Is significant other a sitting duck?

[killerzoey]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? HI

Shared legal/physical custody, 2 daughters ages 3 and 6. Kids are with me 4 nights a week, 5 nights every other week. Decree does not state exact visitation, only says "parents shall ponder 50% time share with children", and mentions name of person we can work with to arrive at a good schedule. However, schedule since trial in April 2010 has remained as-is, with ex not requesting a change.

History of ex barging in my house, other uncomfortable boundary stuff in front of our kids.

Therefore my policy has been that ex not come to my house at all. Exchanges are at another location. I do exchanges, not s.o. S.o. is home with youngest during the day while I'm teaching.

S.o. just moved over from another state, after a 1 year + long distance relationship on the heels of a friendship of nearly 20 years. We dated for 3 of those years in our 20s, and have always been friendly and wished the best for each other. He is awesome with the kids and they love him. S.o. has a strong desire to stay out of the middle of things between me and ex. Wants privacy, wants clean, respectful communication.

Here's what happened:

Ex came over to our new house totally unannounced last Thursday. He did not attempt to call first. He knew I was at work at that time and would be off in a few hours. He claimed he was bringing our daughter macaroni that she likes, as she was not feeling well. It was very strange. "Next thing I knew" (said my s.o.), (ex) is walking around the house. He left a child support check near my bed.

A few hours later when I did not immediately return my ex's phone call, he called s.o. Ex left message: "Could you get _ to call me?"

Before s.o. appeared, ex has said that in his mind, since "his" kids live in my house, he has the right to come in if they're ok with it. He has actually said that when I had kids with him I gave up any right to privacy. He later said obviously he doesn't really think that, but based on his actions, I think he at least partially does.

******************************

So, the questions:

Where can I draw the home boundary lines now that s.o. is in the picture?

If I'm at work and s.o. is home with one or more kid, does ex have a right to show up unannounced to see the child(ren)? I don't mind if he wants to make arrangements to see them more, but I do mind him using this as a device to have this casual drop-in anytime arrangement, which I think is what he was doing. He could have easily seen children in a few hours when I was off work, did not even try.

Can s.o. (mind you, he wants to be nice) point to the agreement ex and I have that he not show up at the home, and does that hold if I am not there?

If it becomes something ex starts doing out of aggression/power trip, at any point can I call the cops on ex, given that we have no formal visitation agreement? This may sound like overkill, but I would just like to know.

Regarding the phone, can I or s.o. legally ask ex to not contact s.o. except in emergencies regarding the children/ that all parenting stuff should be through me, including exchange times and places? Can s.o. request that everything be a text, not a call?

Thanks in advance, I need to know this before I send an e-mail clarifying boundaries as they pertain to life with my s.o.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? HI

Shared legal/physical custody, 2 daughters ages 3 and 6. Kids are with me 4 nights a week, 5 nights every other week. Decree does not state exact visitation, only says "parents shall ponder 50% time share with children", and mentions name of person we can work with to arrive at a good schedule. However, schedule since trial in April 2010 has remained as-is, with ex not requesting a change.

History of ex barging in my house, other uncomfortable boundary stuff in front of our kids.

Therefore my policy has been that ex not come to my house at all. Exchanges are at another location. I do exchanges, not s.o. S.o. is home with youngest during the day while I'm teaching.

S.o. just moved over from another state, after a 1 year + long distance relationship on the heels of a friendship of nearly 20 years. We dated for 3 of those years in our 20s, and have always been friendly and wished the best for each other. He is awesome with the kids and they love him. S.o. has a strong desire to stay out of the middle of things between me and ex. Wants privacy, wants clean, respectful communication.

Here's what happened:

Ex came over to our new house totally unannounced last Thursday. He did not attempt to call first. He knew I was at work at that time and would be off in a few hours. He claimed he was bringing our daughter macaroni that she likes, as she was not feeling well. It was very strange. "Next thing I knew" (said my s.o.), (ex) is walking around the house. He left a child support check near my bed.

A few hours later when I did not immediately return my ex's phone call, he called s.o. Ex left message: "Could you get _ to call me?"

Before s.o. appeared, ex has said that in his mind, since "his" kids live in my house, he has the right to come in if they're ok with it. He has actually said that when I had kids with him I gave up any right to privacy. He later said obviously he doesn't really think that, but based on his actions, I think he at least partially does.

******************************

So, the questions:

Where can I draw the home boundary lines now that s.o. is in the picture?

