Pregnant from affair - paternity/custody questions

[CH1990]

Yes, we were living together at the time of conception. We aren't living together currently and there are no plans to be living together at the time of birth.

I've read on several sites that California will not allow us to finalize the divorce until after the babies are born, even if we've passed the 6th month mark at that time.

 

[zddoodah]

I've read on several sites that California will not allow us to finalize the divorce until after the babies are born, even if we've passed the 6th month mark at that time.

The petitioner and respondent are supposed to identify all children of the marriage in their petition/response. One of the many things your attorney can advise you about is how to deal with that in this case where a child is unborn and it is unknown if the unborn child is or isn't a child of the marriage. The court will either decline to finalize the divorce or may bifurcate (split into two parts) the case and reserve issues relating to the unborn child.

 

[Ohiogal]

So as punishment to me for what I've done, my children deserve to not have a mother. Luckily, there is no legal reason why that would ever happen.

I know what I've done is wrong, but I don't think it makes me a terrible, unredeemable person overall. You don't even know anything about my husband or his character, how good of a father he'd be, etc. But truthfully, he will be a great father and sometimes I hope that he is their father.

Your husband getting custody doesn't mean they don't have a mother. It means you get to visit. Such as what you did with your marriage.

 

[CH1990]

Your husband getting custody doesn't mean they don't have a mother. It means you get to visit. Such as what you did with your marriage.

Since my husband is most likely not the father, it probably won't happen anyway. But I do plan to discuss with him what he would like to happen should this end up being the case.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Since my husband is most likely not the father, it probably won't happen anyway. But I do plan to discuss with him what he would like to happen should this end up being the case.

Whoever the father is, he could successfully petition for full custody.

You come across as very immature and selfish.

 

[CH1990]

Whoever the father is, he could successfully petition for full custody.

You come across as very immature and selfish.

Immature and selfish? Having a relationship with a married man was selfish and wrong. But I think my husband and I are both handling things moving forward as best we can. I want talk to him about how he envisions the future should he be the babies' father. In no way do I plan to try to keep him (or the other man, who is most likely the father) from seeing his children or splitting time 50/50. I would hope for the sake of the children he would feel the same. Since we live in a no-fault state, adultery doesn't factor into the allocation of money and assets with the divorce. Adultery also doesn't legally factor into child custody. There is no legal reason why I can ever imagine a judge awarding my children's father, no matter who he is, FULL custody.

 

[paddywakk]

Immature and selfish? Having a relationship with a married man was selfish and wrong. But I think my husband and I are both handling things moving forward as best we can. I want talk to him about how he envisions the future should he be the babies' father. In no way do I plan to try to keep him (or the other man, who is most likely the father) from seeing his children or splitting time 50/50. I would hope for the sake of the children he would feel the same. Since we live in a no-fault state, adultery doesn't factor into the allocation of money and assets with the divorce. Adultery also doesn't legally factor into child custody. There is no legal reason why I can ever imagine a judge awarding my children's father, no matter who he is, FULL custody.

Just to throw a monkey wrench into the works, there's always the possibility, however slight, that the children will be fraternal twins and the spouse will be the father of one and the lover the father of the other

 

[not2cleverRed]

Immature and selfish? Having a relationship with a married man was selfish and wrong. But I think my husband and I are both handling things moving forward as best we can. I want talk to him about how he envisions the future should he be the babies' father. In no way do I plan to try to keep him (or the other man, who is most likely the father) from seeing his children or splitting time 50/50. I would hope for the sake of the children he would feel the same. Since we live in a no-fault state, adultery doesn't factor into the allocation of money and assets with the divorce. Adultery also doesn't legally factor into child custody. There is no legal reason why I can ever imagine a judge awarding my children's father, no matter who he is, FULL custody.

That's because you are immature and selfish.

Child custody is supposed to be based on the best interests of the child. Given your posts here, I suspect that you will continue to do things that are immature and selfish. The father(s) (thanks for the reminder of that possibility, @paddywakk ) could argue that you are unstable and a danger to your child(ren).

