Please, I need advice on a separation situation.

[SaraJane]

What is the name of your state? Mississippi

Ok, my husband and I are separating we have made verbal agreements as to visitation and the basis of our separation. Im moving home to Michigan, he is going to remain in Mississippi.

My first concerns.

Im -playing dirty- just to get out of here without a huge battle. I've lied about how I got the money for the apartment that Im moving to (loan from a friend). I've mislead my husband in regards to possibly coming back at the end of the school year (I was desperate to get up there before school started so that my boys could start the school year fresh, and the divorce process - since he WILL fight it - is just going to be far too drawn out, and I cannot afford to pay the amount they want for a contested divorce as compared to a non contested).

I have no intentions of coming back or 'working things out with him'. I just told him what he wanted to hear so that I could leave without a battle or a fight, figuring that I can deal with the divorce later, once Im on my feet... or wait until he faces the reality of the situation and takes it upon himself.

My husband is an alchoholic. We have been struggling for years with his alchoholism, and his drinking and driving (3 DUI's) and I cannot take it anymore. His career is also an issue, being that in the past several months he has been home for no more than 3 days at a time, and sometimes gone for 3-4 weeks at a time.

I need to know now, if there is some sort of legal 'separation' type process I should take advantage of to make sure that he cant try to take my son away from me, once he finds that I do not plan to return. Or, so that during his visits he does not try to keep him, hide him, etc.

Can I file in Michigan once Im there?

I trust my husband, however I do not trust his family. His mother is bothered by the fact that we are not divorcing (I am too, really). But I am sincere when I've stated that I plan to allow him parenting time frequently, as well as allow his family to spend time with our child (1 year of age).

She began threatening me by stating that she was going to hire him a lawyer and make sure that the visitation guidelines were layed out in his favor, and that she too would have visitation time established for herself. (She's in New Mexico)

While I dont want to keep him from her, I do not plan to accomodate her with visitations outside of her trips to Mississippi for the holiday to see my husband and his sister. I figure that it is already quite fair of me to take her into consideration to accomodate the holiday schedules so that his family can all spend time with our son. My husband is also content with this.

He has told her to basically mind her own business, and that him and I will work things out just fine. I believe this, but once again, he is still under the impression that I want to make things work, and that Im just taking a break, when in fact I am not.



It is the best thing for my children and I to leave and go home. My family is in Michigan, I have no job here (yet I can return to my previous employer at home), and because my husband cannot take care of his addictions we are just too unstable, emotionally and financially, for the children to be here.

I just need to know what I can do to protect myself, and my children, from something drastic happening in the near, or distant, future.

I need advice. I would appreciate anything that you guys can offer.
Thank you in advance.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

why would anyone help a liar and cheat?

 

[SaraJane]

why would anyone help a liar and cheat?

Its great for you to assume the worst about me, I appreciate your ignorance.

If you would take time to evaluate the situation, perhaps you would have more opportunity to understand the reasonings.


My children and I are in an unfortunate situation that we MUST get out of. My intent is not to hurt my husband, but to save ourselves. Was your father, or mother, an alchoholic? Do you know of our situation first hand?

I believe Im doing what's best to protect myself and my children at this point, and their continued safety is now my concern.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

I told you I'm not wasting my time on you.

There are hundreds of you on this forum so do a search.

 

[CJane]

Ok, my husband and I are separating we have made verbal agreements as to visitation and the basis of our separation. Im moving home to Michigan, he is going to remain in Mississippi.

Verbal agreements mean nothing.

I have no intentions of coming back or 'working things out with him'. I just told him what he wanted to hear so that I could leave without a battle or a fight, figuring that I can deal with the divorce later, once Im on my feet... or wait until he faces the reality of the situation and takes it upon himself.

When he 'takes it upon himself', he can and should file to have you ordered to return the children to the state of Mississippi. Such a request will probably be granted, and custody will be granted to father, as you are clearly a flight risk and cannot be trusted to adhere to agreements.