If I'm at work and s.o. is home with one or more kid, does ex have a right to show up unannounced to see the child(ren)? I don't mind if he wants to make arrangements to see them more, but I do mind him using this as a device to have this casual drop-in anytime arrangement, which I think is what he was doing. He could have easily seen children in a few hours when I was off work, did not even try.

Can s.o. (mind you, he wants to be nice) point to the agreement ex and I have that he not show up at the home, and does that hold if I am not there?

If it becomes something ex starts doing out of aggression/power trip, at any point can I call the cops on ex, given that we have no formal visitation agreement? This may sound like overkill, but I would just like to know.

Regarding the phone, can I or s.o. legally ask ex to not contact s.o. except in emergencies regarding the children/ that all parenting stuff should be through me, including exchange times and places? Can s.o. request that everything be a text, not a call?

Thanks in advance, I need to know this before I send an e-mail clarifying boundaries as they pertain to life with my s.o.

Might consider locking the door?

 

[startedone]

I'm waiting for the movie..

 

[killerzoey]

Might consider locking the door?

I did that once...ex just stuck around for over an hour screaming and banging on the door. Walked around all windows, yelled in, got the neighbors involved. It is not pretty. Hence the question about the cops. He totally feels entitled to invade.

But I am asking if s.o. has the kids (being a legal stranger), can he tell their dad to go away if he just drops by. Or can he deny him the right to stop by/come in if he calls ahead and asks.

Mind you, ex can have more time with the kids if he wants it, he doesn't generally ask. This is about being nosy and intrusive. He does not work, seems kind of lonely. Or something. I just know it is disrespectful.

 

[Proserpina]

Might consider locking the door?

Exactly.

Sensible solutions before court


Zoey, your parenting plan seems to be incredibly vague. It's almost indicating that Dad DOES have the right to stop by even if it's not his "night".

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I know that I sure would be calling the cops if I had an X just hanging around banging on doors ...

It is time for you and your X to have a sit down and hash out the rules.

 

[Isis1]

I did that once...ex just stuck around for over an hour screaming and banging on the door. Walked around all windows, yelled in, got the neighbors involved. It is not pretty. Hence the question about the cops. He totally feels entitled to invade.

But I am asking if s.o. has the kids (being a legal stranger), can he tell their dad to go away if he just drops by. Or can he deny him the right to stop by/come in if he calls ahead and asks.

Mind you, ex can have more time with the kids if he wants it, he doesn't generally ask. This is about being nosy and intrusive. He does not work, seems kind of lonely. Or something. I just know it is disrespectful.

maybe i've been through this scenario WAAAAY too much to not understand that the problem is.

so he bangs on the door. you call the cops. the cops tell him to go away. he comes back, bangs on the door. you call the cops. file a restraining order AND a better parenting plan.

 

[CJane]

If I'm remembering your posting history correctly, your ex hasn't ever really emotionally matured past about 13. He's the surfer/trust fund baby, right?

Your S.O. is not going to get in trouble if he's home with kiddos and your ex shows up and he doesn't let him in. Or if he tells him that he needs to get in touch with YOU regarding the children.

He has every right, as a residence of the household, to not let someone in. I don't care WHOSE kids are there.

And if ex is hanging around, banging on doors and screaming, and peeking in the windows, it would be LESS stressful for the kids inside if S.O. called the police and had them deal with the issue.

 

[killerzoey]

I know that I sure would be calling the cops if I had an X just hanging around banging on doors ...

It is time for you and your X to have a sit down and hash out the rules.

I agree with the "sensible solutions before court" thing and sitting down and hashing out the rules. I have no intent of going to court with this. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well, though. And if I had a nickel for every time I've stretched hard to come up with a sensible solution (OR sat down with x and hashed out rules - he does NOT pay attention, he does NOT do what he agrees to do).

What I have found that I need to do is remind him over and over about the agreement. Each time I might get 2 or 3 months of peace. Then I have to remind him again, if I find him on my doorstep. It's a repetition thing. I'm a special ed teacher, makes sense to me (sorry...bad joke).

Anyway, when it was just me I could say "don't come to my house". Over and over. And get peace here and there, as I said.

