Parent Teacher Conferences

[Newlydivmomto4]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

Okay, this is probably a silly question, but I might as well ask it.

A little background, My divorce was final Dec 30, ex gave me full legal and physical custody, ex got remarried feb 10 to my former nanny. Last week I emailed him out of courtesy that there were parent/teacher conferences for today and gave him the times. I never expected him to show for them as he has not gone to one in 7 years. Well, he has decided to go to them. Because of the past, I am really not comfortable around him, not that he would hurt me physically. He is no longer accepted into my house because he told the kids he was remarried and told them not to tell me, I refuse to be disrespected like that in my own house. I am now debating if I should just let him go to these conferences and ask the teachers for separate ones. Am I overreacting?

 

[RRevak]

Honestly it might be better for you both to be there as maybe dad wants to be in on what jr is doing (or not doing) in school. This way if there is a problem there can be no room for any "he said/she said". Both of you have the problem adressed to you, both of you can deal with the situation as you see fit. Also doesnt give jr room to tell one parent one thing and the other parent something else to further murk up the waters. If dad wants to go, its his child too which means he has just as much right to be there as you do.

 

[cyjeff]

You say you have full and legal custody, but that the children still see him.

If he has visitation, you do not have full custody... you are just the custodial parent.

And he has a legal right to be present... even if he DID disrespect you.

You will find the future goes smoother if you don't use your children or their activities to hurt the other parent. It isn't appropriate.

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

You say you have full and legal custody, but that the children still see him.

If he has visitation, you do not have full custody... you are just the custodial parent.

And he has a legal right to be present... even if he DID disrespect you.

You will find the future goes smoother if you don't use your children or their activities to hurt the other parent. It isn't appropriate.

I'm not trying to hurt him, I just do not want to be around him. I'm not preventing him from seeing the kids, I just don't want him in my house.

 

[RRevak]

You say you have full and legal custody, but that the children still see him.

If he has visitation, you do not have full custody... you are just the custodial parent.

And he has a legal right to be present... even if he DID disrespect you.

You will find the future goes smoother if you don't use your children or their activities to hurt the other parent. It isn't appropriate.

I also want to add that since you are BOTH still his parents than his activities in school are the responsibility of BOTH of you. You cant just decide to turn a blind eye and pretend that dad isnt there just because you're angry with him. And I highly doubt that his teachers really have the time to make seperate conferences to accomodate your childish desire to sweep dad out of his role as an equal parent.

 

[cyjeff]

I'm not trying to hurt him, I just do not want to be around him. I'm not preventing him from seeing the kids, I just don't want him in my house.

That is your choice to make.

However, you don't get to make the choice about an activity outside your home that involves both parents.

Like the man or not, you are going to be seeing him regularly for the next couple of decades....

I suggest you figure out a way to coparent...

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I did not sleep well last night because I was up with sick kiddos so I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of nothing. It just irks me because he is wanting to do things as a "family" now, even though we are divorced and he has remarried. And I'm just resentful that he didn't do this for the past 13 years. I know I just need to get over it and move on.

 

[cyjeff]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I did not sleep well last night because I was up with sick kiddos so I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of nothing. It just irks me because he is wanting to do things as a "family" now, even though we are divorced and he has remarried. And I'm just resentful that he didn't do this for the past 13 years. I know I just need to get over it and move on.

I know you are hurt... you would have to be made out of stone not to be so soon after everything.

Having said that, be thankful. Yup, thankful.

If he is finally being the father he should have been all along, then great... the kids will benefit greatly.

You will also get to make your own rules and set your own pace. Someday, you may even talk that pool boy into a romp that will make the nanny look old and dated...

But, right now, it doesn't matter... if the kids are happier, take that as a sign that, though painful, this is a good thing.

 

[Ohiogal]

I'm not trying to hurt him, I just do not want to be around him. I'm not preventing him from seeing the kids, I just don't want him in my house.

YOU do not have the right to dictate that he cannot attend teacher conferences regarding HIS children. Plain and simple. He has as much right to be there as you do.

