Pregnant, seeking full custody, no child support

[Proserpina]

I did not chose this man to be the father of my child. I took my birth control same time every day with not a single missed day. I left this man because he is emotionally abusive. Having grown up with the same kind of man as a father, I think most would see why I would want to keep him at a distance, especially considering that I asked he be involved, and he chose to make threats of taking my child away from me if I did not allow a 50/50 arrangement immediately following birth. Not realistic for a newborn that will be breastfed.

Breastfeeding doesn't even enter the equation.

 

[Silverplum]

Breastfeeding doesn't even enter the equation.

I meant to mention that. Good thing you did.

 

[Eekamouse]

Having sex with someone, and that resulting in a pregnancy does not qualify a misogynistic narcissist as a good parent, nor does is equate to being a healthy needed influence in a child's life. I asked for advice on how to protect my child. Not to have someone try and make me feel dumb, or bad about my decision. I am not the kind of person who would keep a child from it's parent, if I did not believe that it was in the best interest. Simple.

Well, it won't be up to you whether he gets to parent his child or not if he takes it to court. The court will decide and I doubt you'll be able to keep him away from his child just because he and you don't get along.

 

[cheesecake46580]

If there has been abuse in the relationship no wonder you are scared of his threats. Focus on your pregnancy don't ask anything from him and deal with the situation if he files to be a part of the babies life. If he files he will get some type of order visitation if not then you don't have to deal with him. get some counseling to deal with all of this.

 

[Ohiogal]

I did not chose this man to be the father of my child. I took my birth control same time every day with not a single missed day. I left this man because he is emotionally abusive. Having grown up with the same kind of man as a father, I think most would see why I would want to keep him at a distance, especially considering that I asked he be involved, and he chose to make threats of taking my child away from me if I did not allow a 50/50 arrangement immediately following birth. Not realistic for a newborn that will be breastfed.

Yes you did. You had sex with him. That is choosing the father. And your boobs are NOT going to control a visitation schedule -- not if dad takes this to court.

 

[Ohiogal]

If there has been abuse in the relationship no wonder you are scared of his threats. Focus on your pregnancy don't ask anything from him and deal with the situation if he files to be a part of the babies life. If he files he will get some type of order visitation if not then you don't have to deal with him. get some counseling to deal with all of this.

I wonder if she ever reported the abuse or if it just matters NOW because she wants to keep the man away form the child.

 

[commentator]

"Emotional abuse" is getting to be as cheaply tossed around as "sexually molested my child for years and years!" was back in the '80's. And it is such a generic term, it can refer to almost any level of abuse and is very hard to show, no bruises or scars. So it doesn't carry a lot of weight in the world of courts anymore. Some people get their feelings hurt very easily.

Sarahwall, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings by assuming you were young and unrealistic. It is still very obvious you are both of those things. And proud, oh my, so touchy. You responded very warmly to the posters who told you what reinforced your ideas about how it should work, not necessarily those who told you the truth.

And there's a lot of experience here and legal knowledge and hard won knowledge of human nature. At your age, I also had very little concept of exactly what single parenthood would entail, and there were a lot of things that I did not think of. For one thing, I did not realize how expensive and difficult to find good child care would be, or how complicated the life of a working/nursing mother could be, or that babies and little children get sick all the darn time, (one of your principal expenses will be for the pediatrician) and you will have many days when you cannot use your regular child care for them, or that I might have a health issue that would complicate my being the only support and caregiver for my child.

And in my work with the court system in mediation, and especially in your state, I have seen that the father WILL be involved if he wants it and they possibly can arrange it, whether he is a one night stand you went through fully birth controlled and drunk out of your mind, or the wrong test tube of semen they used for IVF.

As I said, this guy will very probably eventually find some reason why he wants to have a connection with his child, though it may not involve the scenario of co-parenting but paying support you offered him originally. Just because he then popped off and hurt your feelings by saying he wants nothing to do with you, or scared you by saying that he will get even with you if you try to make him pay by taking your child away from you(how ordinary of him to think of saying that!) it doesn't mean he's locked into that or that is what he'd be able to do.

The safest thing for you to do is settle down, and as someone has suggested, get yourself some good counseling now for your issues and to help you deal with the inevitable. And also get yourself a good family law attorney lined up to advise you as soon as the baby is born. Be prepared to ask for reasonable child support, (which is in the best interests of your baby, in spite of your choices and preferences) and be prepared to be involved with this man in some size shape or form for at least the next 18 years. Or else terminate the pregnancy.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Having sex with someone, and that resulting in a pregnancy does not qualify a misogynistic narcissist as a good parent, nor does is equate to being a healthy needed influence in a child's life. I asked for advice on how to protect my child. Not to have someone try and make me feel dumb, or bad about my decision. I am not the kind of person who would keep a child from it's parent, if I did not believe that it was in the best interest. Simple.

