modification of paternity agreement due to unstable parent

[KC_Guy]

Honestly, I feel for this OP. I don't think he is overstepping, although the way he presented the questions could be misinterpreted as such.

From what I can gather, it seems that you are trying to find out if it would be better to sit back and wait, or to file for some sort of modification as a sort of a "preliminary strike." It's a tough call. It might be a good thing for your wife to have a sit-down with a local family law attorney and present all the facts. Then she can get an informed opinion...

Zigner,

Thanks for letting me have some dignity back. You are correct-ish in your assessment and yes she has already scheduled meetings with two attorneys later this week. Again, I just wanted to help with talking points for those discussions.

 

[KC_Guy]

I appreciate your attitude.

However, we will work only with the PARENTS. This is a legal board.

Further, stepparents tend to be even more biased than parents. It gets in the way of legal info delivery. And, when we deal with stepparents, they get the idea that they actually matter, legally, or that their opinions are of legal worth.

Silverplum,

Thanks for finally openning up to me. I get it... I've been told throughout the entire process about what my legal rights are in these matters as well as the unwelcomeness of my involvement in the actual legal discussions and decisions related to these matters. I thought this was more of a casual open forum where I could be involved by fostering discussion about a real-life situation. I understand from your above comments that this forum is a little more formal in that it's intended for attorney <-> client type conversations and not just open banter over current legal situations.

If I haven't come across as snarky yet (had to look up the definition).... Is there any more advice for me as a step-dad that you would be willing to impart?

 

[gam]

As everyone said this is a legal board. Ya seem like your lost here, so I am going to give you some non legal ideas.

Ya want to help your wife, do like others said, let her vent, rant and rave on you about her situation. When it gets to much for you, and your going to burst and start venting, ranting and raving with mom, stop yourself. Find a way to release it, hobbies worked great for me.

Read boards like this, you will see by reading these posts the mess a 3rd party can make very quickly. You will also learn a lot legally, you will learn what is mom's business and what is not her business concerning the other parent, their time and their parenting style. Read all the posts, today one post might have nothing to do with mom's situation, next week it might, so read them all. Have mom read the boards to.

Read books, co-parenting, stepparenting, blended families, when your done with them, give them to mom to read. Read your state laws concerning custody issues, look up your county see if they have anything. My state and each county in it all have handbooks, they give a run down of the court process, explain terms used, give a run down of what is expected of each parent, how to treat the other parent, what not to do, things like this. After your done reading them, have mom read them.

I even went down to the courthouse for a day, sat in different Judges courtrooms and listened to the cases. I then suggested to my daughter she do the same, you learn so much just sitting there. She did go, and she learned so much by sitting there just one day, listening to these cases.

If you truly do not want to make a mess here, and truly just want to support mom, after reading all this stuff, you will get it and know how to support mom, without overstepping.

I'm not a stepparent, but 7 years ago I became a 3rd party, I am grandma. My daughter and her grandchild lived in my home. I was the one she vented to, and there was much to vent. I was going nuts and wanted to explode and vent right on back to her and with her, but I didn't, I knew that was not going to help her.

So I came to boards like this and read, and kept reading, took me months to even post. I got some great advice when I did first post, from some who happen to be still posting on boards, including this board. They told me do these things I listed above, after you do these things if you truly are in this to not make a mess, truly in this to support your daughter and not overstep, you will get it. They were right, I got it, knew what to do, what my role was, how to support my daughter.

I'm not gonna lie, it's not easy to do these things. You need to find yourself some way to let it out to, be it a hobby or even a therapist. There were times that my daughter would want to vent to me, and I would have to tell her, not today, or find someone else this time. Sometimes you just can't take hearing one more thing, you love these people that are involved in this. So it is much better to be truthful with them, and say not today, or this time find someone else to vent to, I can't take it right now. If you can't take it at that moment, listening to it, can have you doing something, or saying something, you should not.

Best I can tell ya, not the greatest writer and I have a problem with keeping things short, but I hope this helps you as much as it did me.

