Parental Alienation?

[stepmomndad]

How would you feel if your Ex was "putting the ringer on silent" so that the child couldn't have contact with YOU????????????

Actually, SHE does. She's done it while my mom was there. Or, she screens phone calls. Or, she just flat out turns the phone off (it will go right to voice mail). Again, I'm the NCP and the one weekend a month I get my daughter, I value the time that I spend with her and if she requests to call her mom she calls her. It's when her mom calls her and she not only talks to mom but mom's new hubby, her grandma, her 4 siblings, and her cousins. We go through this every time I see her.

 

[stepmomndad]

I should also add that I do not turn the ringer off EVERY day, just some days. Like, if we're doing something at the house or having family time. And, if you don't agree with that, fine. I was actually told on here before that you don't have to answer a ringing phone.

But, that ringing phone can be turned down so you don't hear the ringer when it goes off for a hour straight.

 

[fairisfair]

I should also add that I do not turn the ringer off EVERY day, just some days. Like, if we're doing something at the house or having family time. And, if you don't agree with that, fine. I was actually told on here before that you don't have to answer a ringing phone.

But, that ringing phone can be turned down so you don't hear the ringer when it goes off for a hour straight.

a better solution would be to set a given time for phone calls and explain to the other parent that you will not be able to accept calls at any other time, but that you will make the child available during those hours.

something like

Hey Ex, I am sure that it is just as frustrating for you as it is for me that you sometimes miss the calls with little susie, or that the calls come at a bad time for us to stop what we are doing together.

In order to avoid that, how about we set some reasonable time so that you can talk to her, and I can be sure she isn't distracted by things we are doing together. If you could call between 7:30 and 8:30, we are usually done with dinner and home. We will be sure to answer the phone then, but we can't promise to answer it immediately at any other time, if you want to leave a message, I could also have little Susie call YOU during those hours as well.

 

[Grayson]

Another piece of advice is you could be horribly petty and do the same thing when your daughter is not with you, call and tell her of the things you bought and the things you'll do when she is with you again.....but from what we've read you don't exactly seem like you would be that kind of parent.

I agree with everyone else, allow the phone calls with the parent, teach your daughter about what is truly important in life and how Toys and such are not. Your daughter is young and as she gets older she will eventually see that and learn that what is more important is time with her Parents and their love, vs what toys she will get. Good Luck

 

[meribeth]

You cannot control what she does. Understand and learn that now. If its 50 phone calls or 1 phone call it may always be the same, and your right it will have an impact no matter how many times she speaks to her mother. You can control what you do and how you respond. Don't cut off communication with the other parent it will come back to haunt you.
Be a better person and don't stoop to her level. When she talks about that stuff just say "hey that's great."
When your with your child make the most of your time by spending TIME together and not MONEY.
My ex buys PSP, flat screen TV's, cell phones and trips to Disneyworld, and all the while not paying chidl support (arrears 22k and going up)!!!
But i have found that over the years the trips to the park and playing hide and seek, and going fishing, going to the river and skipping rocks, and having carpet picnics have been what my children look back upon and talk about the most. I don't here much about the 42 inch plasma screen tv with the playstation3 he bought them, but I do here about how funny they thought it was that we all slept in the livingroom in sleeping bags.

 

[2Mistakes]

I have to disagree slightly with some posters here.

SOMETIMES, it IS ok to not answer the phone.

For example, whenever my ex calls to talk to the kids, it never fails that she calls at 5:30-6:00 in the evening. Right in the middle of dinner.

Dinner is very important to me. No, not the food. But my family still does dinner the traditional way. We all sit at the table, and each person tells a little bit about their day.

And I don't care if it's the Pope calling, the phone will not be answered during dinner. Period.

I have explained this to my ex umpteen million times. She just doesn't get it. I have told her the kids are home and available from 3:30-5:30 p.m. and from 7:00-9:00 p.m. every day. But of course she calls during dinner.

