more issues

[mommyto 2]

What is the name of your state? NJ
Okay I have not been here for a long time but I need some help on some new issues. My ex and I have two children, 11 and 7. We get 7 vacation days a year. Now in the court order it does not indicate that they need to be taken consecutively. Now my ex started taking them one day at a time in conjunction with his regular parenting time. I never had a problem with this. It allowed him to take long weekend trips with the kids, fine by me. Now the recent problem started when he informed me that he was taking some vacation time with the children over the winter break in conjunction with his holiday time and parenting time. Leaving me with no time other than Christmas eve with the children. Okay, fine, nothing I can do (bothers me a bit that he is working and they will be staying with stepmother, and no, they have no other children). So I figure I may as well take the rest of my vacation time before the year runs out and inform him that in conjunction with my parenting time I will be taking two of my remaining three vacation days. This was two months ago. Now yesterday, 48 hours prior to my vacation time beginning he informs me he is taking an additional vacation time. Now, in the court papers it just states reasonable notice for requesting vacation time. Would 48 hours be considered reasonable?

My other question is he is now accusing me of with holding medical information from him because of a note that came home with our 11 year old from the school nurse. It came home on Friday and I did not make a copy and give it to him when he picked up the children. The note basically stated that our child had a bruise on his shin from the play ground and needed some ice. No big deal, at least I thought. When he brought home the children yesterday he began yelling at me for not giving him the note on Friday. He then began demanding to get him the note. I told him I wasn't even sure what I had did with the note because it was no big deal. He has since threatened to take me back to court for contempt for these two issues. I have since found the note (stuffed in child's backpack) and have made a copy for him. But is this the kind of stuff that the parent of primary residence has to share. This was not a medical decision.

Thanks in advance for your input!!

 

[BL]

Well, tell him to stuff it . He's been getting extra days , and you notified him first .

I don't think the Court meant for the 7 days to be split up , but sinse he's done so , why can't you ?

About that note , tell him to chill out .

 

[Zephyr]

What is the name of your state? NJ
Okay I have not been here for a long time but I need some help on some new issues. My ex and I have two children, 11 and 7. We get 7 vacation days a year. Now in the court order it does not indicate that they need to be taken consecutively. Now my ex started taking them one day at a time in conjunction with his regular parenting time. I never had a problem with this. It allowed him to take long weekend trips with the kids, fine by me. Now the recent problem started when he informed me that he was taking some vacation time with the children over the winter break in conjunction with his holiday time and parenting time. Leaving me with no time other than Christmas eve with the children. Okay, fine, nothing I can do (bothers me a bit that he is working and they will be staying with stepmother, and no, they have no other children). So I figure I may as well take the rest of my vacation time before the year runs out and inform him that in conjunction with my parenting time I will be taking two of my remaining three vacation days. This was two months ago. Now yesterday, 48 hours prior to my vacation time beginning he informs me he is taking an additional vacation time. Now, in the court papers it just states reasonable notice for requesting vacation time. Would 48 hours be considered reasonable?

does the court order specify that an agreement be made regarding the vacation? does your order include first right of refusal?

My other question is he is now accusing me of with holding medical information from him because of a note that came home with our 11 year old from the school nurse. It came home on Friday and I did not make a copy and give it to him when he picked up the children. The note basically stated that our child had a bruise on his shin from the play ground and needed some ice. No big deal, at least I thought. When he brought home the children yesterday he began yelling at me for not giving him the note on Friday. He then began demanding to get him the note. I told him I wasn't even sure what I had did with the note because it was no big deal. He has since threatened to take me back to court for contempt for these two issues. I have since found the note (stuffed in child's backpack) and have made a copy for him. But is this the kind of stuff that the parent of primary residence has to share. This was not a medical decision.

Thanks in advance for your input!!

I think he's overreacting about the school note, just make sure you are communicating with him regarding routine and emergency medical issues and information

 

[mommyto 2]

No we do not have ROFR. You would think that with as many times as he has taken me back to court and lost, I would get everything right in the court orders.

As far as keeping him informed of all medical and educational meeting and decisions I tell him via email of all appointments and usually he attends all meetings. I have never excluded him from any appointments. I just don't think putting ice on a bruise requires a big ta do! Tell you the truth I had forgotten about the note from the nurse.

B.L. I agree that the 7 days were not intended to be split up but I allowed it to happen and that was my fault. So it is hard to go back.

