problem with hubby's ex

[Skooter95]

QUOTE "Here's my advice to you to keep from going broke. Get a job that pays a whole lot of money. You are the one who decided to bring another child into the world by a man who already has two children he apparently loves and wants to see but is having a difficult time providing for (apparently). Second piece of advice: Practice birth control until you and he together can provide for four children entirely and independently of the other parent, who could die tomorrow. " END QUOTE


hmmbrdzz



What kind of advise is that to give to someone? Obviously she has a legitimate question regarding the amount of child support her husband is having to pay. If they are keeping the children the same amount of time, then the amount of child support should be reduced. She is also raising these children and supporting them the other half of the year. Not to mention that she has every right to have a child with the man she loves and who are you to tell her she can't. This forum is supposed to be about legal advice, not your own opinions on telling her to practive birth control. She didn't say she couldn't afford the four children but i'm sure it would make it a lot easier if he wasn't having to fork over half his paycheck to the ex every month when they appear to have almost the same amount of time with the children. The main thing here is to do what's best for the children and keep their best interests in mind.

 

[hmmbrdzz]

QUOTE "Here's my advice to you to keep from going broke. Get a job that pays a whole lot of money. You are the one who decided to bring another child into the world by a man who already has two children he apparently loves and wants to see but is having a difficult time providing for (apparently). Second piece of advice: Practice birth control until you and he together can provide for four children entirely and independently of the other parent, who could die tomorrow. " END QUOTE


hmmbrdzz



What kind of advise is that to give to someone? Obviously she has a legitimate question regarding the amount of child support her husband is having to pay. If they are keeping the children the same amount of time, then the amount of child support should be reduced. She is also raising these children and supporting them the other half of the year. Not to mention that she has every right to have a child with the man she loves and who are you to tell her she can't. This forum is supposed to be about legal advice, not your own opinions on telling her to practive birth control. She didn't say she couldn't afford the four children but i'm sure it would make it a lot easier if he wasn't having to fork over half his paycheck to the ex every month when they appear to have almost the same amount of time with the children. The main thing here is to do what's best for the children and keep their best interests in mind.

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What do you mean "what kind of advice is that to give someone"? So you think the main thing here is to do what's "best fot the children and keep their interests in mind", (yet you're going to argue my advice when a step-parent here is attempting to reduce child support to one set of children from $610.00 to 150.00). OK.



hmmbrdzz

 

[Skooter95]

Yes I do think that child support is TOO HIGH on about 90% of the cases I've heard. People are misusing this and ex's tend to try and get as much out of the other one as they can and I can guarantee that they aren't thinking about the child's best interest when it comes to support money.
I don't know all the facts on her situation, but it sounds like the children are taken care of and they would probably be taken care of a lot more if the ex husband didn't have to send half his check to his ex wife. I'm sure they could use that money to buy clothes for the children, food etc when the kids are with them. Especially since they have them as much as they do.
Sorry if you don't like my comments but they are my opinions.

 

[djohnson]

You blast someone else for their opinion because it's not legal then post your own opinion. Obviously in this post, legal advice has been given and because its not the answer the OP was looking for (imagine that). It's not right. The child support order is new and obviously the judge had a reason to order it. Because that amount may seem high to you it may not to others. Some would love to just be paying that a month. It's too soon to want to modify. I still think its funny she thinks his two kids are worth 150.00 and her one is worth 460.00.

the thought processes of some people.......

 

[julbug66]

i never said my child is "worth" 460. but when he has his kids HERE MORE then they are THERE, dont you think that MAYBE that extra $460 could be used HERE? 150 in CS and 250 in SS should be enough for her, and if not, she could always try working more than 24 hours a week. she's not even paying her rent?! what she has done with over $2000 in the past 3 months is yet to be known, and she's about to be evicted. since the kids are probably going to be here ALL THE TIME (instead of just 60% of it)after that happens, do you still think he should be paying her $621 for them?!

