Tired of the waiting game

[CJane]

I did what you said and googled it. In the list of grounds for termination of parental rights in Missouri I found these:

Abandonment or Extreme Parental Disinterest
Failure of Reasonable Effort
Failure to Maintain Contact
Failure to Provide Support

ALL of which fit my situation exactly. So I guess I'm still confused as to why I wouldn't be able to have his rights stripped from him.

I will try to explain this to you in easy to understand terms.

When considering whether to INVOLUNTARILY terminate a parent's rights to their child, the court MUST follow guidelines that are set out in the statutes.

It's a rather long list... and more than ONE item on it is going to have to be met.

'Failure of Reasonable Effort' applies when a child is in the care of the state or another 3rd party (such as Foster Care) and the parent(s) has/have not made a 'reasonable effort' to be reunited with his/her/their child.

Clearly, that does not apply in your case.

'Failure to Maintain Contact' is also almost always applied when a child is in the care of the state or a 3rd party. It can also be used when a parent - who has visitation/custodial rights via a court order chooses not to exercise those rights AT ALL over a long period of time. While in some cases, that's 6mo to a year, it usually needs to be a LOT longer than that and with a MUCH older child - one whom it can be proven is harmed by the lack of contact.

This also does not apply in your case.

'Failure to provide support' isn't EVER going to be used to Involuntarily TPR all by itself. It's used IN CONJUNCTION WITH other compelling reasons as set forth by the courts.

So it doesn't apply in your case.


Obviously, part of the problem you will face is how young your child is. He/She is not being harmed by the father's lack of involvement. Perhaps, if the child were older and you were married and your husband had stood in as the child's father for a long period of time, you'd have a better shot.

But... there are other things you need to clarify for us.

Firstly, is there a CURRENT court order for visitation?

If yes, what is the schedule?
If no, why not?

 

[DomsMom]

Help me out CJane, but I think in Missouri Dad can be considered to have abandoned the child after only six months. That means no contact whatsoever, not a penny of support. A year of abandonment would be weightier in court.

Since Dad is willing to allow termination, you don’t really need to prove abandonment. What you need is more than a fiancée to adopt.

I don't understand what you mean by "you will need more than a fiance to adopt"? This is so frustrating as a mother and soon to be wife. I mean what else am I expected to do by the state? I have raised my son in EVERY WAY, completely on my own since before he was even born into this world. I have given his father every opportunity to see his son every day since he was born, all he had to do was call me on his way over. And he could never even do that. I made it as easy as pie for him to have a relationship with his son, I was completely polite, forgiving, and open minded. And now I find out, that after everything that my family has sacrificed these past 2 1/2 years, I get to tell my husband that he will have to settle for being my son's daddy in everything but name, and he is leaving out soon? I mean seriously. Constitutional rights to be a bad father? Thats bull****, and that right there is one example of how our justice system is screwed.

I really do appreciate the knowledge ya'll. I'm not trying to be a whiny brat here, this whole situation is just extremely frustrating, and I'm guessing that the adoption process is expensive, right? Not that we can even do it until my son is 7 years old.

 

[Ohiogal]

I don't understand what you mean by "you will need more than a fiance to adopt"?

YOU NEED A HUSBAND! That is what they mean. You need a spouse.

 

[CJane]

I'm guessing that the adoption process is expensive, right?

Usually, yes.

 

[DomsMom]

No there is not a court visitation order. His father did not want one. He was afraid that if he were to not uphold to it, that he would be in trouble. So I made a verbal agreement with him that he could see his son whenever he liked as long as he called me and gave me notice. He has chosen not to do that. He doesnt even call to ASK me how our sons doing. When my son was 9 months old his father came to see him (for the second to last time), and tried to shake him and threatened to take a belt to him. So I went to the state DFS office and requested that all visitations be supervised and was granted that. He has yet to exercise those visitations. The last time my sons father saw him was his 1st birthday.

 

[Bloopy]

When my son was 9 months old his father came to see him (for the second to last time), and tried to shake him and threatened to take a belt to him. So I went to the state DFS office and requested that all visitations be supervised and was granted that. He has yet to exercise those visitations. The last time my sons father saw him was his 1st birthday.

Bull! If he were abusive to the child you would have stated so from the start. A belt? Puh-leese.

I quit!

 

[CJane]

No there is not a court visitation order. His father did not want one. He was afraid that if he were to not uphold to it, that he would be in trouble. So I made a verbal agreement with him that he could see his son whenever he liked as long as he called me and gave me notice. He has chosen not to do that. He doesnt even call to ASK me how our sons doing. When my son was 9 months old his father came to see him (for the second to last time), and tried to shake him and threatened to take a belt to him. So I went to the state DFS office and requested that all visitations be supervised and was granted that. He has yet to exercise those visitations. The last time my sons father saw him was his 1st birthday.

If there is no court order for visitation, you'll have a MUCH harder time claiming abandonment... because legally he HAS NO RIGHT to see the child.

However, it makes it easier for you to move once you're married. If he chooses not to fight that.

