other parent attending all sports practices?

[stealth2]

Very well said..and good for you Stealth to take your daugther to a Father-Daugther dance!

The only "man" in our family who volunteered was her brother/my son. She said it would be too weird. So there was no other option. And I got a fair bit of ribbing from the men there that I knew. But I guess it wasn't as odd as if I were a Dad with custody and my son had a Mother-Son Dance.

I was just talking to my son, and he said (more or less) to me... "Mom... You've always been there for us, no matter what it was. What I remember most is when I was in Scouts and we had a Klondike. It was *freezing* out (it was!! ~0 degrees). All the Dads wussed out. But you were there with us, all day. You got Grandma to bring us cocoa and soup and mac & cheese and hand warmers. You pushed us through every challenge. And we won. Then we came home, and I called Dad to tell him. All he wanted to talk about was what he was doing."

Yeah - I was at every Scout meeting, too. Weird, I know.

 

[stealth2]

I agree while my kids want me at those practices and games when my husband is able to go (work schedule is crazy gotta love working for the government!) it is something extra special to them. My oldest son loves it when dad can go. He might enjoy mom being there but he bursts with happiness when dad is.

I know my daughter would love her Dad to be there. Especially when so many other girls on the team have that. But things as they are... she gets me.

At the end of the day, there is no reason why either parent can not attend practices (absent a court order to that effect). OP - focus your energy otherwise.

 

[CJane]

I agree while my kids want me at those practices and games when my husband is able to go (work schedule is crazy gotta love working for the government!) it is something extra special to them. My oldest son loves it when dad can go. He might enjoy mom being there but he bursts with happiness when dad is.

I figure that when my kids don't want me there anymore, they'll tell me. As it is, one of them is almost 13 and I'm still waiting for her to hate me/think I'm stupid/not want me around. But no, she still tells her friends how cool I am, loves hanging out with me, and is forever hugging me and holding my hand IN PUBLIC and not at all embarrassed/bothered when I show up for marching band with hot chocolate for everyone and help the kiddos get their junk together.

 

[wileybunch]

So MichaCA, you have your legal answer. Totally fine.
As far as how your DD feels, that's what matters, not that she can call the shots, but if she has feelings on this herself and she'd prefer he not be there ALL the time {for whatever reason that she's responsible for owning}, that's where you have to stay out of it. You could choose to tell Dad you think DD feels awkward about it, but like it or not, children in these cases have to own their relationship directly with the other parent more when it doesn't work well for someone else to be their relationship proxy (in this case you) because the two parents don't dig being told what to do by the other (or any hint of that). The personality of my youngest stepDD (14), I can guarantee if EITHER parent was there at every practice and sat through the entire thing, she would not appreciate it. She's played soccer for many years and all the parents just do not stay for every practice and whatever parent does would stick out like a sore thumb and she's not the type to let that roll off her back. She's more introverted and doesn't like attention drawn to her so a parent being there every.single.practice would constitute more attention on her and she'd not be happy because of that. That's just her.

 

[MichaCA]

OK, I super appreciate every response here, and has been very supportive as this has become a painful time for me as a mother (which I am dealing with) to look at the points of view. I see a lot of open mindedness about different parent/child relationships, a lot of respect around recognizing kids are different and may vary in what interaction they want from their parents at practices, including several admissions that if their child did not want them to come to practices anymore, they wouldn't.

This is what is happening here. Daughter has a VERY strained (at best) relationship with her dad. Has been for years. She flat out does not want to spend more time with him. To her, his insistance on coming to every practice when she is with me is wrong, she hates it, and now is threatening to quit basketball.

I thought on all this a lot after posting. I had written dad saying my viewpoint only, that I thought this was a extra stress on her, and I hoped he would consider that perhaps its best for her right now to not make a point to come to each and every practice on her time with me. I wrote him cautiously...its tricky for me...I feel I "should" in the name of communicating with him, yet knowing anything I say will probably make him dig his heels in about his position even farther. I also recognized that he probably had every legal right to come anytime, and also wish to recognize its great that he is interested enough to take the time, etc. BUT I honestly feel its almost neglectful towards daughter to NOT communicate with him. So thats what I did, for better or worse...letting it go. I did let it go. I am OK sitting there with him there, I have gotten used to it with school functions.

MY DAUGHTER on the other hand, I matter of factly informed her this morning...as she is trecking off for two days at dads...that her dad will be at her basketball practices. I included that I am fine with that, it should be just fine...and she went absolutely ballistic. Not rude ballistic...she truly lost it.

