Rock & a hard place, help!!

[atompkins99]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

Hello to all. This is my first post here so I'll try to make it as informative as possible. My ex-wife and I were divorced a year ago this March. We have an 8 yr old son together. She (the ex) lives in a 1 bed. apartment in a pretty crappy part of town south of Los Angeles. I live in Huntington Beach in a 2 bed apartment. Our son stays with her monday through friday because he goes to school near her home. I get him from Friday night (when she drops him off) till sunday night (when I drop him back at his mother's). I pay $1000 a month in alimony and $0 on child support since the divorce we had drawn up (w/ a paralegal service) says 50/50 custody. We were married for 8 years so I'll be paying her for the next 3 years. Her boyfriend (a drug dealer) lives with her and my girlfriend lives with me. Ok, now that that's out of the way here's the story.

She is an admitted pot smoker among other things. I've noticed over the past year my son has been getting worse and worse in school. His teacher sends me daily updates on his progress and it is usually not good. He can't follow simple instructions, can't sit still, doesn't complete his homework and his schoolwork is really suffering. I have no doubt this is because his mother is either not looking over his assignments, or is not punishing him for his behavior (or both). I have asked her numerous times to allow him to live with me during the week and go to school out in my area because I can provide better guidance and a better home life for him. I make a considerable ammount more than she does, 100k but this is because she gets fired from almost every job she gets. Heck, I even put her through school while we were married. Her response to my proposition is always the same. "NO!" I try to reason with her but she just won't have it. My son litterally sleeps on the couch on a school night while her and her druggy boyfriend sleep in the bed. I am at my witts end here! I am ready to try to get my son full time through the courts but there are a couple of things that I need to know. Mainly if my efforts are going to do nothing but get her another $1000 a month (or more)for child support (which she'll blow on drugs and the like) when they see her/his living conditions? Because my plan is to make a claim with child services about her drug use. As much as I wan't her to do good in life and be happy (which has held me back from calling in the past) I cannot sit and watch my son turn into a delinquent. The other thing is my rotating shift schedule where I work nights and days intermittently. Will the courts view that as a negative? Because he will be well cared for by my mother who lives less than a mile away while I work. I am ready to proceed like I said, but I'd hate to open up a can of worms with the child support and lose everything i have so she can spend more of my money on pot/blow/etc. Don't get me wrong, I support my son. I pay for sports, med. insurance, clothes, food everything. by the way, I know this forum has an alimony section but this is more about custody than anything else. Help me please!!??

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

Hello to all. This is my first post here so I'll try to make it as informative as possible. My ex-wife and I were divorced a year ago this March. We have an 8 yr old son together. She (the ex) lives in a 1 bed. apartment in a pretty crappy part of town south of Los Angeles. I live in Huntington Beach in a 2 bed apartment.

Poverty is not a reason a judge can use to change primary custody.

Our son stays with her monday through friday because he goes to school near her home. I get him from Friday night (when she drops him off) till sunday night (when I drop him back at his mother's). I pay $1000 a month in alimony and $0 on child support since the divorce we had drawn up (w/ a paralegal service) says 50/50 custody.

You don't have a 50/50 timeshare. You should be paying child support. Even WITH a 50/50 timeshare with the income you state you have, and her lack of income, you should be paying child support.

We were married for 8 years so I'll be paying her for the next 3 years. Her boyfriend (a drug dealer) lives with her and my girlfriend lives with me. Ok, now that that's out of the way here's the story.

What is your hard evidence that her boyfriend is a drug dealer?

She is an admitted pot smoker among other things. I've noticed over the past year my son has been getting worse and worse in school. His teacher sends me daily updates on his progress and it is usually not good. He can't follow simple instructions, can't sit still, doesn't complete his homework and his schoolwork is really suffering. I have no doubt this is because his mother is either not looking over his assignments, or is not punishing him for his behavior (or both).

While mom might have some responsibility in his lack of performance in school, he also sounds like he might have ADHD. Not being able to follow instructions and not being able to sit still are somewhat classic signs.

