more issues

[mommyto 2]

LdiJ - The Christmas break is only addressed by the actual holiday time. This year I have them Christmas eve until 12:00 pm Christmas day. The school break is not addressed at all. So he is taking them the rest of the break by combining unused vacation time and his holiday time and his parenting time. There does not seem like there is a thing I can do about it.

 

[LdiJ]

LdiJ - The Christmas break is only addressed by the actual holiday time. This year I have them Christmas eve until 12:00 pm Christmas day. The school break is not addressed at all. So he is taking them the rest of the break by combining unused vacation time and his holiday time and his parenting time. There does not seem like there is a thing I can do about it.

I would strongly recommend that you take that back to court to get the school break divied in half.

 

[mommyto 2]

I agree but if I am the one to take him back to court I worry it would turn into an very ugly battle that would not be about getting these loose ends tied up, thus costing me thousands of dollars in legal fees. If he takes me back to court for contempt then I will address these issues. Next year I will plan accordingly to use some of my vacation time during winter break, I will be sure to put in for it first.

 

[mommyto 2]

Just an additional note. He is now refusing to pay his child support and after school care payment. I also got an email this morning stating that he does not need to give advance notice for vacation time since it is not in the court order. I know we can't read Judge's minds but if this went to court wouldn't it be fair to say that most Judges would think 48 hour notice is not enough time?

 

[LdiJ]

Just an additional note. He is now refusing to pay his child support and after school care payment. I also got an email this morning stating that he does not need to give advance notice for vacation time since it is not in the court order. I know we can't read Judge's minds but if this went to court wouldn't it be fair to say that most Judges would think 48 hour notice is not enough time?

It honestly depends on what your orders say, exactly. However, I am pretty sure a judge is not going to ding you for saying no, when you already have other plans and he only gave you 48 hours notice.

If he refuses to pay his child support, then you need to take him back to court for contempt.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

OP - since your X sounds just like mine, there will be NO reasoning with him, no matter how nicely you put it. His behaviour (like my X's) is part of why I put 1400 miles between us. He doesn't understand what my driving factor was.

Since the amount of time is NOT specified in your court order, is there a default amount specified by NJ? In my state, it says that we must have summer vacation spelled out by April 1. They want 60 days notice on other vacations. Anything like that in NJ that you can refer to?

You cannot be in contempt for the 48 hour notice; it's not "reasonable" for you to always have to change your plans. That's the part of "joint custdy" - you have to play nicely and communicate.

 

[mommyto 2]

Thanks for the input. Yes Ginny, no matter what I say or do he will find fault. This morning he wrote to the children's school a nasty email about me. This is what happens, he does not get his way and then he does all of this other stuff. It makes me crazy. There is no way to stop him when he is on a roll. I think if he takes me back to court I am going to go great guns and try to get sole custody. Joint custody only works if both parties play nice. I am tired of playing nice only to get kicked on the playground.

 

[mommyto 2]

Hi again, quick update and a request for some input. Got a four page single spaced email from ex today. In it he states he is taking me backed to court of contempt because I did not handover the nurses note immediately when he requested it. I would like to mention again that he was screaming for it on my front lawn and to tell you the truth I was not sure what I had done with it. I did find it later, made a copy and sent it over on Monday, this happened on Saturday. Also he states that I violated his requested for vacation days, although I did tell him that he could take his remaining two days at some other time (thanks Zephyr). He then goes on at great length how I have always taken vacation time so that I interfere with family events. Mind you I have always given him two months notice of all vacation time I have used and I do not get advanced notice of his family's activities. Two questions:
1. Should I respond to this email and try to put on paper the reality of the situation or ignore it and let my attorney handle it when she is back on Monday (because I love spending more money on attorneys)?
2. Since this has become a yearly to yearly and a half issue of him taking me to court, and the last time the judge even stated it was harassment and that he has serious issues, would this be a good time to request sole custody with him maintaining visitation time as previously ordered? I wondering if thee is enough history at this point to address the fact that it is impossible to co-parent with this person.