 

[CJane]

Platte County?

Let sleeping dogs lie. Dad's not exercising visitation, Grandma is getting her time per the order and is apparently staying mostly out of your lives... why disrupt that?

And don't file contempt for anything other than an obviously malicious violation of the order.

 

[KC_Guy]

As everyone said this is a legal board. Ya seem like your lost here, so I am going to give you some non legal ideas.

Yes, exactly, I just googled for "modification of parenting plan" and this forum showed up. I read one post that provided some decent info and decided I'd love to hear what you all may suggest by typing out my wife's situation. I read the newbies thing and maybe I missed something, but I thought if I declared who I was and what my involvement was that I'd get some feedback. After the shellacking I took yesterday, I started reading more posts on here and decided that the real intent here is for attorney's to provide specific legal advice to the client with the legal issues and not a 3rd party.

Ya want to help your wife, do like others said, let her vent, rant and rave on you about her situation. When it gets to much for you, and your going to burst and start venting, ranting and raving with mom, stop yourself. Find a way to release it, hobbies worked great for me.

Read boards like this, you will see by reading these posts the mess a 3rd party can make very quickly. You will also learn a lot legally, you will learn what is mom's business and what is not her business concerning the other parent, their time and their parenting style. Read all the posts, today one post might have nothing to do with mom's situation, next week it might, so read them all. Have mom read the boards to.

I appreciate the information provided above, but to me some of that is common sense and are all things that I try to practice in our daily lives. I have a feeling that 3rd parties or stepparents get stereotyped as being ignorant of the legal process and of their true worth to the legal issues at hand and an assumption that the 3rd party is likely only complicating the matters. I can't blame you for that, you all are the ones here with experience and understanding of these matters as you probably see them everyday and I'm willing to bet you see far more negative impact by 3rd parties than positive. Again, I understand that completely. I do take issue with not being able to come out and say, Yes, I understand I have no "dog in this fight", yes I understand that any meddling I may do will likely have a negative impact, and yes I should be a good listener but not provide anything but support.

However, can you follow this logic? When it comes to finances, math, budgeting, and finding good literature, my wife has the strongest talents in this family. I don't touch the taxes, I don't manage the budget, etc.. because she has a knack for that sort of stuff that I do not possess. But, when it comes to articulating thoughts, public speaking, or even researching (like the best rated appliance or the good schools in the area); my wife and I would agree that I have a knack for that (I'm not saying I'm extraordinarily eloquent, just saying in this family I have more of a knack for it). So, I think I really messed up in how I presented this thread in the original posting, knowing what I know now, but I would say that I think I deserve to help my wife articulate the thoughts that are rolling around in her head. Otherwise, she'd of started posting the questions in the forum and called me 5 times with questions like "How would you word this?" and "Does this make sense?" and you probably would've also scolded her for lacing each sentence with obvious contemptuous emotion. Regardless of whether this was pertaining to typing a resume, hepling the 12 yr old with a book report, or simply figuring out how to address any random situation that comes up in life, my family would want me to help them think critically about the resume wording, the book report's theme, or how to tell mom and dad that we'd like help buying a house.

Last point: When my wife and I met with the first attorney that she hired to file the custody and paternity cases, the attorney provided some "real-life" advice that was beyond the realm of "legal strategy and methodology". Her advice was that biological parents typically do not like when their child calls a step parent mom or dad, so she suggested that we just pick a nickname for me that is something special to me and the children. Now, all of the kids (including my 14 month old boy) call me "ta-ta" which is an old Czechoslovakian term for father. My point is, I think sometimes you legal experts can draw on personal experience to also provide "real life" or "social" advice to a 3rd party (I'm betting your going to tell me YES, but this is the wrong forum for that). I think I shot myself in the foot by presenting my original post in the way that I did. Please excuse my lack of research and understanding prior to jumping on here.