 

[Ohiogal]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I did not sleep well last night because I was up with sick kiddos so I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of nothing. It just irks me because he is wanting to do things as a "family" now, even though we are divorced and he has remarried. And I'm just resentful that he didn't do this for the past 13 years. I know I just need to get over it and move on.

You need to realize that the children are HIS family. You are not but they are.

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

You need to realize that the children are HIS family. You are not but they are.

I totally agree, but he is trying to get me to go places with him when he has visitation time. He has asked me twice to go along and I have politely declined. When my children ask why I didn't go, I respond by telling them that when Daddy has them, its their time to spend with Daddy and I do not want to interfere.

 

[2Mistakes]

I don't see where the OP was trying to push dad out. I don't see where OP was trying to keep dad from going to the conference(s).

She asked if she should let dad go to conference(s) by himself and have seperate ones herself.

You say you have full and legal custody, but that the children still see him.

One parent can have full physical and legal custody, and the kids can still see the other parent. That doesn't negate the court ordered full physical and legal custody (if that is in fact what OP's court order grants.)

If he has visitation, you do not have full custody... you are just the custodial parent.

If her court order says that she has full physical and legal custody, then yes, she does. And dad would have parenting time or visitation, depending on what that court calls it. Where I am, it is referred to as visitation.

OP, your divorce is pretty fresh. If you absolutely don't feel comfortable attending the conference(s) with dad, I'm sure the teachers would understand, and could work with you on it, at least 1 time. At some point, though, you will need to come to terms with the divorce and be able to attend things with him for the benefit of the kids.

Maybe for this conference, dad can attend in person and you can attend via telephone. That way you both hear everything, and the teacher is only conducting 1 conference.

Just a thought.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

If you’re only doing it because Dad “dissed” you, it’s kinda petty.

Having separate conferences is a lose/lose situation all the way around, as nobody ever seems to get the same information. Trust me on this.

 

[Ohiogal]

I don't see where the OP was trying to push dad out. I don't see where OP was trying to keep dad from going to the conference(s).

She asked if she should let dad go to conference(s) by himself and have seperate ones herself.

SHE does NOT have the authority to give dad permission to go or order him to schedule separate conferences. She should LET HIM? Ummm, no. She has no right to either give or deny him permission from attending a student teacher conference that he has EVERY RIGHT to attend.

One parent can have full physical and legal custody, and the kids can still see the other parent. That doesn't negate the court ordered full physical and legal custody (if that is in fact what OP's court order grants.)


If her court order says that she has full physical and legal custody, then yes, she does. And dad would have parenting time or visitation, depending on what that court calls it. Where I am, it is referred to as visitation.

True.

OP, your divorce is pretty fresh. If you absolutely don't feel comfortable attending the conference(s) with dad, I'm sure the teachers would understand, and could work with you on it, at least 1 time. At some point, though, you will need to come to terms with the divorce and be able to attend things with him for the benefit of the kids.

Maybe for this conference, dad can attend in person and you can attend via telephone. That way you both hear everything, and the teacher is only conducting 1 conference.

Just a thought.

While your suggestion is good, it doesn't benefit the child quite frankly as much as two parents being mature would benefit said child.

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

SHE does NOT have the authority to give dad permission to go or order him to schedule separate conferences. She should LET HIM? Ummm, no. She has no right to either give or deny him permission from attending a student teacher conference that he has EVERY RIGHT to attend.


True.



While your suggestion is good, it doesn't benefit the child quite frankly as much as two parents being mature would benefit said child.

By "let him" I was referring to the fact that I had scheduled the conference and he was already planning on attending. Because I did not feel comfortable, I was going to "let him" keep the current conference and schedule a new one for myself.

I am going to the one that is scheduled and both of us will be there. If I come running back here complaining, please forgive me, this is all still way too new for me.

I am really confused by the custody wording. My paperwork says:

Child Custody and Visitation Order Attachment
TO: Judgement
1. Custody
Kids names dob legal custody to:myself physical custody to:myself
2. Visitation
Reasonable right of visitation to the party without physical custody.