13 year old son doesn't want to visit Dad

[mammyelizabeth]

Thank you so much for the reply from someone who understands what my son is going through. Everything you wrote is exactly how the father is and behaves. You probably know this, but very few people really understand, since the father functions relatively normally in relationships that are not intimate. Unfortunately, even after the chancellor in court spoke of how much he despised dealing with people with NPD, he still felt that he deserved another chance to try to be a good parent. I think that momma tiger is correct, but I have been hopeful that someday (before he is 18) my son could have at least a little control over his life. Thanks, again, for what I am interpretting as your support.

 

[hmmbrdzz]

Jetx, I'm not worried that the husband is not suffering from NPD as the poster stated. We hear one-sided, obviously biased stories everytime we read a thread. I believe the poster, and I've based my post on the husband being narcissistic, and I've given the facts on NPD. This personality disorder is one of the most damaging exposures there is to children. It beats schizophrenia, paranoid schiz, bipolar, OCD, Muenchausens (it takes the cake). There is no good treatment for this personality disorder, and the person does not get better "with age".

It might take a whole lot of money and a good attorney; it might not. I don't know what has been presented in court regarding the father's history and current diagnosis, but a good attorney should be able to help, and a judge should be willing to talk to the child and also help. Personally, if I were in this predicament and couldn't get a judge to listen to me about a father diagnosed with NPD, and my child had already been abused and was still suffering because he/she didn't want to go see this sick-in-the-head father yet had to, I wouldn't mamby pamby around with this NPD father or the courts anymore if it meant I had to take some kind of drastic measure to safeguard my child. (That's not legal advice, though -- just personal feelings).

And to the poster -- hang in there.

hmmbrdzz

 

[stealth2]

Personally, if I were in this predicament and couldn't get a judge to listen to me about a father diagnosed with NPD, and my child had already been abused and was still suffering because he/she didn't want to go see this sick-in-the-head father yet had to, I wouldn't mamby pamby around with this NPD father or the courts anymore if it meant I had to take some kind of drastic measure to safeguard my child. (That's not legal advice, though -- just personal feelings).

And to the poster -- hang in there.

hmmbrdzz

Advice which could get the poster in a sh*tload of trouble. AND find the child in the father's custody in a heartbeat. Sometimes it's best to just keep quiet.

 

[hmmbrdzz]

Advice which could get the poster in a sh*tload of trouble. AND find the child in the father's custody in a heartbeat. Sometimes it's best to just keep quiet.

====================================

What do you mean "sometimes it's best just to keep quiet"? For who, and who is supposed to keep quiet? Her, or me ? If you would personally force your child to go for visitation to an abusive parent just because the judge said it had to be that way, then that's your way of accepting the unacceptable. It is not best to keep quiet and/or do nothing when your child is being abused.


hmmbrdzz

 

[stealth2]

====================================

What do you mean "sometimes it's best just to keep quiet"? For who, and who is supposed to keep quiet? Her, or me ? If you would personally force your child to go for visitation to an abusive parent just because the judge said it had to be that way, then that's your way of accepting the unacceptable. It is not best to keep quiet and/or do nothing when your child is being abused.


hmmbrdzz

You. Throwing that sort of advice around - *without* indicating what the repercussions could be (custody to the father w/nothing more than supervised visitation to Mom), is irresponsible at best.

 

[Tercr6]

At the very bottom of this page it states this pg is NOT to be used as a SUBSTITUTE for the advice and services of an attorney.
It is intended so persons with SIMULAR EXPERIENCE can post advice .
ORIGINAL POSTERS of Questions can SIMPLY be quoted these terms ,without members squabbling.
Thank You !!

Also under the terms of service members agreed on conduct,they should be read.

 

[stealth2]

At the very bottom of this page it states this pg is NOT to be used as a SUBSTITUTE for the advice and services of an attorney.
It is intended so persons with SIMULAR EXPERIENCE can post advice .
ORIGINAL POSTERS of Questions can SIMPLY be quoted these terms ,without members squabbling.
Thank You !!

Also under the terms of service members agreed on conduct,they should be read.

How about leaving it to the admins, eh?

 

[Tercr6]

I appoligize,I should have directed the quotes to the original poster(wich was my objective on advice), in the event they did not read it,and for the puposes of their Knowlege.
After reading members post, i agree that advice for someone to break the law ( that could land them in jail ),is not the right advise to give,therefore I was simply trying to REMIND the original poster these replies are ONLY ADVICE,and should not be construde as a SUBSTITUTE for attorneys' ADVICE.

 

[stealth2]

I appoligize,I should have directed the quotes to the original poster(wich was my objective on advice), in the event they did not read it,and for the puposes of their Knowlege.
After reading members post, i agree that advice for someone to break the law ( that could land them in jail ),is not the right advise to give,therefore I was simply trying to REMIND the original poster these replies are ONLY ADVICE,and should not be construde as a SUBSTITUTE for attorneys' ADVICE.