Thanks in advance for all of the help!

 

[CJane]

1. Should I respond to this email and try to put on paper the reality of the situation or ignore it and let my attorney handle it when she is back on Monday (because I love spending more money on attorneys)?

I vote for ignore it comepletely. Don't let your attorney handle it, don't 'handle' it at all. Just ignore it. I ignore my ex's craziness all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. Don't give him more energy than he deserves.

2. Since this has become a yearly to yearly and a half issue of him taking me to court, and the last time the judge even stated it was harassment and that he has serious issues, would this be a good time to request sole custody with him maintaining visitation time as previously ordered? I wondering if thee is enough history at this point to address the fact that it is impossible to co-parent with this person.

If he files a contempt motion, THEN file a modification.

 

[mommyto 2]

Thanks CJane. That is kind of how I feel but at the same time as I read it I have such a desire to correct all of the lies.

On a personal note, how do you emotionally handle it. I read all of the stuff you go through and I am just wondering?

 

[CJane]

Thanks CJane. That is kind of how I feel but at the same time as I read it I have such a desire to correct all of the lies.

Don't bother. To him, they're not lies... and you'll never convince him he's crazy. Ever. So you have to learn to shake your head, take a deep breath and move on.

On a personal note, how do you emotionally handle it. I read all of the stuff you go through and I am just wondering?

It's taken years, but I've learned how to compartmentalize. It helped a heaping spoonful when I won in court and again in the appeals court, because other people are agreeing with me that I'm not unfit and he's crazy. But mostly, I got to a point where I had a choice - allow him to make me angry/crazy/bitter or figure out how to put it away and deal with it on an as needed basis. It's amazing how very few things I feel 'need' to be addressed anymore.

 

[mommyto 2]

Thanks Cjane! I do wonder though if he takes me back court would it be better to have an email stating my responses? But then I think why, because that only opens the flood gates for more of his nonsense. I am just thinking out loud.
I do feel I am dealing better then before, whe i would just cry. I agree it did help that the last time he took me back to court I even got some of my legal fees do to what the Judge called an application made in bad faith

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

OP - I'm one who also gets the 4 page dissertations when I send a 4 sentence memo. I asked the great people here to craft my email back to daddy dearest on daddy's lastest request.

I almost lean towards a short reply back to the nonsense that is then given to the judge so they see how skewed things are. His emails are my ammo at the moment.

 

[mommyto 2]

One part of me does want to write back because of my need to correct the lies. But also the emails were my evidence last time we went to court. Then the best of this is he writes that it is my fault he has to keep spending money on lawyers and that he is going to ask for attorney fees because I am in contempt. He seems to feel that he can combine vacation time with is regular parenting time but I can't. He is the one who began this trend. He also went on to write that if I have plans for New Year's that don't include the children he would be glad to have them, because he knows my private life is more important than my kids. First I don't have a private life, second it is his year to have the kids for New Years. Sorry I am rambling, but I can't believe this is happening again.

 

[CJane]

One part of me does want to write back because of my need to correct the lies. But also the emails were my evidence last time we went to court. Then the best of this is he writes that it is my fault he has to keep spending money on lawyers and that he is going to ask for attorney fees because I am in contempt. He seems to feel that he can combine vacation time with is regular parenting time but I can't. He is the one who began this trend. He also went on to write that if I have plans for New Year's that don't include the children he would be glad to have them, because he knows my private life is more important than my kids. First I don't have a private life, second it is his year to have the kids for New Years. Sorry I am rambling, but I can't believe this is happening again.

This is the kind of stuff SH pulls... for instance "If you think you can behave rationally, then I will gladly meet you at X"

Well, if I refuse to meet him, it MUST be because I cannot behave rationally. But if I DO meet him, it's because he bullied me into it. Can't win. And he knows that.

So I ignore him.

You writing back and saying "It's YOUR weekend! And I don't even HAVE a life. All I ever DO is be a mom" well.. you're complaining about having the kids and he might as well have custody. Right?

Can't win.

Don't try.