My husband is an alchoholic. We have been struggling for years with his alchoholism, and his drinking and driving (3 DUI's) and I cannot take it anymore. His career is also an issue, being that in the past several months he has been home for no more than 3 days at a time, and sometimes gone for 3-4 weeks at a time.

Not really relevant since you've remained married to him.

I need to know now, if there is some sort of legal 'separation' type process I should take advantage of to make sure that he cant try to take my son away from me, once he finds that I do not plan to return. Or, so that during his visits he does not try to keep him, hide him, etc.

Any legal agreements you enter into are going to force you to sign, under penalty of perjury, that the information contained within is true. Are you prepated to do so?

BUT, if all you have is a verbal agreement, dad can keep the child away from you unless and until a court orders otherwise.

Can I file in Michigan once Im there?

6 months after you have moved there, assuming dad hasn't already filed in Mississippi by then.

But I am sincere when I've stated that I plan to allow him parenting time frequently, as well as allow his family to spend time with our child (1 year of age).

You've just lied about everything else, right?

Are you planning to pay for transportation for the child as well? Because it's likely to be your burden.

She began threatening me by stating that she was going to hire him a lawyer and make sure that the visitation guidelines were layed out in his favor,

Good for her! My parents did the same thing.

and that she too would have visitation time established for herself. (She's in New Mexico)

Not gonna happen.

I believe this, but once again, he is still under the impression that I want to make things work, and that Im just taking a break, when in fact I am not.

How do you know that he's not lying to YOU? It's possible he's just biding his time until you skip town, and then he'll file emergency motions, have you brought back to the state, evicted from the home, and he'll receive custody of the child while you're homeless and denied your move.

It is the best thing for my children and I to leave and go home. My family is in Michigan, I have no job here (yet I can return to my previous employer at home), and until my husband can take care of his addictions we are just too unstable, emotionally and financially, for the children to be here.

Once the court is involved, it's no longer up to you to decide what's best for the children.

I just need to know what I can do to protect myself, and my children, from something drastic happening in the near, or distant, future.

I dunno, stop being a lying, conniving beast, and actually follow the law? It might be a good start.

 

[SaraJane]

And other than lying, I do not believe that I have 'cheated' in any way. If you feel otherwise please elaborate.

I have not cleared out my husband's bank accounts and walked out with everything we own, I have worked with him and negotiated in every way that I can just to have the ability to take the children's things, and my things, and move back home so that we can have an opportunity to find happiness and stability in our life. I am NOT making him pay our way, or support the move, this is something Im doing on my own with the help of my family and friends, because I do not wish to take advantage of my husband.

I have only mislead him on the idea of us possibly coming back home in June after the school year is over. It was what he wanted to hear in order for us to leave, and I entertained him by stating that it was a possibility.

I am NOT a bad person, I am a mother who is looking out for the best interest of her children.

 

[CJane]

I am NOT a bad person, I am a mother who is looking out for the best interest of her children.

And again... it's no longer your concern. The courts will decide what's best for the children.

Unless Dad is an idiot, he's going to file LONG before you establish residency.

 

[SaraJane]

Unless Dad is an idiot, he's going to file LONG before you establish residency.

We're talking about a man who has been drunk every day that he's been home for over 8 years (only 4 of which I've been present for), a man who cannot leave the house without alchohol, or wait until he gets home to begin his binge.

A man I thought would change.

I have gone through the circus of trying to find help, shelters, legal aid, etc to do things the 'right way' but I have no resources. Due to Katrina there are NO shelters available in Mississippi, Louisianna, or Alabama... I cannot get assistance from legal aid because we have not been separated for 6 months (I meet all the other guidelines, but this is the only road block).

I have contacted every family law attorney in the surrounding counties and they all have high consultation fees and are clear that with a contested divorce I would need no less than $3000 for a retainer fee. I had found 1 general law attorney that was willing to do the divorce uncontested for $600, but needed just as much as the others for a contested divorce. That is something that I just cannot do.