 

[stealth2]

That would be a significant change of circumstance from what was in Novemnber, so you could file for a modification.

 

[tammy8]

To hmmmm, good gosh I respect most of what you say on here but your posts are totally off base! What the orginal poster is speaking of it HAVING THE CHILDREN MORE THAN BM AND STILL HAVING TO PAY MAJOR CS. Now to some that amount may not seem big but when you are paying it PLUS raising the children more than the bm, it means groceries or power bills!

To the orginal poster, I am right there with you (last yr my 3 stepkids were in our home 203 days, the yrs before 178 and the yr before that 125). Forunately cs dropped for my husband by 1/3 which is still too much as the kids are in our house now 5 days a week. Just keep documenting and praying for Nov to get here soon. Also as hard as this is (and has never happened in our home!) have your husband tell his ex he will not have the kids more often then the court order and if it is a babysitter thing (as in our case) too bad she needs to hire one instead of using you guys as a built in sitter!!!!!! Again my husband has said it over and over that he is going to do that but then when he hears the voices of any of his kids, he becomes putty!!!! Good luck and you are not alone!

 

[PoohBear8]

i think i understand the point you are trying to make and get advice on...tell me if i'm wrong...
your hubby's support was figured by calculating that he only had his children 78 days/year, when actually he has them 200+ days / year...is this correct?
also, you want the appropriate credit for a new child not of the current support order?
if this is what you mean, yes, it sounds like the cs was figured incorrectly...the only hitch i can think of is...what does the custody order say...that he is to have them 78 days? if so, document the additional time and have the custody order modified to joint, then file for a cs modification.
if your new baby was not taken in to consideration when the cs order was set, then you can probably get the reduction for that, but you might have to file again later after you prove that you and your hubby have the children more than the custody order states.
hope i understood correctly, and made sense.
it seems to me that what you want modified is justly due.
good luck!!!

 

[hmmbrdzz]

To hmmmm, good gosh I respect most of what you say on here but your posts are totally off base! What the orginal poster is speaking of it HAVING THE CHILDREN MORE THAN BM AND STILL HAVING TO PAY MAJOR CS. Now to some that amount may not seem big but when you are paying it PLUS raising the children more than the bm, it means groceries or power bills!

To the orginal poster, I am right there with you (last yr my 3 stepkids were in our home 203 days, the yrs before 178 and the yr before that 125). Forunately cs dropped for my husband by 1/3 which is still too much as the kids are in our house now 5 days a week. Just keep documenting and praying for Nov to get here soon. Also as hard as this is (and has never happened in our home!) have your husband tell his ex he will not have the kids more often then the court order and if it is a babysitter thing (as in our case) too bad she needs to hire one instead of using you guys as a built in sitter!!!!!! Again my husband has said it over and over that he is going to do that but then when he hears the voices of any of his kids, he becomes putty!!!! Good luck and you are not alone!

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My response: I'm not totally off base with what I've said here regarding this poster's situation. Not at all. It might not sound too friendly, but that doesn't mean it's not an accurate
assessment of the picture (or at least part of the picture, or perhaps the entire picture). What gives your opinion and/or advice on this particular thread anymore credence than mine on this particular thread? Yours is just another opinion from a different perspective.


hmmbrdzz

 

[julbug66]

>>Also as hard as this is (and has never happened in our home!) have your husband tell his ex he will not have the kids more often then the court order and if it is a babysitter thing (as in our case) too bad she needs to hire one instead of using you guys as a built in sitter!!!!!! Again my husband has said it over and over that he is going to do that but then when he hears the voices of any of his kids, he becomes putty!!!! <<

same here. his kids have begged us not to follow the court order because, as his 10 yr old daughter put it ,"it's not fair that some judge who doesnt even know us can do this". i used to try being the "hard" one and trying to get him to just say NO to his ex for just one week. however, since my husband's stance on that part of the issue is "i want to see my children as much as i can. keeping them over there isn't fair to them or me"... i don't bother him about that.
it's not even the time issue that bugs me, it's the money issue. why should we pay her (i say we because we are married and it is our money at this point) the majority of the support and still have major physical custody?
there's a sentence in the court order that says "Unless parties agree otherwise, Father shall have the children as follows: Every other Friday 6 pm to Sunday 6pm..." it's OBVIOUS that the parties "agree otherwise", he's not wrenching his children away from her every wednesday afternoon. in fact, she starts calling him around lunchtime every wednesday asking when he's going to be there because she "has plans". if he gets there past 5, she's out in the front yard yelling at him. every single week he goes through this. and he should be paying her 621 a month for this?!

