Teens refusing to visit other parent

[Anne04]

Washington State | GO COUGS!

I'm hesitant to post due to the amount of snark and replies that do nothing but lecture and do not assist with answering someone's question but here goes...


Background: parents have 50/50 (time and legal), boys are 13 and 12. Boys have repeatedly for the past 3 years told their mom that they want to live with dad full time (for all the right reasons, she is rarely home, isn't involved in school or sports, doesn't help with homework, hides out in her room watching Netflix and smoking weed...etc)

Last spring break the now 13 year old came to his dads house after school when he should have gone to his moms, he text her saying "I'm living with dad now, I'll see you on Mother's Day" She came over, livid, and told him that she would report him as a runaway and send him to juvie and would report his dad for kidnapping and send him to jail. DH reminded her that she can't have it both ways but DID try and facilitate and get BM to understand WHY their son was unhappy and how she could make it better. DH talked to the son and told him to go to his moms and try and communicate with her when he was frustrated.

Last weekend the same thing happened with the now 12 year old (little different story but basically the 'I don't want to live with you, you are a bad parent' and BM got nasty, making threats and ended it saying "I don't care what you think", which obviously doesn't help the situation and just angers the kid even more)

Before you start lecturing me on how I am the stepmom and I need to stay out and that their dad should be on here asking the questions or that it is his job to facilitate those boys and encourage a relationship with their mom...etc. we have done all of that for the last 8 years without any attempt from their mom to actually understand why the boys despise her and the boys have repeatedly said that I am more of a 'mom' to them than she is. Anyone that thinks a stepparent cannot earn their seat at the table can click off right now.

I also understand that he can always take her back to court and try to modify the parenting plan and that children are 'children' and that the adults decide where they live (disagree: there are PLENTY of 'children/teenagers' that are competent and understand right from wrong and we should be encouraging our children to speak up on moral issues (i.e. Malala Yousafzai, she isn't a one in a million, plenty of teens understand when something isn't ok), they don't turn 18 and suddenly can make adult decisions, this happens over the teen years)

Here is my question: in Washington State, if the child walks into our house, sits on the couch and refuses to budge, no matter what father or mom say to him...

1. How likely are the police to get involved
2. is he considered a runaway if his mom knows where he is (I'm thinking more like just a defiant child)

We aren't worried about the contempt stuff so don't bother to give me your advice on that, we have multiple examples of when DH has tried to help foster their relationship, as well as witnesses (coaches, teachers) to attest to this, and honestly, she wouldn't take DH back to court because she knows that he would win custody (her words), we are JUST wondering about the police involvement, and what they would be more likely to do.

 

[CTU]

Washington State | GO COUGS!

I'm hesitant to post due to the amount of snark and replies that do nothing but lecture and do not assist with answering someone's question but here goes...


Background: parents have 50/50 (time and legal), boys are 13 and 12. Boys have repeatedly for the past 3 years told their mom that they want to live with dad full time (for all the right reasons, she is rarely home, isn't involved in school or sports, doesn't help with homework, hides out in her room watching Netflix and smoking weed...etc)

Last spring break the now 13 year old came to his dads house after school when he should have gone to his moms, he text her saying "I'm living with dad now, I'll see you on Mother's Day" She came over, livid, and told him that she would report him as a runaway and send him to juvie and would report his dad for kidnapping and send him to jail. DH reminded her that she can't have it both ways but DID try and facilitate and get BM to understand WHY their son was unhappy and how she could make it better. DH talked to the son and told him to go to his moms and try and communicate with her when he was frustrated.

Last weekend the same thing happened with the now 12 year old (little different story but basically the 'I don't want to live with you, you are a bad parent' and BM got nasty, making threats and ended it saying "I don't care what you think", which obviously doesn't help the situation and just angers the kid even more)

Before you start lecturing me on how I am the stepmom and I need to stay out and that their dad should be on here asking the questions or that it is his job to facilitate those boys and encourage a relationship with their mom...etc. we have done all of that for the last 8 years without any attempt from their mom to actually understand why the boys despise her and the boys have repeatedly said that I am more of a 'mom' to them than she is. Anyone that thinks a stepparent cannot earn their seat at the table can click off right now.

