more issues

[mommyto 2]

I am the primary parent with joint custody. I keep my ex very well informed of all appointments for any issue (medical, educational). I have never excluded him from any important decision, I even consulted him regarding ear piercing. The problem lies in his perception that I am doing things behind his back and am keeping things from him. Every school year I even provide him with all teachers names and their email addresses. Two judges have even stated to him that I keep him better informed then any parent they have seen. It is not enough. This is not a situation where I say he is mentally ill, he is! Fully diagnosed! This is an ongoing issue that when he is manic he is out of control with paranoid problems to boot. Being an ass alone is not a reason to lose parental status. Being mentally ill without being effectively treated of long periods of time, may be!

 

[wileybunch]

mommyto2, your ex is "only" the NCP meaning you have the kids the majority of the time ... and you want to curtail his time more? On what grounds? That he is "mentally ill"? That's not a reason. You do not have to answer him just because he makes comments. I understand he's a pain in the ass when you feel he's manic, but I'm trying to understand what you think rises to the level that you think the court should reduce the little bit of time he gets with his kids as a NCP as it is.

 

[mommyto 2]

Did I say I wanted to reduce his time?

 

[TCool]

The problem with people with mental illness is more serious than people can possibly imagine.

I couldn't agree with that more.

I appreciate your input, there are several points you made that I will be speaking to my attorney about.

I'm glad to hear that.

Everyone could probably be diagnosed with something, too, and just because someone has a diagnosis doesn't mean they are an unfit parent. I'm wondering what the OP mentioned that made you think it rose to the level of being an unfit parent vs. just being an ass while co-parenting or parenting.

I agree, anyone could be diagnosed with something. The issue is whether or not they were evaluated by a competent psychologist/psychiatrist. Anyway, the only thing the OP said was that she believes her ex to have manic phases and that he has already been diagnosed with bipolar. And, a lot of the things she said about him are classic signs of bipolar, and if you're seeing the signs thats a good indication that its not being properly treated. And, I NEVER said he was an unfit parent, I said that certain mental illnesses can cause you to be an unfit parent, and bipolar can be one of those illnesses. I was suggesting that she might want to see if its possible to get a judge to order that he be evaluated to see if he can be better treated because untreated or poorly treated bipolar can be dangerous. If you don't know why this is true just say so and I'll gladly explain it for you.

Husband's ex probably has borderline personality disorder and she's a giant ass, a huge headache at every turn, but the bottom line is whether she's an unfit parent or not, whether she's in contempt or not, etc. Even if she were to be dx tomorrow, that's still kinda neither here nor there to whether she's obeying court orders and is a fit parent. Some women get very bitchy several days a month due to PMS induced rages or what not -- should their parental rights be curtailed? That would all depend on whether they are a fit parent or not as judged by a judge.

I think its mommy's ex (hence mommyto 2) and he has been diagnosed according to her. Not just a problem of borderline personality disorder (not really seeing much of that here especially since bipolar has already been diagnosed) or being bitchy, a psychologist obviously agrees with me on that one.

should their parental rights be curtailed?

If they are, or can go into, a mental frame of mind where they are dangerous to their children, then absolutely in my opinion.

 

[profmum]

I am the primary parent with joint custody. I keep my ex very well informed of all appointments for any issue (medical, educational). I have never excluded him from any important decision, I even consulted him regarding ear piercing. The problem lies in his perception that I am doing things behind his back and am keeping things from him. Every school year I even provide him with all teachers names and their email addresses. Two judges have even stated to him that I keep him better informed then any parent they have seen. It is not enough.


You hit the nail on the head.. it will never be enough for these Xs. I have a similar x. And yes like you I am forced to defend myself again and again in court.. and the allegations get more ridiculous each time. Your x may have a mental illness but honestly he sounds like a jerk period. My advice is to continue to take the high road as you have been doing and realize that soon he will hang himself in court if he continues this behavior. Yes it is $$ and painful in legal fees but you need to respond etc whenever he goes back to court. One of these days, you will have enough evidence to ask for a change in decision making or the Courts will put an end to his nonsense..

I have stopped worrying about what my x alleges anymore, because no matter what, they are ridiculous.. he even went as far as telling the judge recently in a status conference that I am NOT a US citizen and he was at my naturalization ceremony (and we have pictures!!) 2 years ago!!..so treat his taunts as spam email (save it and read it later) and give him the respect he deserves as your child's father.. nothing more.. trust me, I too used to get so outraged at the things he would email me and respond right away getting into a pissing contest with him. I stopped now and dont respond unless I have to.. now we are down to 1-2 emails a week if need be.. he now tries to allege things in court to get my attention. my response.. go ahead

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

To TCool and Onebreath:

The OP, just like me, aren't interested in terminating parenting time with the other parent. It's more a matter of not having to continually defend oneself against stupid allegations that have no bearing on reality. There are just SOME people who feels that the only way to CONTROL the situation is to try to manipulate others by tearing them down.