So now we are in the parenting realm...its so hard...I HATE that she hates her dad...I hate it. She is so angry and sad inside of herself on a regular basis. (I am looking on a therapist for her, her last one was a bad experience for her to top things off). Thats where I appreciated at least the feedback of some parents open-ness that if the child does not want a parent to come, they wouldn't push it.
That is what is going on here. Daughter has some intense feelings towards her dad - she does see him about half time - and part of that problem is he doesn't listen to her feelings and respect them (within reason of course).

I pretty much left things with letting her have her meltdown, and supporting her and getting it together again to get her to school. She screamed over and over she is quitting. I kept staying calm and when she could hear me a little bit just said don't ditch it today...get through today, and asked her to talk to her dad. I feel like at this point I need to let it go, even if it means she really won't want to play anymore, and that its between them. He can either choose to respect her feelings or not. And a part of me can see where he comes from...he thinks all of her negativity comes from me...and why would he want to bow out because she doesn't want him there? Its his "right" to be there after all, plus he make think in the end she will look back and appreciate it. Sad fact that I know, is she won't. She kept screaming "he does not CARE about me!" over and over.

So thank you for all your imput. Overall, I also agree its good for parents to go to practices, unless they just can't. I also agree its best for the parents to go to practices IF THAT IS SUPPORTING THE CHILD. I agree its totally cool for both parents to be at practices BUT only if the child is relatively comfortable with both parents being there...I also believe in this case of a "highly litigious custody battle" (my ex kept up for eight SOLID years) that it is complete BS for the dad to pretend this is in daughters best interests. But so be it, frankly, I don't care...about him being there too much, I want her to grow, expand, etc. and this was the first time in four years she has shown some interest in choosing/doing her own thing. She bubbles at basketball, she just loves it, and I believe it is so important for her to get some fun into her life, she is generally very serious, quiet and has changed schools too so doesn't have buddies right now. I believe she NEEDS this, but I have learned I cannot control what happens with her and her dad, or her feelings about life and her dad, so I just have to keep letting it go.

On a personal level, I super appreciate your knowledge Killerzoey in a few things you said; one was that "...and if the Narc is good at veiling everything in selfless motives, well, its just plain crazymaking..." That, amongst other things you said, struck a chord, as I got to watch my daughter go crazy again. But only I know underneath whats going on, I see how it affects our daughter, but no one can explain it cause if you haven't been there, you just don't know.

But thats all the underlying...I got the legal answer, and some great parenting perspectives on practice, kids and ex's.

Now, again, I feel in the name of showing up, that I should write dad and just let him know her feelings...as isn't it wrong to let her face all this with no imput at least? But the other side of me says no, I'm not. He already knows, he's already made his decision, she can explode with him and tell him her feelings and they will both just have to deal with that, and we will all have to deal with the consequences of his choosing to either respect her feelings or not.

Thanks for listening!!!

 

[stealth2]

I may well be in the minority here, but... I would NOT allow her to quit. Not in the middle of the season. If she chooses not to do it again, fine. But to quit now? Lets down her team. She made a commitment when she joined, and she should be expected to honor it, IMO. Regardless what's going on with her Dad.

 

[wileybunch]

I may well be in the minority here, but... I would NOT allow her to quit. Not in the middle of the season. If she chooses not to do it again, fine. But to quit now? Lets down her team. She made a commitment when she joined, and she should be expected to honor it, IMO. Regardless what's going on with her Dad.

ITA with this.
And, while I can't even take my own advice on this, feelings are just feelings. They don't HAVE to control our lives. We DO have control over our feelings. When we want to blame our actions on something "outside our control", we tend to blame it on our "feelings" when in reality we are also responsible for our own "feelings".

And, while I think Dad should back off, I also think your DD should realize her dad has feelings, too, it's not just about HER feelings. And, it doesn't and won't kill her for him to be at her practices so SHE'S manufacturing additional drama rather than learning how to cope and deal with the hand she's dealt.

I mean, really ... if I were a therapist peeling back the layers, I don't think it would take much to get to the point of revealing that your DD really is doing this to HERSELF, her Dad isn't doing this TO HER.

As for what to say to Dad -- NOTHING. Nada. Zip. You've said enough. In your situation since you all don't freely share parenting advice back and forth, your role is, if you're going to do ANYTHING (because you can legitimately do NOTHING), is to clue Dad into something he may not have any awareness of. But, since you've already done that, zip it. You're done. Dad will make of it what he will. It's not for you to say at all any more, it amounts to ganging up on him.

 

[CJane]

I agree w/stealth as well. Allowing her to quit in the middle of the season just because she doesn't like someone who comes to practices? What long term lesson is that teaching her? The point isn't so much that the person that she doesn't like is her FATHER, it's another person at the practice who is just WATCHING... he's not interacting, he's not coaching, he's just there.

Honestly, I've read your posts. I know that your child has a seriously conflicted relationship with her father. I know that he's a total ass. But that doesn't change the fact that Princess is going to have to get used to the idea of functioning in a world that's full of people we just don't like - and some of them happen to be family members. We suck it up and move on.