While I see where you are coming from

Read books, co-parenting, stepparenting, blended families, when your done with them, give them to mom to read. Read your state laws concerning custody issues, look up your county see if they have anything. My state and each county in it all have handbooks, they give a run down of the court process, explain terms used, give a run down of what is expected of each parent, how to treat the other parent, what not to do, things like this. After your done reading them, have mom read them.

We've both read "Joint custody with a jerk", "Coparenting Survival Guide", and "Smart StepFamily". We've also taken voluntary blended family classes offered by local institutions.

I even went down to the courthouse for a day, sat in different Judges courtrooms and listened to the cases. I then suggested to my daughter she do the same, you learn so much just sitting there. She did go, and she learned so much by sitting there just one day, listening to these cases.

This is an amazing idea. Thank you for the input. I think this would be great for mom and me.

If you truly do not want to make a mess here, and truly just want to support mom, after reading all this stuff, you will get it and know how to support mom, without overstepping.

I'm not a stepparent, but 7 years ago I became a 3rd party, I am grandma. My daughter and her grandchild lived in my home. I was the one she vented to, and there was much to vent. I was going nuts and wanted to explode and vent right on back to her and with her, but I didn't, I knew that was not going to help her.

So I came to boards like this and read, and kept reading, took me months to even post. I got some great advice when I did first post, from some who happen to be still posting on boards, including this board. They told me do these things I listed above, after you do these things if you truly are in this to not make a mess, truly in this to support your daughter and not overstep, you will get it. They were right, I got it, knew what to do, what my role was, how to support my daughter.

I'm not gonna lie, it's not easy to do these things. You need to find yourself some way to let it out to, be it a hobby or even a therapist. There were times that my daughter would want to vent to me, and I would have to tell her, not today, or find someone else this time. Sometimes you just can't take hearing one more thing, you love these people that are involved in this. So it is much better to be truthful with them, and say not today, or this time find someone else to vent to, I can't take it right now. If you can't take it at that moment, listening to it, can have you doing something, or saying something, you should not.

Best I can tell ya, not the greatest writer and I have a problem with keeping things short, but I hope this helps you as much as it did me.

Thanks, yes this was quite helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to respond despite my evident lack of understanding. As with all things in life this is a work in progress and I think you've given me somethings to think about.

 

[KC_Guy]

Platte County?

Let sleeping dogs lie. Dad's not exercising visitation, Grandma is getting her time per the order and is apparently staying mostly out of your lives... why disrupt that?

And don't file contempt for anything other than an obviously malicious violation of the order.

Thanks, for looking past the fact that I'm a step parent and providing feedback on the original question. Honestly, the dad has ups and downs and everytime there's some major "down" period my wife starts thinking what to do about it. And every time she eventually decides its not worth it. I have a feeling that's the route she'll go. Looking back, I guess that's the whole point of the original post question: What is the defining line between acceptable problems to allow to work themselves out and unnacceptable problems to pursue court intervention?

 

[KC_Guy]

Thanks to all who responded, even you Silverplum. You've straightened me out on a few things and provided some obvious, but true feedback pertaining to the situation.



If I created a new thread called "step parents' do's and don'ts" would you all provide your opinions or is that more towards the "social mores and norms" of coparenting and less legal advice? If it's not something you want to see addressed here, any suggestions on where to go for a question like that? answer that and you'll be rid of me...

PS. I recommend you update your newbies post to say something like: If you are not listed as a party on the court papers then you most likely are not the person who should be asking advice in this forum.

that might have scared me away quicker.

 

[CSO286]

Thanks to all who responded, even you Silverplum. You've straightened me out on a few things and provided some obvious, but true feedback pertaining to the situation.



If I created a new thread called "step parents' do's and don'ts" would you all provide your opinions or is that more towards the "social mores and norms" of coparenting and less legal advice? If it's not something you want to see addressed here, any suggestions on where to go for a question like that? answer that and you'll be rid of me...

PS. I recommend you update your newbies post to say something like: If you are not listed as a party on the court papers then you most likely are not the person who should be asking advice in this forum.

that might have scared me away quicker.