I also understand that he can always take her back to court and try to modify the parenting plan and that children are 'children' and that the adults decide where they live (disagree: there are PLENTY of 'children/teenagers' that are competent and understand right from wrong and we should be encouraging our children to speak up on moral issues (i.e. Malala Yousafzai, she isn't a one in a million, plenty of teens understand when something isn't ok), they don't turn 18 and suddenly can make adult decisions, this happens over the teen years)

Here is my question: in Washington State, if the child walks into our house, sits on the couch and refuses to budge, no matter what father or mom say to him...

1. How likely are the police to get involved
2. is he considered a runaway if his mom knows where he is (I'm thinking more like just a defiant child)

We aren't worried about the contempt stuff so don't bother to give me your advice on that, we have multiple examples of when DH has tried to help foster their relationship, as well as witnesses (coaches, teachers) to attest to this, and honestly, she wouldn't take DH back to court because she knows that he would win custody (her words), we are JUST wondering about the police involvement, and what they would be more likely to do.

You understand very little, you are an overbearing legal stranger and you have no business making demands of anyone here.

Go tell your darling husband to hire an attorney. The two of you are disgusting.

Sincerely,

One of the Washington-based volunteers.

Edit: And really, your efforts to play the other side of the coin are disappointing.

 

[wimpeel]

Washington State | GO COUGS!

I'm hesitant to post due to the amount of snark and replies that do nothing but lecture and do not assist with answering someone's question but here goes...


Background: parents have 50/50 (time and legal), boys are 13 and 12. Boys have repeatedly for the past 3 years told their mom that they want to live with dad full time (for all the right reasons, she is rarely home, isn't involved in school or sports, doesn't help with homework, hides out in her room watching Netflix and smoking weed...etc)

Last spring break the now 13 year old came to his dads house after school when he should have gone to his moms, he text her saying "I'm living with dad now, I'll see you on Mother's Day" She came over, livid, and told him that she would report him as a runaway and send him to juvie and would report his dad for kidnapping and send him to jail. DH reminded her that she can't have it both ways but DID try and facilitate and get BM to understand WHY their son was unhappy and how she could make it better. DH talked to the son and told him to go to his moms and try and communicate with her when he was frustrated.

Last weekend the same thing happened with the now 12 year old (little different story but basically the 'I don't want to live with you, you are a bad parent' and BM got nasty, making threats and ended it saying "I don't care what you think", which obviously doesn't help the situation and just angers the kid even more)

Before you start lecturing me on how I am the stepmom and I need to stay out and that their dad should be on here asking the questions or that it is his job to facilitate those boys and encourage a relationship with their mom...etc. we have done all of that for the last 8 years without any attempt from their mom to actually understand why the boys despise her and the boys have repeatedly said that I am more of a 'mom' to them than she is. Anyone that thinks a stepparent cannot earn their seat at the table can click off right now.

I also understand that he can always take her back to court and try to modify the parenting plan and that children are 'children' and that the adults decide where they live (disagree: there are PLENTY of 'children/teenagers' that are competent and understand right from wrong and we should be encouraging our children to speak up on moral issues (i.e. Malala Yousafzai, she isn't a one in a million, plenty of teens understand when something isn't ok), they don't turn 18 and suddenly can make adult decisions, this happens over the teen years)

Here is my question: in Washington State, if the child walks into our house, sits on the couch and refuses to budge, no matter what father or mom say to him...

