UPDATE (court tomorrow)

[bononos]

What is the name of your state? OH

Past Post:
https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=318494

Well, he's still in the pokey.
I waited till 5:30 Friday to see if his Mom called to tell me what was going on. Nothing.
(son was to visit at 5:45)
She was going to just have me drop son off and not clue me in on what was going on.
I called and told her I was aware of it. She had a SITTER besides her set up cause she had to work last night.
They were going to keep this quiet.
I said I would be keeping son.
So, I allowed her to see son yesterday for a bit, and she is watching him while I work today since ex would usually have him.
I will always allow her lots of contact, son wants to visit her as opposed to Dad.
She expected to take ALL his visits.
NOT!
I found out even more dirt.
The incident happened Oct. 14, 2005 - a Friday.
The evaluation was still in the works.
Ex had a second interview with the evaluator just 3 days after, on the 17th and neglected to mention this to the evaluator. And, the evaluator asked many questiond about arrests. criminal history, etc...
So, I haven't needed to suspend visits yet.
Here is my plan.
I am going to alter the final custody order proposal due to this, plus also include visits are suspended until his release, then the regular order I am proposing shall kick in.
I am actually hoping they'll be wise and agree to it.
I hope he's still in there and they have to bring him over in shackles to the hearing.

So, he committed these offenses that are drug related on a day he had son, got a second DUI, witheld info. from the evaluator and me, missed his arraignment, got arrested again while son was in his care, and is in the slammer. I know I'll be alot less nervous tomorrow.

Sorry we started the party without you Thursday Rmet!

 

[rmet4nzkx]

What is the name of your state? OH

Past Post:
https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=318494

Well, he's still in the pokey.
I waited till 5:30 Friday to see if his Mom called to tell me what was going on. Nothing.
(son was to visit at 5:45)
She was going to just have me drop son off and not clue me in on what was going on.
I called and told her I was aware of it. She had a SITTER besides her set up cause she had to work last night.
They were going to keep this quiet.
I said I would be keeping son.
So, I allowed her to see son yesterday for a bit, and she is watching him while I work today since ex would usually have him.
I will always allow her lots of contact, son wants to visit her as opposed to Dad.
She expected to take ALL his visits.
NOT!
I found out even more dirt.
The incident happened Oct. 14, 2005 - a Friday.
The evaluation was still in the works.
Ex had a second interview with the evaluator just 3 days after, on the 17th and neglected to mention this to the evaluator. And, the evaluator asked many questiond about arrests. criminal history, etc...
So, I haven't needed to suspend visits yet.
Here is my plan.
I am going to alter the final custody order proposal due to this, plus also include visits are suspended until his release, then the regular order I am proposing shall kick in.
I am actually hoping they'll be wise and agree to it.
I hope he's still in there and they have to bring him over in shackles to the hearing.

So, he committed these offenses that are drug related on a day he had son, got a second DUI, witheld info. from the evaluator and me, missed his arraignment, got arrested again while son was in his care, and is in the slammer. I know I'll be alot less nervous tomorrow.

Sorry we started the party without you Thursday Rmet!

Well Missy**************..... You are forgiven




This time.


Keep us updated.

Remember that even though Ex's mom didn't acknowledge what happened, your son would rather be with her than him and apparently they have a relationship and she may be just trying to keep the status quo, which may be in your son's best interest no matter how you feel about his dad. So now dad also knows you know. It isn't your son's or his grandmother's fault that his dad has not acted responsibly and that his mother will still love him dispite his faults and apparently loves her grandchild too. Undoubatable this is stressful for everyone and will perhaps be more so if the manslaughter investigation implicates your ex.

 

[bononos]

Well Missy**************..... You are forgiven




This time.


Keep us updated.

