My 13 year old does not want to visit me for Christmas

[3Weymouthgirls]

Out of site out of mind

Yep - you answered my question, which verified that it is actually your holiday. Something which was not 100% clear prior to that.

And unless you physically attempt to enforce visitation? Your ex may not be found in contempt. If YOU can't physically force the brat (and yes, at this point, she qualifies as a brat), what makes you think Mom can?

I'll tell you - my two are 18 and nearly 16. There is no question of who has authority in this house. OR their father's. And it sure as heck ain't the 18 and 16yo kids. I don't have to physically force my kids to do squat. I tell them what I expect, and any hesitation or back talk gets "the look". End of story. Parents rule. That you and Mom can't get a 13yo to do as she's told? Says more about the both of you than the kid. So yeah - way to go.

Stealth with all due respect I have told her that she is going to be here end of story. Letting her also know it is not her choice. In the 3 years I have been in NC I have had my daughter for exactly 21 days. While I call her and attempt to speak with her weekly I am located in NC and she is in MA. I have refrained from badmouthing the mother but as I said there is underlying issues that I have refrained from getting into. Bottom line I have been as forceful as possible over the phone with both mother and daughter and as responsible as a parent can be while being located out of state. The mother is not in contempt unless the visit doesn't happen by then it's to late. The court system in MA like most does not favor the father. I want to fight but at the same time it seems futile and a no win situation.

 

[Isis1]

Stealth with all due respect I have told her that she is going to be here end of story. Letting her also know it is not her choice. In the 3 years I have been in NC I have had my daughter for exactly 21 days. While I call her and attempt to speak with her weekly I am located in NC and she is in MA. I have refrained from badmouthing the mother but as I said there is underlying issues that I have refrained from getting into. Bottom line I have been as forceful as possible over the phone with both mother and daughter and as responsible as a parent can be while being located out of state. The mother is not in contempt unless the visit doesn't happen by then it's to late. The court system in MA like most does not favor the father. I want to fight but at the same time it seems futile and a no win situation.

oy! dad. this is a follow through problem on your part. the FIRST time mom is in contempt, you take her to court. you request that mom be fined appropriately. you request mom cover fees and court costs associated with having to file contempt on her.

when mom does this again...you take her back to court again and follow the above steps.

and then when she does it again.....you follow through.

you have to keep at it. it's not a quick fix.

 

[liandrajade]

now cant this be considered a case of parental alienation if the OP can show enough proof or evidence? shouldnt he just file contempt or file for modification or something to show that the CP is trying to get his daughter to not be around him?

i would actually like to know WHY the 13 yr old is saying she doesnt want to go, why all of a sudden if your visits with her have been "So Good" what has changed that is making her not want to go?...and isnt mom responsible for making sure that she has her child follow the court order? i know here in NY, i cant just say my child doesnt want to see her father, thats not an excuse and it can be used for grounds to file for contempt if the father is missing his court ordered time....i have to agree with isis1, b/c if you dont put your foot down, she will keep doing it and doing it over and over again....my ex took me to court 3 times to get more visitation time or to get it modified and guess what?...he got it...dont assume you are going to lose anything until you try.....

 

[Isis1]

now cant this be considered a case of parental alienation if the OP can show enough proof or evidence? shouldnt he just file contempt or file for modification or something to show that the CP is trying to get his daughter to not be around him?

i would actually like to know WHY the 13 yr old is saying she doesnt want to go, why all of a sudden if your visits with her have been "So Good" what has changed that is making her not want to go?...and isnt mom responsible for making sure that she has her child follow the court order? i know here in NY, i cant just say my child doesnt want to see her father, thats not an excuse and it can be used for grounds to file for contempt if the father is missing his court ordered time....

this has to be something OP has to do. like family counseling. he has to be proactive about it. filing contempt on mom would cover that if it's done repeatedly. the fact that dad is allowing this behavior to continue, means he's supporting it.

 

[Zigner]

Stealth with all due respect I have told her that she is going to be here end of story. Letting her also know it is not her choice. In the 3 years I have been in NC I have had my daughter for exactly 21 days. While I call her and attempt to speak with her weekly I am located in NC and she is in MA. I have refrained from badmouthing the mother but as I said there is underlying issues that I have refrained from getting into. Bottom line I have been as forceful as possible over the phone with both mother and daughter and as responsible as a parent can be while being located out of state. The mother is not in contempt unless the visit doesn't happen by then it's to late. The court system in MA like most does not favor the father. I want to fight but at the same time it seems futile and a no win situation.

1) YOU created the distance. Don't whine about it now.
2) The court system doesn't favor the mother OR the father. It favors the child.

Once you have those two concepts firmly embedded, you will do better.

 

[liandrajade]

this has to be something OP has to do. like family counseling. he has to be proactive about it. filing contempt on mom would cover that if it's done repeatedly. the fact that dad is allowing this behavior to continue, means he's supporting it.

i agree, pretty much b/c once you go to court to hear evidence about contempt of court order, its not to be taken lightly and the CP can be hit with fines, jail time, a change in custody if she is found guilty, its no joke....