It's okay. I'm just still a little crabby after my run-in with the USPS yesterday. I mailed a letter to my ex certified last Monday giving my dates for summer - and the postal clerk didn't put the right paperwork down so it got returned to me yesterday for insufficient postage. And God forbid they might admit their mistake and send it Express w/o charging me for it. Sheesh!

 

[Tercr6]

I can understand crabby,when it comes to "family" legal matters.
I spent many many hrs. researching laws in my state on Custody,visitation,& support Laws for my issues,and had to tell my attorney the law,and when PROse it was even worse.The hearing officer wanted to screw me,but I had the LAWS in front of me ,so he had no choice to rule in my favor.
Mail Servise ?? huh you know the deal,sometimes it goes smooth,sometimes not. I am releived all mine are over and my kids are grown.

 

[stealth2]

yeah, such is life. And my lawyer left me a msg that she talked to his lawyer, but of course it was too late by the time I got the message to get hold of her. I hate waiting all w/e to know what's going on.

 

[hmmbrdzz]

You. Throwing that sort of advice around - *without* indicating what the repercussions could be (custody to the father w/nothing more than supervised visitation to Mom), is irresponsible at best.

I gave the facts of NPD, and I told this poster that the most responsible thing she could do was to attempt to severe any and all ties to him and gain full custody of her child with no visitation whatsoever to him. I also told her that with the history of abuse in the past and his current behavior and diagnosis that she should be able to get full custody with a good attorney. I also told her to go for it and not consider him or what she might be doing to the child in this fight, and that she would be doing the child a favor. Not to mention that this is good, solid advice, it was also written behind some notes that stated no facts on NPD.

On the heels of this advice I gave, you replied "Much easier said than done, as evidenced from OP's inability to even get visitation reduced. Since all of the above has already been presented in court, it can't be rehashed over and over and over." What do you mean by that statement, and with that statement -- what do you think this poster should do?



hmmbrdzz

 

[stealth2]

The salient point which you happened to leave out in your above post was this comment you made:

I wouldn't mamby pamby around with this NPD father or the courts anymore if it meant I had to take some kind of drastic measure to safeguard my child. (That's not legal advice, though -- just personal feelings).

DO YOU UNDERSTAND that those types of actions could leave the child living permanently with the (apparently) NPD father, with only supervised visitation to Mom? THAT sort of advice - without reminding her of the potential consequences - is irresponsible and I was frankly surprised to see it from you.

 

[hmmbrdzz]

The salient point which you happened to leave out in your above post was this comment you made:



DO YOU UNDERSTAND that those types of actions could leave the child living permanently with the (apparently) NPD father, with only supervised visitation to Mom? THAT sort of advice - without reminding her of the potential consequences - is irresponsible and I was frankly surprised to see it from you.

====================
OK, I will apologize for leaving the potential consequences out of following through with my personal opinion. I hope, though, that the poster understood that my "personal feelings" did not equate to "legal advice" or "irresponsible advice".

It is highly unlikely this father will ever get custody with the diagnosis of NPD and a good attorney. Other mental illnesses do not carry the high abuse rate that NPD does. Other mental illnesses are amenable to treatment. NPD is not. NPD is not a diagnosis given often nor without good evidence. Children suffer at the hands of the NPD parent -- always, and the sooner the child can be "safeguarded", the better the child's chances are of emotional recovery.



hmmbrdzz

 

[hexeliebe]

I have tried to stay out of this for the longest time but find myself having to offer an opinion as a father of two young girls who live with their mother.

What matters in this is not the child's wishes, your wishes or even the father's wishes, what matters is what the court orders. Those are the facts. If you want to have visitation changed you're going to have to do so through the court.

As for hearing only one side of the issue, that's also a fact. No matter what you say, it's Your opinion and your view. Not your son's (although you say it is that still doesn't make it so) not the court's and not your ex's.

I was also in the same situation you find yourself and the only way I could deal with it was to help my daughters deal with the situation, explain why things were the way they were and get them to counseling while they were with me.

That is the ONLY control over this situation you have at this point unless you get the visitation order changed, which is going to be very difficult.

My advice, and it's only that, is to use this situation with your ex as a learning tool for your son. Yes, he's only 13 but he's old enough to understand that your issues and those of your ex's are not his. He will have to deal with a lot of different people in his life and the sooner he learns how to cope the better decisions he'll make in the future.

of course you could always just hide him from the ex, but then your son may be visiting you in jail too. that's up to you. It seems to me from all this that you are concentrating on the ex and not the child. Now, maybe I'm wrong but if I am I'm not the one who's going to raise a dysfunctional child...you are.