So when my ex is screaming at my door and won't leave (in front of the kids) I informed him I would have to call the police. Is that okay to do? Because he has severe mental issues I can never be sure he won't hurt me. He has tried in the past. But at the same time my 11 year old gets upset, so I am really caught between a rock and a hard place.

 

[Zephyr]

If my ex were standing in my door screaming and wouldn't leave when I asked him to, I would send the children to their rooms and call the police.

 

[BL]

No we do not have ROFR. You would think that with as many times as he has taken me back to court and lost, I would get everything right in the court orders.

As far as keeping him informed of all medical and educational meeting and decisions I tell him via email of all appointments and usually he attends all meetings. I have never excluded him from any appointments. I just don't think putting ice on a bruise requires a big ta do! Tell you the truth I had forgotten about the note from the nurse.

B.L. I agree that the 7 days were not intended to be split up but I allowed it to happen and that was my fault. So it is hard to go back.

So when my ex is screaming at my door and won't leave (in front of the kids) I informed him I would have to call the police. Is that okay to do? Because he has severe mental issues I can never be sure he won't hurt me. He has tried in the past. But at the same time my 11 year old gets upset, so I am really caught between a rock and a hard place.

Well it's unfortunate to have him come banging and screaming on the door .

Try informing him by email not to do that , and put the kids in the middle .

Next year inform him the 7 days will be an all in one week package for both of you , so there will be no disagreements .

If need be take it back for clarification in the court order .

 

[mommyto 2]

Thanks - kind of what I did. I got them into the other room behind the second set of doors and went back to the enclosed porch, where I spoke out the window to my ex. My son followed me back out without me realizing it, my fault. On top of this my son has special needs and cannot comprehend why his father acts this way. But then again neither can I.

So due to the short notice for the vacation time I can tell him to go blow?? Not in so many words! And the fact that I already requested this time.That would be fine with the court.

 

[Zephyr]

that's what I would do, advise him that you already have plans with the kids and because of the short notice are unable to change the plans and offer him a different time

 

[mommyto 2]

B.L. i would love to put it in an email but if I do that he just shoots off ten more accusing me of all kinds of bizarre stuff. It is really difficult to work with a person with such mental health issues. I can tell right now he is in a very maniac phase, and when he is maniac he is extremely difficult to deal with. I will try the seven day letter in January but I know he will refuse. I would love to go to court to hammer out some of these issues but am still rebounding financially from the last time he took me. I just needed clarification that I have done nothing wrong so that if he takes me back to court he has nothing. Call me paranoid, but dealing with him has done that to me.

 

[mommyto 2]

Zephyr - Why would I have to offer him a different time? Do you mean to use his last vacation day? That would be fine by me

 

[BL]

Thanks - kind of what I did. I got them into the other room behind the second set of doors and went back to the enclosed porch, where I spoke out the window to my ex. My son followed me back out without me realizing it, my fault. On top of this my son has special needs and cannot comprehend why his father acts this way. But then again neither can I.

So due to the short notice for the vacation time I can tell him to go blow?? Not in so many words! And the fact that I already requested this time.That would be fine with the court.

In my state , the way your order is written ( 7 days ) ( the usually state one or 2 weeks ) , you wouldn't be held in contempt , because their has to be a clear and explicit order , the party must be aware of that order and willingly and knowingly violate it .

You could certainly use that argument , and say you notified him first .

 

[Zephyr]

Zephyr - Why would I have to offer him a different time? Do you mean to use his last vacation day? That would be fine by me

whenever the situation results in me having to say no to my ex, I always offer an alternative as well... this does a couple things

1. takes the sting out of the "no" thereby hopefully encouraging communication rather than hard feelings

2. covers my butt, cause if it does ever go to court I can show how I try to cooperate

 

[mommyto 2]

Thanks you for all of you help - it has eased my mind.
I must say the joint custody sounds great on paper but when one person makes it impossible the other parent suffers. I am just so tired of his mood swings and how it affects every little thing, and the big things like the children. I think if he takes me back to court again I will have to ask for sole decision making. I don't know if that is possible but seven years of verbal harassment and him throwing fits when he does not get his way is wearing me down. Fortunetly it is in the court records of his behavior and metal health problems, maybe that will help.

 

[mommyto 2]

Zephyr - thanks - great idea.

 

[LdiJ]

I am going to add something here that I think has kind of been overlooked.

What do your orders actually say about the Christmas holidays? If he is trying to schedule vacation time that interferes with your share of the Christmas holidays then he is the one who is in violation of the orders, not you.

In any case, its ok to say no if you have only been given 48 hours notice and you have other plans.