 

[hmmbrdzz]

>>Also as hard as this is (and has never happened in our home!) have your husband tell his ex he will not have the kids more often then the court order and if it is a babysitter thing (as in our case) too bad she needs to hire one instead of using you guys as a built in sitter!!!!!! Again my husband has said it over and over that he is going to do that but then when he hears the voices of any of his kids, he becomes putty!!!! <<
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**A: My response: What is this suggestion supposed to accomplish: "have your husband tell his ex he will not have the kids more often than the court order".

And what does this next sentence mean in the context of what you just said: "when he hears the voices of any of his kids, he becomes putty" .

Does this mean your husband has just "disobeyed your order about his children" and that you have a bone to pick with him on account of his "puttiness"? Is this a trait you like or dislike about him with respect to his children (your step children)?

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same here. his kids have begged us not to follow the court order because, as his 10 yr old daughter put it ,"it's not fair that some judge who doesnt even know us can do this". i used to try being the "hard" one and trying to get him to just say NO to his ex for just one week. however, since my husband's stance on that part of the issue is "i want to see my children as much as i can. keeping them over there isn't fair to them or me"... i don't bother him about that.

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**A: My response: Bingo. Just like I said in the beginning. Your husband wants to see his children as much as he can. Even his children want to see him as much as he can. You admit now to "being the hard one", trying to get him to say no for "just one week". Why just one week? Perhaps to save money? How much money would you have saved in just one week had your husband agreed to not see his kids for just one week?

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it's not even the time issue that bugs me, it's the money issue.

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**A: My response: Oh really? Well, you're going to have a hard time convincing at least one poster that it's not a "time with the children" issue as well as a money issue. That's the point I made in my first post.

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why should we pay her (i say we because we are married and it is our money at this point) the majority of the support and still have major physical custody?

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**A: You should pay her because she is the mother and is also contributing to their children. Besides, both you and your husband know that she can't hold a job and is getting ready to be evicted. Why wouldn't you pay everything you could to help his children (your step children) and/or keep them as much as you can in this unfortunate situation. In fact, since the real mother is so destitute, why not encourage your husband to take on full custody (without the courts) until the real mother is able to get herself together? Sounds like the real mother would be in full agreement. Besides, you've got the money (apparently).

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there's a sentence in the court order that says "Unless parties agree otherwise, Father shall have the children as follows: Every other Friday 6 pm to Sunday 6pm..." it's OBVIOUS that the parties "agree otherwise", he's not wrenching his children away from her every wednesday afternoon. in fact, she starts calling him around lunchtime every wednesday asking when he's going to be there because she "has plans". if he gets there past 5, she's out in the front yard yelling at him. every single week he goes through this. and he should be paying her 621 a month for this?!

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**A: My response: Since you have made no mention of your husband raising sand about this situation, it seems to me your husband is "the rock", doing his best and sacraficing in a bad situation for his children. What are you doing to help smooth this situation out other depending on the courts?

Solution again: If you didn't have a plan to begin with, the only solution is MONEY (or be willing to sacrafice everything you have). When you don't have money and/or are not willing to sacrafice for the kids, you, the adult (step mothers in this case) agree to be the cause of children who are being subjected to your poor planning AND your inability to now sacrafice without arguing. If you don't like that your husband can't do for you ALL that you would like him to do on account of his children and your children, then get a good paying job and do it yourself AND contribute to his children and your children. This "our money" stuff works both ways when "we" have children. Think of what money would do. It would buy daycare and good babysitters so you and your husband could work AND spend time alone, it would buy all the rent, all the food, all the gas, all the recreation for everyone, all the fad clothes and fad footwear, all the christmas for all kids AND you, all needed healthcare, all educational expenses, etc. There would be no need for the court room, huh? And with money, the children wouldn't have to be subjected to all this arguing about money.