 

[sometwo]

She's threatening to quit because he's there?

What's going to happen when there is a gym full of people she don't like at a game? Things happen we don't like , its life, we get over it and move on. Somethings we can change something things we can't . She needs to learn this. In life you don't always get your way and especially not with your parents.


Your job is to be the parent here . She is the child.


Most times I am at all stepson's activities and daughters. Only this year have I slacked off and only because I'm starting to go back to work and kinda "weaning" them per say.

I also use that as a time to catch up with some of my friends that I don't get to see much (because my kids friend's, teamates etc's parents are my friends too)

This is a good life lesson teaching time. In my opinion.

 

[txmom512]

I'd say 1) since we don't have any idea what kind of people are involved personally, and 2) like everyone is so fond of pointing out, this is a LEGAL site, and 3) Micha has certainly not asked for parenting advice; it's really not anyone else's business how she parents her child. It's really up to her whether to let her quit, to not let her quit, etc...

 

[sometwo]

I'd say 1) since we don't have any idea what kind of people are involved personally, and 2) like everyone is so fond of pointing out, this is a LEGAL site, and 3) Micha has certainly not asked for parenting advice; it's really not anyone else's business how she parents her child. It's really up to her whether to let her quit, to not let her quit, etc

Actually since dad has joint legal and physical it seems that dad does have a say in all this and it isn't "just" parenting.

 

[LdiJ]

I do happen to remember the background on Micha's situation and the extremely strained relationship between the child and dad, and the boundry issues.

Therefore, I kind of disagree about not allowing the child to quit. I think that is a decision that Micha needs to make based on her knowledge of the overall situation.

 

[MichaCA]

Sorry to come back so late on this post. Its been a stressful time. I am still recuperating from a major auto accident, then I got the lovely flu last week on top.

Several things happened immediately after posting last time. First, daughter comes home and basically said she told her dad that if she showed up for a practice on her time with me, she would quit. I wasn't real happy about that, and for better and worse, I know my daughter and got she would. It IS unhealthy I agree, and I am becoming more and more concerned about her. I think LdiJ hit the nail on the head in remembering past posts...it IS a toxic relationship with her dad. And I will not force her which is what it would take. She told me point blank that she could not handle being around her dad any more than she already is. I pointed out to her that its sad to give up something she sincerely enjoys just cause someone is sitting in the room. The way she responded to me, I think my daughter is, and has been at a stress breaking point with her father and I truly got that emotionally, she cannot handle his presense. Her dictating to him was the only way she knows how to claim some control in her life.

THE SAME DAY I get a call from the coach. He has a practice of emailing all parents regularly...apparantly daughters dad emailed him talking about the practice he had taken her to on his time, he felt she was really discouraged. Since daughter had already brought up a casual comment herself that she didn't do too well at that practice, I thought no biggie...thats life, some days you do better than others. I know she does her best.

Well, the coach, who happens to be a child pyschologist, really into sports and has done this with his kids, basically expressed concern about daughter as she is only one on team not previously an athelete...sorry for spelling, and said that he doesn't like the CYO set up...meaning for beginning basketball players they don't get to practice for months but indeed would be jumping into the competitive games at the end of this month.

I was confused...what did he want me to do? I explained this was something SHE chose, wanted, that she did have a stress around her dad being there and that that may be worked out, that to pull her out would be the opposite of what I wanted for her. He kept stressing its competitive, much as the organization tries to keep things non pressure and non competitive it can be really hard on kids. Again I asked what he wanted me to do, and finally I agreed to simply have a talk with her to spell out how games are different from practice. I regretted it afterwards, he truly seemed to be coming from a good place...but it was just weird. So daughter decides on her own (because of my dumb talk with her) that she is NOT ready for games so soon. I emailed the coach and said that since she loves practice can we keep coming to practices, and to see how it goes.

I get ANOTHER call from the coach the other day. On another practice on dads time they start scrimaging and apparantely she just starts walking. Not trying hard. I asked her about it, and she was exhausted, stayed up late night before at her dads. I also emailed dad and simply asked could he help me with what is going on for her? That I am hearing from coach and from daughter, and I am confused, its the truth that everytime I take her to practice she is 100% into it.

Bottom line, its clear the coach doesn't want her there, its clear, to me, her dad isn't able to get her the rest she needs for her to play a sport at this time. Without saying any of that, I withdrew her yesterday. (never heard back from dad)

I know I sound pretty scrambled....I am honest and up front, and I know I didn't handle this well... I trusted this coach and after talking to some moms I realized I just let myself be a pushover, that because she was already the weak link on the team, there was pressure, concern maybe, still not sure...of her being on the team. Barring the stuff with her dad - I wish I had just kept her on the team, SHE was enjoying it even if others were having issues with her, and take things as they come. Yet she herself said it was too hard for her to do the intense activity/practice on little sleep.

