Visitation interfering with children's sports

[mmattox]

What is the name of your state? Nebraska

My ex has visitation next summer from July 7th thru August 15th. He resides in another state. My daughters want to play softball, which the season ends mid July. My oldest daughter wants to try out for her high school varsity softball team next year, so she needs to play on a summer team so that she can get the coaching and playing time she needs. The visitation will have to be reduced by at least one week for the girls to finish the softball season. I have offered to give my ex 3 extra days at Thanksgiving to help make up the week lost. His only holiday visitation this year is one weekend per holiday, which he will not use because he will not pay for airfare for only two or three days. So, as of right now, he will not see them at all for the holidays unless he takes my offer. With the extra three days I am offering, he can have the girls for five days instead of two, but he still feels that the airfare is too much money to pay for less than a week. He wants them during the Christmas break for 8 days starting the day after Christmas, instead of Thanksgiving. My oldest daughter already has a prior committment to work that week after Christmas, and she does not want to be with her Dad for New Year's Eve, as she was last year. She is 16 and wants to spend it with her friends. She is at that age where she feels that she misses out on a lot of time with her friends because she has to go to her Dad's every summer and during the holidays. Do I stand on my offer for Thanksgiving in return for letting the girls play softball, and reducing his summer visitation? Or, do I make my daughters go to their Dad's for Christmas in exchange for his agreement on reducing his summer visitation? I have offered, in the past, to give him extra time during the summer at two different times, but he will not pay to fly the girls a second time. I pay my share of the airfare also, so I am only asking him to pay his portion, not all of the airfare.

 

[stealth2]

Unless the visitation order is modified - THAT is what you stand on and follow. You don't get to unilaterally change it.

(edit) To add... If he agrees to make a change, then it's between you and him - and you make it plain to the girls that it's the compromise to get to do what they want wrt softball. You could also consider sweetening the pot to offer to pay for the Thanksgiving trip yourself.

 

[kcs00]

their sports have nothing to do with visitation. If he wants, they cant do it on his time. How would you feel if he enrolled them in something then called you and said they wont be back when you are expecting them, they have other things going on. He doesnt have to change a thing to accomdate you. You sould feel bad suggesting he do

 

[CJane]

When does school start? I'm guessing the end of August/beginning of September... so why not just offer dad an extra week @ the end of his summer visitation instead of trying to shift all that other stuff around? If he doesn't agree, you need to follow the court order and tell your daughters to suck it up. If they miss a week of softball, they're missing what 2 games? Not exactly a 'career ender'.

 

[LdiJ]

What about Spring Break? Whose turn is it to have Spring Break this year?...that might be an opportunity for compromise.

 

[bononos]

How was this distance created in the first place?
Did you or he move?
Well, you've got to give alot to get a little.
Your offering less to get what you and your daughter want.
What is more important?
You claim softball is so important to take a week of Dad's time away, but, oh my gosh, 8 whole days after Christmas!!!!???? How dare he request that!
It's a very reasonable request and switch of visitation time on both parts.
An extra week in the summer so she can finish her season, an extra week on Christmas break to make-up Dad's time.
Fair is fair!

 

[VeronicaGia]

"Visitation interfering with children's sports"

You've got this wrong. The children's sports are interfering with dads court ordered visitation time, not the other way around. The court order is there for a reason, and unless you want to spend your time in front of a judge, I'd suggest you make sure the kids know that there are consequences to be paid when a court order is ignored.

 

[mmattox]

Children's Sports

their sports have nothing to do with visitation. If he wants, they cant do it on his time. How would you feel if he enrolled them in something then called you and said they wont be back when you are expecting them, they have other things going on. He doesnt have to change a thing to accomdate you. You sould feel bad suggesting he do

Why should I feel bad suggesting that we change visitation for our kids? We both played sports when we were kids, and they should have the same opportunities. Besides, I have been on the other side of visitation issues with my ex. I have given up my holidays and given him extra time with the girls for his benefit and theirs, only to have him turn around and go back on agreements that we made for visitation that would be in the best interest of our daughters, such as them not traveling on Christmas Day. He had them for Christmas 3 years in a row because I had given up my Christmas so the girls would not have to be on the road for 3 hours that morning, but he renigged the next year when it was his turn to do the same, and made them make the drive that Christmas morning. I have always let him see the girls whenever he wants if we could accomodate it. I have never restricted him to court ordered visitation only. As a matter of fact, most of our disagreements have been because he does not spend enough time with our daughters. When he has other things he would rather do, he does not take visitation. He does not make an effort to see our daughters any other time except for summer and Christmas. He did take Spring Break for the first time last year, which only came after I pointed out that seeing his daughters twice a year is not enough, and that was why they were not close to him any more.
Do not automatically assume that I am one of those Mothers that tries to keep her children's Father from seeing them. I am only trying to do what is right for my girls. I will make up the time with him. He is just selfish with his schedule, and what is good for him.