I feel like can handle it, is what I'm saying. Or maybe I can't--if someone thinks there is a better way, given the communication limitations, I'd love to hear it. But I need to know legally where s.o. stands so that I don't say something that looks like custodial interference, or whatever...you're the lawyers If child were in daycare, I know that they do not have the right to tell a parent they can't pick up their child, even if they think that the other parent fully expects to pick them up later and will be upset to learn that the other parent has the child. That is the kind of thing I'm wondering---does this fall into that area? Is s.o. "daycare" or is this time with family, and s.o. can tell ex to get lost? It's the legal part I'm wondering about. Once I know where I can stand firm, I think I can draw and maintain the line.

If s.o. calls the cops because he locked the door, and ex is outside banging on the door and yelling, the cops will ask for the visitation agreement, yes? And if there is no firm schedule, what do they do then? The only parent is the one ranting and raving on the lanai. Child goes with parent, right? Does that not make s.o. a sitting duck for the whims of my ex?

 

[killerzoey]

If I'm remembering your posting history correctly, your ex hasn't ever really emotionally matured past about 13. He's the surfer/trust fund baby, right?

Yes.

Your S.O. is not going to get in trouble if he's home with kiddos and your ex shows up and he doesn't let him in. Or if he tells him that he needs to get in touch with YOU regarding the children.

Oh--thank you. That is exactly what I was wondering.

He has every right, as a residence of the household, to not let someone in. I don't care WHOSE kids are there.

He'll be glad to hear that.

And if ex is hanging around, banging on doors and screaming, and peeking in the windows, it would be LESS stressful for the kids inside if S.O. called the police and had them deal with the issue.

I agree. Thank you again. I certainly hope to avoid this situation.

It is good to know that it sounds like we have the right to expect some privacy.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Unless your court order has an ROFR in it, then you are legal to leave the child with your SO.

Now, your SO has the right to privacy. With that said, you X can be booted out by the SO if he comes in uninvited. You need to nip this in the bud. NOW.

 

[killerzoey]

Unless your court order has an ROFR in it, then you are legal to leave the child with your SO.

Now, your SO has the right to privacy. With that said, you X can be booted out by the SO if he comes in uninvited. You need to nip this in the bud. NOW.

Thank you. I completely agree. I was composing (yet another) e-mail about boundaries to my ex when I decided to pause and ask for help from this forum so I could be very explicit. I am grateful to have gotten help here. I will send ex an e-mail and talk to s.o. so he knows what is within his rights.

 

[CJane]

If child were in daycare, I know that they do not have the right to tell a parent they can't pick up their child, even if they think that the other parent fully expects to pick them up later and will be upset to learn that the other parent has the child. That is the kind of thing I'm wondering---does this fall into that area? Is s.o. "daycare" or is this time with family, and s.o. can tell ex to get lost?

That's the 'party line' here, but it's not always completely accurate.

If s.o. calls the cops because he locked the door, and ex is outside banging on the door and yelling, the cops will ask for the visitation agreement, yes? And if there is no firm schedule, what do they do then? The only parent is the one ranting and raving on the lanai. Child goes with parent, right? Does that not make s.o. a sitting duck for the whims of my ex?

Not necessarily, no.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

She is well within her right to stop the X from coming into her home uninvited. Her SO is well within HIS rights to stop the X from coming into HIS home. The X does NOT have to be invited in the home.

If the X makes an ass of himself, they call the cops.

The issues is the loosey goosey court order.

Until THAT is straightened out, I'll go with my original suggestion: LOCK. THE. DOOR.

 

[killerzoey]

She is well within her right to stop the X from coming into her home uninvited. Her SO is well within HIS rights to stop the X from coming into HIS home. The X does NOT have to be invited in the home.

If the X makes an ass of himself, they call the cops.

The issues is the loosey goosey court order.

Until THAT is straightened out, I'll go with my original suggestion: LOCK. THE. DOOR.

The court order is definitely loosey goosey. I hesitate to go back to put into writing what we are now doing, though, as his lawyer will probably want to have it written with a 3.5/3.5 50/50 split. Ex has a year-long history refusing to give our 3 year old her asthma meds (preventative) so I really don't want to invite a situation wherein he might have her more than one night. Right now it's one night at a time, and I can get her meds into her. It was a year ago on the 10th that our daughter was admitted for 4 days...almost lost her from asthma. So it's a high priority for me to try to arrange things this way as long as possible, hopefully until she or her sister can make sure she gets her meds. He also doesn't always take our oldest to school (kept her out 9 days in 2 months and went and had fun instead). So this gives me a chance to interrupt what could be a long time out for her. I've kind of managed that one for now, but it could happen again. Figuring out ways around his "parenting" is a full time job.