In their delusion, they can't see two different parents can actually handle situations correctly, just differently.

I've spent thousands of dollars in court because of my X. I'm not in a position to help my attorney to keep buying new cars. Just like the OP, all I want to do is live my life peacefully and be able to work with the other parent in an adult, rational manner. We both love our child. The best thing we can do is to encourage our child to love BOTH of us. Unfortunately, my X feels differently.

My X is this person who can only focus on ONE mistake and ignore 99 other things you are doing right. Because you make ONE mistake, you are a terrible person. Does this make the other parent UNFIT? No. Should they take away their parenting time because they are A**es? No. Should they be in counseling with both parents so that they can learn to communicate and play nicely with each other? Yes.

 

[profmum]

To TCool and Onebreath:

The OP, just like me, aren't interested in terminating parenting time with the other parent. It's more a matter of not having to continually defend oneself against stupid allegations that have no bearing on reality. There are just SOME people who feels that the only way to CONTROL the situation is to try to manipulate others by tearing them down.

In their delusion, they can't see two different parents can actually handle situations correctly, just differently.

I've spent thousands of dollars in court because of my X. I'm not in a position to help my attorney to keep buying new cars. Just like the OP, all I want to do is live my life peacefully and be able to work with the other parent in an adult, rational manner. We both love our child. The best thing we can do is to encourage our child to love BOTH of us. Unfortuna1tely, my X feels differently.

My X is this person who can only focus on ONE mistake and ignore 99 other things you are doing right. Because you make ONE mistake, you are a terrible person. Does this make the other parent UNFIT? No. Should they take away their parenting time because they are A**es? No. Should they be in counseling with both parents so that they can learn to communicate and play nicely with each other? Yes.

I agree Ginny.. that is all most of us want.. to co-parent and move on, but if the x is bent on trying to hurt the parent or punish/try to manipulate them constantly.. well, all you can do is stay the course and be prepared for a lot of $$...I tell myself, the alternative would be staying married to this person and raising a child in the same house with him.. being caught in that war zone would have destroyed my daugther!! I would rather take the legal battles with the x (which my daugther will always be blissfully unaware of at least from my end!) than the alternative..!!

 

[mommyto 2]

Ginny thank you for saying it so well. I would love to co-parent with this person, I did chose to have two children with him after all. But he is so hell bent on making everything an issue and creating issues that don't even exist. The thought that for the next 11 years (when youngest turns 18) I will be spending literally thousand upon thousands of dollars to defend myself against the BS he accuses me of makes me sick. God, what I could do with that money!!! At this point I truly feel that the court will have to step end and put an end to it. I am not saying to stop his ability to see the children but to come to some conclusions are about who is the final decision maker, if that means sole custody with him maintaining visitation, so be it! Co-parenting only works when BOTH parties realize that the other person exist! And although you may have different opinions, one is not necessarily wrong, they are just different! And these differences should not always result in WWIII, with threats of court and taking away custody and threaten to call DFYS. Everything is not a big deal!! Life is to short for me to spend so many years feeling threatened and scared and worried all the time because of ex's irrational behavior. I don't want to look back at the years I spent raising my children with memories filled with sadness. So, like Ginny and CJane stated before, I am working very hard not to let him suck me in. I will not do that to myself or to my children.

 

[wileybunch]

Did I say I wanted to reduce his time?

Is this question for me? It appears as though you're agreeing with TCool who seems to be suggesting his regular visitation be taken away, give you full custody, and him supervised visitation sort of a thing. That's why I was asking what rose to the level that would warrant that. I'm seeing what a PIA he is, but like I said before, nothing you've posted shows he's an unfit parent so I think it's false hope to think that will happen. That's all.

 

[TCool]

To wiley and Ginny. Please learn how to read. I never once suggested that this guys parenting time be taken away. All I suggested is that she look into seeing if she can get a judge to have him evaluated by a psychologist because HE HAS ALREADY BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH BIPOLAR AND THE ACTIONS SHE DESCRIBES BY HIM SUGGEST HE IS NOT BEING PROPERLY TREATED. I then went on to explain how bipolar CAN BE DANGEROUS TO A CHILD. I then explained to you, when asked, that I do think certain mental illnesses can cause you to be an unfit parent. This was not an inference that I think this guy is an unfit parent. In fact, I see nothing that mommyto 2 has said that makes me believe he is an unfit parent. Simply that the manic phases of bipolar if they get out of control can cause a person to be an unfit parent, during those manic phases. If you don't understand how this is different than suggesting her ex is an unfit parent then please have your brain checked. I was basically asking if there was a way she can get this guy to be properly treated so she doesn't have to worry about him being a danger to her kids. Not trying to find a way for her to take the kids away from him.

