Need help

[workinggal]

" Thanks all for responding, I see what everyone is saying. I do believe God is working on him, us.... "

That's all well and good but does he have a Therapist working on him? A person CAN change but, only if they want to and are willing to put a lot of WORK and effort into changing. It doesn't sound like your husband is interested in changing. In fact, it seems like he is getting worse. He is spending LESS time with his child and wanting to lower C/S since your pregnancy. He is not acting like a Father or even a MAN. He is behaving like a 4 year old who got a new puppy and neglects the older dog for the new and exciting. If he can't manage to be a good parent to one, he isn't good parent material. PERIOD. You may think the marriage makes a difference but it really doesn't. A man-child who can't commit to raising HIS child, does not have the capacity to TRULY commit to a marrige. Deep down, he doesn't take either too seriously. When he finds something new and shiny to distract him, you and your child will be in his Ex's shoes. ( Except, since he is already paying support on #1, you will be getting pennies on the dollar of what he is currently paying because you chose to have offspring #2 with this man. )

God is wonderful but a marriage takes TRUE commitment and hard work on the part of BOTH partners. You can believe and want all you want, but with out work and commitment a marriage can't work. Your husband is not wired to commit and without a whole lot of help and work he will never be.

Well I will not sit here and say he doesn't love his daughter...if he didnt, he would not have taken mom to court for visitation/child support in the first place. The reason we took her to court is because we both wanted to make sure it was in the courts for protection and order of things. It's just as of lately since I got pregnant, we've been having some problems. Pluse we just brought a house and had to deal with that move also. I know what he did to his ex regarding pick up/drop offs were plan ole stupid. The cancellation weren't wise either, but what can I do , ohysically pick him up and taken him to the ex house to get his daughter? I can't make him do anything if he don't want to. Like I said, we will treat and raise both children right.

 

[Just Blue]

He doesn't treat his child right...He is a selfish, immature, controlling idiot. And if you think YOU or YOUR CHILD will change him you are an idiot as well...

 

[workinggal]

I agree with the other posters, your husband is not going to change and suddenly become father of the year with your child together. You could ask my ex. He's on his 4th child with 4 differnt women, my daughter being the oldest. The women frankly get more and more stupid as the you go down the list. He has nothing to do with my Daughter, moved out of the state even. Then he had a second child, who he has nothing to do with, and moved out of that state two... while he was with his second daughters mother he cheated on her and had another child. That mother refuses to name him as the father (at least she learned some sort of a lesson along the way) but the kid is for sure his. And now he has another 4th child.... none of which he takes care of. The judge even told him "maybe you should stop having children that you don't want to support of be part of their lives and get a vasectomy" I couldn't help but laughing. But what's just as sad as all these children he creates and leaves behind is all the stupid women who seem to think that they have some magic over him and suddenly he's going to be the best father ever to their child. Your ex is a jerk, and sadly you're blind to it. Your marriage will likely not make him any better of a father to his second child than he is to his first child and your hope will not get you anywhere. sorry. My personal opinion is I would never date or marry a man who doesn't put his children first. I have never understood why women do that either. Must be some good sex!

The bible says a wife comes before any child that is made. Marriage is a union..now I'm not saying that's what my husband is doing but biblically , a wife come first......Anyway, I know my husband would not neglect his children altogether. All I can do is talk to him and pray about it..that's all I can do

 

[Just Blue]

The bible says a wife comes before any child that is made. Marriage is a union..now I'm not saying that's what my husband is doing but biblically , a wife come first......Anyway, I know my husband would not neglect his children altogether. All I can do is talk to him and pray about it..that's all I can do

You are officially dumber than dirt. I'm done.

 

[workinggal]

all I can do is talk, talk, talk to him about it.

 

[LdiJ]

Well I will not sit here and say he doesn't love his daughter...if he didnt, he would not have taken mom to court for visitation/child support in the first place. The reason we took her to court is because we both wanted to make sure it was in the courts for protection and order of things. It's just as of lately since I got pregnant, we've been having some problems. Pluse we just brought a house and had to deal with that move also. I know what he did to his ex regarding pick up/drop offs were plan ole stupid. The cancellation weren't wise either, but what can I do , ohysically pick him up and taken him to the ex house to get his daughter? I can't make him do anything if he don't want to. Like I said, we will treat and raise both children right.

This post is a perfect example of why I am disapointed in you.

You are a grown woman. You are perfectly capable of telling your husband that he is behaving like a horse's ass.

You also can't state that the two of you will treat and raise both children right, because you are allowing your husband to be a horse's ass, which means that there is virtually no hope in heck that they two of you will raise HIS daughter right.

If you can't influence your husband to be a rational human being regarding his daughter with his ex...if you can't put your foot down and tell him that he is being an ass...then YOUR marriage also has no hope.

You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution, or step back and not be part of anything at all.

However, please understand that if you step back and not be part of anything at all, not even telling your husband when he is being a horse's ass....then you need to be prepared to be in exactly the same position yourself some day.

 

[stealth2]

Well I will not sit here and say he doesn't love his daughter...if he didnt, he would not have taken mom to court for visitation/child support in the first place. The reason we took her to court is because we both wanted to make sure it was in the courts for protection and order of things. It's just as of lately since I got pregnant, we've been having some problems. Pluse we just brought a house and had to deal with that move also. I know what he did to his ex regarding pick up/drop offs were plan ole stupid. The cancellation weren't wise either, but what can I do , ohysically pick him up and taken him to the ex house to get his daughter? I can't make him do anything if he don't want to. Like I said, we will treat and raise both children right.

A control freak absolutely WILL take it to court for reasons other than loving the child. But hey - enjoy the bed you're making.

 

[SMinNJ]

I'm not engaging in the debate regarding whether this guy is being a good father - I'm just going to answer the legal questions.

New Jersey child support does allow for an "other dependent deduction", so once your child is born, he will be able to request a modification for your child. However, NJ's guidelines also include allowances for time with the NCP - support is calculated both by shared income percentage but shared time percentage - so if she is successful in formally getting his parenting time reduced, he will be responsible for paying a larger share of the child's support - it makes sense because he is no longer paying for things while the child is with him...

New Jersey's child support calculator used to be available online for free, but I can't find it anymore - the link where it used to be is dead now.

Best wishes for your pregnancy.

 

[CJane]

I would just like to point out that just because your husband will live in the same house with NEWCHILD, does not mean he'll be a good parent. Doesn't mean he'll spend lots of time w/the kid. Doesn't mean he'll EVER change a diaper or do a 2 am feeding, or anything else.

And the control he attempts to exert over his ex? W/his whole insisting SHE come to the door and have contact with him? You think that level of control isn't going to extend to you. I guarantee that you will NOT do ANYTHING right, and he will be 1) the first to tell you that you're screwing up and 2) the last to help you.