I have asked her numerous times to allow him to live with me during the week and go to school out in my area because I can provide better guidance and a better home life for him. I make a considerable ammount more than she does, 100k but this is because she gets fired from almost every job she gets. Heck, I even put her through school while we were married. Her response to my proposition is always the same. "NO!" I try to reason with her but she just won't have it.

Don't you realize that NO parent would likely agree to that?

My son litterally sleeps on the couch on a school night while her and her druggy boyfriend sleep in the bed. I am at my witts end here!

I wouldn't be happy about that either but again, its not illegal to be poor.

I am ready to try to get my son full time through the courts but there are a couple of things that I need to know. Mainly if my efforts are going to do nothing but get her another $1000 a month (or more)for child support (which she'll blow on drugs and the like) when they see her/his living conditions?

If you lose your bid for primary custody its almost a given that you will end up having to pay child support. Also, if you were paying child support she likely could afford a two bedroom apartment in a better area of town.

Because my plan is to make a claim with child services about her drug use. As much as I wan't her to do good in life and be happy (which has held me back from calling in the past) I cannot sit and watch my son turn into a delinquent.

Again, it sounds to me like your son needs to be evaluated for potential ADHD. If you call child services, and they find nothing, that could hurt your custody bid.

The other thing is my rotating shift schedule where I work nights and days intermittently. Will the courts view that as a negative? Because he will be well cared for by my mother who lives less than a mile away while I work.

Yes, the courts will view that as a negative.

I am ready to proceed like I said, but I'd hate to open up a can of worms with the child support and lose everything i have so she can spend more of my money on pot/blow/etc. Don't get me wrong, I support my son. I pay for sports, med. insurance, clothes, food everything. by the way, I know this forum has an alimony section but this is more about custody than anything else. Help me please!!??

The only thing that I see, that you can honestly prove, is your son's poor performance in school. Again, from what you described it sounds like he needs to be evaluated for ADHD. You have your son every weekend. One thing that you are going to be asked is what have YOU done to help his school performance?

 

[atompkins99]

Thanks for your response. Everything you stated was basically what I pretty much knew but needed confirmation on. The reason I don't want to pay child support is because I know the money wouldn't go anywhere useful, ie home, food, god forbid the child. I know I should be in the eyes of a judge however. I knew her bf before they hooked up and know what he does. Can I prove it? Probably not. Shady people like him seem to weasel their way out of situations like that. It is what it is. I believe My son does have adhd, and have already set up an appoint. for next weds. Anyhow, thanks.

 

[stealth2]

I believe My son does have adhd, and have already set up an appoint. for next weds.

Which is, I believe... Mom's time? Does she know of the appointment? Is she in agreement?

 

[atompkins99]

Yes it is on her time. And yes she is on board with the idea.

 

[Isis1]

Yes it is on her time. And yes she is on board with the idea.

you do realize...if the child is diagnosed with ADHD....that means it's NOT mom's fault or mom's living conditions the child is not attentive in school, right?

a change in custody is not going to make ADHA go away.

if mom is on board with the idea.....she's not sounding neglectful.

out of curiousity....has mom ever been diagonosed with anything? it is quite possible she is self medicating.

 

[MichaCA]

Why don't you buy the child a good air mattress - shoot, kick in some nice sheets and cool bedspread...its up to mom if they have space for it. IF she's open, perhaps you could even help create a cubby for the son/hand a partition, etc. Its true, sleeping on the couch is not illegal...it would be nice for him to have his own space.

Also, I guess son is in second grade (?)...how did he do in first grade?

And unsolicited advice...IMO mom shouldn't be 'punishing' child for having a hard time with assignments. That just doesn't work. Hopefully, both of you will continue to work together to find out what the childs needs are that are not getting met, and perhaps with the help of a counselor together, and the imput from the school teachers, come up with a action plan at BOTH homes how to be constructive around him, his homework. Idealistic? Yes, I always am...but that seems like such a positive scenerio doesn't it?

 

[atompkins99]

you do realize...if the child is diagnosed with ADHD....that means it's NOT mom's fault or mom's living conditions the child is not attentive in school, right?

a change in custody is not going to make ADHA go away.

if mom is on board with the idea.....she's not sounding neglectful.

out of curiousity....has mom ever been diagonosed with anything? it is quite possible she is self medicating.