Now, where did I ever say that I think this guy's parenting time should be taken away? Seriously, do I need to spell it out to you like I would to a 5 year old?

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

In situations such as these, sometimes the best thing that can happen is for one parent to have sole custody. That can have a way of pulling the plug on some behaviours.

Yes, either party can request evaluations. The courts may request it if they continually keep coming up in front of the judge. I know that our judge is MIGHTY tired of seeing us. She yelled at BOTH of us when we were in front of her in August.

 

[wileybunch]

To wiley and Ginny. Please learn how to read. I never once suggested that this guys parenting time be taken away.

Actually, you did. When someone suggested that the courts will see what an idiot he is, you said,

That worked around where I live once. Some really horrible mother (in my opinion anyway) kept taking her ex to court with allegations of abuse and the judge eventually got sick of it and awarded full custody to the father with supervised visitation for the mother. The judge apparently knew she was lying and was just sick of it.

BTW, are you now an expert on whether someone can read in addition to being a mental health expert because of a class you are currently taking? Please. My comments in this thread have been tempering your academic approach to the OPs problem and the false hope you are giving her that she can "do something about" her ex who is stubborn and a PIA when they are already not having to share all decisions as she has primary physical custody already and you are suggesting he could get supervised visitation w/your example -- that's over the top. But, I guess you're not only the expert now that you're a few weeks into a class, but a rude one at that. Didn't mean to threaten your expert status.

 

[wileybunch]

In situations such as these, sometimes the best thing that can happen is for one parent to have sole custody. That can have a way of pulling the plug on some behaviours.

I think the OP already has this (sole physical, w/Dad having visitation).

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I think the OP already has this (sole physical, w/Dad having visitation).

In OP's first post.

I am the primary parent with joint custody.

I'm in a similar situation. There are just some exceptions to the blanket issuance of joint parenting that should be changed. I don't advocate excluding the other parent from these decisions; there sometimes are situations where it should NOT be a joint-making decision.

 

[TCool]

Actually, you did. When someone suggested that the courts will see what an idiot he is, you said,

Um... no. I simply told a story of what happened around where I live when a person constantly took her husband to court with lies. I never once in there suggested that this person should lose custody. Quit reading into what I say and coming up with weird conclusions. 99% of the time what I say is what I mean, therefore if I didn't say "I think this guy should lose all parenting time" then I didn't mean that.

BTW, are you now an expert on whether someone can read in addition to being a mental health expert because of a class you are currently taking?

Yes, when it comes to what I say, I AM an expert on what it means. Also, I never said I was a mental health expert. Again, if you would actually read what I write you would see that I said I could be wrong here because I AM NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST. Second, this is not because of a class I am currently taking, again READ. I have been studying psychology for 2 years. So, I would say that makes me a quarter of an expert because its about a quarter of the time most psychologists spend studying.

My comments in this thread have been tempering your academic approach to the OPs problem and the false hope you are giving her that she can "do something about" her ex who is stubborn and a PIA when they are already not having to share all decisions as she has primary physical custody already and you are suggesting he could get supervised visitation w/your example -- that's over the top.

Again! I have suggested nothing about anything with her ex other than maybe SHE SHOULD REQUEST HE BE EVALUATED TO MAKE SURE HE IS BEING PROPERLY TREATED. Has nothing to do with him being a PIA, but being a person who has been DIAGNOSED with bipolar disorder. And, again, my example was not inferring or suggesting that this person only get supervised visitation. It was an example of how something worked in the courts where I live. Once again, more evidence you are not reading what I write.

Lets recap:
1. OP said something about ex being in a "maniac" phase.
2. I asked if she meant "manic" and if he was diagnosed with bipolar.
3. She said yes
4. I explained some of the dangerous characteristics of the manic phase of bipolar and suggested she find out if there is some legal way to get him an evaluation to make sure he is being properly treated because her description makes it sound as if he is not.
5. Someone mentioned something about lying in court which made me think of a story of something that happened around here.
6. I told the story with no intention of inferring that the OP try to take all parenting time away from her ex.
7. You got confused

that's over the top. But, I guess you're not only the expert now that you're a few weeks into a class, but a rude one at that.

2 years of studying, not a few weeks. Maybe you'll pick up on that this time. And, yes, I am rude. I did say that I can be an ass, didn't I?

Didn't mean to threaten your expert status.

I'm a humble man. You only threatened my quarter expert status.

Yes, either party can request evaluations. The courts may request it if they continually keep coming up in front of the judge.

FINALLY! An answer to my question! Thank you.