1. How likely are the police to get involved
2. is he considered a runaway if his mom knows where he is (I'm thinking more like just a defiant child)

We aren't worried about the contempt stuff so don't bother to give me your advice on that, we have multiple examples of when DH has tried to help foster their relationship, as well as witnesses (coaches, teachers) to attest to this, and honestly, she wouldn't take DH back to court because she knows that he would win custody (her words), we are JUST wondering about the police involvement, and what they would be more likely to do.

Clickety click

 

[CdwJava]

Before you start lecturing me on how I am the stepmom and I need to stay out and that their dad should be on here asking the questions or that it is his job to facilitate those boys and encourage a relationship with their mom...etc. we have done all of that for the last 8 years without any attempt from their mom to actually understand why the boys despise her and the boys have repeatedly said that I am more of a 'mom' to them than she is. Anyone that thinks a stepparent cannot earn their seat at the table can click off right now.

A step parent can be part of the solution or part of the problem. They ARE involved, even if some people might want to dismiss them.

However, I do hope that you are not dissing mom in front of the kids. Even if the kids may be upset with mom, they may one day recall with disdain your actually discounting their actual mother. Kids' loyalties can be fickle and can change with time. This is why you need to tread cautiously. Support your husband, and the kids, but try not to interject yourself into the mix any more than you must.

Ultimately, if there is a court ordering visitation, and the kids are minors, dad has to see that the order is adhered to or HE can get into trouble. Unless the order permits the children to make this decision (and that would be rare), a custody and visitation order is binding upon the parents and a failure to comply can lead to sanctions. These sanctions may include a loss of custody or visitation, and maybe even jail time.

Here is my question: in Washington State, if the child walks into our house, sits on the couch and refuses to budge, no matter what father or mom say to him...

1. How likely are the police to get involved

Not too likely. They are not likely to pick the child up and drag him out to see mom. But, if mom is there, the police might write a report holds dad accountable for violating a court order.

If the child has run away from mom when mom has custody or visitation time, then the police may be inclined to return the child to where they are supposed to be. Or, they may again write a report. Understand if the child returns to your house when they are supposed to be at mom's, you or dad may be seen as encouraging their disobedience.

My suggestion: Do NOT give them the impression that this is an option.

2. is he considered a runaway if his mom knows where he is (I'm thinking more like just a defiant child)

If he has taken off from mom's, maybe. I am not sure how WA may define this or what their reporting requirements might be. But, dad could be held in contempt for the kids' failing to follow the custody and visitation order.

If the kids are so vehement against going to mom's, then maybe dad can return to court in the hopes of modifying visitation or custody ... though, the court may not be willing to take the kids' wishes into account at all. Absent some articulable and objective facts, the court is likely to see the kids' reticence as meddling by you and/or dad.

 

[stealth2]

Great post, Carl!

 

[not2cleverRed]

OP, you lost me at "BM".

Mom is not a poop.

 

[CTU]

There is a lot more than Mom can do, should she get a whiff of - or get tired of whiffing - bs coming out of Dad's house.

She can:

~ Ask that the court include a "will assist" (the verbiage may be different depending on the court - it is not boilerplate language) Mom in picking up the wayward child from Daddy's house. If this happens, and Daddy still won't release the child, he may find himself faced with a choice; hand over the child willingly, or let the police get involved.

~ Daddy's parenting time being reduced

~ Daddy's parenting time reduced and supervised at his cost

~ Stepmommy being restrained from being present during Dad's parenting time

Let this be a message to overstepping stepparents:

You think the other parent sucks? Don't even hint of that when your spouse's children are present. Not. One. Whiff. You would be astonished how fast (and how frequently) a court-wary parent will suddenly find the momentum to get themselves in front of a judge if it means putting a stop in an overbearing legal stranger's antics.

In this instance, Daddy dearest should be also be punishing the wayward child for speaking so poorly and disrespectfully to his mother. Daddy should also consider the possibility that Mommy is perhaps setting him up for a custody battle because she knows fine well that she has at least a decent shot at custody. Perhaps "her words" are lulling him into a false sense of security. She has 50/50 now, right? Daddy cannot therefore turn around and start throwing "unfit" at the wall - he'll do little more than leave his own hands dirty.

