ROFR and other questions - ex filed again!!

[mommyto 2]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ
Hi everyone, I am back looking for some advice. Ex filed against me again. Here are some of the issues and I want some feedback from you guys.
One he is asking for ROFR, which is strange since I work the same schedule as my children's school but sometimes work extra hours in the summer when my mom watches the children (two, ages 12 and 8). He works days, but wants his wife to be able to watch the kids. Can anyone fill me in on ROFR and if there are time limits, like you will be gone rom kids maore than so many hours?

He is also asking for us (like ex and me) to go to couples counseling. We have been divorced for 8 years. He has been remarried for 4. He wants us to communicate in person instead of email. We started only using email because he would become so angry when we spoke if I did not always agree with him I often was frightened of his behavior. Can I be forced into couples counseling?

Also he wants to be able to have a say in any activity the children participate in on my time. So for example, girl child joins a after school club (like art club) during my parenting time. Do I have to get his approval first? These activities never have affected his parenting time.

Thanks in advance or your input and help!

 

[Just Blue]

He is also asking for us (like ex and me) to go to couples counseling

Huh?? Are you sure this is the term? A CO-PARENTING class would be a good idea...but couples counseling?? That is for ...couples!

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

One he is asking for ROFR, which is strange since I work the same schedule as my children's school but sometimes work extra hours in the summer when my mom watches the children (two, ages 12 and 8). He works days, but wants his wife to be able to watch the kids. Can anyone fill me in on ROFR and if there are time limits, like you will be gone rom kids maore than so many hours?

So, he is asking for one legal stranger to take precedence over another legal stranger.

ROFR is for one parent to watch the child as opposed to a a legal stranger watching the child.

He is also asking for us (like ex and me) to go to couples counseling.

I could see a co-parenting class; a co-parenting counseling so that you can communicate. Not completely out of line.

Also he wants to be able to have a say in any activity the children participate in on my time. So for example, girl child joins a after school club (like art club) during my parenting time. Do I have to get his approval first? These activities never have affected his parenting time.

What is your custody arrangement.

I can see if you sign a child up for soccer/football/ etc where both parents have to take a child to the (fill in the blank) on their time. On something that is just on your time and isn't a educational/medical decision, come on.

 

[mommyto 2]

The custody arrangement is joint, me being primary parent. I have never signed the children up for any activity that occurs during his time with the children. But according to the motion (I have not read them yet, I went over them with my attorney) he wants to have a say in any and all activities the children participate in, even if they are solely on my time.

As far as the counseling, he refers to it in his papers as family counseling but just for us. He states the reason is so I will communicate with him. I do communicate with him extensively - just through emails. He now has decided he wants verbal communication. Last time we communicated verbally he tried to bang through a window at my home with the children present while calling me a list of horrible names. I don't want to go to counseling - I want to stay away from this guy as much as possible. I keep him informed o every educational and medical issues, appointments and concerns. I guess what I am asking do judges often order a certain form of communication over another?

 

[mommyto 2]

I also want to add I have never interfered with his parenting time, vacation time, or holiday time. I have given him copies of all information regarding the children (i.e. report cards, notes from teachers, et...). This is more about him having control over everything I do. He took me to court two summers ago and lost on all ares and I was awarded legal fees. I have the same judge, and that judge stated that he found my ex to have serious mental health issues (which he does that are documented) and that he would better spend his money and time on getting himself help. Do judges make notes? Will judges review the previous cases?

Thanks again!

 

[SopranoKris]

I think he's being a tad unreasonable, but that's just my personal opinion.

Would he not be satisfied if you just told him via e-mail "I've signed up (kiddo) for (activity) on (my parenting time). She's very excited about doing (activity) and I wanted to make sure you know when she'll be starting. I'm sure she'll want to fill you in on what she's been doing on your next (day) together"

I think that should be enough. It's your parenting time with your child. Yes, it's good to share information, but it shouldn't be a situation where he wants to have a "trump card" to say no if you want to sign up your daughter for some fun activities. Just like you wouldn't want to tell him what he can & can't do on his time, right? It needs to be a two-way street.

As far as ROFR, if HE isn't available to take care of your daughter when it's your parenting time and your family is caring for her, then ROFR does him no good.

