the kids right now. When he's ready to get them, he will "get" the money (he borrows his mother's credit card) and renew his subscription. Then he will get the kids plane tickets and they will fly to see him and they will all have a great summer.
Right now, having the kids is TOUGH. They would be in the house with him all day long. He would be responsible for feeding them and keeping them entertained when most things that they like to do are shut down.
It's been really tough on me! So I get it. I would VERY MUCH love a break from them.
This is just my guess, but I've been doing this for many years with him, and I'm pretty good at anticipating his fluctuations.
It also may help all of you to know that this man is unemployed, has no desire to ever be employed. Any money he has comes from his mother. She is a lovely lady and she treats the kids well when they are there. But she tires of giving him money, so, every so often, the well dries up and he cannot buy things.
I am not at all worried that dad will buy my kid's phones. That's funny. They are expensive and require a monthly payment that is MORE than OFW, which he cannot afford. He has not once bought our children a pair of shoes, never paid for a doctor's appointment, hasn't taken them to the dentist, or paid for his portion of it.
Before dropping my kids off and leaving town this last time, he pushed his current wife in the Walmart parking lot and she fell. She scraped up her arms and legs. This was all in front of our kids. He is not a wonderful dude. He is mentally ill.
We went to counseling for a long time. Me and the boys. He even came a few times. The counselor knew exactly what was going on, and had compassion on him. She wanted to help him. He didn't like that, so he told the boys that if they went to counseling anymore, that there would be hell to pay. I'm sure you can imagine that they've seen enough to know that they would pay dearly...or someone would if they went against Dad.
Dad has recently gone through a "change of heart" where he has apologized through tears to both the children and myself (he apologized to me on OFW, even), so I'm sure he means it. But, mental illness is a B****, and it is often not as simple as having a heart change.
This is the Dad I chose for my kids, so we are working with it. But for some of you to attack ME as if I have a problem...well, it is wrong and unfair. Period.
A little about me: I am married. My husband is 32 years retired ex-military. He is a wonderful, gentle man. He is patient with the boys and cares for them deeply. I have another daughter, who is 19 and autistic. Her father died unexpectedly on 4/30 and she was there. She found him and had to give him CPR and call 911.
The boys love their sister and our little family has been through so much.
I was a mess when I met and married my boy's dad. Our relationship was terrible, and I take responsibility for my part. I was immature and thought we would both "grow up" together. That didn't happen. He was abusive both emotionally and physically and I finally did call the police and have him arrested, which he still blames me for. He tells the children I "made" him hit me and that I called the police to punish him.
Regardless, he begged for forgiveness and went into counseling. We both did. We were remarried (that means we divorced once and were remarried). The second time ended worse than the first. He had to have supervised visitation (I didn't ask for that, it was all done by the courts once the arrest was made) for a while, then graduated to unsupervised.
His relationship with his kids vacillates based on his mental state. He can be very depressed and will cocoon for weeks in his bed watching movies. He will not ask for the kids or communicate with them during these times. Then he may go through a better stage where he is a great dad. He also goes through abusive stages as well. He is now remarried and his wife is a lovely lady. She treats my kids well. But he is abusing her, and my kids spend quite a bit of time worried that she will leave him. They are not wrong. I worry about that, too.
I received 3 years of private counseling after I left my ex-husband. I paid for that myself. I worked multiple jobs to support my kids. I sometimes had THREE jobs at a time. Their father didn't pay child support, and I was working for an attorney who agreed to take him to court for contempt so that maybe I could get some child support from him. (It had built up over the years).
During that trial, I really found out who he was because I had access to his bank records. He was gambling, spending money on dating websites, even donating money (large amounts) to charities. I still don't know where he was getting the money from because he hasn't worked this whole time. (He was employed when we were married, and it was a bone of contention because I required him to work to remain married to me)
During the times that I was eating PBJ to survive, working three jobs, he gambled away thousands of dollars while refusing to pay child support. His right? Sure...but also proof that he is very sick and needs help. When we mediated, I gave up ALL child support (not like it would have been much since he is unemployed) in exchange for custody of the boys during the week so that I could help them with their school. He refuses to do homework during his parenting time. He believes that it is unfair. So that exchange was made.
I have stayed where I am (locally) because of my daughter's father (who just died), and because of the boy's father (who no longer lives here). There is no reason NOT to move now. My husband has applied for a job at a private school that my father attended and graduated from. If he were to be accepted there, our children would have greatly reduced tuition, providing them an excellent opportunity to improve their education.
I am not a clingy parent. Please. Dad. Come. Take. The. Kids.
Seriously. I have things to do this summer. I am a full-time author, and I write TWO books each summer while they are gone. If they don't go, I won't be able to write...or I will have to write at night while they are sleeping, which is a difficult schedule to maintain.
My autistic daughter recently was accepted into the Astronomy program at a school that is also not in our area. So REALLY no reason to stay here. My brother lives close to where we want to relocate. It just makes sense to move and be closer to the boy's dad, closer to my brother, closer to my disabled daughter's new school, and for the boys to be in an excellent private school that offers them a great opportunity.
Another issue, that you wouldn't know because I didn't tell you is that the boy's father is very PHYSICALLY ill. He likely weighs over 400 pounds, has diabetes and when he does speak to the boys, is basically bed-bound. Last year, he took them to Universal Studios for 10 days (his mom paid for it), and he told them that would be the last time he did something like that because it almost killed him. He has arthritis, asthma, high blood pressure, and who knows what else. The boys are constantly afraid that if they don't talk to him for a few days, he is going to die without them knowing. So getting them closer to him, and offering MORE time with him in his mother's home, seems a good option to me. He is also less likely to be abusive in front of his mother, so in my opinion, it is a win-win.
Of course, none of this I can say in court. The minute I tell this story, I am painted as an angry, bitter ex-wife, and he is treated as a victim. That is fine. That is the world we live in. It happens even here.
There are two victims here and they are my kids. I will do whatever I can to make their lives better, and I think I do a pretty good job.
