Visitation Suggestions

[t74]

I believe men are more resistant to counseling - especially if the practitioner is a woman or younger than they are. It is important to find the "right" person for both individuals. It will take time and research.

 

[stealth2]

I believe men are more resistant to counseling - especially if the practitioner is a woman or younger than they are. It is important to find the "right" person for both individuals. It will take time and research.

Then it really should be up to Dad to find someone he's comfortable with.

 

[t74]

Then it really should be up to Dad to find someone he's comfortable with.

Mom and dad need to cooperate to find someone who relates to both dad and child. I was simply pointing out that from family experience men have a more difficult time finding a counselor they can relate to especially as they are in middle age. IMO, macho men have more difficulty admitting they need help and once they do have more difficulty finding perople they relate to than women in similar circumstances. Children have little control over the choice. So before criticizing a person for not engaging in counseling, it is important to understand the dynamics of the very personal preferences of those involved.

 

[AlmostThere]

It seems to me, that mom could leverage this into a win-win. You could offer the extra weekend he wants, provided that on his weekends, court ordered and the extras, the kids attend all their scouting, etc events, and they can participate in things with their friends as they would on your weekends.

As for mom's attitude of the child 'having to go to dad's' - at a certain point, it does not matter what mom's attitude is. Teens can figure things out for their selves.

 

[Zigner]

As for mom's attitude of the child 'having to go to dad's' - at a certain point, it does not matter what mom's attitude is. Teens can figure things out for their selves.

The custodial parent is supposed to attempt to foster the kids' relationship with the non custodial parent, not sabotage it.

 

[AlmostThere]

The custodial parent is supposed to attempt to foster the kids' relationship with the non custodial parent, not sabotage it.

At a certain point there is only so much the custodial parent can do. Despite every effort from the CP to foster a positive relationship, when the NCP treats the children badly, at some point the children figure out that they are being treated badly.

 

[LdiJ]

The custodial parent is supposed to attempt to foster the kids' relationship with the non custodial parent, not sabotage it.

There comes a point Zig, where all the "attempts to foster" in the world won't make a difference anymore. There comes a time in children's lives where they know what they know, and no platitudes by the other parent are going to change their mind.

My ex and our daughter had a wonderful relationship. We split up when she was 3 and until she was 12 she and her daddy had a great relationship. We all did. For me, it was like having another brother. Then he moved away for business reasons and slowly things eroded from there. Now my daughter is 31 and is lucky if she talks to her father once every 2 or 3 years. She has a brother she hasn't seen since he was a baby (he is 18 or 19 now) and my ex only saw my granddaughter once when she was 2 (she is 13 now) and has never met my grandson.

When they do speak there is no hostility or anything, there is just no relationship there. It makes me very sad. However, I will never take the blame for it. Yes, I did quit trying to pretend with her about her father when she was a teenager but I never bad mouthed him either. I just kept my mouth shut.

 

[Zigner]

At a certain point there is only so much the custodial parent can do. Despite every effort from the CP to foster a positive relationship, when the NCP treats the children badly, at some point the children figure out that they are being treated badly.

What's your point? The PARENT should not be denigrating the other PARENT.

 

[Zigner]

There comes a point Zig, where all the "attempts to foster" in the world won't make a difference anymore.

I wasn't addressing that. I was addressing the parent's role in this.

 

[AlmostThere]

What's your point? The PARENT should not be denigrating the other PARENT.

The point is, that not every case where a child does not like the other parent, does not want to see the other parent, etc includes one parent denigrating the other. It feels as if there is an automatic assumption on Free Advice, that the moment a child does not want to see one parent, that the other parents is at fault. By a certain age, kids are able to form their own opinions, and decide who they like and don't like.

I have not said that a child gets to choose if they want to see the less liked parent. But young adult children have their opinions, wishes and desires.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

The point is, that not every case where a child does not like the other parent, does not want to see the other parent, etc includes one parent denigrating the other. It feels as if there is an automatic assumption on Free Advice, that the moment a child does not want to see one parent, that the other parents is at fault. By a certain age, kids are able to form their own opinions, and decide who they like and don't like.

I have not said that a child gets to choose if they want to see the less liked parent. But young adult children have their opinions, wishes and desires.

And when they communicate those opinions, wishes, and desires to the "liked parent" the "liked parent" should do everything in their power to change those opinions, wishes, and desires in the mind of the child.

 

[AlmostThere]

And when they communicate those opinions, wishes, and desires to the "liked parent" the "liked parent" should do everything in their power to change those opinions, wishes, and desires in the mind of the child.

I am sorry, but that is wrong. If the child has very valid reasons to dislike the other parent, it would be harmful to tell the child their opinion is wrong. When a child is mistreated, abandoned, told they are worthless, etc, that child has every right to dislike that parent. It is bad enough that the child does not have enough of a voice to stop the visitations, they should not be told their opinions are wrong are don't count.

They should be brought to counselling to help develop better coping skills, but that is not going to change the child's opinions.

If both parents were responsible, reasonable, capable, loving parents then I would agree with your approach. But unfortunately, way too often that is not the case.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

I am sorry, but that is wrong. If the child has very valid reasons to dislike the other parent, it would be harmful to tell the child their opinion is wrong. When a child is mistreated, abandoned, told they are worthless, etc, that child has every right to dislike that parent. It is bad enough that the child does not have enough of a voice to stop the visitations, they should not be told their opinions are wrong are don't count.

They should be brought to counselling to help develop better coping skills, but that is not going to change the child's opinions.

If both parents were responsible, reasonable, capable, loving parents then I would agree with your approach. But unfortunately, way too often that is not the case.

But none of that was posted by the OP. If those things are happening there are steps that should be taken.

 

[LdiJ]

The point is, that not every case where a child does not like the other parent, does not want to see the other parent, etc includes one parent denigrating the other. It feels as if there is an automatic assumption on Free Advice, that the moment a child does not want to see one parent, that the other parents is at fault. By a certain age, kids are able to form their own opinions, and decide who they like and don't like.

I have not said that a child gets to choose if they want to see the less liked parent. But young adult children have their opinions, wishes and desires.

You are correct that there is a prevailing assumption, on the part of some members only, that the only reason a child doesn't like the other parent is because the custodial parents is not doing their job in encouraging the relationship. Those people do not seem to believe that children are incapable of formulating opinions of their own.

 

[Zigner]

You are correct that there is a prevailing assumption, on the part of some members only, that the only reason a child doesn't like the other parent is because the custodial parents is not doing their job in encouraging the relationship. Those people do not seem to believe that children are incapable of formulating opinions of their own.

Who are those members? Who EVER said "...the only reason a child doesn't like the other parent is because the custodial parents is not doing their job in encouraging the relationship."? Really, please point out a post...any post...where a member (aside, possibly, from a few newbies at some point in the past) has said that.