 

[DomsMom]

I do understand that, my Fiance and I are to be married in June, and we werent going to attempt to go through the adoption process until after we were married. But now I'm learning that we will have to be married for a while before we can even think about that option. And you all are right, my son should be able to voice his own opinion in the matter. I guess I was just afraid of the thought of having to explain to him in a couple of years of why he has a different name than mommy and daddy, and all that bull**** that a child should never have to find out. Like that his real father didnt want him. How does a mom go about telling her baby things like that? But again you all are right about waiting and seeing. Making sure its the best choice for my son and my family. Thank you

 

[Bloopy]

Making sure its the best choice for my son and my family. Thank you

Now this is reason. I un-quit.

 

[DomsMom]

Bull! If he were abusive to the child you would have stated so from the start. A belt? Puh-leese.

I quit![/QUOT

I never ONCE said that he actually abused my child. I said he threatened. He wouldnt be a topic of conversation if he had EVER laid a hand on my son out of anger. I also said in the very first question I posted that there was MUCH to the story that I was leaving out, to save you all from boredom. I don't see a THREAT of violence being even considered in terminating his rights. Since some parents THREATEN to cause bodily harm to their children every day. I didnt figure it was very relavent.

 

[DomsMom]

Unlike some of the people that come on here to ask questions, I am telling you the truth. It is not the complete truth, as it would take me a couple of hours to tell it all, so im giving you the shortened version. My son's best interest has always been and will always be my primary concern. I may have been young by some standards when I had him, but even then what was best for him was my only concern. I may have made mistakes, like trying to force a relationship between him and hi father, but in the end my intent was always the same. Trying to do what was and is best for him. So please dont doubt that my sons happiness comes first. That is why I am going to allow, and want to allow my fiancee to adopt him after we are married.

I have never seen my son attached to someone like he has attached himself to my fiancee. In a little over a year, he has gone from being terrified of men, to asking daddy to kiss his boos instead of mama. (kind of sad isnt it). I just want you all to understand, that even if some of the things I said sound naive and young, Im still learning, and I can promise you that my son's best interest is the only reason I push for adoption.

 

[CJane]

I guess I was just afraid of the thought of having to explain to him in a couple of years of why he has a different name than mommy and daddy, and all that bull**** that a child should never have to find out.

Know what? No one is going to care what the kid's last name is unless YOU make a deal of it.

I have the same last name as my 2 girls. My son (who will turn 2 in less than a week and who hasn't seen his father since he was 5 months old) has his father's last name.

If me and D'man get married, I'll have a different last name than ALL my kids. And it won't matter at all. Really.

Like that his real father didnt want him. How does a mom go about telling her baby things like that?

You're going to have to explain to him one way or the other. If you're REALLY keeping his best interests in mind, you wouldn't even consider lying to him about his adoption, yes?

Look, I know EXACTLY where you're coming from, ok? I am in Missouri and I have a nearly 2 year old with a father who honestly couldn't give a **** about our child. I've had to come to terms with that too. And I know it would be next to impossible to have Asshat's rights terminated just because he'd rather not be involved. So I just have to keep on being Mommy and my BF keeps on being pseudo-Daddy and we enjoy the hell out of the family we HAVE even if it isn't the family we ENVISIONED.

 

[Isis1]

you don't have to explain anything except what they ask. I have two children from another relationship. both of them are aware of the physical abuse theor father inflicted on me. I have never brought it up, and never explained it. they are both very protective of me even when my husband and i wrestle in play (which we had to stop for awhile because it caused my oldest to get alarmed). chldren do get it. and they aren't as traumatized as we make them out to be. my oldest has my maiden name as his last name, my second has his father's last name, my third has my husband's last name. my oldest has been voluntarily signing his name as my married name because he himself feels this is a part of his family. he's 10.

i grew up without my own father. i had a wonderful stepfather. knowing my own father was not a part of my life was not monumental in my life. honestly, i didn't notice my stepfather wasn't my own dad. i'm hispanic, he is black. it couldn't be more obvious, but i couldn't have been more oblivious.

all you have to do is wait for the proper time to go through the adoption process. when he asks about his name, tell him. in the most positive manner you can. (getting a therapist's recommendation on how to explain this might be helpful). most children only need a 5 sentence explanation.

 

[DomsMom]

Thanks for all of your help, everyone! Your right, I wouldnt have lied to him about his adoption, so he would have found out about his real father anyways. And my Fiance and I have talked about it, and its for the best if we wait until my son has a voice in the matter. Thanks again.

 

[nextwife]

Like that his real father didnt want him. How does a mom go about telling her baby things like that?

You Don't "tell them" that!

My daughter was abandoned at an orphanage about a week after birth. After that she had NO parent until age two. Just 98 other babies and a few caregivers around her. My daughter could have been allowed to believe that neither of her bioparents "wanted" her. (BTW - adoptive families don't use the word "real" to describe bioparents, because adoptive parents are very "real". Might as well know about accepted adoption terminology if you aspire to become a participant in the adoption process)

But we tell her that it has nothing to do with HER. That she is WONDERFUL and that the choice her bioparent made to not be her parent is a choice we don't really understand or know the WHY about. There are many possible reasons, but we don't have answers. And I NEVER, EVER say a BAD thing about her bioparents!

We tell her that we DON'T know whether they "wanted" to be a parent to her: only that for some reason they knew they couldn't be the parent that she needed.