long distance parenting plan?

[CourtClerk]

The only option in that scenario is for the mature parent to continue to be as mature as possible ALWAYS!

Which STILL allows for whenever to work.....

 

[Humusluvr]

I think it is commendabale for Humusluvr and her ex to be this amicable for the sake of their child. However, unless two co parents are really willing to work at things, the "whenever" visitation is a bad idea and leads to a lot of stress. OP, your relationship with the ex sounds contentious (as is the norm!), so a structured (and detailed) parenting plan is the way to go for you folks.

Here is why the "whenever" visitation works for us.

1. We don't hate each other.

2. If we were to put into writing, "dad will get kiddo on xx date and mom on xx date..." I know we would fight like cats and dogs. My ex has another visitation court order with his other kiddo, and the other mom is contstantly beefing at my ex because he never shows up on the right weekends, doesn't take half his visitation because something comes up, or whatever may be the case. I watched that through the blind eyes of our relationship, and him and his other ex used to fight and scream. Not healthy for the other kiddo. Made me so sad.

3. So, if we do "whenever" visitation, then I'm never mad, and kiddo is never dissappointed. Dad will be up "whenever he can." I know it won't be very often, so ANY visits are good visits. Of course, the more the better, but SOMETHING is better than nothing. And since our kiddo will never know it any other way, it will always work. I feel bad for kids who are old enough to know that one parent never takes the time to see them.

Of course, our way wouldn't work for everyone. But it's mature, we take care of business, and kiddo is happy. I always think it's best if the parents can agree on something, give and take, and try to do whats best for the kiddo. When the parents don't agre, that's when there is the courts...

 

[CourtClerk]

Here is why the "whenever" visitation works for us.

1. We don't hate each other.

2. If we were to put into writing, "dad will get kiddo on xx date and mom on xx date..." I know we would fight like cats and dogs. My ex has another visitation court order with his other kiddo, and the other mom is contstantly beefing at my ex because he never shows up on the right weekends, doesn't take half his visitation because something comes up, or whatever may be the case. I watched that through the blind eyes of our relationship, and him and his other ex used to fight and scream. Not healthy for the other kiddo. Made me so sad.

3. So, if we do "whenever" visitation, then I'm never mad, and kiddo is never dissappointed. Dad will be up "whenever he can." I know it won't be very often, so ANY visits are good visits. Of course, the more the better, but SOMETHING is better than nothing. And since our kiddo will never know it any other way, it will always work. I feel bad for kids who are old enough to know that one parent never takes the time to see them.

Of course, our way wouldn't work for everyone. But it's mature, we take care of business, and kiddo is happy. I always think it's best if the parents can agree on something, give and take, and try to do whats best for the kiddo. When the parents don't agre, that's when there is the courts...

Co-signed....vehemently

The man is long distance. Whenever is never going to equate to every day, unless he moves back closer to the kid. Therefore, WHENEVER he can make it to see said kiddo.... he should be allowed to do so, as long as kiddo isn't having brain surgery or with mom on a prepaid vacation. Everything else can be done some other day.

 

[Humusluvr]

Co-signed....vehemently

The man is long distance. Whenever is never going to equate to every day, unless he moves back closer to the kid. Therefore, WHENEVER he can make it to see said kiddo.... he should be allowed to do so, as long as kiddo isn't having brain surgery or with mom on a prepaid vacation. Everything else can be done some other day.

Shoot, he better be there if kiddo is having brain surgery! And if I get a vacation, I would ABSOLUTELY LOVE for dad to watch kiddo. Otherwise, I have to pay for a sitter. Dad has taken several vacations, and I could use one like a son-of-a-beach. Literally.

Seriously, with dad so far away, he can come have Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday, whatever he wants. I'll bake the turkey. And when someday, dad takes kiddo for those holidays, I may be a little sad, but I can make it up every other day. And it would be LOVELY to get to sleep in on Christmas.

 

[CourtClerk]

Shoot, he better be there if kiddo is having brain surgery! And if I get a vacation, I would ABSOLUTELY LOVE for dad to watch kiddo. Otherwise, I have to pay for a sitter. Dad has taken several vacations, and I could use one like a son-of-a-beach. Literally.

Seriously, with dad so far away, he can come have Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday, whatever he wants. I'll bake the turkey. And when someday, dad takes kiddo for those holidays, I may be a little sad, but I can make it up every other day. And it would be LOVELY to get to sleep in on Christmas.

I guess the whole brain surgery thing was a bad idea... but you get the picture. I just don't get why people can't just let. it. go.

 

[Isis1]

I guess the whole brain surgery thing was a bad idea... but you get the picture. I just don't get why people can't just let. it. go.

self esteem. approval of someone else. the need to constantly remind everyone around them that they hate that other person.to prove to themselves that it's over. and they will never go back. and in the meantime, it's the children that get reminded on a daily basis that mommy and daddy hate each other.

 

[CourtClerk]

self esteem. approval of someone else. the need to constantly remind everyone around them that they hate that other person.to prove to themselves that it's over. and they will never go back. and in the meantime, it's the children that get reminded on a daily basis that mommy and daddy hate each other.

Uhhh... you wanna add anything else to the list? You forgot control freak.

 

[Humusluvr]

self esteem. approval of someone else. the need to constantly remind everyone around them that they hate that other person.to prove to themselves that it's over. and they will never go back. and in the meantime, it's the children that get reminded on a daily basis that mommy and daddy hate each other.

