OK, I super appreciate every response here, and has been very supportive as this has become a painful time for me as a mother (which I am dealing with) to look at the points of view. I see a lot of open mindedness about different parent/child relationships, a lot of respect around recognizing kids are different and may vary in what interaction they want from their parents at practices, including several admissions that if their child did not want them to come to practices anymore, they wouldn't.
This is what is happening here. Daughter has a VERY strained (at best) relationship with her dad. Has been for years. She flat out does not want to spend more time with him. To her, his insistance on coming to every practice when she is with me is wrong, she hates it, and now is threatening to quit basketball.
I thought on all this a lot after posting. I had written dad saying my viewpoint only, that I thought this was a extra stress on her, and I hoped he would consider that perhaps its best for her right now to not make a point to come to each and every practice on her time with me. I wrote him cautiously...its tricky for me...I feel I "should" in the name of communicating with him, yet knowing anything I say will probably make him dig his heels in about his position even farther. I also recognized that he probably had every legal right to come anytime, and also wish to recognize its great that he is interested enough to take the time, etc. BUT I honestly feel its almost neglectful towards daughter to NOT communicate with him. So thats what I did, for better or worse...letting it go. I did let it go. I am OK sitting there with him there, I have gotten used to it with school functions.
MY DAUGHTER on the other hand, I matter of factly informed her this morning...as she is trecking off for two days at dads...that her dad will be at her basketball practices. I included that I am fine with that, it should be just fine...and she went absolutely ballistic. Not rude ballistic...she truly lost it.
So now we are in the parenting realm...its so hard...I HATE that she hates her dad...I hate it. She is so angry and sad inside of herself on a regular basis. (I am looking on a therapist for her, her last one was a bad experience for her to top things off). Thats where I appreciated at least the feedback of some parents open-ness that if the child does not want a parent to come, they wouldn't push it.
That is what is going on here. Daughter has some intense feelings towards her dad - she does see him about half time - and part of that problem is he doesn't listen to her feelings and respect them (within reason of course).
I pretty much left things with letting her have her meltdown, and supporting her and getting it together again to get her to school. She screamed over and over she is quitting. I kept staying calm and when she could hear me a little bit just said don't ditch it today...get through today, and asked her to talk to her dad. I feel like at this point I need to let it go, even if it means she really won't want to play anymore, and that its between them. He can either choose to respect her feelings or not. And a part of me can see where he comes from...he thinks all of her negativity comes from me...and why would he want to bow out because she doesn't want him there? Its his "right" to be there after all, plus he make think in the end she will look back and appreciate it. Sad fact that I know, is she won't. She kept screaming "he does not CARE about me!" over and over.
So thank you for all your imput. Overall, I also agree its good for parents to go to practices, unless they just can't. I also agree its best for the parents to go to practices IF THAT IS SUPPORTING THE CHILD. I agree its totally cool for both parents to be at practices BUT only if the child is relatively comfortable with both parents being there...I also believe in this case of a "highly litigious custody battle" (my ex kept up for eight SOLID years) that it is complete BS for the dad to pretend this is in daughters best interests. But so be it, frankly, I don't care...about him being there too much, I want her to grow, expand, etc. and this was the first time in four years she has shown some interest in choosing/doing her own thing. She bubbles at basketball, she just loves it, and I believe it is so important for her to get some fun into her life, she is generally very serious, quiet and has changed schools too so doesn't have buddies right now. I believe she NEEDS this, but I have learned I cannot control what happens with her and her dad, or her feelings about life and her dad, so I just have to keep letting it go.
On a personal level, I super appreciate your knowledge Killerzoey in a few things you said; one was that "...and if the Narc is good at veiling everything in selfless motives, well, its just plain crazymaking..." That, amongst other things you said, struck a chord, as I got to watch my daughter go crazy again. But only I know underneath whats going on, I see how it affects our daughter, but no one can explain it cause if you haven't been there, you just don't know.
But thats all the underlying...I got the legal answer, and some great parenting perspectives on practice, kids and ex's.
Now, again, I feel in the name of showing up, that I should write dad and just let him know her feelings...as isn't it wrong to let her face all this with no imput at least? But the other side of me says no, I'm not. He already knows, he's already made his decision, she can explode with him and tell him her feelings and they will both just have to deal with that, and we will all have to deal with the consequences of his choosing to either respect her feelings or not.
Thanks for listening!!!