 

[CH1990]

Just to throw a monkey wrench into the works, there's always the possibility, however slight, that the children will be fraternal twins and the spouse will be the father of one and the lover the father of the other

I know that this does actually happen, but it's so rare. I'm not even considering this as a realistic possibility right now. It would just be too crazy.

 

[CH1990]

That's because you are immature and selfish.

Child custody is supposed to be based on the best interests of the child. Given your posts here, I suspect that you will continue to do things that are immature and selfish. The father(s) (thanks for the reminder of that possibility, @paddywakk ) could argue that you are unstable and a danger to your child(ren).

I don't have a history of doing things like this and I'm doing my best to make better decisions moving forward. I'm educated, have a full time job with a good salary (granted, my finances will take a major hit with the divorce). I have no criminal history, no drug use, no history of abuse, etc. I've also recently started seeing a therapist to deal with the personal reasons as to why I chose to have an affair instead of dealing with my failing marriage in a healthy way. I don't think judges are in the habit of granting full custody to one parent unless there is a very strong case. There will not be a very strong case for that here, I assure you.

 

[Lookforward]

I really just meant to tell him that he didn't have to feel any obligation toward me and that his first obligations are to his wife and daughter,

Well, that relationship is unfortunately ruined. You are now pregnant so he has an obligation towards your kids as well. Take care of yourself for now and don't stress out what's done is done. Not a damn thing you can change, cool your head think about your twins, and think about how you can make their lives better.

Once the dust settles you most probably will start thinking clearly.

PS this is a great message board with lots of people giving really good advice, keep this channel open. The issue is there might be some people here who were cheated upon so you kinda like opened those old wounds.

Another good venue is to seek a therapist or a counselor just to talk to.

 

[Just Blue]

Well, that relationship is unfortunately ruined. You are now pregnant so he has an obligation towards your kids as well. Take care of yourself for now and don't stress out what's done is done. Not a damn thing you can change, cool your head think about your twins, and think about how you can make their lives better.

Once the dust settles you most probably will start thinking clearly.

PS this is a great message board with lots of people giving really good advice, keep this channel open. The issue is there might be some people here who were cheated upon so you kinda like opened those old wounds.

Another good venue is to seek a therapist or a counselor just to talk to.

I, for one, didn't give a rat's behind when my ex cheated on me. We were pretty well done at that time and I just didn't care. I actually warned his girlfriend about him but she didn't believe me. She is now going through the same crap he put me through...which is rather sad because she is a nice woman that truly cares about him. When she called me to talk about it I told her you can't change him...he's a richard and will always be a richard.


And yes...I realize how odd it is to have a heart to heart with "the other woman".

 

[stealth2]

There is no legal reason why I can ever imagine a judge awarding my children's father, no matter who he is, FULL custody.

Nor have you indicated any reason for a judge to award *you* Full Custody. Joint (Physical) Custody does not automatically mean a 50/50 time split. Nor does 50/50 automatically mean week on/week off or 5/2/2/5 or any other time split that equals 50/50. A judge will award what s/he deems to be in the child(ren)'s best interests.

As I stated before, you have sadly chosen to have at least one of the three children to have "less than". Generally speaking, most of us go into parenthood with the expectation that our child(ren) will have two involved parents, married or not. I know I did. But life doesn't always work the way we expect it to.

 

[Lookforward]

I, for one, didn't give a rat's behind when my ex cheated on me. We were pretty well done at that time and I just didn't care. I actually warned his girlfriend about him but she didn't believe me. She is now going through the same crap he put me through...which is rather sad because she is a nice woman that truly cares about him. When she called me to talk about it I told her you can't change him...he's a richard and will always be a richard.


And yes...I realize how odd it is to have a heart to heart with "the other woman".

Yes but its still tough, its a violation of trust. Not sure what motivates people to cheat especially when kids are involved.

Good you are out, you need to break that cycle, you don't want your children to follow in the same footsteps of their dad.

 

[Just Blue]

Yes but its still tough, its a violation of trust. Not sure what motivates people to cheat especially when kids are involved.

Good you are out, you need to break that cycle, you don't want your children to follow in the same footsteps of their dad.

He violated my trust way before the cheating.