Let's see..... run that by me again. Four children costs what?
Oh..... you probably need a combined income of at least $80,000.00 per year to just get by. A combined income of $100K would be better. Anyone there yet? Is this still the family law forum?


hmmbrdzz

 

[tammy8]

Hmmm are you a stepparent? or a bm?

I would say in most of the cases of stepparents out here, we (and saying this because MY money is also spent on the stepkids) not only pay cs, we also pay for all school functions--field trips, lunches, books, we purchase ALL clothes and shoes, pay for all doctor and dental visits on top of providing health insurance (at a cost of $125 a week). Is this bm contributing? Not in our case. She is too busy with her social life.

Also you mentioned trying to retain full physical custody. I suppose you have never sat in a court room have you? Well my husband did for 3 yrs. It is incredible the Dads out there who would love full custody of their children (evidence in the fact that so many Dad's pay mega child support and still have their children more than the bm does). However I don't know one single case where a bm would "give up" the child support checks.

I know this is a legal forum however this is a very touchy subject with many of us stepparents who are always looking in from the outside and have very little control over our lives. I see money that I could use to pay off my debt, purchase myself and my husband needed clothing with, be able to live the American Dream of purchasing my own home with go to a bm that has her kids 2 days a week at best and on those 2 days usually shows up at our house to have the kids "get clothes" because she provides none.

Finally I image a nurse such as you think nothing of $621 a month. Most of us out here are not making nearly as much as the medical field does. $621 means groceries or bills to most of us. It does in our home.

 

[djohnson]

To the OP:

If it's just a money issue and not a time issue then I think a very important thing would be how much more money than just the CS are you putting in to the kids? Who is buying the school clothes? Shoes? Books? Field Trips? pencils? notebooks? underwear? medical expenses? etc?

Some people out there think it's a time issue and not a money issue. They are paying the child support and having the children 100% of the time just to keep the other BP happy and keep from dragging the kids through court. Everyone may not can afford it but has sure made things a lot easier for me as a SM to 1 and BM of 2. It's a package deal and you should have known what you were getting into when you married him.

So many people just jump into marriage with out understanding completely what their roles is going to be and problems that they will face.

 

[hmmbrdzz]

Hmmm are you a stepparent? or a bm?

I would say in most of the cases of stepparents out here, we (and saying this because MY money is also spent on the stepkids) not only pay cs, we also pay for all school functions--field trips, lunches, books, we purchase ALL clothes and shoes, pay for all doctor and dental visits on top of providing health insurance (at a cost of $125 a week). Is this bm contributing? Not in our case. She is too busy with her social life.

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**A: My response: I don't know what the mother is contributing, but it sounds like (if she is facing eviction) is not very able to contribute to the financial upkeep of these children. That doesn't necessarily coincide with an inability to emotionally care for them (although a lot of times it does). Point being -- we've got a step mother here who is aware of the bio mom's inability to financially care for the children yet who maintains she and her husband are able to care for four children, full time. If that is the case (financially able), then why are the courts needed to reduce child support from 610. (or whatever it is) to 150.00? And if it's not the case, why not get a better paying job to help alleviate some of this "battle" problem?
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Also you mentioned trying to retain full physical custody. I suppose you have never sat in a court room have you? Well my husband did for 3 yrs. It is incredible the Dads out there who would love full custody of their children (evidence in the fact that so many Dad's pay mega child support and still have their children more than the bm does). However I don't know one single case where a bm would "give up" the child support checks.