I always tell the kids that their mom called. They call her back, and 90% of the time, she doesn't answer.

Anyways, my point is that no parent should be at the complete mercy of the other parent. There are times when it's ok to just not answer the phone or turn the ringer off. When we have Family Friday Movie Night, we turn off the ringer. Not to block the ex, but because we don't want ANYONE interrupting.

 

[>Charlotte<]

Let's remember, however, that the OP's problem isn't that she calls, or when she calls, or how often she calls, but what she says when she calls.

I think the suggestion that this could be used as an opportunity to teach a lesson about materialism was excellent.

 

[2Mistakes]

Let's remember, however, that the OP's problem isn't that she calls, or when she calls, or how often she calls, but what she says when she calls.

I think the suggestion that this could be used as an opportunity to teach a lesson about materialism was excellent.

No doubt there is an opportunity for lessons here. I'm not disputing that. But sometimes, it is ok, and maybe preferrable to just turn the ringer off and concentrate on family time.

I'm not sure that OP has said how old daughter is, and I'm too lazy to go back and read. But chances are, daughter will understand what her mom is doing all on her own, in due time.

Not long ago, I overheard my 14 year old daughter tell her mom that she didn't want to hear about anymore of mom's hotshot toys (Harleys) or fancy vacations. I guess ex asked why, and daughter told her that she's sick of hearing about all the great things mom spends all her money on while me and my wife struggle to provide a good life for the kids, and that maybe her mom should pay more child support and spend less on her toys.

 

[onebreath]

OK, off the wall proposal and curious what senior members have to say about this. What if when mom calls if dad at some point politely picks up another phone and encourages child to tell mom all the things she has done, listens, and just kind of stays on the phone. Would that be horrible? Maybe one or two of the three phonecalls a week....just to be a benign positive supervision over the conversation?

 

[>Charlotte<]

I seriously doubt the mother would consider that benign or positive.

 

[LdiJ]

OK, off the wall proposal and curious what senior members have to say about this. What if when mom calls if dad at some point politely picks up another phone and encourages child to tell mom all the things she has done, listens, and just kind of stays on the phone. Would that be horrible? Maybe one or two of the three phonecalls a week....just to be a benign positive supervision over the conversation?

Judge's don't consider it to be benign or positive either.

 

[2Mistakes]

OK, off the wall proposal and curious what senior members have to say about this. What if when mom calls if dad at some point politely picks up another phone and encourages child to tell mom all the things she has done, listens, and just kind of stays on the phone. Would that be horrible? Maybe one or two of the three phonecalls a week....just to be a benign positive supervision over the conversation?

Horrible, terrible idea. There is no reason for 1 parent to eavesdrop on the childens' conversation with the other parent.

 

[3UofMfans]

I agree with the other posters. This is a great time to teach your daughter about what is truly important. My ex and his wife have A LOT more money to spend on vacations and toys etc. Our boys are 13 & 10. They have been taught the importance of family and giving back to the community. Maybe you could volunteer somewhere? I volunteer with the fire department. They go on some calls with me and know how important it is to help others. Also, there are so many things to do that don't require money but give you family time. My family buys ME games for xmas and bdays so I can have family fun with the kids. There are parks, museums, walks etc. My boys love spending time with me because it is all about family and just having time together. I talk to them about the importance of family and they really did understand. Good luck!

 

[stealth2]

I'm not sure that OP has said how old daughter is, and I'm too lazy to go back and read.

Yeah... the first sentence of the first post would be REALLY hard to find.

 

[CJane]

Horrible, terrible idea. There is no reason for 1 parent to eavesdrop on the childens' conversation with the other parent.

Not without a court ordering it, for sure.

Besides, it's CREEPY to be so incredibly interested in what the other parent is saying. I really really really wish that psople would LET GO. Know that your ex has a relationship with the children that you share... and that you no longer have any right to insert yourself into that relationship and control any of its aspects.