Parenting Decision, Correct?

[2Mistakes]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MS

Is it up to me whether or not my 12 year old daughter is allowed to have a cell phone at my house?

The kids were with their mom this past weekend, and after they came home, I got an email from the ex that she is buying the 12 year old a cell phone to have at my house.

Her reason is that the 15 year old has one, so the 12 year old should, too, and that's it's not fair if I don't let the 12 year old have one.

I do not feel that our 12 year old is mature or responsible enough to have a cell phone, and really don't see the need for it. The 15 year old didn't get one until she was 14, and that was only because that was when she started going and doing things with friends (going to mall for short periods of time, etc.), and I wanted to be able to contact her at all times. She had also proven that she was mature and responsible.

I emailed her back and told her that I make the rules for my home, and that the 12 year old will not have a cell phone (in my home) until I feel she needs one. I told her that if she sent a cell phone home with 12 year old the next time she has them (in 2 weeks) that I would propmptly mail it back to her, certified mail with a signature required. I also explained that it was nothing against her, that this past Christmas my dad wanted to buy 12 year old a cell phone, and I told him no as well.

She replied with telling me that she dares me to take away the phone she sends home with the 12 year old, and that if I do, she will make sure the judge knows about it.

I did not reply back, and probably shouldn't have replied even the 1st time, but I also feel that I need to set boundaries, and she needs to know that she does not dictate what privledges the kids can have at my home.

And now of course I'm 2nd guessing myself.

Is it a parenting decision to decide whether not the 12 year old can have a cell phone while with me?

 

[ray25]

Your house your rules!

 

[Rushia]

Eh, I would put it on a shelf and let it sit there. When it rings and it's her mother, let 12yo answer it. Send it back to mom's with her and then call her on it when you wish to talk to your child.

 

[Rushia]

Im not a senior but that is how I have always seen that stuff.


Now if there was not a way for the other parent to contact child then there could be issues there. But that's not the case. This is just the parents wants the child to have one.

I also agree. stepson is 11 and dd is 8 (be 9 next month) Alot of their friends have cell phones. They keep asking for one. Stepson asked me one day when he will be getting one. I told him when he was grown and bought it himself. I told him that was not somethign you just get that would be a luxury or something special not an obligation on my part.

Of course they will both probably get one by the time they start driving but I don't want them to expect it. It it a gift not a right.

I feel the same way. I had to break and get the kids one because when grandpa had the kids he refused to let the children call me when they wanted to.

 

[Zephyr]

I know your sitch is slightly different- BUT my judge said kiddo could keep the cell I provided for him- remember I am ncp...just like your ex (well hopefully not "just like")

I think the kicker in my sitch was after calling every single day for 3 months, I had talked to kiddo about 8 times for a total of less than 30 minutes.....

just saying- if this goes the distance- it's not always a sure thing

 

[wileybunch]

Yes, it is a parenting decision and I totally see your point. People have different ideas of when a child is ready for a phone. But if Mom goes to court on this, there is also a good chance the judge would allow the child to have it, perhaps with some conditions.

But, can I ask ... what is your biggest fear of 12yo having it now vs at age 14? That she will lose or break it? That she will use it when she's not supposed to? Those things can be addressed ie. it's between she and her mom what happens when she loses/breaks it. As for using it when she's not supposed to, you could say to Mom you'll allow it if Mom will give you access to the online account so you can monitor the phone/text usage. Mom might not want to do that so then you might ask for a report once/week be emailed instead so you can keep an eye out.

 

[Zephyr]

Yes, it is a parenting decision and I totally see your point. People have different ideas of when a child is ready for a phone. But if Mom goes to court on this, there is also a good chance the judge would allow the child to have it, perhaps with some conditions.

But, can I ask ... what is your biggest fear of 12yo having it now vs at age 14? That she will lose or break it? That she will use it when she's not supposed to? Those things can be addressed ie. it's between she and her mom what happens when she loses/breaks it. As for using it when she's not supposed to, you could say to Mom you'll allow it if Mom will give you access to the online account so you can monitor the phone/text usage. Mom might not want to do that so then you might ask for a report once/week be emailed instead so you can keep an eye out.

or get the programmable phone- that only makes and accepts calls from preapproved numbers.....

 

[wileybunch]

or get the programmable phone- that only makes and accepts calls from preapproved numbers.....

AT&T also has that sort of service for $4.99/mo (on top of regular phone line charges).

 

[Isis1]

this is just my take on it....

yeah, you shouldn't have sent that first e-mail. it came off as aggressive. and that put mom on the defense. so she reacted in a poor manner as well. just to be head strong about being able to do what she wants as a parent.

i have no ideas on damage control at this point, but the phone should just have been confiscated once the child came home. put away until next visit.

personally, i gave my 11 year old a phone. a cheap pay by minute phone. i'm using it as a test. i call it from the house number, he comes running home when he's at a friend's house or outside. if i call from my cell phone number, he's to pick up the phone. he takes it to dad's. he comes back with it. so far, the system works out well. his dad is using the usage to his advantage as well.

 

[CourtClerk]

I personally would send the phone back just as you said you would and dare my child to say something to me.