To be a "legal parent" does not require any evidence of being capable of being a "good" parent - the latter which has no legal definition that I know of.

Since you are not married, the biological father *is* the legal father. He has rights. The only way to terminate these rights is to terminate the pregnancy or to convince the legal father to give up parental rights as part of an adoption.

If you honestly believe that he will only be interested in custody if you file for child support, then don't file for child support until the child is a year old.
Judges are used to people trying to file for custody to avoid child support, and having status quo on your side helps you, legally, in a custody battle. However, when you do file for child support, it will only be backdated to the date of filing - so you have to realize that you have some (strategic) choices to make, based on some form of cost/benefit analysis.

Finally, I am sorry that you are offended by what the seniors have said, but the cold reality is that the only sure way to prevent pregnancy with unsuitable father material is to not have sex with them.

You have made no rape allegations in any of your posts, so we can only assume that you found something desirable about having sex with this man. Therefore, you chose him. Part of having sexual freedom is also having the burden of responsibility. Accepting reality will help you in choosing a wiser path. You don't have to agree with how family law works. You have to accept and understand it, and figure out the best way to work within its boundaries and limitations.

 

[Zigner]

Since you are not married, the biological father *is* the legal father.

This is exactly opposite of how it works. Once the baby is born, and because the OP is not married, there is no legal father unless paternity is established, whether it be by an acknowledgement of paternity, or through a court-ordered DNA test (or other court finding of paternity.)

ETA: I agree with the rest of your post.

 

[tuffbrk]

Change your phone number/block him from all social media accounts and mind your own business. You are under no legal obligation to continue to interact with him at this time and if he is abusive, half of his fun is making you jump. So stop interacting, stop the drama, focus on your pregnancy and get into therapy or join a support group to help keep you on track emotionally.

Interview and retain a family attorney for guidance once you have the child. It is the child's right to be supported by both parents so I strongly encourage you to file for child support after the child is born. I realize this causes you some concern but your child's needs must be the priority. If you don't need the money - great! Many have had to do without it anyway. But if it is received and not needed, bank it for their college expenses. Or any emergencies that come up.

However, legally there is nothing that you can do to prevent visitation or custody rights if the dad takes the steps to file for joint custody.

 

[wavehopper27]

That's an extremely odd deduction you made there (!).

Best interest is actually still "best interest". The difference is that some courts are actually starting to believe that just because Mom is Mommy right from the start, this doesn't necessarily mean that her remaining the primary caregiver is actually in the child's best interest. The court doesn't need to find Mom unfit to make Dad the CP.

WA isn't the first state to come to this (apparently shocking?) realization and no doubt it won't be the last.

It's nice to hear that the playing field is starting to level off. Just because biology does not allow me to give birth, it does not automatically mean that I am a less fit parent than mom is.

 

[Act1]

Support

Please, please contact an attorney right away. It is a brutal and expensive process so the more you strategize in advance, the better. Be careful of anything you put in writing and also make sure you keep all correspondence from him, especially any types of threats. Also assume he is recording conversations.

If you actually go to trial, judges place a great deal of weight on communication as this can cause significant issues for children. He will still get visitation in almost any circumstance, so be prepared for that.

Good luck and just be the best mom you can!! Focus on what you can control.

 

[Just Blue]

Please, please contact an attorney right away. It is a brutal and expensive process so the more you strategize in advance, the better. Be careful of anything you put in writing and also make sure you keep all correspondence from him, especially any types of threats. Also assume he is recording conversations.

If you actually go to trial, judges place a great deal of weight on communication as this can cause significant issues for children. He will still get visitation in almost any circumstance, so be prepared for that.

Good luck and just be the best mom you can!! Focus on what you can control.

With all due respect....You can't handle you own legal matter, in whatever State you are as you refused to post it, so you should not advise others. Thank you for you anticipated understanding.

Blue

 

[LdiJ]

That's an extremely odd deduction you made there (!).

Best interest is actually still "best interest". The difference is that some courts are actually starting to believe that just because Mom is Mommy right from the start, this doesn't necessarily mean that her remaining the primary caregiver is actually in the child's best interest. The court doesn't need to find Mom unfit to make Dad the CP.

WA isn't the first state to come to this (apparently shocking?) realization and no doubt it won't be the last.

You gave her the impression that dad could show up 10 years down the road and take primary custody away from her...or that is at least how it read. Even in Washington state a judge is not going to disrupt a child's life like that without serious cause...because that obviously would not be in the best interest of the child.

 

[Just Blue]

You gave her the impression that dad could show up 10 years down the road and take primary custody away from her...or that is at least how it read. Even in Washington state a judge is not going to disrupt a child's life like that without serious cause...because that obviously would not be in the best interest of the child.

Are you sure? If you are ...How?

And the child discussed in this thread is not 10. 'jus sayin'