I don't see a judge ordering co-parenting classes if e-mail has been working fine. Personally, I like the "paper trail" of e-mails because it prevents some of the "that's not what I said" arguments. Plus you can write and re-edit your draft over & over to convey your point, where as with verbal communication, you get one shot at it and if it comes out wrong...yikes

 

[mommyto 2]

Thanks - He has signed the children up for activities on his time, More power to him, I have absolutely no problem at all with what he does with the children on his time. It is his time! So your right it is a two way street.

With ROFR is there usually a time consideration? So for example my daughter is in an after school program for 15 minutes before I can pick her up, does he get ROFR and get her, then I have to go to his house to pick her up (and yes, he would do this, he lives 4 miles from the school)? Some days he sends his wife for pick up for his parenting time - and he is out of town, but comes home later in the evening, (three hours later) do I keep them? It just seems to me that in order to minimize transitions, and crazy scheduling a time frame should be set. So for example, if the parent is not going to be home for 6 hours then ROFR takes place. Does this make sense?

 

[Just Blue]

I think he's being a tad unreasonable, but that's just my personal opinion.

Would he not be satisfied if you just told him via e-mail "I've signed up (kiddo) for (activity) on (my parenting time). She's very excited about doing (activity) and I wanted to make sure you know when she'll be starting. I'm sure she'll want to fill you in on what she's been doing on your next (day) together"

Perhaps...But what if the activities include something that Dad finds to be dangerous? If there is joint legal Dad has a right to have a say in extracurricular activities...

 

[SopranoKris]

For fifteen minutes? No. Seriously. If it's your parenting time and you have a fifteen minute gap from when school gets out to when you pick her up and you've made arragements for her care for those fifteen minutes, then dad is being a little ridiculous about this. It's fifteen minutes for heaven's sake!

I'm going to say again: even if you're going to be away from your child for 6 hours on your parenting time, if DAD isn't going to be the one watching your daughter, then he's got no ROFR here. You said your mom is watching your daughter, he wants his new wife to watch your daughter. Ain't gonna happen. It's your time and you get to choose. Same as when it's his time. Does he REALLY want you using ROFR to care for your daughter when he's not around on his parenting time? I would be willing to bet the answer is a big NO. Again, the ROFR needs to be a two-way street.

 

[mommyto 2]

Okay - I guess I am confused then, it was my understanding that during my parenting I called the shots and vice versa unless there was a history of poor parenting choices. Here is a list of activities my children in the past year have participated in that I signed them up for, brownies, science club (8 weeks), and newspaper club (7 weeks). He has signed up for karate (son), school band (son) art classes (daughter). I have always let him know what the children are participating in but have never asked for his permission. As he has never asked for mine.

It concerns me because of the history of him trying to control every aspect of my life with the children. I am concerned that I send him an email stating boy child will be participating in the yearbook club and he has a fit because I did not get his approval first.

I am trying to keep the fights to a minimum but I do have a hard time with the notion he has a say about my parenting time.

 

[mommyto 2]

SopranoKris - yes he has actually stated he wants the children during my time to stay with his wife (I work a few hours on Thursdays in the summer). Mind you he is at work. I said no because the kids have friends in the neighborhood and want to play with them rather than sit at his house with stepmother. My mom comes to my house to watch them. This made him mad so now ROFR.

I know this is hard to believe but this man is very mentally ill and has serious anger issues towards me. I am not sure why his wife accepts his need to constently engage with me, and I am not sure if she eggs it on. But you would think after 8 years of divorce and me never interfering with his time, always keeping him informed and involved, never asking for an increase in child support, e would leave me alone. But that is not the case, he has an obsessive personality, and for some reason he can't leave me alone.

 

[wileybunch]

Okay - I guess I am confused then, it was my understanding that during my parenting I called the shots and vice versa unless there was a history of poor parenting choices.

What specifically is Dad complaining about with regard to their activities? That you don't allow him to participate in their activities if they are on "your time"? If that is what you are doing, that is a problem. And, that would be considered trying to overly control.

Asking for joint counseling is reasonable and can be beneficial. Why wouldn't you want to break through some of the issues with a safe trained third party?

ROFR is for parties to the CO so if Mom or Dad will be away from child for X hours, other parent has first option to have child in their care. Each situation defines the X hours. 3 hours is unreasonable, IMO.