Remember that even though Ex's mom didn't acknowledge what happened, your son would rather be with her than him and apparently they have a relationship and she may be just trying to keep the status quo, which may be in your son's best interest no matter how you feel about his dad. So now dad also knows you know. It isn't your son's or his grandmother's fault that his dad has not acted responsibly and that his mother will still love him dispite his faults and apparently loves her grandchild too. Undoubatable this is stressful for everyone and will perhaps be more so if the manslaughter investigation implicates your ex.

Great advice.
Even if his visits are totally suspended for a bit. I still let his mom still have kiddo about 2 overnights herself a week. I just sometimes wish she would stick up for what is best for her grandchild instead of what her son wants, but I guess that's how parents are.
But my son loves her and she loves him and he likes spending time with her.
If we pull in and Gram's car isn't there, but Dad's is, son always says, "I want gram-ma."
I definately update after tomorrow.

 

[bononos]

His charges by the way:

Careless Driving

Posession of Marijuana

Use/Posession of Drug Paraphinelia

DUI: Controlled Substance - Impaired Ability

DUI: High Rate of Alcohol (BAC .01 - .16)

DUI: General Imp/Inc of Driving Safely

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Great advice.
Even if his visits are totally suspended for a bit. I still let his mom still have kiddo about 2 overnights herself a week. I just sometimes wish she would stick up for what is best for her grandchild instead of what her son wants, but I guess that's how parents are.
But my son loves her and she loves him and he likes spending time with her.
If we pull in and Gram's car isn't there, but Dad's is, son always says, "I want gram-ma."
I definately update after tomorrow.

Sometimes parents get caught in the middle, it can be very frustrating at times even with the best of children. Perhaps you and grandma should have a frank discussion re the issues, acknowledge her position caught between the two and the best interest of your son, so you can both be on the same page, then guess which way she will lean?

 

[bononos]

Sometimes parents get caught in the middle, it can be very frustrating at times even with the best of children. Perhaps you and grandma should have a frank discussion re the issues, acknowledge her position caught between the two and the best interest of your son, so you can both be on the same page, then guess which way she will lean?

That's a very good idea. When I get kiddo tonight, if ex isn't released yet and there, I'll chat with her a bit on everything and what we can do for kiddo!

 

[rmet4nzkx]

His charges by the way:

Careless Driving

Posession of Marijuana

Use/Posession of Drug Paraphinelia

DUI: Controlled Substance - Impaired Ability

DUI: High Rate of Alcohol (BAC .01 - .16)

DUI: General Imp/Inc of Driving Safely

Here's the thing, depending on his record, a good criminal defense attorney may be able to him a deal. It is possible that he might have a driver's liscense susspension, fines, substance treatment programs and jail time which might be in the form of a work furlough program. Don't be disappointed if they don't throw the book at him as opposed to if he is charged with manslaughter. That being a possibility, What are your ammended petitions to the court? Drug & alcohol testing? Substance abuse programs & testing? Perhaps, transportation provided by and visitation supervised by grandma? Things to think about.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

That's a very good idea. When I get kiddo tonight, if ex isn't released yet and there, I'll chat with her a bit on everything and what we can do for kiddo!

Don't do this in front of Kiddo.

 

[bononos]

Here's the thing, depending on his record, a good criminal defense attorney may be able to him a deal. It is possible that he might have a driver's liscense susspension, fines, substance treatment programs and jail time which might be in the form of a work furlough program. Don't be disappointed if they don't throw the book at him as opposed to if he is charged with manslaughter. That being a possibility, What are your ammended petitions to the court? Drug & alcohol testing? Substance abuse programs & testing? Perhaps, transportation provided by and visitation supervised by grandma? Things to think about.

