Please, I need advice on a separation situation.

[SaraJane]

Him and I only have 1 child together, thank you.

And Im not moving home to mommy and daddy, my dad is deceased. I have a child in Michigan who is currently living with his father... and him, as well as my mother, are the family I am going home to. I have no family here, we are in a small town, with no jobs, and no future for me... whether I move out of state or not the distance is going to be large, because I would have to move several hours away anyhow just to obtain employment. Fortunately I have the ability to return to my previous job in Michigan, this too is a factor in why I am going home.

Living apart, regardless to where I am will not remove access to their father. The child is entitled to the love an affection of both parents and for his sake that is something that will NEVER be taken away from him by either of us.

 

[SaraJane]

My husband was able to make the choice to continue with his habits despite the warnings, threats, and pleads... I am now making a choice to leave. He had a chance, I gave him more than what I thought I could.

I am not going to be a victim any longer, and neither are my children.

 

[CJane]

My husband was able to make the choice to continue with his habits despite the warnings, threats, and pleads... I am now making a choice to leave. He had a chance, I gave him more than what I thought I could.

I am not going to be a victim any longer, and neither are my children.

What you don't seem to understand is that nothing that you have posted is relevant to your situation.

You can leave. You can take the child. You can go to Michigan and establish residency and file for divorce up there when you're 'on your feet'. And then you can be prepared to finance all of the child's travel to see his father for the next 18 years. And you can be prepared to send that child on extended vacations to Mississippi with his drunkard of a father with no ability to control his actions while he has the child, including who the child is left with or whether dad drinks around the child. In the meantime, you're teaching your children that it's ok to lie as long as it's serving your purposes.

Or, you could stay and learn to cope with his illness and go about things the right way.

It really is up to you. Just be prepared to face the rather unpleasant consequences.

 

[MomTryin2Improv]

my dad is diseased

Or deceased???

 

[LdiJ]

I am going to disagree with the others. I think that you are doing the right thing. You and your child need out, and away, and if this is the only way that you can make it happen, then you do what you need to do.

In general this board is very anti moveaways....which is only right. Many parents move or attempt to move their children away for nothing more than selfish reasons. However, yours isn't one of those cases.

However its also true that what you are doing has risks. So you need to understand those risks. The two biggest are that he will decide to file in his state before you have lived in MI for six months...and might be able to get the judge to order that you return the child to his state. Its not guaranteed...but it could happen.

The other risk is that he might refuse to return the child after a period of visitation.

 

[Zephyr]

I am going to disagree with the others. I think that you are doing the right thing. You and your child need out, and away, and if this is the only way that you can make it happen, then you do what you need to do.

In general this board is very anti moveaways....which is only right. Many parents move or attempt to move their children away for nothing more than selfish reasons. However, yours isn't one of those cases.

However its also true that what you are doing has risks. So you need to understand those risks. The two biggest are that he will decide to file in his state before you have lived in MI for six months...and might be able to get the judge to order that you return the child to his state. Its not guaranteed...but it could happen.

The other risk is that he might refuse to return the child after a period of visitation.

I was thinking the same thing but couldn't figure out how to word my thoughts properly--- if OP can get through the residency requirement without dad filing she is in a much more advantagous position than she would be with any other options......but there is that period of time where it's very risky.....so technically if OP has convinced dad not to file.....that's just good strategy....lawyers screw the heck out of people who don't understand the "ropes" every single day....this isn't much different

 

[CJane]

I would agree with you both if OP had indicated that Dad was an abusive drunk, or if he were home all the time. She posted that he's on an offshore rig for 3-4 weeks at a time, and only home for 3 days, and she hasn't posted that he's anything but drunk during those times. Being drunk 3 days a month does not an alcoholic make.

That's not a RUN AWAY NOW situation to me.

 

[Zephyr]

I would agree with you both if OP had indicated that Dad was an abusive drunk, or if he were home all the time. She posted that he's on an offshore rig for 3-4 weeks at a time, and only home for 3 days, and she hasn't posted that he's anything but drunk during those times. Being drunk 3 days a month does not an alcoholic make.

That's not a RUN AWAY NOW situation to me.

but if dad's job is such that he can only come home sporadically- and they do have to fly home- what is the difference if he flew to MI or home??? for him to be home that sporadically- I don't think a judge would force her to remain in the area- there is no obvious benefit to the children- drinking issues totally aside....

