Mediation

[summerdawn]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

Mediation went amazingly! The mediator we got was just wonderful. I actually left feeling encouraged and uplifted. Father and I got more done in an hour and a half than we have in the last two years. He said that he was sorry he even filed the papers, he did it while he was angry, and that it was stupid and he never even should have done it because we could have worked all that stuff out ourselves without going to court.

We agreed on all of the things that were filed, he said they weren't even concerns to him and he just filed them out of anger, so a lot of them ended up being moot points that he just said didn't matter anyways. There was nothing that he originally filed that he actually stuck to his guns and insisted on. The mediator included in the agreement that father's wife and I shall not contact one another for any reason other than an emergency. She added that father and I should speak via phone for all things regarding the children's health and educational needs and their welfare in general, so that stepmom can't interfere and send me messages acting like they are from him. Father wanted to continue communicating by email because his wife doesn't want us to have any contact and she is the one who reads and answers the emails, but the mediator said that we won't be communicating by email "if she has anything to say about it".

Father didn't even know I had sent him an email twice and contacted his lawyer once about rescheduling the hearing because I was recovering from pneumonia last week. Nobody told him. He didn't know that the lawyer's secretary called me and told me that we needed to go into mediation ASAP because of the "pressing concerns about the children's treatment" at my house. He actually said that he almost cancelled mediation himself because he thought it would be a waste of time-i'm glad he didn't because I feel that it was well worth it.

As for the lice thing, I did take the letter from the kids' school in to the session. When dad started saying that the children had lice for 2 years straight, I waited for him to finish, let the mediator know that I felt that what he was saying was an exaggeration, and offered her the letter. The mediator read it out loud to dad and then made a copy of it to put in our file. I guess it helped just a little bit, which I am grateful for.

We have court on March 21, and I am kind of worried that his wife will flip when she finds out she can't contact me anymore and that he and I have to have direct communication. I hope that his legal party (her uncle) will not try to fight what we agreed to in mediation. I am praying that the mediation agreement will be put into effect as a court order and that this would be the first step in helping dad and I to communicate and raise our children in a cooperative way rather than feeling like we are constantly at war.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me on this forum, I appreciate the time you have spent helping our family.

 

[divona2000]

Good for you Dawn, and I hope it all goes this smoothly from now on!

 

[mistoffolees]

Congratulations. Looks like things are settling down.

Don't worry about his wife going haywire in court. It could actually work in your favor. At the very least, the judge will tell her to leave. (You could ask for her not to be there at all, but that might just be throwing fuel on the fire).


Note to lurkers: This is not an uncommon situation - things start out looking very bleak and antagonistic, but after the dust settles, it often becomes more amicable. So if you're just starting out and things look terrible, be patient and give it some time - and do your best not to escalate things.

 

[frylover]

Congratulations!

As a side note, I don't see how a man can not be embarrassed to say "But, can we keep doing the emall thing, cuz my wife doesn't want me to talk to Dawn"

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

When you get to court, have the wife considered a possible witness so that she has to sit in the hallways and cool her heels there. You don't have to call her; it's just a way to make sure she isn't there sticking her nose into anything.

 

[stealth2]

I don't understand how a poster who has been here for three years, with over a thousand posts, doesn't understand the concept of updating to an existing thread instead of constantly creating a new one.

 

[summerdawn]

I don't understand how a poster who has been here for three years, with over a thousand posts, doesn't understand the concept of updating to an existing thread instead of constantly creating a new one.

I'm sorry. The other thread got kind of...odd, so I started a new one.

Thanks, everyone! I do hope this is a whole new start for our family!

 

[summerdawn]

Congratulations!

As a side note, I don't see how a man can not be embarrassed to say "But, can we keep doing the emall thing, cuz my wife doesn't want me to talk to Dawn"

He actually didn't put it that way. The mediator kept asking "WHAT do you have against talking on the phone to the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN?" and he just looked indignant and said "I just don't want to." She finally got kind of irritated and said some stuff to him about needing to work things out whether he wanted to or not for the good of the children-I swear, what she said to him could have been read word for word from some of the posts I have read here lol.