Yeah I understand that the attention issue wouldn't be her fault if he's diagnosed with adhd, but as far as her not sounding neglectful, its hard to draw an all encompassing picture over a forum. This girl goes out nearly every night and gets smashed while her son stays with his verbally abusive grandmother (her mom) until she gets home. Believe me, she is very neglectful.

Don't know if she's ever been diagnosed, but thats really not my battle anymore. She's 29 yrs old, if she cant make an appointment to be evaluated, it just further proves my whole point.

Thanks for the response

 

[Isis1]

Yeah I understand that the attention issue wouldn't be her fault if he's diagnosed with adhd, but as far as her not sounding neglectful, its hard to draw an all encompassing picture over a forum. This girl goes out nearly every night and gets smashed while her son stays with his verbally abusive grandmother (her mom) until she gets home. Believe me, she is very neglectful.

Don't know if she's ever been diagnosed, but thats really not my battle anymore. She's 29 yrs old, if she cant make an appointment to be evaluated, it just further proves my wole point.

Thanks for the response

who says grandma is verbally abusive? what have you done about it?

 

[atompkins99]

Why don't you buy the child a good air mattress - shoot, kick in some nice sheets and cool bedspread...its up to mom if they have space for it. IF she's open, perhaps you could even help create a cubby for the son/hand a partition, etc. Its true, sleeping on the couch is not illegal...it would be nice for him to have his own space.

Also, I guess son is in second grade (?)...how did he do in first grade?

And unsolicited advice...IMO mom shouldn't be 'punishing' child for having a hard time with assignments. That just doesn't work. Hopefully, both of you will continue to work together to find out what the childs needs are that are not getting met, and perhaps with the help of a counselor together, and the imput from the school teachers, come up with a action plan at BOTH homes how to be constructive around him, his homework. Idealistic? Yes, I always am...but that seems like such a positive scenerio doesn't it?

He seemed to be on track in first grade, although he did have some minor issues staying attentve and talking out of turn, we attributed that to his age.

Air mattress is a great idea

I'm really just starting to get an understanding for this whole adhd situation, so maybe punishment was a bit off the mark. I don't think, however, that he should be held completely unaccountable for his behavior.

Thanks

 

[atompkins99]

who says grandma is verbally abusive? what have you done about it?

My son tells me all the time, my ex has even admitted it. What have I done? I've talked to her a couple times about it, (ended up in a huge argument) beside the fact that I'm trying to get him to live with me.

 

[Isis1]

He seemed to be on track in first grade, although he did have some minor issues staying attentve and talking out of turn, we attributed that to his age.

Air mattress is a great idea

I'm really just starting to get an understanding for this whole adhd situation, so maybe punishment was a bit of the mark. I don't think, however, that he should be held completely unaccountable for his behavior.

Thanks

the thing with ADHD...it's a differnent format of punishment.

i cannot punish my 8 year old ADHD child the same way i would punish my 12 year old non ADHD child. definitely take some parenting classes for ADHD parents. it's very enlightening. you follow different applications of punishments and get some amazing results. even though my husband doesn't agree with what i do...too bad for him. i'm not here to make him satisifed at every turn.

 

[atompkins99]

the thing with ADHD...it's a differnent format of punishment.

i cannot punish my 8 year old ADHD child the same way i would punish my 12 year old non ADHD child. definitely take some parenting classes for ADHD parents. it's very enlightening. you follow different applications of punishments and get some amazing results. even though my husband doesn't agree with what i do...too bad for him. i'm not here to make him satisifed at every turn.

I will definitely look into that, thanks

 

[ecmst12]

My dad always thought more punishment would make my ADHD go away too. He also thought it was my mom's fault because she was "too permissive". He was an idiot too. To this day I can't even have a conversation with him about the fact that I am on medication because he Just Doesn't Get It.

 

[Isis1]

My dad always thought more punishment would make my ADHD go away too. He also thought it was my mom's fault because she was "too permissive". He was an idiot too. To this day I can't even have a conversation with him about the fact that I am on medication because he Just Doesn't Get It.

still, huh? jeez. that doesn't give me much hope