 

[stealth2]

i agree, pretty much b/c once you go to court to hear evidence about contempt of court order, its not to be taken lightly and the CP can be hit with fines, jail time, a change in custody if she is found guilty, its no joke....

Yah but... Dad has been all lah-di-dah about it up to now. So past "transgressions" that he's done nothing about are moot.

Both Mom and Dad have created this problem. Both should own up to it. Dad seems to think it's all on Mom that the kid is a brat.

 

[3Weymouthgirls]

Reaction

What was your legal action immediately following this, and what was the result?

Nonsense. It's exactly the same.
Child does not want to do something. Parent requires Child to do it.

I realize you need Mom's help to do some of the disciplining in this situation. Make sure your attorney -- or your next attorney -- grasps that fact firmly.

However, some of the parenting failures here are yours. Read some parenting books on dealing with/disciplining teens/tweens. Do it now, or you will lose the whole war.

Contacted Lawyer, Lawyer needed $1500 Father had already spent savings fighting for visitation modification and had exhausted all funds ($15000 plus in total). My assets are few while I have depleted all of my savings beating myself up trying to fight for my parental rights. According to lawyer there is no guarantee the judge would find MA parent in contempt since 11 year old had to be removed from the airplane. I have 2 other children that I am the father of and need to make sure I can provide for them as well. I take my responsibility as a parent very serious and always try to do the right thing.

Good advice on the next lawyer have already made a couple of calls.

We will continue to disagree on what is the same analogy.

Thanks for the advice on the books. I have read a few on dealing with children concerning divorce and also was required to take a parenting class prior to the divorce and always took the advice of that the parents have to work together on my end yet know the ex has not done the same.

 

[CJane]

Kiddo is 13. She's not saying she won't visit Dad, she's saying she doesn't want to be there on Christmas morning. While everyone is right and it shouldn't be up to the kid, I totally get that it's impossible to force a p*ssed off teenager into a car, and it's unlikely, if Mom is encouraging child to go (and can convince a judge of that) that Mom would be found in contempt for this situation.

Yes, there's an order, and yes, it should be followed. But it looks like if Dad totally stands his ground on this particular day, he's going to damage his relationship with his child even more. I'm certain that's not what he wants.

 

[3Weymouthgirls]

Whine and Cheese

1) YOU created the distance. Don't whine about it now.
2) The court system doesn't favor the mother OR the father. It favors the child.

Once you have those two concepts firmly embedded, you will do better.

1) Job took me out of state not whining about it but it has affected my relationship When I first went to court to modify visitation the ex had my daughter seeing a therapist (which she later changed once the therapist wouldn't do what she asked) I went from seeing my daughter 2 times a week every week to 5 months later the mother claiming my daughter was fearful of the dad. Judge did not buy any of it. If anything my lawyer probably wasn't the most affective unfortunately for me.

2) Apparently you have not been in the MA court system

 

[Silverplum]

1) Job took me out of state not whining about it but it has affected my relationship When I first went to court to modify visitation the ex had my daughter seeing a therapist (which she later changed once the therapist wouldn't do what she asked) I went from seeing my daughter 2 times a week every week to 5 months later the mother claiming my daughter was fearful of the dad. Judge did not buy any of it. If anything my lawyer probably wasn't the most affective unfortunately for me.

2) Apparently you have not been in the MA court system

Jobs are jobs. Children are irreplaceable.

You make your choices, you take your chances.

 

[3Weymouthgirls]

Someone who gets it

Kiddo is 13. She's not saying she won't visit Dad, she's saying she doesn't want to be there on Christmas morning. While everyone is right and it shouldn't be up to the kid, I totally get that it's impossible to force a p*ssed off teenager into a car, and it's unlikely, if Mom is encouraging child to go (and can convince a judge of that) that Mom would be found in contempt for this situation.

Yes, there's an order, and yes, it should be followed. But it looks like if Dad totally stands his ground on this particular day, he's going to damage his relationship with his child even more. I'm certain that's not what he wants.

Thank you for not berating me for wanting a relationship with my daughter and actually reading my initial post.

I have called a MA attorney for advice and called the ex and informed her that if my daughter is not here. then I will be driving North on the 26th and filing contempt charges. You pick your battles and I can admit to being passive because I want a relationship with my daughter but am tired of being a doormat. In the end what do I really gain.

 

[3Weymouthgirls]

You have no Idea

Jobs are jobs. Children are irreplaceable.

You make your choices, you take your chances.

Right a jobless economy have to support all my children including 2 that are under my roof and a spouse Sorry your response is not very intelligent without knowing the whole situation on my move to NC.

 

[Isis1]

Right a jobless economy have to support all my children including 2 that are under my roof and a spouse Sorry your response is not very intelligent without knowing the whole situation on my move to NC.

why is your spouse not working, contributing to the household?

 

[Silverplum]

Right a jobless economy have to support all my children including 2 that are under my roof and a spouse Sorry your response is not very intelligent without knowing the whole situation on my move to NC.

My response was entirely intelligent, and focused upon the best interests of your FIRST child.