other parent attending all sports practices?

[stealth2]

Your daughter manipulated the three of you very nicely, IMO.

Dad... Does he use toothpicks to keep her eyes open and not allow her to sleep? Or does she *choose* to stay up as late as he allows her to? But now he's the scapegoat.

The coach? I suspect he may have been preparing you (so you could prepare her) that she may be riding the bench a fair bit since she didn't have the same level of experience as her teammates. And that's not a bad thing, sometimes. My daughter rode the bench a fair bit this season when it came to Varsity games. She hated it. Enough so that she worked her butt off to build her skills and earn a spot on the field. She *earned* her starting position in the State playoffs.

And you... rewarded her for the manipulation. I don't discount her discomfort. But it's something she needs to learn to cope with - because she's going to deal with similar situations during her lifetime. What's she going to do when she doesn't like someone in one of her classes? Or in her department at work? Or the person next door?

I do agree, however, that a "normal" childhood doesn't have to include sports. Plenty of other activities are available. My oldest isn't into sports as a participant. But he's involved in drama, several vocal groups, Lit Mag, etc.

 

[MichaCA]

Yeah, its sucky. However to her credit, when there are people she doesn't like, she ignores them. Dad somehow is in a different catagory or I trained her (or thought I had anyway) to be nothing but polite and respectful when he spontaneously shows up at functions.

Thanks for the words of support about other activities...I really do want her involved. Its hard when the two parents are in such constant disagreement. The father disagreed to the basketball (believe it or not!). I did one of those, hope and pray he'll show for her (which he did!) but that in itself was stressful for a while, to know I had to be completely detached as to whether he chose to bring her to practices on his time. (per our court order)

I don't like scapegoating the dad around lack of rest. It is a huge difference in her two homes...I am a vigilent mom about sleep, he's just not...she is allowed to stay up and read for hours...he doesn't check. I did mention to her SHE could have gone to bed early, and inside, I do wish he would simply know to make it a priority as she is not at all used to sports.

I kind of forgot in the interum...in one of our custody evaluation "updates", preschool and kindergarden years, the psychologist felt a statment was warranted in the court order that father should refrain from seeking out and making contact with daughter on mothers time. He stalked me/us for a couple of years and was really icky. I had completely forgotten that....so there is a legal precedent that he has issues with boundries.

Now he is refusing to communicate with me at all...about her dentist appt he took her to. I have asked three times. Also no info about basketball except for one email that after talking with the coach he wanted her out of the team. Small problems, but they just never stop.

 

[MichaCA]

One question I am always curious about. I know custody evals are sealed in the court house. Who exactly is authorized to review them when our case comes up...the judge and the attorneys? But it can't be discussed in open courtroom (cause its sealed)? Thanks, MichaCA

 

[Ohiogal]

Me too. She can't tell YOU that, but really... if she wanted to play - REALLY wanted to play, she would have given it her all even if she was tired/stressed/whatever. My kiddo LOVES BBall and routinely runs her lil hiney off at practices on 2 hours of slumber party sleep.

And a normal childhood doesn't require sports. There are other things she could be involved in that would get her interacting with other kids and that Dad couldn't interfere with - Drama, band, chess club ... lots of stuff.

I agree with LD and Cjane. I will also state that your daughter CHOSE to stay up late and be "tired". Your daughter is playing a game and manipulating you. Her dad is an excuse for it all.

 

[sometwo]

I agree with LD and Cjane. I will also state that your daughter CHOSE to stay up late and be "tired". Your daughter is playing a game and manipulating you. Her dad is an excuse for it all.

Which makes you wonder, if its ball this time, what is it next time. Or the time after that. Im sure she'll find a way to blame it on dad whatever happens or whatever she ends up doing next.

 

[Ohiogal]

Which makes you wonder, if its ball this time, what is it next time. Or the time after that. Im sure she'll find a way to blame it on dad whatever happens or whatever she ends up doing next.

Well lets see, -- getting pregnant, getting drunk, underage drinking, doing drugs (pot is popular), shoplifting, flunking a class or several, smoking cigarettes, getting detention, getting suspension, not participating in any extra curriculars.

If mom lets her blame quitting basketball on dad, I can see junior miss blaming EVERYTHING she does wrong on the fact that daddy exists. Mom have a conversation with her as to her HONEST reasons why she quit -- and do not allow her to blame her father. At. All.

 

[Ohiogal]

One question I am always curious about. I know custody evals are sealed in the court house. Who exactly is authorized to review them when our case comes up...the judge and the attorneys? But it can't be discussed in open courtroom (cause its sealed)? Thanks, MichaCA

It is very possible that the custody evaluator could be questioned on the findings in open court.

 

[PQN]

no dad

When I was that age if my dad would have started to show up at my basketball practices, I would have quit too. Basketball would have been less important to me than minimizing time around him. I'm glad OP is getting her into therapy, that is crucial.

 

[MichaCA]

Thanks for your replies, and for the last posters' experience as a child. I am recognizing the need, and just haven't had the stamina for it, enough issues have built up my goal is to ask a judge permission for another custody evaluation "update" with our old custody evaluator. He is very neutral and has been the only one in the court system who has the time to look deeply at whats going on with daughter. I am hoping he can help. Frankly, its been since the court system overrode his recommendations that daughter has been overly stressed and incredibly unhappy.

The basketball is minor. I think in regards to extracurricular activities, I am going to address whats gone on with it...partly that dad would not commit leaving me unsure whether or not he would participate...but mainly to look at these old standing issues with her dad, as well as other logistical issues in our court order that have been real stresses every year.

In daughters defense, SHE wasn't blaming her dad for her staying up late, I did. She just told me the facts. I can't control dad on his time. However, this being her first sport, I would have hoped he would have been more helpful in teaching her how to get a good nights sleep. I agree, she DOES manipulate him at night time, she tells me about it. I have emailed her dad, he ignores it.

It was not online until recently. Next year she goes to middle school and they have two things she likes, basketball (less competitive) and volleyball.

For all I know, the custody evaluator may recommend that dad refrain from coming to practices, just come to games. I don't know. But we've worked with him three times now...and he just might. Thanks for all your help. Micha