Update on my Paternity

[LdiJ]

Thanks! I am trying the best I can. Still making mistakes as I go but learning from them and from all of you. All advice, good and even what I don't want to hear but is true, is very much appreciated

I will add a little advice. I have mentioned this a bit to you before, in previous threads.

Sometimes you push a little too hard. Sometimes you are just a little bit over the top. I am not criticizing you for this, I am mentioning it in order to give you the opportunity to learn.

If possible, you want not only to have your rights and a strong bond with your child, but you also want a calm and smooth co-parenting relationship with your child's mother. One way to help accomplish that is to imagine yourself in mom's shoes, and try to get a handle on how she feels about things.

Its actually possible for people to not only be good co-parents, but to end up being friends. Several people on this forum have been lucky in that respect. I am one of them.

Little acts of consideration, respect for privacy and kindness go a long way towards helping to establish a good relationship with your child's other parent. They tend to reciprocate in kind.

It would be great for you, her and the child if the two of you end up as allies in raising the child, rather than enemies.

 

[CJane]

OP? I get that you believe this is your child, and that you want to be an active father and important role model in your child's life.

HOWEVER, what you're not seeming to be ok with, or even really grasping is that the child's relationship with mom's significant other is also going to be significant. Why? Because almost invariably, that person is going to spend more time with your child and have more access to your child than you will EVER have.

Yes, he'll not be allowed to make LEGAL decisions for the child (not any more than Mom expressly allows him, anyway), and he'll never be her FATHER, but he (whomever HE is, and regardless of how often the HE changes) will still be the person who is there with the child/mother whenever the court has not decreed that YOU can be.

(Of course, this is barring a complete custody turnover to YOU, but that does not seem to be your goal)

 

[Nicaho]

I will add a little advice. I have mentioned this a bit to you before, in previous threads.

Sometimes you push a little too hard. Sometimes you are just a little bit over the top. I am not criticizing you for this, I am mentioning it in order to give you the opportunity to learn.

If possible, you want not only to have your rights and a strong bond with your child, but you also want a calm and smooth co-parenting relationship with your child's mother. One way to help accomplish that is to imagine yourself in mom's shoes, and try to get a handle on how she feels about things.

Its actually possible for people to not only be good co-parents, but to end up being friends. Several people on this forum have been lucky in that respect. I am one of them.

Little acts of consideration, respect for privacy and kindness go a long way towards helping to establish a good relationship with your child's other parent. They tend to reciprocate in kind.

It would be great for you, her and the child if the two of you end up as allies in raising the child, rather than enemies.

Thank you. I understand what you are saying. I'm pretty much in this whole situation all by myself. I take what you all say and try to go from there. Just like the staying the night at the hospital. In my head I thought it was the best and right thing to do. Not until I heard from people on this forum that I changed my POV and in the end I made the right decision. I don't know that I push too hard. I only push for what I think is fair from what I read here and other sources. But I guess even that may come off too pushy so I will try to be more careful in the future.

Can I get your opinion on this: Last week I went over after going two days without seeing the baby. When I got into her house the baby was sleeping in the swing. She told me not to touch her and not to even talk to her to wake her. It was 20 minutes before I was able to do more than just look at her. I was happy to be close but all I wanted to do was see her and hold her and kiss her and when I finally could I had to wait. Mom said I can't hold her for the whole 2 hours because then she will always want to be held and I'm not the one that has to deal with the baby crying all of the time. I kind of understand but I only get two hours and she is sleeping most of that time. Maybe not a big deal but I thought my time was my time. Since then she has been a little more active so I can play with her on the play mat when she is awake but I do hold her still the rest of the time. I dunno. I guess just want opinions on what I should do.

 

[ecmst12]

You can parent your way and mom can parent her way. It will do absolutely NO harm to a newborn to hold it all the time. In fact it will help her form closer bonds with her caretakers. I can understand mom not wanting to wake up a sleeping baby, but your visitation time is yours alone. Once you have your court order, you will be able to take the child with you for your visits. Meantime, ask mom nicely to back off and let you have your time, take a nap, go shopping, whatever she wants to do.

 

[Nicaho]

OP? I get that you believe this is your child, and that you want to be an active father and important role model in your child's life.

HOWEVER, what you're not seeming to be ok with, or even really grasping is that the child's relationship with mom's significant other is also going to be significant. Why? Because almost invariably, that person is going to spend more time with your child and have more access to your child than you will EVER have.

Yes, he'll not be allowed to make LEGAL decisions for the child (not any more than Mom expressly allows him, anyway), and he'll never be her FATHER, but he (whomever HE is, and regardless of how often the HE changes) will still be the person who is there with the child/mother whenever the court has not decreed that YOU can be.

(Of course, this is barring a complete custody turnover to YOU, but that does not seem to be your goal)

But I do get and understand that. What is not coming off is that mom could care less about me bonding with the baby. Sure she is letting me see her and most of the time under her watchful eye. She wouldn't care if I was in the childs life as long as support was coming in. She almost seems to mock me when I talk about having a bond with the baby. The bf wants to be referred to as dad and mom is more than willing to do this as she has with her son. I know she is too young to realize a big difference right now but 3 years from now it is going to be the same when it does have an affect. Now if my daughter chooses to call him dad one day I would be ok with that but not with them pushing it on her.

 

[happybug]

A newborn can't be spoiled by holding it too much and I think mom is being a bit rigid on that. However, I will have to agree with waking a sleeping baby. Newborns sleep a lot because that is what they need. Even a full time parent does not get much awake time with a newborn. You are a parent and your job is to make choices based on what is best for your child. Waking a newborn to provide entertainment for an adult is not the best choice for the child. If your child is sleeping, leave her be. She will be awake soon enough.