I had ran out of options and this was my last resort.

I cannot believe you people are responding in this way. I am amazed really.

 

[SaraJane]

He's desperate for us to stay, but not willing to seek help with his addiction. I've had empty promises for years from a man who showed up at the hospital for the birth of our son (scheduled C-section) plastered.

My children and I deserve better than this.

 

[CJane]

We're talking about a man who has been drunk every day that he's been home for over 8 years (only 4 of which I've been present for), a man who cannot leave the house without alchohol, or wait until he gets home to begin his binge.

So, he was an alcoholic before you married him? That accusation just lost any relevancy it might have had.

A man I thought would change.

Why?

I cannot believe you people are responding in this way. I am amazed really.

You're amazed that we're not willing to help you lie to your husband, cheat the system, break the law and violate his constitutional right to his child?

You're weird.

 

[SaraJane]

https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=331847


I can see where you're coming from. But please try to understand that I was not aware of his drinking problem until after we were together. I was 'foolishly blind' to the obvious.

Why did I think I could change him? I have never known an alchoholic or lived with one, and I believed his bull****.

I have done what I can to try to make things right.

The last thing that happened when I tried to do right was he took all my access from any funds that we had to make sure that I couldnt leave. In desperation I have done what I felt was necessary to get out of this house and home to the people that I can depend on.

 

[SaraJane]

Its funny, the first time I had posted I was told "take the kids' clothes and get out"...

 

[CJane]

Its funny, the first time I had posted I was told "take the kids' clothes and get out"...

By one person.

Besides, no one has said you can't or shouldn't go. Just be aware that it will be the beginning of your legal problems, not the end of them.

 

[SaraJane]

CJane, I understand this, and I have tried desperately to get consultation and I have been left with nothing. I came here because I dont know what else to do.

I was told by a lawyer when I called to see if I could get help that Mississippi doesnt honor separations, I have found information online about separation agreements, but of all the lawyers I have called that idea has been shot down.

Im terrified of what could happen, I doubt that he would try to take custody because he would have to quit his job to do so, but I know that it is a possibility. And being that I cant afford a divorce now, I know that I cannot and will not be able to find the finances to deal with that later.


I have grounds for divorce, he will not go with it. I have plenty of good reasons to leave, and yes I've mislead him. I did not make a promise, I did not make a guarantee, I simply told him there was a possibility... when I know that there's not.

 

[nextwife]

We're talking about a man who has been drunk every day that he's been home for over 8 years (only 4 of which I've been present for), a man who cannot leave the house without alchohol, or wait until he gets home to begin his binge.

A man I thought would change.

I have gone through the circus of trying to find help, shelters, legal aid, etc to do things the 'right way' but I have no resources. Due to Katrina there are NO shelters available in Mississippi, Louisianna, or Alabama... I cannot get assistance from legal aid because we have not been separated for 6 months (I meet all the other guidelines, but this is the only road block).

I have contacted every family law attorney in the surrounding counties and they all have high consultation fees and are clear that with a contested divorce I would need no less than $3000 for a retainer fee. I had found 1 general law attorney that was willing to do the divorce uncontested for $600, but needed just as much as the others for a contested divorce. That is something that I just cannot do.

I had ran out of options and this was my last resort.

I cannot believe you people are responding in this way. I am amazed really.

Ok, he's ALWAYS been a drnk. You knew, yet stayed AND had not one, buy MORE than one child with the man.

So now you want out of the marriage. FINE, leave the marriage. That does NOT mean you ahev to force the children to leave the father YOU chose for them. It is YOU and their dad who are both responsible for the kids you both chose to make. Adults can and do live apart from their ex-spouses without moving home to mommy and daddy.

Their dad IS their family- far more than YOUR parents. YOU chose him, you continued to have babys with him, you are free to divorce him. That does NOT translate into free to remove them from access to their dad.