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**A: My response: It's even more amazing the number of adults who don't realize the impact these issues have on children. Example here: OP who commented that "their lives" would be more peaceful if the mother died tomorrow. I fail to see how that could make things more peaceful for this poster's step children, and I find it an incredibly irresponsible statement, regardless of the merit, by the step mother.

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I know this is a legal forum however this is a very touchy subject with many of us stepparents who are always looking in from the outside and have very little control over our lives.

**A: Very little control? You are the only one who DOES have control over your life. That is the whole point.

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I see money that I could use to pay off my debt, purchase myself and my husband needed clothing with, be able to live the American Dream of purchasing my own home with go to a bm that has her kids 2 days a week at best and on those 2 days usually shows up at our house to have the kids "get clothes" because she provides none.

**A: That's where "sacrafice" comes into the picture. Ever heard of the Salvation Army in tough times? I have.


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Finally I image a nurse such as you think nothing of $621 a month. Most of us out here are not making nearly as much as the medical field does. $621 means groceries or bills to most of us. It does in our home.

**A: A "nurse such as me", huh? Well imagine 22 years ago a high school drop out, a totally lost cause, no skills, no nothing but the shirt on my back and a baby at my side with a husband who was just as irresponsible and strung out as me. I wanted a better life for me and my son, and I got it. My son lived soley with me while I kept pressing forward with a new life, barely making ends meet and who didn't have time for anything BUT my new life, which included living right, going to school, going to work, going to more school, going to more work FOR YEARS and raising my child while climbing the ladder of financial independence. I could have gone to courts and attempted to get child support or requested the father take our son on weekends or holidays or half the time. Why? For money when I was able to make ends meet? I didn't want to embark on a legal battle that would possibly ruin the chances of a healthy relationship between my son and his dad or my son and me. I didn't get child support for years, and then (when and if I did get it) it was when the dad could afford it and IF he wanted to pay it. Maybe that was the best he could do; maybe it wasn't; but it was good enough, and sometimes those sentiments go a long way.

It takes a willingness to change to impact positively on a child's life, and step children are very vulnerable to the messes going on between parents who are at odds. I realize that not all parents / step parents can avoid the court room when it comes to custody, support, etc. But it is my strong opinion that when the court room HAS to be the arbitrator, it's very important for adults to help the children THINK their parents are doing their best (even when sometimes they aren't). I don't see that in this poster. Maybe I've missed something, and I apologize if I have.


hmmbrdzz

 

[julbug66]

To the OP:

>>If it's just a money issue and not a time issue then I think a very important thing would be how much more money than just the CS are you putting in to the kids? Who is buying the school clothes? Shoes? Books? Field Trips? pencils? notebooks? underwear? medical expenses? etc?<<

Response: Us, us, us, us, us, us, us,us, and etc. she wont pay her part of any medical or travel expenses, she schedules doctor's appointments on our days, when there is a field trip she sends the permission slip home to us so we can sign it and pay for it. she's just like that.

>>Some people out there think it's a time issue and not a money issue. They are paying the child support and having the children 100% of the time just to keep the other BP happy and keep from dragging the kids through court. Everyone may not can afford it but has sure made things a lot easier for me as a SM to 1 and BM of 2. It's a package deal and you should have known what you were getting into when you married him. <<
no, it is not a time issue. but in a state where the amount of TIME you spend with your children DIRECTLY AFFECTS the amount of CS you are expected to pay, he is being screwed over. Period. and no matter what he does, the BM is still not happy. for almost 2 years he was paying her rent, her car insurance, her health insurance, and for a while there, her phone bill (long distance and all). and yet she wanted more. wouldnt let it go. why should she? she was getting everything she wanted. she got everything paid for and was able to have her social life. she has never worked full time, and since this court order, she's working about 12-18 hours a week. she's not destitute, she's just LAZY. its not that she CANT hold a job, she just WONT.

>>So many people just jump into marriage with out understanding completely what their roles is going to be and problems that they will face. << I agree, but as far as im concerned, my "role" is not to sit there and let this woman control our lives.