 

[CJane]

but if dad's job is such that he can only come home sporadically- and they do have to fly home- what is the difference if he flew to MI or home??? for him to be home that sporadically- I don't think a judge would force her to remain in the area- there is no obvious benefit to the children- drinking issues totally aside....

I agree. But in the absence of a take the children and run scenario (due to abuse or whatever), wouldn't it make more sense if mom stayed where she is and got a job - no matter how menial it is, or if she has to squirrel away grocery money, or apply the money borrowed from the friend for the apartment... and wait until she can file for divorce/custody AND permission to leave the state rather than risk being ordered to return because she took off?

I really do think that OP also needs to consider the fact that Dad WILL receive visitation and she will have NO CONTROL over him, the child, or his actions/behaviors during those times. She's got more control NOW than she will later. That should be a HUGE consideration when planning to go to the other end of the country.

 

[SaraJane]

I would agree with you both if OP had indicated that Dad was an abusive drunk, or if he were home all the time. She posted that he's on an offshore rig for 3-4 weeks at a time, and only home for 3 days, and she hasn't posted that he's anything but drunk during those times. Being drunk 3 days a month does not an alcoholic make.

That's not a RUN AWAY NOW situation to me.

The schedule has not always been this way, and is actually temporary, as it has been approximately 3 months now that he has been home so little, but the drinking occurs whether he is home or not.

He had taken a new position and has been in extensive training over the past few months, and is expected to be completed by October.

His typical schedule is 14 days out, 14 days in.

Currently he is spending a lot of time in hotels in Texas, Louisianna, as well as Mississippi. The amount of money he has spent on alchohol over this time period is extremely excessive. I deal with phone calls at all hours of the night when he's in his drunken stupors and God only knows what he could be doing to endanger himself or others when he is out of town.

When he is on the oil rig, it is the only time that he stays and remains sober, and the only time that him and I can be civil with one another, communicate effectively, and really the only time that I have ever felt that he has given a damn about me, or the children.

I was not here to bash my husband, or make him look like a monster... I was simply looking for answers that I needed. I love my husband despite our differences and his flaws, but I have been dying here far to long and my children are suffering because of it, and we need to go.

I cannot believe that he has maintained his job with his habits, as I know how it must be so obvious to the people he is training with that he is a drunk. I know for a fact that it doesnt matter how well groomed he is the scent of alchohol follows him around all day until he is able to go back to the hotel just to begin drinking again.

I cannot believe that he has not been arrested and charged with another DUI. In some senses I have hoped and waited that he would be caught, but it has not happened. He commutes from various ports sometimes as far as Texas, and at the first opportunity he has to get a drink, he does.

If there was a chance that he could kick this habit I would be all for staying with him and being a happy family, but I know that its not a possibility, I have tried and faught for that for far too long with no favorable outcome.

 

[SaraJane]

I really do think that OP also needs to consider the fact that Dad WILL receive visitation and she will have NO CONTROL over him, the child, or his actions/behaviors during those times. She's got more control NOW than she will later. That should be a HUGE consideration when planning to go to the other end of the country.

I do, and I have considered this greatly. Though it does worry me, quite a bit, I believe (and God knows I could be wrong, but I dont want to be) that once we're gone he might see what he's done and realize that he needs to change, not for our sake, but for his. And though I dont want to use our child as a tool against him, I believe that there is a good chance that this could work in his favor and that he would not be so foolish as to be that irresponsible when he does have the opportunity to excerise his parenting time.

I also have faith in what little family he has here. Enough that I know that they would not let something bad happen to the child while he is in his care.

Because of his work schedule we would arrange visitation in periods of 5-10 days at a time, for as long as we can. The only exception is Christmas. I have agreed that on the Christmas holiday he would have visitation of our child for the entire duration that his mother would be in Mississippi visiting, and if that amount of time overlaps his time home her and I would work out the transportation matter. If she does not come for the holiday we would stick to the 5-10 days.

Our child is about 15 months old now, and because there is no school that allows us plenty of time to work with so that he can have a fair amount of time with our child. When school begins (in a few years) visitation will be more complicated due to having to match time off from school with his time off from work. (Provided he can continue his job for that long)

He has also considered putting in for an overseas position once his training is complete (28 days off, 28 days on) in which they would fly him from anywhere in the US to his work location, at which time he would possibly relocate to Michigan as well.




I hope that clarifies things a little bit more.

I have also found more information regarding "Separation Agreements", and though it is the information that I need, I highly doubt that it is something that he would sign or go along with because its basically a divorce. And he still wants to hold on to the hope that he can have me back. So getting him to sign something that reads....