I was hopeful that this being a second DUI, his detox and rehab last year for Oxy's, this new one involving drugs and alcohol, and his not disclosing it to the evaluator all will be significant.
I included supervised by grandma.
I'm not sure how to word alcohol and drug testing.
I don't know who tests, how it's paid for, etc...
(any suggestions)
I also want to bring up the fact of his possible reactions to this.
Our evaluation report point blank states that his reactions and violence seems to come out towards women and espically towards women who he feels betrayed by.
I am considering action for protection for myself.
I spoke with a semi-friend of ex and his brotheron Saturday.
We discussed the arrest.
He mentioned ex's brother was showing him his new handgun and mentioned my ex bought a new one also and it is registered in his brother's name since ex is not permitted to own a handgun.
This guy has kids the same ages as mine and told ex's brother how it was a bad idea.
I don't think I can prove this, but with that factor, plus I'm sure his mental illness and state of mind will be at a bad point, and the evaluation report, I am a bit worried.

My mom will be with me when we get kiddo this evening, so she can entertain while me and gram-ma talk.

PS
Haven't heard back from evaluator yet.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

I was hopeful that this being a second DUI, his detox and rehab last year for Oxy's, this new one involving drugs and alcohol, and his not disclosing it to the evaluator all will be significant.
I included supervised by grandma.
I'm not sure how to word alcohol and drug testing.
I don't know who tests, how it's paid for, etc...
(any suggestions)
I also want to bring up the fact of his possible reactions to this.
Our evaluation report point blank states that his reactions and violence seems to come out towards women and espically towards women who he feels betrayed by.
I am considering action for protection for myself.
I spoke with a semi-friend of ex and his brotheron Saturday.
We discussed the arrest.
He mentioned ex's brother was showing him his new handgun and mentioned my ex bought a new one also and it is registered in his brother's name since ex is not permitted to own a handgun.
This guy has kids the same ages as mine and told ex's brother how it was a bad idea.
I don't think I can prove this, but with that factor, plus I'm sure his mental illness and state of mind will be at a bad point, and the evaluation report, I am a bit worried.

My mom will be with me when we get kiddo this evening, so she can entertain while me and gram-ma talk.

Some people are at higher risk for substance abuse and addiction than others, so it may take repeated rehab programs to break the cycle and success stories few for chronic substance abuse. If he has a problem with betrayal, all of you including grandma may invite his rath. You can ask, since this is a criminal case that is and or when he is released that the county's diversion program supervise the substance testing and any follow up programs or groups.

 

[weenor]

I would add a few things...be careful with grandma and watch her...take time to make sure she is on her grandson's side not the son. This is from personal experience watching my SD's grand parents over the years. SD was the center of their universe until their daughter gets out of the hospital/rehab and promises never to do it again. The violated the court order with secret phone calls and visits to their daughter and whatever drug dealer she was with...Not saying change anything now, but watch closely.

As far as the drug tests put in the order that upon your request he is immediately required to take a drug test at a location designated by you and that failure to take this test will suspend the next visit. That's about all you can do with this issue because if he has recently used, he simply won't go to get the test and by the time you get to court, he'll probably test clean. You will probably have to pay for any test, but your looking at $40-50 for a urine drug screen. Call around your area and find facilities that do DOT testing and have certified medical review officers, because those tests are usually the best for use in court. I personally do not trust the rehab center's testing. Please note that even if he gets probation, random drug testing may be imposed but DO NOT rely on this because if he comes up posititve you will never be told- btw if the judge mentions this issue tell him that you need to know for your child's safety.

To get such a provision in any order, your request must be reasonable and related to the safety of your child...that is why I do not recommend hair follicle because the court doesn't care if he uses only if his use places your son in danger at the time. Hair follicle can only identify use not when the use took place (unless its an opiate) and it is quite a bit more expensive.

 

[LdiJ]

I would add a few things...be careful with grandma and watch her...take time to make sure she is on her grandson's side not the son. This is from personal experience watching my SD's grand parents over the years. SD was the center of their universe until their daughter gets out of the hospital/rehab and promises never to do it again. The violated the court order with secret phone calls and visits to their daughter and whatever drug dealer she was with...Not saying change anything now, but watch closely.

