Stepmom at school

[Limbs_of_a_Pine]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? - Oregon

Hi all and thanks in advance for any help you can give.

I am the new stepmother of a 9 year old boy with some learning issues. He has an IEP.
His father has 50% custody (W-F weekly plus alternate weekends) and is a very active parent (attends all IEP meetings, takes to most doctor appointments, etc.)
His father has asked the school to set aside extra copies of school papers (homework packet, sign-ups for conferences, etc) that I can pick up. He has also added me as an authorized person to pick up SS. The school has been very helpful and friendly and knows me by name. I never enter the classroom without his dad present, though.

SS's mother has emailed her preference that I NOT be allowed to pick up SS from school or pick up extra copies of paperwork. However, she has ALSO verbally agreed to allow me to pick up SS from school.

(Background: I pick up copies of paperwork and homework because the packet goes out every Monday, which is a mom-custody day, and - for this entire school year - the homework packet has seldom made it to our house Wednesday, which is a dad-custody day. We have asked the teacher to scan and email homework, but that solution hasn't worked effectively. Now that I pick up the packet, we get homework done without incident every night. I have picked up and dropped off SS at school all school year on occasion with no problems, but it hasn't been routine - as I said we are just blending our families this year. For the future, I would like to pick SS up two afternoons a week, because my workplace is very close to his school, and that would allow me to get him to our home about an hour before his father can pick him up. Otherwise, his father has to detour quite a distance and SS must spend an hour in aftercare for those two days each week. SS very much wants to be picked up earlier as he does not like aftercare very much. I believe that an hour in our home without dad present is so short that Oregon's "right of first refusal" doesn't kick in - but if you think I'm wrong please let me know. )

Lots of background, sorry! Here are my questions:
Does SS's mom have any legal right to tell the school I - the step-mom - cannot pick up paperwork that the father has requested?
Does SS's mom have any legal right to tell the school that I cannot pick SS up after school on days his dad has custody?
Would a power of attorney make much difference?

These two issues (homework and after-school pickup) are such a regular part of the weekly routine that we really need a system that stays the same for the rest of the school year! It's worked well the past three months but SS's mother has just emailed her objections last week. Our goal here is to know our rights and simply assert to her that her preferences do not trump those rights.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? - Oregon

Hi all and thanks in advance for any help you can give.

I am the new stepmother of a 9 year old boy with some learning issues. He has an IEP.
His father has 50% custody (W-F weekly plus alternate weekends) and is a very active parent (attends all IEP meetings, takes to most doctor appointments, etc.)
His father has asked the school to set aside extra copies of school papers (homework packet, sign-ups for conferences, etc) that I can pick up. He has also added me as an authorized person to pick up SS. The school has been very helpful and friendly and knows me by name. I never enter the classroom without his dad present, though.

SS's mother has emailed her preference that I NOT be allowed to pick up SS from school or pick up extra copies of paperwork. However, she has ALSO verbally agreed to allow me to pick up SS from school.

(Background: I pick up copies of paperwork and homework because the packet goes out every Monday, which is a mom-custody day, and - for this entire school year - the homework packet has seldom made it to our house Wednesday, which is a dad-custody day. We have asked the teacher to scan and email homework, but that solution hasn't worked effectively. Now that I pick up the packet, we get homework done without incident every night. I have picked up and dropped off SS at school all school year on occasion with no problems, but it hasn't been routine - as I said we are just blending our families this year. For the future, I would like to pick SS up two afternoons a week, because my workplace is very close to his school, and that would allow me to get him to our home about an hour before his father can pick him up. Otherwise, his father has to detour quite a distance and SS must spend an hour in aftercare for those two days each week. SS very much wants to be picked up earlier as he does not like aftercare very much. I believe that an hour in our home without dad present is so short that Oregon's "right of first refusal" doesn't kick in - but if you think I'm wrong please let me know. )

Lots of background, sorry! Here are my questions:
Does SS's mom have any legal right to tell the school I - the step-mom - cannot pick up paperwork that the father has requested?
Does SS's mom have any legal right to tell the school that I cannot pick SS up after school on days his dad has custody?
Would a power of attorney make much difference?