But, to be clear .... what provision does your CO have for Dad in the summer? Is he complaining he's not getting the kids some of the days he should be?

As for him being "very mentally ill", what does that mean? If you feel this is the case, what are you doing about it all these times you've been to court? If you feel he is such a danger, do something about it. If you don't do something or court doesn't agree, then don't through that out there as a red herring.

 

[mommyto 2]

I have never prevented him from participating in any activity regarding the children. But the activities that the children have been enrolled in during my time have not required much parent participation. I just got the papers, and what he is asking is to be able to sign the kids up for activities no matter whose time it is with the kids. He also stated that I have not sent him papers involving all school events, I have. He also has access to the school's internet sight which posts all activities and events and he has attended all events in the past.

He has no time frame stated for ROFR. What is a good time frame?

As far as the mental health, he has been hospitilzed on three occasions and takes meds ( I am not sure which ones). I have never taken him back to court - he has. It was my impression that as long as he does not put the children at danger there was little I can do in regards to the mental health issue. My attorney thinks at this point we can do something regarding his abuse of the judicial system due to his ongoing obsession with me.

I am so upset with what he wrote in the papers I am having a hard time absorbing it all. It is filled with lies and made up stories, but no proof.

 

[Humusluvr]

I have never prevented him from participating in any activity regarding the children. But the activities that the children have been enrolled in during my time have not required much parent participation. I just got the papers, and what he is asking is to be able to sign the kids up for activities no matter whose time it is with the kids. He also stated that I have not sent him papers involving all school events, I have. He also has access to the school's internet sight which posts all activities and events and he has attended all events in the past.

He has no time frame stated for ROFR. What is a good time frame?

As far as the mental health, he has been hospitilzed on three occasions and takes meds ( I am not sure which ones). I have never taken him back to court - he has. It was my impression that as long as he does not put the children at danger there was little I can do in regards to the mental health issue. My attorney thinks at this point we can do something regarding his abuse of the judicial system due to his ongoing obsession with me.

I am so upset with what he wrote in the papers I am having a hard time absorbing it all. It is filled with lies and made up stories, but no proof.

8 hours for the ROFR. Otherwise, it just becomes too much. How fart apart in distance are you? And HE has to exercise ROFR, NOT STEP.

I could see if you were signing kids up for Gay and Lesbian club or Dancing with Knives club - but soccer? What a weener. If it doesn't interfere with the other's time, he can hike it.

And the "You have to speak to me, face to face, no emails" ABSOLUTELY IS a control issue on his part. If you feel comfortable with emails or the emergency phone call, more power to you. I would not agree to anything, not in writing, with his history of dragging you to court.

I hope you ask for attorney's fees AGAIN!!!

(please don't bash me for the GAL thing, just an example)

 

[wileybunch]

I have never prevented him from participating in any activity regarding the children. But the activities that the children have been enrolled in during my time have not required much parent participation. I just got the papers, and what he is asking is to be able to sign the kids up for activities no matter whose time it is with the kids.

He just wants blanket unilateral permission to sign kids up for activities on your time or was he more specific? If not, that's not reasonable.

He has no time frame stated for ROFR. What is a good time frame?

I should check my DH's exact language, but his is for when the parent will be gone overnight and for situations where child will be in daycare. He never strong-armed for time when child was in daycare, though, ie before/after school as it would have been minimal time at best. 8 hours may not be enough time, either, because if you need daycare while working FT, for example, child could be w/a caregiver easily > 8 hrs.

As far as the mental health, he has been hospitilzed on three occasions and takes meds ( I am not sure which ones). I have never taken him back to court - he has. It was my impression that as long as he does not put the children at danger there was little I can do in regards to the mental health issue. My attorney thinks at this point we can do something regarding his abuse of the judicial system due to his ongoing obsession with me.

Regardless of who files the motion, when you respond you could have filed a countermotion if his mental health issues had any bearing, but apparently they don't when it comes to custody/visitation. His current motion isn't an abuse of the court system, asking for a ROFR.

As for the letters, part of the whole court thing that can be very hard on ppl are the things said in motions, in open court, etc. It stinks, but you have to stay objective when thinking about his requests and what is reasonable. He can hate you all he wants, but if a ROFR is a reasonable thing to request, come to agreement on it and move on to other issues or back to your own lives.