As far as the drug tests put in the order that upon your request he is immediately required to take a drug test at a location designated by you and that failure to take this test will suspend the next visit. That's about all you can do with this issue because if he has recently used, he simply won't go to get the test and by the time you get to court, he'll probably test clean. You will probably have to pay for any test, but your looking at $40-50 for a urine drug screen. Call around your area and find facilities that do DOT testing and have certified medical review officers, because those tests are usually the best for use in court. I personally do not trust the rehab center's testing. Please note that even if he gets probation, random drug testing may be imposed but DO NOT rely on this because if he comes up posititve you will never be told- btw if the judge mentions this issue tell him that you need to know for your child's safety.

To get such a provision in any order, your request must be reasonable and related to the safety of your child...that is why I do not recommend hair follicle because the court doesn't care if he uses only if his use places your son in danger at the time. Hair follicle can only identify use not when the use took place (unless its an opiate) and it is quite a bit more expensive.

I would also like to add that its really not a good idea to give grandma a regular "schedule" for overnight visits. I don't mean that you shouldn't be generous in allowing her to spend time with the child, just that I think that a "schedule" is a bad idea.

The problem with that is that it tends to develop a sense of "entitlement" for the grandparent when that happens. Then, if for one reason or another you no longer wish to stick to the schedule, or wants to make changes, it tends to end you up in court with a grandparent visitation lawsuit. A schedule also allows greater opportunity for the grandparent to give in to their own child and circumvent court orders regarding their child's visitation.

 

[bononos]

I'll be on my toes with Granny.
I can guarantee she'll most likely be there tomorrow.
I hope to keep it civil, but I know not to trust, espically since she was the one attempting to hide all of this from me.
Aside from changing my proposed order to include supervision, drug monitoring and treatment, and restrictions on travel outside the county, I first and foremost am including ALL custody is temporarily ceased on ex's part pending his release.
That wa, Granny isn't trying to say she wants son on ex's time.
I'll be the one deciding when and if.
Keeping the ball in my court.
I'm still offering alot.
Since we live so close, I am still offering 2 overnights a week at Granny's house only.
Split holiday time.
But, I did remove his week vacation time.

I really hope ex and his atty. just agree to it.

 

[Ithildriel]

I'll be on my toes with Granny.
I can guarantee she'll most likely be there tomorrow.
I hope to keep it civil, but I know not to trust, espically since she was the one attempting to hide all of this from me.
Aside from changing my proposed order to include supervision, drug monitoring and treatment, and restrictions on travel outside the county, I first and foremost am including ALL custody is temporarily ceased on ex's part pending his release.
That wa, Granny isn't trying to say she wants son on ex's time.
I'll be the one deciding when and if.
Keeping the ball in my court.
I'm still offering alot.
Since we live so close, I am still offering 2 overnights a week at Granny's house only.
Split holiday time.
But, I did remove his week vacation time.

I really hope ex and his atty. just agree to it.

So you are going to allow granny to be the supervisor of his visitation? Is that wise if she has been hiding his behavior from you? Not second guessing, just throwing that out there...

 

[rmet4nzkx]

I'll be on my toes with Granny.
I can guarantee she'll most likely be there tomorrow.
I hope to keep it civil, but I know not to trust, espically since she was the one attempting to hide all of this from me.
Aside from changing my proposed order to include supervision, drug monitoring and treatment, and restrictions on travel outside the county, I first and foremost am including ALL custody is temporarily ceased on ex's part pending his release.
That wa, Granny isn't trying to say she wants son on ex's time.
I'll be the one deciding when and if.
Keeping the ball in my court.
I'm still offering alot.
Since we live so close, I am still offering 2 overnights a week at Granny's house only.
Split holiday time.
But, I did remove his week vacation time.

I really hope ex and his atty. just agree to it.

And you were keeping your cards close to your chest as well, so your both had your won reasons for keeping mum but I see no problem with your proposed amendments and your reasoning for short notice on the changes, be sure to file them with the court today so the judge has them in your file and you can serve the attorney in or before court.

What did the evaluator say about all this, did you reach them yet?