These two issues (homework and after-school pickup) are such a regular part of the weekly routine that we really need a system that stays the same for the rest of the school year! It's worked well the past three months but SS's mother has just emailed her objections last week. Our goal here is to know our rights and simply assert to her that her preferences do not trump those rights.

Yes, she has the legal right to ask for ALL of those things. But asking isn't getting, and that's really what we're talking about here.

Look. You're a new stepmom. I'm going to give you the benefit of years of experience, good and bad, and this comes from someone who was once perhaps the worst stepmom ever - no ID Channel jokes, either.

Mom is already showing that she doesn't want you maybe that involved with school matters. While legally, Dad can do a lot of things (including telling Mom to take a hike) I STRONGLY advise you to voluntarily take a step back and remove yourself from the entire school equation - at least for now. What you gain in the stepparent-parent relationship is worth far, far more than the hour or two you'll lose.

Trust me.

 

[I'mTheFather]

I agree with Pro.

I'll also add that you don't have any rights and shouldn't have any goals with regard to your stepson in this instance. That's your husband's situation to handle. Has he asked the mom why she objects?

As far as the homework packet, surely that can be sent home with the child. I assume it's sent home on Mondays, so he must be trustworthy enough to bring it to his dad's. I don't see any reason for you to pick it up.

 

[Silverplum]

We are just blending our families this year.

Mom is not "blending" her family with you. Don't overstep.

 

[stealth2]

I agree with Pro.

I'll also add that you don't have any rights and shouldn't have any goals with regard to your stepson in this instance. That's your husband's situation to handle. Has he asked the mom why she objects?

As far as the homework packet, surely that can be sent home with the child. I assume it's sent home on Mondays, so he must be trustworthy enough to bring it to his dad's. I don't see any reason for you to pick it up.

I'm thinking that, if it's anything like when mine were kids, the packet gets sent home at the start of the week, then stays there w/homework being turned in at the end of the week. Since F is Dad's day, I'm not sure why kiddo doesn't have the packet w/him on Wednesdays. Unless homework is both collected and sent out on Mondays, which is possible. If a new packet is going to be picked up on Wednesday anyway, why not simply request teacher to give it to kiddo to bring with him? Seems like an easy work-around to resolve that particular conflict.

Although I suspect the HW packet isn't the real issue - the pick-up by SM is. What Mom sees is Dad's new woman trying to move herself into her (Mom's) role, true or not. Especially since it's all relatively new, stepping back graciously for now may be the wisest thing to do. Can Dad put in two extra hours on his non-kid days so he can pick kiddo up earlier himself? Something to perhaps discuss w/his boss.

I can tell you that I went all momma-bear when my kids' (then also new) SM called the school to discuss our (my ex's and my) son. If Dad couldn't be bothered? This woman could step out. Not saying you're like her, but just an example of how a Mom can get. Honestly, I'd probably still get that way if she tried now, but they're both grown and I'm the only one they authorized the colleges to speak with (something I actually only did once - and boy did they get a piece of my mind.).

 

[Limbs_of_a_Pine]

Mom is not "blending" her family with you. Don't overstep.

"We" refers to my husband and myself. We both have children.

 

[Limbs_of_a_Pine]

And quickly - yes, I totally understand all the heavy fire that stepparents regularly draw here (of course, I read back in the archives for a while before posting!). Yes, lots of stepparents "overstep" etc. Both my husband and I are are children of divorce. We're both in our 40's, have been around the block, have seen plenty of family and friends in these situations. But stepparents DO have some legal rights and obligations. The mantra "you have NO RIGHTS" isn't exactly accurate or always very useful.