We've tried saying that. What we hear is:

1. I'm paying the child support for him/her, so it IS my business.

2. But I'm married/about to be married/sleeping with him/her so it IS my business.

3. He/She wants me to do it, so it IS my business.

4. I handle all the money/legal matters for him/her, so it IS my business.

5. They are my kids, too (way wrong response!!!!), so it IS my business.

6.We're a happy family and wer share everything, so it IS my business.

7. You guys really don't get the situation and how it really really really IS my business.

8. I'm going go talk to a lawyer and he's going tell me all of you are wrong and it IS totally my business.

 

[Silverplum]

Thanks to all who responded, even you Silverplum.

How classic is that?

You've straightened me out on a few things and provided some obvious, but true feedback pertaining to the situation.

Part of the service here on FA.

If I created a new thread called "step parents' do's and don'ts" would you all provide your opinions or is that more towards the "social mores and norms" of coparenting and less legal advice?

It's social mores to me. And, IMHO, that thread should be written by experienced stepparents who have already successfully maneuvered the pitfalls.

Like me. But I'm not here for that junk, and I'm not a mod, so it's not my call.

If it's not something you want to see addressed here, any suggestions on where to go for a question like that? answer that and you'll be rid of me...

Google it, I guess. I don't bother with "the stepparent world," so to speak. I've never posted looking for help as a stepparent, nor have I ever read the stepparent-type boards out there.

PS. I recommend you update your newbies post to say something like: If you are not listed as a party on the court papers then you most likely are not the person who should be asking advice in this forum.

that might have scared me away quicker.

Perhaps OG will take your suggestion.

 

[Silverplum]

Nobody has ever been so very correct as you, CSO.

We've tried saying that. What we hear is:

1. I'm paying the child support for him/her, so it IS my business.

2. But I'm married/about to be married/sleeping with him/her so it IS my business.

3. He/She wants me to do it, so it IS my business.

4. I handle all the money/legal matters for him/her, so it IS my business.

5. They are my kids, too (way wrong response!!!!), so it IS my business.

6.We're a happy family and wer share everything, so it IS my business.

7. You guys really don't get the situation and how it really really really IS my business.

8. I'm going go talk to a lawyer and he's going tell me all of you are wrong and it IS totally my business.

Totally!

I do think you forgot one: I have the knack for research, the parent does not.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

The biggest problem is that the person NOT addressed in the court papers generally do NOT have all the information.

 

[KC_Guy]

We've tried saying that. What we hear is:

1. I'm paying the child support for him/her, so it IS my business.

2. But I'm married/about to be married/sleeping with him/her so it IS my business.

3. He/She wants me to do it, so it IS my business.

4. I handle all the money/legal matters for him/her, so it IS my business.

5. They are my kids, too (way wrong response!!!!), so it IS my business.

6.We're a happy family and wer share everything, so it IS my business.

7. You guys really don't get the situation and how it really really really IS my business.

8. I'm going go talk to a lawyer and he's going tell me all of you are wrong and it IS totally my business.

Yep, I believe you 100%.... I don't envy your position....

 

[CSO286]

Nobody has ever been so very correct as you, CSO.



Totally!

I do think you forgot one: I have the knack for research, the parent does not.

Aww, Siverplum....you made my day!!!

And:

He/she can't type, so it IS my business.

He/She can't read, so it IS my business.

He/she is in jail/rehab/hospital, so it IS my business.

 

[stealth2]

Nobody has ever been so very correct as you, CSO.



Totally!

I do think you forgot one: I have the knack for research, the parent does not.

A second one forgotten - Her ex (this is usually written by the new husband) scares her so it IS my business to protect her.

ETA - OP, you do seem to "get" it.

 

[Proserpina]

I actually prefer honesty:

I'm a nosy busybody who really can't STAND that my spouse has kids with their Ex and they STILL talk to each other and I can't control it and I'm really just flat out jealous that ALL of them were a family WAY before I came along and that really just ticks me AWF!


(OP - I SERIOUSLY do NOT think that you fit this one, btw!)