 

[CourtClerk]

When you get to court, have the wife considered a possible witness so that she has to sit in the hallways and cool her heels there. You don't have to call her; it's just a way to make sure she isn't there sticking her nose into anything.

Unless it's a trial, that won't work.

I believe this is a hearing on a motion.

 

[mistoffolees]

He actually didn't put it that way. The mediator kept asking "WHAT do you have against talking on the phone to the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN?" and he just looked indignant and said "I just don't want to."

If that's all there was, it's not unreasonable.

For example, I used to try to get my ex to communicate by email because every time I got on the phone with her, she started screaming and yelling - and I'm pretty sure my daughter was in the same room with her at the time. I felt that we could communicate more effectively without all the tantrums if we did it by email.

Granted, the mediator apparently didn't think it was useful in your case, but it's not at all unreasonable to ask for communication to occur by email in at least some circumstances.

 

[summerdawn]

Unless it's a trial, that won't work.

I believe this is a hearing on a motion.

I'm not really worried about her making a scene at the courthouse, I just think she may start in on dad and pressure him to fight the mediation agreement. It seems that in the past her uncle (dad's lawyer) has kind of acted more on things that she has wanted than on things that dad has wanted.

BTW, to all of you Bonanza people, thank you for taking time out from your horses and pudding to pop into my thread.

 

[summerdawn]

If that's all there was, it's not unreasonable.

For example, I used to try to get my ex to communicate by email because every time I got on the phone with her, she started screaming and yelling - and I'm pretty sure my daughter was in the same room with her at the time. I felt that we could communicate more effectively without all the tantrums if we did it by email.

Granted, the mediator apparently didn't think it was useful in your case, but it's not at all unreasonable to ask for communication to occur by email in at least some circumstances.

I think if we were a new case she may have given it a chance, but since we have been trying to communicate via email for a good two years now she felt we should try a different way. We already tried a notebook so she didn't want to go that route.

ETA: It's funny, i've just gotten an email from stepmom, even though dad and I agreed in the mediator's office that she and I shall have no contact unless it is an emergency, and that is supposed to be written into the CO. I'm not going to answer it, because it is not really relevant to the children, but I am not quite sure how he and I should communicate until the court date on March 21st-the CO doesn't go into effect until then, I think, so I don't know if I am allowed to use the phone to contact him or not yet, if I needed to contact him. Should I just follow the current court order and email him until then if I end up needing to contact him?

 

[CourtClerk]

If that's all there was, it's not unreasonable.

For example, I used to try to get my ex to communicate by email because every time I got on the phone with her, she started screaming and yelling - and I'm pretty sure my daughter was in the same room with her at the time. I felt that we could communicate more effectively without all the tantrums if we did it by email.

Granted, the mediator apparently didn't think it was useful in your case, but it's not at all unreasonable to ask for communication to occur by email in at least some circumstances.

Agree
I'm saying...

there are people I don't want to talk to... just because I don't want to. I don't think ANYONE should be forced to speak to anyone, especially if there are other means of communication.

 

[Isis1]

If that's all there was, it's not unreasonable.

For example, I used to try to get my ex to communicate by email because every time I got on the phone with her, she started screaming and yelling - and I'm pretty sure my daughter was in the same room with her at the time. I felt that we could communicate more effectively without all the tantrums if we did it by email.

Granted, the mediator apparently didn't think it was useful in your case, but it's not at all unreasonable to ask for communication to occur by email in at least some circumstances.

in this case, i thought it was fair. he admitted to not knowing about e-mails and it was his wife doing the responding. it's not dad not wanting to talk to mom, it's dad not wanting his wife to get all bent out of shape over him speaking to dawn. nothing like admitting the wife is doing all the talking and communicating to push an order like that.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Just pick up the phone and call him. If he asks, let him know the wife is emailing you.