Perhaps she's even been here herself before. Perhaps Dad has.

You never really know, do you? And nothing ever really gets deleted on the Internet.

Tread carefully, parents and their loved ones. Tread very carefully indeed. Things are not always as they might appear.

 

[Just Blue]

Washington State | GO COUGS!

I'm hesitant to post due to the amount of snark and replies that do nothing but lecture and do not assist with answering someone's question but here goes...


Background: parents have 50/50 (time and legal), boys are 13 and 12. Boys have repeatedly for the past 3 years told their mom that they want to live with dad full time (for all the right reasons, she is rarely home, isn't involved in school or sports, doesn't help with homework, hides out in her room watching Netflix and smoking weed...etc)

Last spring break the now 13 year old came to his dads house after school when he should have gone to his moms, he text her saying "I'm living with dad now, I'll see you on Mother's Day" She came over, livid, and told him that she would report him as a runaway and send him to juvie and would report his dad for kidnapping and send him to jail. DH reminded her that she can't have it both ways but DID try and facilitate and get BM to understand WHY their son was unhappy and how she could make it better. DH talked to the son and told him to go to his moms and try and communicate with her when he was frustrated.

Last weekend the same thing happened with the now 12 year old (little different story but basically the 'I don't want to live with you, you are a bad parent' and BM got nasty, making threats and ended it saying "I don't care what you think", which obviously doesn't help the situation and just angers the kid even more)

Before you start lecturing me on how I am the stepmom and I need to stay out and that their dad should be on here asking the questions or that it is his job to facilitate those boys and encourage a relationship with their mom...etc. we have done all of that for the last 8 years without any attempt from their mom to actually understand why the boys despise her and the boys have repeatedly said that I am more of a 'mom' to them than she is. Anyone that thinks a stepparent cannot earn their seat at the table can click off right now.

I also understand that he can always take her back to court and try to modify the parenting plan and that children are 'children' and that the adults decide where they live (disagree: there are PLENTY of 'children/teenagers' that are competent and understand right from wrong and we should be encouraging our children to speak up on moral issues (i.e. Malala Yousafzai, she isn't a one in a million, plenty of teens understand when something isn't ok), they don't turn 18 and suddenly can make adult decisions, this happens over the teen years)

Here is my question: in Washington State, if the child walks into our house, sits on the couch and refuses to budge, no matter what father or mom say to him...

1. How likely are the police to get involved
2. is he considered a runaway if his mom knows where he is (I'm thinking more like just a defiant child)

We aren't worried about the contempt stuff so don't bother to give me your advice on that, we have multiple examples of when DH has tried to help foster their relationship, as well as witnesses (coaches, teachers) to attest to this, and honestly, she wouldn't take DH back to court because she knows that he would win custody (her words), we are JUST wondering about the police involvement, and what they would be more likely to do.

You, Anne, are part of the problem...not the solution.

 

[Zigner]

You, Anne, are part of the problem...not the solution.

Yep Yep!

 

[stealth2]

WTH? Does Dad have no control over his teens?

My two could have taken me down, physically, had they wanted to. But they knew that I was the parent and in charge. All they needed was "the look" and they complied. No physicality was required. Even now, at 22 & 25, "the look" suffices. (Not that it's often needed anymore...) Even the fiance (23) knows "the look".

Tell Daddy it's time to be a parent.

 

[CJane]

WTH? Does Dad have no control over his teens?

My two could have taken me down, physically, had they wanted to. But they knew that I was the parent and in charge. All they needed was "the look" and they complied. No physicality was required. Even now, at 22 & 25, "the look" suffices. (Not that it's often needed anymore...) Even the fiance (23) knows "the look".

Tell Daddy it's time to be a parent.