 

[Ohiogal]

And quickly - yes, I totally understand all the heavy fire that stepparents regularly draw here (of course, I read back in the archives for a while before posting!). Yes, lots of stepparents "overstep" etc. Both my husband and I are are children of divorce. We're both in our 40's, have been around the block, have seen plenty of family and friends in these situations. But stepparents DO have some legal rights and obligations. The mantra "you have NO RIGHTS" isn't exactly accurate or always very useful.

Oh please, educate us what rights you have to parent? FERPA provides very little. Legally, you are a stranger to the children. Legally, you do not have custody. Legally, you are not a parent.

 

[Limbs_of_a_Pine]

Oh please, educate us what rights you have to parent? FERPA provides very little. Legally, you are a stranger to the children. Legally, you do not have custody. Legally, you are not a parent.

Well, all adults who caretake a child have a legal obligation to keep that child safe, for example. Step-parents have the right not be harassed by phone. That sort of thing.

Believe me, I'm not here to fight, just hoping to get a little knowledge on a specific question.

 

[Ohiogal]

Well, all adults who caretake a child have a legal obligation to keep that child safe, for example. Step-parents have the right not be harassed by phone. That sort of thing.

Believe me, I'm not here to fight, just hoping to get a little knowledge on a specific question.

Obligations are NOT rights. And being a stepparent is not what gives you the "right" to not be harassed. So you have nothing actually.

 

[not2cleverRed]

9 is old enough to keep track of his homework packet.

It's not like Mom is taking the HW packet out before Dad's days and burning it. And even if she is... well, that's on her.

Mom and son need to work out his "responsibility" to bring the HW packet along. Or else face the consequences. Dad should document the absence of HW packet, on the off chance Mom alleges that child is doing poorly in school because he is not doing HW/turning it in on Dad's time.

Think of it this way: it's better for kiddo to learn how to keep track of HW now. If it takes some low grades to teach him - well better in elementary school than in high school, and certainly no one's planning on going off to college with him to keep track of HW.

 

[Zigner]

Step-parents have the right not be harassed by phone.

Not simply because they are a step-parent.

 

[Limbs_of_a_Pine]

Well, all adults who caretake a child have a legal obligation to keep that child safe, for example. Step-parents have the right not be harassed by phone. That sort of thing.

Believe me, I'm not here to fight, just hoping to get a little knowledge on a specific question.

And the constant refrain of "you have no rights" sounds like a whole community is saying: "You have to ACCEPT being called names, hateful emails all night, having your own child belittled and criticized by a stranger, having your workplace messed with ... it's your rightful punishment as a stepparent because you have no rights!" I know that's not what you guys mean here, but just saying, it can come across that way.

 

[Ohiogal]

And the constant refrain of "you have no rights" sounds like a whole community is saying: "You have to ACCEPT being called names, hateful emails all night, having your own child belittled and criticized by a stranger, having your workplace messed with ... it's your rightful punishment as a stepparent because you have no rights!" I know that's not what you guys mean here, but just saying, it can come across that way.

That shows the ignorance of the person who is being told that then as this is a LEGAL site. Not a support group for stepparents. Those exist. Find one if that is what you want or need.

 

[Limbs_of_a_Pine]

9 is old enough to keep track of his homework packet.

It's not like Mom is taking the HW packet out before Dad's days and burning it. And even if she is... well, that's on her.

Mom and son need to work out his "responsibility" to bring the HW packet along. Or else face the consequences. Dad should document the absence of HW packet, on the off chance Mom alleges that child is doing poorly in school because he is not doing HW/turning it in on Dad's time.

Think of it this way: it's better for kiddo to learn how to keep track of HW now. If it takes some low grades to teach him - well better in elementary school than in high school, and certainly no one's planning on going off to college with him to keep track of HW.

Still waiting for my fuller response to be ok'd by moderator, but because of SS's cognitive issues, he cannot actually be responsible for the packet. I sure wish we were there but - not yet.

Doing a little homework each night, seeing the same materials as used in the class, holding his own pencil - he's at a stage where those are really developmentally helpful. Dad, school specialist, psychiatrist agree on this.