 

[Nicaho]

A newborn can't be spoiled by holding it too much and I think mom is being a bit rigid on that. However, I will have to agree with waking a sleeping baby. Newborns sleep a lot because that is what they need. Even a full time parent does not get much awake time with a newborn. You are a parent and your job is to make choices based on what is best for your child. Waking a newborn to provide entertainment for an adult is not the best choice for the child. If your child is sleeping, leave her be. She will be awake soon enough.

Well she sleeps most of the time I am there so it could be the whole time waiting for her to wake. Usually she is awake because mom feeds her right before I get there but then back to sleep shortly after. It is possible to pick up and hold a baby without waking and if she did wake she would probably fall right back asleep. But wanting to hold her was not for entertainment purpose. I love it when she is wide eyed and awake but I also love to just hold her and stare in wonderment. And that's what I did in the chair next to the swing for 20 minutes but just not the same as going two days without seeing and just wanting to touch her. I didn't make a big deal of it to mom or even mention that I was upset that I couldn't hold her right away. I was just asking if leaving her be was the best thing to do. Thanks for the advice

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you. I understand what you are saying. I'm pretty much in this whole situation all by myself. I take what you all say and try to go from there. Just like the staying the night at the hospital. In my head I thought it was the best and right thing to do. Not until I heard from people on this forum that I changed my POV and in the end I made the right decision. I don't know that I push too hard. I only push for what I think is fair from what I read here and other sources. But I guess even that may come off too pushy so I will try to be more careful in the future.

Can I get your opinion on this: Last week I went over after going two days without seeing the baby. When I got into her house the baby was sleeping in the swing. She told me not to touch her and not to even talk to her to wake her. It was 20 minutes before I was able to do more than just look at her. I was happy to be close but all I wanted to do was see her and hold her and kiss her and when I finally could I had to wait. Mom said I can't hold her for the whole 2 hours because then she will always want to be held and I'm not the one that has to deal with the baby crying all of the time. I kind of understand but I only get two hours and she is sleeping most of that time. Maybe not a big deal but I thought my time was my time. Since then she has been a little more active so I can play with her on the play mat when she is awake but I do hold her still the rest of the time. I dunno. I guess just want opinions on what I should do.

Mom is right to a great extent. You should not wake up a sleeping baby. In particular newborns should not be awakened for the benefit of the adults in the child's life. Babies sleep when they need to sleep and can be very difficult to deal with when they don't get to sleep when they need to sleep.

Its also true that babies should not necessarily be held all the time...and if your daughter gets used to you always holding her all of the time, then that could really come back to bite you in the butt when you start having her on your own. You will discover, once you start having her on your own that you CANNOT hold her all the time. If she associates your touch and smell with someone who will hold her all the time, you could be setting yourself up for trouble. Grandparents often end up with that problem.

 

[happybug]

Your post said you "stopped by", did mom know when you would be arriving? Your best bet is talking to mom. Try and schedule your visits around the baby's feeding schedule. If you can plan to arrive before a scheduled meal, the baby will likely be awake and you can feed burp and change her before she goes back to sleep. Tell mom you really want to hold the baby and ask her ( very nicely ) to not have the baby in the swing when you arrive. Your best bet here is through communication with mom. Especially, when you are in a position that mom doesn't HAVE to allow any visits. Although, even when you have court ordered time, good communication between you and mom will always be in your daughter's best interest.

 

[Nicaho]

Your post said you "stopped by", did mom know when you would be arriving? Your best bet is talking to mom. Try and schedule your visits around the baby's feeding schedule. If you can plan to arrive before a scheduled meal, the baby will likely be awake and you can feed burp and change her before she goes back to sleep. Tell mom you really want to hold the baby and ask her ( very nicely ) to not have the baby in the swing when you arrive. Your best bet here is through communication with mom. Especially, when you are in a position that mom doesn't HAVE to allow any visits. Although, even when you have court ordered time, good communication between you and mom will always be in your daughter's best interest.

It did not say I stopped by. Just that I went over (for my scheduled visit). It was only that one time so no big deal. Most of my visits mom ended up feeding during as well. The lil girl was eating every hour! She is now wanting every two and mom is tying for 2 1/2. So the past 2 visits she has not fed while I was there. That took away 20 or so minutes of my time but I didn't push for more than the 2 hrs I was there.

***@LdiJ -- that make perfect sense to me! That's why I come here for advice. Thank you!!

 

[CJane]

You can parent your way and mom can parent her way. It will do absolutely NO harm to a newborn to hold it all the time. In fact it will help her form closer bonds with her caretakers. I can understand mom not wanting to wake up a sleeping baby, but your visitation time is yours alone. Once you have your court order, you will be able to take the child with you for your visits. Meantime, ask mom nicely to back off and let you have your time, take a nap, go shopping, whatever she wants to do.

I wholeheartedly disagree.

When it IS his time, and he IS allowed (by the court) to take the child with him, he can parent his way.

But while he's in MOM'S house and only by MOM'S grace, he has no right to tell her to back off or leave HER house.

Quickest way for Mom to say "ya know what? Get out. We'll see you again when the court says we have to" is for Potential-Dad to start telling her how to parent the child that SHE spends 24/7 with and HE spends around 6 hours/week with.

 

[ecmst12]

Which is why I said he should ask NICELY. Not order or demand.

 

[LdiJ]

Which is why I said he should ask NICELY. Not order or demand.

Perhaps even better, instead of ASKING or demanding, would be to offer.

"If you would like to take a nap or run errands that's ok with me. I know it must be hard to get time to do things like that with a baby".