Heh. I was on the phone with Wild (20) the other day, and told her to log into her school account and get me some info I needed. She said she'd do it later. I simply said "Child." and she had that info to me in less than 2 minutes. LOL

And she's 2000 miles away.

 

[stealth2]

Heh. I was on the phone with Wild (20) the other day, and told her to log into her school account and get me some info I needed. She said she'd do it later. I simply said "Child." and she had that info to me in less than 2 minutes. LOL

And she's 2000 miles away.

LOL The over-the-phone "look".

ETA: Mine is "Ex-CUSE me?"

 

[CTU]

I hope Mom has realized that Dad & Stepmom can't call the shots here. I welcome her to sign up with a legit account to ask further questions.

(This isn't stepmom writing. Not a single chance)

 

[paddywakk]

Washington State | GO COUGS!

I'm hesitant to post due to the amount of snark and replies that do nothing but lecture and do not assist with answering someone's question but here goes...


Background: parents have 50/50 (time and legal), boys are 13 and 12. Boys have repeatedly for the past 3 years told their mom that they want to live with dad full time (for all the right reasons, she is rarely home, isn't involved in school or sports, doesn't help with homework, hides out in her room watching Netflix and smoking weed...etc)

Last spring break the now 13 year old came to his dads house after school when he should have gone to his moms, he text her saying "I'm living with dad now, I'll see you on Mother's Day" She came over, livid, and told him that she would report him as a runaway and send him to juvie and would report his dad for kidnapping and send him to jail. DH reminded her that she can't have it both ways but DID try and facilitate and get BM to understand WHY their son was unhappy and how she could make it better. DH talked to the son and told him to go to his moms and try and communicate with her when he was frustrated.

Last weekend the same thing happened with the now 12 year old (little different story but basically the 'I don't want to live with you, you are a bad parent' and BM got nasty, making threats and ended it saying "I don't care what you think", which obviously doesn't help the situation and just angers the kid even more)

Before you start lecturing me on how I am the stepmom and I need to stay out and that their dad should be on here asking the questions or that it is his job to facilitate those boys and encourage a relationship with their mom...etc. we have done all of that for the last 8 years without any attempt from their mom to actually understand why the boys despise her and the boys have repeatedly said that I am more of a 'mom' to them than she is. Anyone that thinks a stepparent cannot earn their seat at the table can click off right now.

I also understand that he can always take her back to court and try to modify the parenting plan and that children are 'children' and that the adults decide where they live (disagree: there are PLENTY of 'children/teenagers' that are competent and understand right from wrong and we should be encouraging our children to speak up on moral issues (i.e. Malala Yousafzai, she isn't a one in a million, plenty of teens understand when something isn't ok), they don't turn 18 and suddenly can make adult decisions, this happens over the teen years)

Here is my question: in Washington State, if the child walks into our house, sits on the couch and refuses to budge, no matter what father or mom say to him...

1. How likely are the police to get involved
2. is he considered a runaway if his mom knows where he is (I'm thinking more like just a defiant child)

We aren't worried about the contempt stuff so don't bother to give me your advice on that, we have multiple examples of when DH has tried to help foster their relationship, as well as witnesses (coaches, teachers) to attest to this, and honestly, she wouldn't take DH back to court because she knows that he would win custody (her words), we are JUST wondering about the police involvement, and what they would be more likely to do.

About all you can do is take her to court. If the current court order specifies that the children live with mom and dad doesn't enforce that, he's going to be showing the court he can't control the children, IMHO.
They might be old enough to express an opinion and the judge might listen to them.

 

[Zigner]

About all you can do is take her to court. If the current court order specifies that the children live with mom and dad doesn't enforce that, he's going to be showing the court he can't control the children, IMHO.
They might be old enough to express an opinion and the judge might listen to them.

Wrong. The OP can't "take her to court".

Please don't wander around the forum, stopping occasionally to make comments of dubious accuracy. Read, learn, rinse and repeat.