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not neglect, but minimal care

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Jen2651

Junior Member
I apologize for everyone being frustrated. There is more to the situation that i haven't shared which led to me looking like an idiot.

I am posting here as the father is at work and uable to use the internet. Internet is not a priority for us in our home so i am posting after work.

The mother had lived with a boyfriend prior and had been investigated on instances of child neglect and abuse (mostly the boyfriend). She then moved out (the only reason she still has the children according to child services). She was mandated to have no contact with him (she does on the weekends - but no kids then).

She is now with someone else, living with him. Her current address according to the child services office is with her mother. She is keeping it there so the court won't know she is living with another man. He has no problem with her living with someone else (Dad is doing it) but this man is not good. He has had drug possession charges against him.

He believes she wants to do well, but just isn't surrounded by the right people. Dad's thought was if the kids went to school halfway between him and her, she would spend more time with semi-upstanding people. He knows he can't choose her friends.

He is worried about her wellbeing as well as the kids. She house-hops with the children 'when things arenn't going her way'. She calls us at midnight to come and pick them up because she is leaving.

But according to the law, none of this is neglect. And unfortunately there is no wrong in consistently making poor choices.

She has been pulled over by police for kids not buckled up, she has forgotten oldest one at school - he walked home and was locked out - for 4 hours.

I was just email for him to find out when the appropriate time would be for HIM for file a COC.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
I apologize for everyone being frustrated. There is more to the situation that i haven't shared which led to me looking like an idiot.

I am posting here as the father is at work and uable to use the internet. Internet is not a priority for us in our home so i am posting after work.

The mother had lived with a boyfriend prior and had been investigated on instances of child neglect and abuse (mostly the boyfriend). She then moved out (the only reason she still has the children according to child services). She was mandated to have no contact with him (she does on the weekends - but no kids then).
Ok, mom handled that properly.

She is now with someone else, living with him. Her current address according to the child services office is with her mother. She is keeping it there so the court won't know she is living with another man. He has no problem with her living with someone else (Dad is doing it) but this man is not good. He has had drug possession charges against him.
Can dad prove that this man is still involved with drugs? With hard evidence? Can dad prove that it impacts the children?

He believes she wants to do well, but just isn't surrounded by the right people. Dad's thought was if the kids went to school halfway between him and her, she would spend more time with semi-upstanding people. He knows he can't choose her friends.
Again, the idea fails because the children cannot be enrolled in a school district half way between the two of them.

He is worried about her wellbeing as well as the kids. She house-hops with the children 'when things arenn't going her way'. She calls us at midnight to come and pick them up because she is leaving.

But according to the law, none of this is neglect. And unfortunately there is no wrong in consistently making poor choices.
How often has she changed residences in the last two years?..and what proof does dad have of this?

She has been pulled over by police for kids not buckled up, she has forgotten oldest one at school - he walked home and was locked out - for 4 hours.

I was just email for him to find out when the appropriate time would be for HIM for file a COC.
Ok, mom clearly isn't mother of the year, but I still don't see a clear change of circumstance....and again, your marriage would NOT be a change of circumstance.
 

Jen2651

Junior Member
She has 'lived' in three places in the past two years.

She has stayed many more than that.

Dad has kept texts of all the address as to where he was supposed to pick up the children. Guessing that isn't hard proof that she was staying there... According to child services she has only lived in two places - with bad guy and with mother. All her stuff is in new boyfriends house...

Kid's school bus routes have been changed, perhaps the school would have a record of that.

Technically, the children could be enrolled anywhere as there is open enrollment. But obviously she has the choice as to where they go.


Evidence of drug use - hard evidence like recent police statements? Nothing in the past 1.5 years. But have seen him use while picking up kids (smoking pot in garage)
 

haiku

Senior Member
you got nothing.

Deal with your reality.

Your husband to be, chose a real winner to have babies with, now if you marry him you get to deal with that.

As stepmom myself, I canot stress to you enough-let it all go....your stepchildren will never be raised the way you want. its just the way its going to be.

You will be a much happier person when you realize this, and if you cannot, you might want to rethink marriage, because it will be a long miserable time before those kids come of age.
 

Zephyr

Senior Member
why can't dad move to the town where the kids live...then school isn't an issue and mom may be inclined to agree to 50/50


the bus route thing won't help....my dd catches the bus in the mornings at my house and gets off at day care....some of the kids catch the bus to school from day care and then ride to granny's....

bus route is not indicative of residence
 

CJane

Senior Member
why can't dad move to the town where the kids live...then school isn't an issue and mom may be inclined to agree to 50/50


the bus route thing won't help....my dd catches the bus in the mornings at my house and gets off at day care....some of the kids catch the bus to school from day care and then ride to granny's....

bus route is not indicative of residence

No kidding! If residence was determined by bus route, mine would change about every other week.