I think it's a control issue. One parent tries to prove they are right and the other is wrong.

Also, safety issues (or perceived safety issues). Some moms DO NOT BELIEVE that dad can take care of himself, much less a kid. Or that dad will injure the kid.

Some dads believe theri new GF/stepmommy is WAY better than "old mommy." And many times, it's the stepmonster pulling the strings, the ones dad won't pull on his own.

I'm lucky I don't have any of those issues. The fact that dad can't keep his "hands" to himself does not affect how we parent the kiddo. And thankfully, his wanderings are no longer my problem.

 

[CourtClerk]

Also, safety issues (or perceived safety issues). Some moms DO NOT BELIEVE that dad can take care of himself, much less a kid.

Which I suppose was a quality she found so irresistable that instead of running in the other direction - she spread her legs to him instead (probably multiple times).

Some dads believe theri new GF/stepmommy is WAY better than "old mommy." And many times, it's the stepmonster pulling the strings, the ones dad won't pull on his own.

Which means that generally before it was the new stepmonter pulling the strings, it was the ex. However, if he was a wuss when he was with you, he'll continue to be a wuss with the next one. In fact, his wussiness was what attracted them in the first place and instead of running in the other direction from a man who cannot make his own decisions, tell a woman to mind her business and stay in her place and handle his own business.... she spread them for him (probably multiple times).

 

[Humusluvr]

Which I suppose was a quality she found so irresistable that instead of running in the other direction - she spread her legs to him instead (probably multiple times).

Which means that generally before it was the new stepmonter pulling the strings, it was the ex. However, if he was a wuss when he was with you, he'll continue to be a wuss with the next one. In fact, his wussiness was what attracted them in the first place and instead of running in the other direction from a man who cannot make his own decisions, tell a woman to mind her business and stay in her place and handle his own business.... she spread them for him (probably multiple times).

I was talking in general. Not to this specific poster.

 

[CourtClerk]

I was talking in general. Not to this specific poster.

I realize that. So was I.

 

[Isis1]

Uhhh... you wanna add anything else to the list? You forgot control freak.

i think it can be the issue. for some. but sometimes not all. for me, it never was control of the other person. it was making sure he knew i hated him. it was making sure everyone around me knew i hated him. for what he did to me. it can be construed as control. but in the end, that's not what my problem was. and in reality, i don't think it's really what is the NCP's problem. it's a neverending cycle, of miscommunication. once one of the parents stop trying to one up the other, eventually, it stops being a battle. but someone has to make the first step. and the second, and the third.... someone has to stop the constant battle of retaliation. even if the other parent continues for years afterwards.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

I think it's a control issue. One parent tries to prove they are right and the other is wrong.

Also, safety issues (or perceived safety issues). Some moms DO NOT BELIEVE that dad can take care of himself, much less a kid. Or that dad will injure the kid.

He's proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he doesn't know what to do with a child and doesn't WANT to take care of a child... not that he can't take care of himself! Its sheer laziness that stops him!

Some dads believe theri new GF/stepmommy is WAY better than "old mommy." And many times, it's the stepmonster pulling the strings, the ones dad won't pull on his own.

Uh, you could say that.

I'm lucky I don't have any of those issues. The fact that dad can't keep his "hands" to himself does not affect how we parent the kiddo. And thankfully, his wanderings are no longer my problem.

Nope not my problem either.

Having said that, all I can say is that its nice to see that all of this boils down to who spread their legs for who, not who loved who and thought through the "relationship blinders" that I saw earlier didn't stop to verify stories. So the end result is that the single mom who is just trying to make things work is a slut and the dad, yet again... off scott free to chase his nether regions to "greener pastures" without anyone holding HIM accountable for HIS choice to lay down with someone HE had no intention on staying with.

Thanks for the support.

 

[Isis1]

I think it's a control issue. One parent tries to prove they are right and the other is wrong.

Also, safety issues (or perceived safety issues). Some moms DO NOT BELIEVE that dad can take care of himself, much less a kid. Or that dad will injure the kid.

Some dads believe theri new GF/stepmommy is WAY better than "old mommy." And many times, it's the stepmonster pulling the strings, the ones dad won't pull on his own.

I'm lucky I don't have any of those issues. The fact that dad can't keep his "hands" to himself does not affect how we parent the kiddo. And thankfully, his wanderings are no longer my problem.

same goes for mommys with stepdaddys. i've had to roll my eyes at my own husband a few times. he doesn't like it, but he isn't the one that gets to make the call for those decisions.

 

[Humusluvr]

Nope not my problem either.

Having said that, all I can say is that its nice to see that all of this boils down to who spread their legs for who, not who loved who and thought through the "relationship blinders" that I saw earlier didn't stop to verify stories. So the end result is that the single mom who is just trying to make things work is a slut and the dad, yet again... off scott free to chase his nether regions to "greener pastures" without anyone holding HIM accountable for HIS choice to lay down with someone HE had no intention on staying with.

Thanks for the support.

Hey, I WAS being supportive. We were just talking in general. Go back and read, the comments were not aimed at you, I thought I made that clear.

We were talking about how IN GENERAL, people cannot work together and why. NOT ABOUT YOU.

I can totally get being lied to and not seeing the whole pic in a relationship. But now that the relationship is over, it should be all about the kid. That was my original point, in talking about coparenting.