What a mess. There goes my dream of her having a semi normal childhood with some sports, outside of the horseback riding she does at her dads (which is good). I so want her to make new friends...as she is at a new school where everyone already knows each other, and I saw first hand her light up around the other girls.

Thanks for listening. what a crazy drama.

 

[LdiJ]

Sorry to come back so late on this post. Its been a stressful time. I am still recuperating from a major auto accident, then I got the lovely flu last week on top.

Several things happened immediately after posting last time. First, daughter comes home and basically said she told her dad that if she showed up for a practice on her time with me, she would quit. I wasn't real happy about that, and for better and worse, I know my daughter and got she would. It IS unhealthy I agree, and I am becoming more and more concerned about her. I think LdiJ hit the nail on the head in remembering past posts...it IS a toxic relationship with her dad. And I will not force her which is what it would take. She told me point blank that she could not handle being around her dad any more than she already is. I pointed out to her that its sad to give up something she sincerely enjoys just cause someone is sitting in the room. The way she responded to me, I think my daughter is, and has been at a stress breaking point with her father and I truly got that emotionally, she cannot handle his presense. Her dictating to him was the only way she knows how to claim some control in her life.

THE SAME DAY I get a call from the coach. He has a practice of emailing all parents regularly...apparantly daughters dad emailed him talking about the practice he had taken her to on his time, he felt she was really discouraged. Since daughter had already brought up a casual comment herself that she didn't do too well at that practice, I thought no biggie...thats life, some days you do better than others. I know she does her best.

Well, the coach, who happens to be a child pyschologist, really into sports and has done this with his kids, basically expressed concern about daughter as she is only one on team not previously an athelete...sorry for spelling, and said that he doesn't like the CYO set up...meaning for beginning basketball players they don't get to practice for months but indeed would be jumping into the competitive games at the end of this month.

I was confused...what did he want me to do? I explained this was something SHE chose, wanted, that she did have a stress around her dad being there and that that may be worked out, that to pull her out would be the opposite of what I wanted for her. He kept stressing its competitive, much as the organization tries to keep things non pressure and non competitive it can be really hard on kids. Again I asked what he wanted me to do, and finally I agreed to simply have a talk with her to spell out how games are different from practice. I regretted it afterwards, he truly seemed to be coming from a good place...but it was just weird. So daughter decides on her own (because of my dumb talk with her) that she is NOT ready for games so soon. I emailed the coach and said that since she loves practice can we keep coming to practices, and to see how it goes.

I get ANOTHER call from the coach the other day. On another practice on dads time they start scrimaging and apparantely she just starts walking. Not trying hard. I asked her about it, and she was exhausted, stayed up late night before at her dads. I also emailed dad and simply asked could he help me with what is going on for her? That I am hearing from coach and from daughter, and I am confused, its the truth that everytime I take her to practice she is 100% into it.

Bottom line, its clear the coach doesn't want her there, its clear, to me, her dad isn't able to get her the rest she needs for her to play a sport at this time. Without saying any of that, I withdrew her yesterday. (never heard back from dad)

I know I sound pretty scrambled....I am honest and up front, and I know I didn't handle this well... I trusted this coach and after talking to some moms I realized I just let myself be a pushover, that because she was already the weak link on the team, there was pressure, concern maybe, still not sure...of her being on the team. Barring the stuff with her dad - I wish I had just kept her on the team, SHE was enjoying it even if others were having issues with her, and take things as they come. Yet she herself said it was too hard for her to do the intense activity/practice on little sleep.

What a mess. There goes my dream of her having a semi normal childhood with some sports, outside of the horseback riding she does at her dads (which is good). I so want her to make new friends...as she is at a new school where everyone already knows each other, and I saw first hand her light up around the other girls.

Thanks for listening. what a crazy drama.

I think that your daughter may have been deliberately doing poorly on dad's time, so that it would seem appropriate to dad for her to be off the team...and maybe to get the coach to do exactly what the coach did.

 

[CJane]

I think that your daughter may have been deliberately doing poorly on dad's time, so that it would seem appropriate to dad for her to be off the team...and maybe to get the coach to do exactly what the coach did.

Me too. She can't tell YOU that, but really... if she wanted to play - REALLY wanted to play, she would have given it her all even if she was tired/stressed/whatever. My kiddo LOVES BBall and routinely runs her lil hiney off at practices on 2 hours of slumber party sleep.

And a normal childhood doesn't require sports. There are other things she could be involved in that would get her interacting with other kids and that Dad couldn't interfere with - Drama, band, chess club ... lots of stuff.