Kiddo has been asking for a phone for about 3 years now. My (older) neice got a phone, my son asked again. My mother then bought the little neice (sister 2 years younger than my son) a phone and took my son to buy one as well because my mother said, he was there when she bought the phones, he was going to know eventually she had one and she didn't want him to feel left out (cry me a river). I asked her (in front of him) if she wanted to return it or did she want me to as I've already said no child is going to get a phone in my house until I say they can have one in my house and I don't care WHO buys it.


The phone went back.

 

[2Mistakes]

Yes, it is a parenting decision and I totally see your point. People have different ideas of when a child is ready for a phone. But if Mom goes to court on this, there is also a good chance the judge would allow the child to have it, perhaps with some conditions.

But, can I ask ... what is your biggest fear of 12yo having it now vs at age 14? That she will lose or break it? That she will use it when she's not supposed to? Those things can be addressed ie. it's between she and her mom what happens when she loses/breaks it. As for using it when she's not supposed to, you could say to Mom you'll allow it if Mom will give you access to the online account so you can monitor the phone/text usage. Mom might not want to do that so then you might ask for a report once/week be emailed instead so you can keep an eye out.

My 12 year old is a little behind maturity-wise. She seems more like a 10 year old (and because she's so small, she can pass for 9 or 10 and save me money in restaurants)

She's not abnormally behind, she's I guess what you would call a late bloomer.

I have several reasons for not wanting her to have a phone, period. Then I have several reasons for not wanting her to have a phone that mom owns.

Reasons for not wanting her to have a phone at all:
1. She's very impressionable, tends to be a follower more than a leader. A lot of girls in her class seem to be VERY early bloomers. I'm afraid that she could be led down the wrong path easily, and having her own phone is a freedom I don't think she can handle responsibly. Yet.

2. I just don't see the need for her to have one yet. If she goes to a friend's house to hang out or spend the night, I speak to the parents first, and have all contact numbers.



Reason for not wanting her to have a phone mom owns:
1. Daughter tends to not take care of things. She breaks them or loses them. Just this week alone, she broke the rail off the top off her bunk bed and broke the arms off of 2 of my dining room chairs. Bless her heart, she's just a clutz. I could see her breaking or losing mom's phone, and then mom trying to make me responsible. That is stress I don't need. I don't want to be responsible for anything that belongs to mom.

It's not a matter of mom not being able to contact them at all. Mom calls my wife's phone (she refuses to call mine) all the time and talks to the kids. If she tried to tell the judge that she isn't allowed telephone access to the kids, that could EASILY be disproven with our detailed cell phone records, showing all incoming and outgoing calls, and the length of each call. I pay $5 extra per month per phone to have that detailed billing, #1 to keep tabs on 15 year old's cell phone use; and #2 just in case mom ever tries to say that I deny her access to the kids.

 

[haiku]

I think you over reacted too.

When she comes home with the phone you get to take it, and only allow it when you want her to have it. She can be allowed to talk on with mom but thats all. And when she goes to visit mom you let her bring the phone along.

This works out as a "good deal" for you, you get to test the kiddo and see ifshe is capable of having herown phone without shelling out for one yourself!

 

[2Mistakes]

I personally would send the phone back just as you said you would and dare my child to say something to me.

Kiddo has been asking for a phone for about 3 years now. My (older) neice got a phone, my son asked again. My mother then bought the little neice (sister 2 years younger than my son) a phone and took my son to buy one as well because my mother said, he was there when she bought the phones, he was going to know eventually she had one and she didn't want him to feel left out (cry me a river). I asked her (in front of him) if she wanted to return it or did she want me to as I've already said no child is going to get a phone in my house until I say they can have one in my house and I don't care WHO buys it.


The phone went back.

My ex has issues with boundries. Anyone remember the turtle debacle last summer?

For those of you who don't, last summer, mom sent the kids home to me with a large tank of turtles. She never asked me if they could have pets, just sent them home. I wasn't home when the kids were dropped off, my parents were, and they didn't know what to say or do. So we had these freakin' turtles. I let the kids keep them.

UPDATE ABOUT THE TURTLES:

We had the turtles for about 6 months. The kids did a good job of taking care of them for awhile, then the "new" wore off, and my house started smelling like ass.

I gave the kids a second chance. I told them either they cleaned the tank weekly, or the turtles had to go. About 3 weeks later, with the house still smelling of ass, we released the turtles in the creek behind our house.

 

[2Mistakes]

I think you over reacted too.

When she comes home with the phone you get to take it, and only allow it when you want her to have it. She can be allowed to talk on with mom but thats all. And when she goes to visit mom you let her bring the phone along.

This works out as a "good deal" for you, you get to test the kiddo and see ifshe is capable of having herown phone without shelling out for one yourself!

While I see your point, and it's good point, I'm dealing with a woman who seems to think she still calls all the shots in my home.

First it was the turtles. Now it's a phone. What's next? Sex and drugs?

I don't mind shelling out the cash . . . when I feel my daughter is mature enough to have a phone.

But I think that's my decision to make, in my home.

 

[Ohiogal]

Your house your rules!

Not quite. I have seen judges have fits when dad takes away a cell phone mom bought for the child and vice versa. He can put limits on the calls but he cannot take the phone away completely.