 

[mmattox]

children's sports

When does school start? I'm guessing the end of August/beginning of September... so why not just offer dad an extra week @ the end of his summer visitation instead of trying to shift all that other stuff around? If he doesn't agree, you need to follow the court order and tell your daughters to suck it up. If they miss a week of softball, they're missing what 2 games? Not exactly a 'career ender'.

I am giving him as much time as I can before they have to be back for school. I am willing to give him any extra time I can. I do not stick to the court ordered visitation. The only thing I try to do is allow my girls to have a normal life and be able to do things that their Father and I did as kids. They cannot play on these competitive teams at all if they cannot be there until the end of the season, so we do not have the choice of missing a couple of games. That week is when they would go to the state softball tournament. He could see them more than he does; he chooses not to either because he does not want to spend the money or because it interferes with things in his personal life.

 

[mmattox]

children's sports

What about Spring Break? Whose turn is it to have Spring Break this year?...that might be an opportunity for compromise.

Thank you for the suggestion. He does have spring break and has only taken them once during spring break throughout the 7 years that we have been divorced. I am willing to accomodate extra time for him with the girls anytime I can.

 

[mmattox]

children's sports

How was this distance created in the first place?
Did you or he move?
Well, you've got to give alot to get a little.
Your offering less to get what you and your daughter want.
What is more important?
You claim softball is so important to take a week of Dad's time away, but, oh my gosh, 8 whole days after Christmas!!!!???? How dare he request that!
It's a very reasonable request and switch of visitation time on both parts.
An extra week in the summer so she can finish her season, an extra week on Christmas break to make-up Dad's time.
Fair is fair!

He is in the military, and moves every 3 years. "Fair" is not in my ex's vocabulary. I do give a lot. I don't stick to court ordered visitation. I accomodate him whenever I can. This year just happens to be the first time that my girls do not want to go with their Dad during the week after Christmas because they have specific committments and plans. They made those plans because they knew that week was mine. They have spent the last two years with their Father during that week. By his choice, he only sees the girls during the summer and at Christmas. He did take spring break last year for the first time in 7 years, only after I had pushed him to spend more time with our daughters. I have given him extra time on several occassions for his benefit and the girls. Do not assume that he is fair. He has renigged on several visitation agreements and not kept his end of the bargain in the past after I had already fulfilled my end of the bargain. He has plenty of other opportunities to see these girls, but chooses not to, so he is not exactly the "model" Father. I am only trying to allow my daughters a normal life, so don't judge so harshly until you know the whole story.

 

[mmattox]

children's sports

"Visitation interfering with children's sports"

You've got this wrong. The children's sports are interfering with dads court ordered visitation time, not the other way around. The court order is there for a reason, and unless you want to spend your time in front of a judge, I'd suggest you make sure the kids know that there are consequences to be paid when a court order is ignored.

Dad does not exercise even half of his visitation, and I have explained to my daughters the consequences. Someone needs to explain to my ex that parents should put their children's best interest first. I do not stick to court ordered visitation. Instead, I accomodate him whenever I can. He chooses not to see his daughters if it is going to interfere with his personal life, or if he has to spend money to fly them, which his job (military) is the reason that we do not live in the same state. So, I do not understand why he cannot work with us to allow our daughters a normal life. They come second to everything in his life.

 

[stealth2]

The law can't make him nicer or more concerned or involved. He is well within his rights to refuse your request. Which is why you may have to suck it up and sweeten the deal for him.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Offer to pay for all of the transportation at Thanksgiving not just 1/2, but that is still not making up all the time so give him the rest at Christams and pay for that transportation also and then your daughter will stil; be home for New Years's. Do you know what 16 yo want to do with friends for New Year's? When you find out, you may want her with dad! You are too quick to defend yourself rather than provide the facts and you apparently you still want to rule the roost, but dad has rights that are for the best interest of the children and you are interfering with that. Not doubt wou will still have defenses

 

[mmattox]

children's sports

The law can't make him nicer or more concerned or involved. He is well within his rights to refuse your request. Which is why you may have to suck it up and sweeten the deal for him.

Yes, thank you. I know you are right. I just hate that my girls are not allowed the normal childhood that we both had as kids. I am looking into "sweetening" the deal more for him, and hopefully make both him and the girls happy. My girls have said they will go at Christmas if he does not agree because they do not want him to take me to court.