Trying to get more involved in medical for kids

[randolph76]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law) Illinois?

My ex and I have 50/50 split physical custody; joint legal. Ex has been taking daughter to doctor visits with me going as often as I can. However, these doctor visits have been during her months with her making the appointments since she has the medical insurance and works with the doctor that writes the referral. If I try to make appointments for her my ex cancels them and makes her own. I think she's trying to set it up as she's the good mother who always makes the appointments and I'm the bad father who doesn't care. The most recent appointment is scheduled during my custodial time and she says she will take our daughter to the appointment. Also, I usually never hear about the initial visit that results in the referral (again she works with the doctor(s) who just write it up for her) so there's no way to be involved in that appointment (if there is one and not just a verbal consult w/ mother). I've asked mother repeatedly for me to be involved in all aspects of medical care including initial consult; haven't had much luck there. Anyhow, I want to know if there's any advice on there how I can get into initial consults (when not told about them) and if I should just tell her I'm taking the children to their appointments during my custodial time. I know it will cause an argument with her but I also want to be involved in the medical decisions and feel like I'm being pushed out. Thanks in advance.

 

[milspecgirl]

since you have joint legal- you have every right to be informed of every appt. Contact the Dr office and ask for a copy of her records (this will show whether there were appts or not, etc). Also, make an appt and talk to the Dr and have something put in the file that you are to be notified of appts (or at least get the reminder call)
Tell mom you and the child will meet her at the Dr and that from now on you require advance notice of any medical appt unless its an emergency.
This may be an issue you have to push in court to get mom to start letting you in

 

[randolph76]

I have requested records before and have seen some "appointments" I wasn't told about. However, if she just goes up to a doctor (since she works in the doctor's office) and asks for a referral they give it to her since she knows them instead of the formal method. And all the record states is talked to mother... recommend such and such referral. Doesn't mean an actual appointment was made, which is what I suspect happens a lot.

I will ask the doctor's office to notify me when an appointment is made but I kind of doubt I will get it for the pseudo-appointments.

I just finished a custody modification with the judgment entered at the end of last year. However, if I understand my lawyer right Illinois only lets you modify custody once every 2 years unless there's some pretty significant event. I know this wouldn't be modifying custody just asking that current orders be enforced but I'm a little weary right now from court But yeah if it continues, I'll have to... Not everything should be this difficult *sigh*

 

[LdiJ]

I have requested records before and have seen some "appointments" I wasn't told about. However, if she just goes up to a doctor (since she works in the doctor's office) and asks for a referral they give it to her since she knows them instead of the formal method. And all the record states is talked to mother... recommend such and such referral. Doesn't mean an actual appointment was made, which is what I suspect happens a lot.

I will ask the doctor's office to notify me when an appointment is made but I kind of doubt I will get it for the pseudo-appointments.

I just finished a custody modification with the judgment entered at the end of last year. However, if I understand my lawyer right Illinois only lets you modify custody once every 2 years unless there's some pretty significant event. I know this wouldn't be modifying custody just asking that current orders be enforced but I'm a little weary right now from court But yeah if it continues, I'll have to... Not everything should be this difficult *sigh*

Honestly, I cannot see a doctor's office giving you advance notice of courtesy referrals, because its highly unlikely that they would ever know in advance if mom is going to ask for one.

And honestly, I cannot see a judge getting upset about it either unless its referrals for controversial issues.

 

[randolph76]

And that's kind of what I was thinking. But I can ask the doctor's office and at least maybe they'll tell me if there's a physical visit. I just feel like I'm in a catch 22. I look bad because I don't know about a medical referral but I'm not told about it except when there's an appointment with a specialist. So I'm missing the whole family doctor discussion about what lead to specialist referral... if that makes sense.

 

[LdiJ]

And that's kind of what I was thinking. But I can ask the doctor's office and at least maybe they'll tell me if there's a physical visit. I just feel like I'm in a catch 22. I look bad because I don't know about a medical referral but I'm not told about it except when there's an appointment with a specialist. So I'm missing the whole family doctor discussion about what lead to specialist referral... if that makes sense.

I understand where you are coming from, but there is no way for you to be part of a casual conversation between work collegues, that results in a courtesy referral. To even ask to be part of that would likely cause medical providers and/or court professionals to feel a bit uneasy.

 

[mistoffolees]

I understand where you are coming from, but there is no way for you to be part of a casual conversation between work collegues, that results in a courtesy referral. To even ask to be part of that would likely cause medical providers and/or court professionals to feel a bit uneasy.