I would also like to say that I know for a fact (from personal experience) that if Dad was determined to make 50/50 work, the 45 minute drive to the kids' school wouldn't stop him.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
No kidding! If residence was determined by bus route, mine would change about every other week.

I would also like to say that I know for a fact (from personal experience) that if Dad was determined to make 50/50 work, the 45 minute drive to the kids' school wouldn't stop him.
Well...I can think of scenarios where it might not work, no matter how determined a parent was. It depends on when school starts, and when the parent has to be at work as well.

In your case your work was in the same general direction as the children's school.
 

CJane

Senior Member
Well...I can think of scenarios where it might not work, no matter how determined a parent was. It depends on when school starts, and when the parent has to be at work as well.

In your case your work was in the same general direction as the children's school.
Nope, it wasn't. My work was 25 miles straight south of where I lived. The kids' school was 35 miles straight WEST. For TWO YEARS, I drove them 45 minutes or so to school and then another 45 minutes or so (if there was no traffic) to work.

When I moved back to the area, I drove them 15 miles NORTH to school so I could turn around and drive back PAST my house and another 20 miles to work. Until I moved HERE in May, getting the kids to school has always been an exercise in juggling and commuting like crazy.

But yes, I recognize that for some people that's more than they're able or willing to do.
 

Isis1

Senior Member
Nope, it wasn't. My work was 25 miles straight south of where I lived. The kids' school was 35 miles straight WEST. For TWO YEARS, I drove them 45 minutes or so to school and then another 45 minutes or so (if there was no traffic) to work.

When I moved back to the area, I drove them 15 miles NORTH to school so I could turn around and drive back PAST my house and another 20 miles to work. Until I moved HERE in May, getting the kids to school has always been an exercise in juggling and commuting like crazy.

But yes, I recognize that for some people that's more than they're able or willing to do.
able is one story....willing should never be question. i drove the same horrible commute as you did. i'm a very lazy person. i procrastinate. self admitted. for my kids.....i'd walk those miles if that was my last option.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Nope, it wasn't. My work was 25 miles straight south of where I lived. The kids' school was 35 miles straight WEST. For TWO YEARS, I drove them 45 minutes or so to school and then another 45 minutes or so (if there was no traffic) to work.

When I moved back to the area, I drove them 15 miles NORTH to school so I could turn around and drive back PAST my house and another 20 miles to work. Until I moved HERE in May, getting the kids to school has always been an exercise in juggling and commuting like crazy.

But yes, I recognize that for some people that's more than they're able or willing to do.
I was actually thinking about timing rather than willingness...I could see situations where the children would have to be dropped off to before school care so early that it might not be possible to find someone willing to take them that early, and the kids would have to be getting up at 4AM.

If dad had to be at work at 7AM for example...and its 45 minutes to school, and work was 30 minutes in the opposite direction, dad would have to have the kids at before school care by about 5:30 - 5:45, and therefore the kids would have to be up at about 4AM to get ready for school.

In my area, there would be no one that would be willing to take them that early...and getting up a 4AM, for the kids, would be a major difference in their sleep schedule than when with mom.

There could also be similar problems on the pickup end as well.

Anyway, the only point I was making is that I can see some cases where it simply would not be possible....no matter how much "willingness" someone had.
 

CJane

Senior Member
able is one story....willing should never be question. i drove the same horrible commute as you did. i'm a very lazy person. i procrastinate. self admitted. for my kids.....i'd walk those miles if that was my last option.
Well, I DID have a flexible schedule that allowed me to come in early on the days I DIDN'T have the girls in exchange for coming in late on the days I DID. And gas prices really started to kick my azz.

I'm saving a ton of money living in the district again so my only commute is to work (and gas prices are around $1.40/gal again).
 

CJane

Senior Member
Anyway, the only point I was making is that I can see some cases where it simply would not be possible....no matter how much "willingness" someone had.
I get what you're saying.

However, saying "we want custody because Dad doesn't want to drive the kids 45 minutes to school" is absurd. You KNOW a judge is gonna want a DARN good reason to change schools and 'the drive is too long' isn't gonna be that.

My feeling in THIS case? Dad/Smom want custody and they're currently grasping at every straw imaginable to make that work. They MIGHT get one that does... who knows?

But the school argument isn't going to fly - and if Dad REALLY wanted 50/50 (instead of a custody swap now that he's got his 'family' all set up) he'd figure something out that didn't require total upheaval of the children.
 
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