PA New father issues

[t74]

You likely have friends in common who can/will let you know when the baby is born. Definitely have a paternity test.

It would be really nice if the presumed grandparents and you sent flowers or food to arrive once she gets home. If the baby is yours, you will want to have a cordial if not friendly relationship for the child's benefit. Be the bigger person; this does not mean giving up your rights, it means being reasonable even if she behaves badly.

Read the forum to see what will happen if you two cannot work together. It will be a very long - and expensive 18 years.

 

[commentator]

Keep the darn flowers. Frankly, if you've had problems in the past resulting in a request (though I did not see where it was granted) for a restraining order, it's really sort of creepy to send flowers when the baby is born, IMHO. "I see you, I know about the baby, I'm coming to get at least partial custody....." Ick. The baby won't know if you sent flowers when they were born, and the mother and her family will NOT be pleased and wooed. Just wait until you're relatively sure the baby's here and file the custody request.

 

[t74]

Keep the darn flowers. Frankly, if you've had problems in the past resulting in a request (though I did not see where it was granted) for a restraining order, it's really sort of creepy to send flowers when the baby is born, IMHO. "I see you, I know about the baby, I'm coming to get at least partial custody....." Ick. The baby won't know if you sent flowers when they were born, and the mother and her family will NOT be pleased and wooed. Just wait until you're relatively sure the baby's here and file the custody request.

A new baby is a reason for a congratulatory message. Flowers, balloons, etc are less personal, IMO, than baby gear off of a registry. It is certainly not about custody. If mom and her family are so petty that they would be annoyed, then poor dad - whoever it might be - is in a bad situation for the long haul. OP can find joy for mom and the new arrival even if he is not the dad.

In my area ROs/POs are filed for no good reason. Many are filed because mom wants to take junior on vacation during dad's time or have a holiday that is not hers or just to create problems ... The system is abused terribly.

 

[stealth2]

I'd send flowers (but nothing crazy elaborate), but have them delivered professionally - NOT in person.

 

[Zigner]

I'd send flowers (but nothing crazy elaborate), but have them delivered professionally - NOT in person.

I would not send flowers for a newborn. Balloons are ok. Why? I'd be worried about possible allergies for anyone in the unit (adults and babies alike).

 

[not2cleverRed]

A new baby is a reason for a congratulatory message. Flowers, balloons, etc are less personal, IMO, than baby gear off of a registry. It is certainly not about custody. If mom and her family are so petty that they would be annoyed, then poor dad - whoever it might be - is in a bad situation for the long haul. OP can find joy for mom and the new arrival even if he is not the dad.

In my area ROs/POs are filed for no good reason. Many are filed because mom wants to take junior on vacation during dad's time or have a holiday that is not hers or just to create problems ... The system is abused terribly.

Flowers are viewed as a personal gift with romantic overtones when given to a recent ex.

Per post #5, the expectant mother has pursued a restraining order within the past month. It is best to keep one's distance from those who would have within recent history gone to court and obtained a TRO against you, even if it never became an RO.

The fact that the TRO didn't become an RO does not necessarily mean that the pregnant ex is being petty.

 

[stealth2]

Flowers, balloons, whatever (though I don't see one of those cute Welcome Baby arrangements to be particularly "romantic - certainly, I'd steer away from an arrangement clearly for Mom) - the point being to NOT deliver them personally.

 

[t74]

Flowers are viewed as a personal gift with romantic overtones when given to a recent ex.

Per post #5, the expectant mother has pursued a restraining order within the past month. It is best to keep one's distance from those who would have within recent history gone to court and obtained a TRO against you, even if it never became an RO.

The fact that the TRO didn't become an RO does not necessarily mean that the pregnant ex is being petty.

Since I have been out of the dating game over 50 years, I did not link romance and flowers. My spouse brings them - even when shopping with kid - from the supermarket just because they brighten the kitchen table. It is hard to be romantic over PBandJs. I was thinking of an arrangement with a stuffed toy in a cutsie container to be used on the changing table to hold essentials... I defer to those with more recent dating experience, Send a try of cookies to share with visitors then.

I can certainly see a prospective dad becoming upset if told that he is not going to be allowed to see a newborn he believes to be his. He could believe he is only a meal ticket. While I do not approve of threats or violence, I also do not approve of selfish, self centered women using a child to abuse and threaten the father. You only get to hold a child on the first day of life once; dad can never get that time back if it is denied. There are two people in every fight, the person who starts it and the person who does not avoid it fast enough. Both are guilty , but the instigator usually gets off without punishment.

My generation gap is showing. I do not view an unmarried couple - essentially a single woman without the presumed father as a significant other in a long term, monogamous relationship - having a child as desirable for any involved. I am personally dealing with several very entitled single women at this time; all need to be sent to their rooms without dinner to reflect on their behavior (and all of them are childless and over 60! so age does not matter), and I am a woman. Women can be devious and mean; men are too stupid to avoid them.

 

[commentator]

I received a huge bouquet of roses with divorce papers one time. Someone suggested I should send them back with "reverse and insert" instructions. I didn't, because I was literally avoiding a crazy man, you don't engage in any way. Sending unwanted flowers (or balloons, or cards or candygrams) to someone who has specifically requested and indicated they want no contact with you is creepy.

 

[not2cleverRed]

I received a huge bouquet of roses with divorce papers one time. Someone suggested I should send them back with "reverse and insert" instructions. I didn't, because I was literally avoiding a crazy man, you don't engage in any way. Sending unwanted flowers (or balloons, or cards or candygrams) to someone who has specifically requested and indicated they want no contact with you is creepy.

While I've not received flowers under those circumstances, I did receive flowers while I had an order of protection against the giver. I felt positively ill.

My neighbor's ex-husband used to regularly send her flowers. She said it was worse before the divorce. I do not think that her dislike of such gestures was spiteful: throughout their marriage he had beaten her, cheated on her, gambled away their money and (the last straw) raped their disabled son.

It's controlling and hostile, precisely because there are people like @t74 "don't get it".

@t74 : you're constantly telling people to "get along". Well, part of getting along is not going out of your way to push other people's buttons. Sending the type of things you are suggesting could be like throwing gasoline on a fire. How about we stick to suggestions on how to deescalate the situation, so that OP can have a smoother co-parenting relationship someday? Whether his ex is 10 shades of spiteful crazy is moot, because he chose to have sex with her, and whatever protection they were using was insufficient, so a positive paternity test may just mean he's stuck with her.

 

[t74]

I do not think a gift upon a birth of a baby is escalating a situation. You can be happy for someone you do not normally get along with. Kindness is contagious.

Many people do not know how to reach out and say they are sorry. In today's world people are under so much stress every day with from work problems, home problems, and financial problems. Relationship problems are inevitable. I watch the 20 and 30 somethings dealing with issues I never had to confront (like horrendous student loans, problems affording the "American Dream" of a house in a nice neighborhood with good schools, obtaining affordable health care, a balanced work/home life, long commutes, job insecurity, being subjected to crime, ... It is understandable to those of us who did not face those issues while having a young family and relatively new relationship that there are more problems, fewer marriages, more divorces, more domestic violence (by both men and women), and the myriad of other social problems today. We can only "fix" those problems around us which means trying to "get along" - or at least avoid confrontation whenever possible. Unfortunately, too often one or both sides of a dispute dig in.