Not to mention potential legal problems for the doctors.

 

[CJane]

What is this child seeing all of these specialists FOR? How many referrals/specialist appointments are we talking about? What is the time split? You said the appointments happen on Mom's "months" - explain.

 

[randolph76]

Sorry, I should back up some I do have a daughter and son with ex. Daughter was on my mind because that's the appt coming up. I sometimes forget I have to fill in the blanks for people who haven't heard my story before

The months come from us alternating months to arrive at our custody split and she had been making the appointments during her custodial time only until fairly recently. My son is autistic which is why he sees so many specialists. This coming appointment just happens to be for my daughter this time.

I figure that during her time she should take the kids to appointments with me attending. But during my time I should take the kids. She would argue that since she set it up she should take them but I don't think that's right.

 

[LdiJ]

Sorry, I should back up some I do have a daughter and son with ex. Daughter was on my mind because that's the appt coming up. I sometimes forget I have to fill in the blanks for people who haven't heard my story before

The months come from us alternating months to arrive at our custody split and she had been making the appointments during her custodial time only until fairly recently. My son is autistic which is why he sees so many specialists. This coming appointment just happens to be for my daughter this time.

I figure that during her time she should take the kids to appointments with me attending. But during my time I should take the kids. She would argue that since she set it up she should take them but I don't think that's right.

As long as you both are there, why does it matter which car the children ride in to get to the appointments?

I think that maybe you are getting a little worked up over something that is potentially quite minor.

Why is your custody month to month? It appears that you don't live horribly far apart, month to month seems a little hard on the children.

 

[randolph76]

I'm trying not to get worked up... I just don't want it to appear I don't care when I do but am not kept in the loop or am not driving them when I have my parenting time with them. I want to do my best for them so they can grow up with both parents around and learn from us both. I do worry too much that we'll loose what we have now.

We had considered other arrangements such as week to week or every two weeks and all the variations. But decided that it would be simpler for the kids not to bounce around as much but still have both parents in their lives. We both get one weekend on the opposite month and volunteer at the schools so it's not like it's a whole month without the other parent.

 

[LdiJ]

I'm trying not to get worked up... I just don't want it to appear I don't care when I do but am not kept in the loop or am not driving them when I have my parenting time with them. I want to do my best for them so they can grow up with both parents around and learn from us both. I do worry too much that we'll loose what we have now.

If you are concerned that somehow custody could change just because one of you is less involved in medical issues, then completely forget that. It would NOT make any difference. It would only make a difference if one of you was not involved at all AND in denial regarding any of the children's medical issues.

 

[CJane]

If you are concerned that somehow custody could change just because one of you is less involved in medical issues, then completely forget that. It would NOT make any difference. It would only make a difference if one of you was not involved at all AND in denial regarding any of the children's medical issues.

Especially when there's a month to month split between the parents. That sort of extended time in between visits doesn't lend itself very well to information exchanges or appt scheduling for the other parent's convenience.

I'm still curious how many appts we're talking about.

 

[randolph76]

Thank you all for the responses; it has been helpful.

We're talking about an appointment with a specialist at the most once or twice per month. He sees therapists on a regular basis but that's not really what I am referring to as far as referrals.

 

[randolph76]

Ex's proposal

To recap the basics of my situation:

2 children with ex (son & daughter). Son is autistic and so has been receiving speech, occupational/sensory, and ABA therapy. Joint Legal and Physical 50/50 split, alternating months.

So, I exchange the kids yesterday and ex approaches me and says that she thinks it "would be best for [son's] stability" if we had him every 6 months so that she could make sure all his new therapy could take place because he "only has a limited amount of time to get this fixed [before 7 years old]". Then suggested 4 months when she saw my facial expression. The new therapy is for additional sensory therapy and aquatic therapy. She seems to believe that if she crams as much therapy into his first 7 years that he will be cured. It should be noted that he is high functioning on the autism scale and his diagnosing physician's test barely placed him on the autism spectrum. Except for a few quirks most outsiders wouldn't know he was autistic.

My thoughts are that 6 months (or 4) alternating would be a very bad schedule - I would think it would be harder on him because of his condition. All of a sudden he wouldn't see his father and sister (and stepsiblings) for half the year except for one weekend a month (and vice versa). His sister and him are very close as well so I could see it affecting her greatly. I also don't see how 6 months straight would make his therapy go any better.

Well, those are my thoughts and I may be off base but wanted to know what everyone here thinks?