As a result of disputes and serious differences, we have separated and are now living apart and intend to continue to remain permanently apart.

We both desire to settle by agreement all of our marital affairs, including the division of all of our property and bills, spousal support or maintenance, and all issues relating to our children, including custody, visitation, and child support.

Is not going to be an option, irregardless as to how detailed (and in his favor) the visitation and support guidelines are.

 

[rmabry200]

well I speak from experience my father is a drunk. You should leave before something happens.My mother and father were seperated and in the process of a divorce and he kidnapped me while at the sitter and there was nothing my mom could do because the was no court order he finally took me to my grandmother where she kept me he also contest the divorce he made an agreement with mom that if she didnt turn him over for not paying childsupport he would not try to see me. which finally I became old enough to make my own choice and who really wants to see a grown man that stays drunk and calls you all hours of the night to wish you a happy birthday a month after

 

[MrsK]

Its great for you to assume the worst about me, I appreciate your ignorance.

If you would take time to evaluate the situation, perhaps you would have more opportunity to understand the reasonings.


My children and I are in an unfortunate situation that we MUST get out of. My intent is not to hurt my husband, but to save ourselves. Was your father, or mother, an alchoholic? Do you know of our situation first hand?

I believe Im doing what's best to protect myself and my children at this point, and their continued safety is now my concern.

You've admitted you are a liar.

Just because you are in a 'bad' situation doesnt make it right.

 

[ceara19]

You've admitted you are a liar.

Just because you are in a 'bad' situation doesnt make it right.

It also tends to make one wonder what else she may be lying about.

OP - you stated in your other post that there was another child. What does that child's father think about you moving HIS child?

 

[SaraJane]

OP - you stated in your other post that there was another child. What does that child's father think about you moving HIS child?

My oldest son's father resides in Michigan. He has been in prison for most of his childhood, and while he's apparently working on getting his life back together (and paying support for the first time in 11 years) the only interest he has shown in his son is requesting to have his rights removed. So, he is currently not a factor in this.


Also, I had actually only come back to post an update... After hours of discussing the matter of a seperation agreement, I believe that it is a possible option at this time. At first he was completely irate and very hostile about the idea (which concerned me even more). But the more I explained the reasonings, and after he had time to cool down, he has made an attempt to see things from my perspective.

I purchased the forms online, and have filled them out and have been sending the information to my husband for the past few hours, and we're working on the details now. Whether or not its something that he's going to go with (considering that it is basically a divorce) he understands my reasons for wanting this, and the benefits (for both of us) to do this.

I've expressed concern that he could be plotting with his family to try to remove the child from my posession as soon as I leave... and though he swears that this is not something he would do, I've expressed that there are other factors as to why it would be in OUR best interest to follow through with it.

It will put a child support order in place, prevent either of us from incurring debt that may be detrimental to the other, protect his visitation rights, etc.

So provided we can work to make all parts of the agreement fair to both of us, I may have the answer that I was seeking when I initially came here for advice.


-------

I do not feel obligated to explain my reasonings for my deceit, it was a choice that I made, and while you may or may not understand (or agree), I do not feel that my actions have been wrong considering the situation that we are currently in and the circumstances involved. Sometimes people have to lie, whether or not it be to protect someone's feelings, or to protect themselves. In this case it is both.

I have been faced with a lot of hardships in life that I have been able to overcome, this is just one more bump along my journey and I intend to do my best with every decision I make to ensure that my children are loved, cared for, and treated the way that they should be. My actions towards my husband are not for my benefit, or for his, but primarily for theirs. It would be detrimental to let a situation arise where there could be hostilities that my children would have to participate in, and I am doing what I need to do to avoid that.

I have put much time and effort into resolving our sitation in other ways, and I had failed at obtaining a positive outcome. Leaving a marriage is not an easy thing to do, it is not the right thing to do... but for the situation that we are in it is the BEST thing to do.

I do appreciate the advice from those of you who were able to look past that.

For those of you who insist to label me and assume that I am a bad person, I thank you for your opinions and I wish you well with your endevours and hardships. I sincerely hope that when and if a time comes that you are faced with a prediciment such as the one that I am in, that people will not attack you like you have me when you make decisions that others do not agree with.

Also, even though mean words have been spoken... my spirits have not been dampened, my hope has not been lost, and I know that I will endure this battle and overcome the obsticles to find a better, safer, and happier place for my children and myself.

Thank you.

SJ