not neglect, but minimal care

[Jen2651]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MN

I am the live in girlfriend of my partner. We have been together for 3 years. He had previously been married with two children, now ages 7 and 5. The legal custody is 50/50 and physical is 50/50. We have the kids every weekend and holidays are split very amicably.

The issues we are having now (and this has been going on since ex-wife left) is her ability to care for the children. To clarify, I don't think she is abusing them, or neglecting them, but there is very minimal care provided. I am wondering what classifies as neglect in a child custody case.

My partner and I are engaged to be married next winter and would love to have custody of the children. They are currently enrolled in school in her school district which is 45 minutes from our house (she moved out of the county with them when she left). It is near impossible for us to bring them to school in the morning as we both work and she is unwilling to compromise to a school halfway in-between our homes as 'then she would have to drive them every morning'.

An example of instances regarding her bare minimum...Not clipping their toenails; letting the younger one (she was 4 at the time) wash her own hair in the shower while mom was outside smoking and didn't check on her rinsed hair; never has clean socks for them; doesn't monitor the fact the 5 year old is wearing underwear (she won't if you'll let her); forgot to send Halloween costumes to school with them so they were the only ones with now costumes; feeds them pizza rolls and ramen noodles on a regular basis; too small shoes; no socks in the winter to play outside; running around the neighborhood; etc.

Now that I type these they seem really petty. I promise I'm not being that type of person. She is more than welcome to have the kids if she can do a good job?! She likes the arrangement we have now as she is able to go out every weekend. She has informed us if she has the kids on a weekend, she will just get a babysitter.

I really would like to find a balance between feeling frustrated at her level of care and being considered a 'babysitter' and having the kids live with us. I truly believe we are in their best interest, but a judge is going to laugh if I say that is because we would remember a Halloween costume (but she has also forgotten the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny).

Thank you

 

[Jen2651]

I forgot to include the fact we pay $1200 per month in child support. She currently lives with her boyfriend rent free, is on MN Care (public health insurance), and can't afford to buy 7 year old a new coat.

At the same time she has a brand new phone, a brand new car (that she asks us for money for because she can't afford it), and the best clothes. I still have yet to figure out where that $1200 goes to every month.

I still sound petty - I apologize.

 

[NC Mom in Indy]

OP, you are not going to get any answers here that you are looking for. You want kids, you want to be Mommy? Go have your own children. You are NOTHING to your boyfriend's children. There is no "WE". You would not have custody of them. Your boyfriend, future husband, whatever he is would have them if he did manage to win custody. If you think that you and he can get them and you can be mommy and he won't have to pay Child Support, sorry. Remember, YOU are NOTHING to these kids. They have a Mom and a Dad.

Seriously, the things you mentioned are really nothing. Look at the State Laws regarding a change in custody. If the children's father has a legal issue with Mom he should be the one to post or ask for advice. NOT his Girlfriend.

 

[Just Blue]

Cut and paste this to your URL and read. Then go back and edit your post.


https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/newbies-please-read-before-posting-387214.html

 

[NC Mom in Indy]

I forgot to include the fact we pay $1200 per month in child support. She currently lives with her boyfriend rent free, is on MN Care (public health insurance), and can't afford to buy 7 year old a new coat.

At the same time she has a brand new phone, a brand new car (that she asks us for money for because she can't afford it), and the best clothes. I still have yet to figure out where that $1200 goes to every month.

I still sound petty - I apologize.

Yep, just as I suspected... You are mad about the amount of money that your boyfreind pays in Child Support. That's between Him, Mom, and the State. She doesn't have to prove where the money went. Children are expensive.... 2 children are very expensive.

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MN

I am the live in girlfriend of my partner. We have been together for 3 years. He had previously been married with two children, now ages 7 and 5. The legal custody is 50/50 and physical is 50/50. We have the kids every weekend and holidays are split very amicably.

The issues we are having now (and this has been going on since ex-wife left) is her ability to care for the children. To clarify, I don't think she is abusing them, or neglecting them, but there is very minimal care provided. I am wondering what classifies as neglect in a child custody case.

My partner and I are engaged to be married next winter and would love to have custody of the children. They are currently enrolled in school in her school district which is 45 minutes from our house (she moved out of the county with them when she left). It is near impossible for us to bring them to school in the morning as we both work and she is unwilling to compromise to a school halfway in-between our homes as 'then she would have to drive them every morning'.

An example of instances regarding her bare minimum...Not clipping their toenails; letting the younger one (she was 4 at the time) wash her own hair in the shower while mom was outside smoking and didn't check on her rinsed hair; never has clean socks for them; doesn't monitor the fact the 5 year old is wearing underwear (she won't if you'll let her); forgot to send Halloween costumes to school with them so they were the only ones with now costumes; feeds them pizza rolls and ramen noodles on a regular basis; too small shoes; no socks in the winter to play outside; running around the neighborhood; etc.

Now that I type these they seem really petty. I promise I'm not being that type of person. She is more than welcome to have the kids if she can do a good job?! She likes the arrangement we have now as she is able to go out every weekend. She has informed us if she has the kids on a weekend, she will just get a babysitter.

I really would like to find a balance between feeling frustrated at her level of care and being considered a 'babysitter' and having the kids live with us. I truly believe we are in their best interest, but a judge is going to laugh if I say that is because we would remember a Halloween costume (but she has also forgotten the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny).

Thank you

She is more than welcome to have the kids if she can do a good job? You have no dog in this, and you NEVER will, This is solely between the two parents.

 

[Jen2651]

I really have no problem with how much we are paying. I do however want it to go to the children. We have bailed her out of evictions, we have saved her car from repossession. What we want is 50/50 (truly) physical...is there anyway to as asking her to send the children to a school halfway.

I know i will never be anything legally to the children. I have read the Newby Posting Letter. I also know us getting married is enough (I believe) to ask for a change of custody.

Perhaps I should have worded my question better. Is this not a legal/court issue...because it is in the divorce papers as already being 50/50? Is this something we personally need to work out with her?

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

I really have no problem with how much we are paying. I do however want it to go to the children. We have bailed her out of evictions, we have saved her car from repossession. What we want is 50/50 (truly) physical...is there anyway to as asking her to send the children to a school halfway.

I know i will never be anything legally to the children. I have read the Newby Posting Letter. I also know us getting married is enough (I believe) to ask for a change of custody.

Perhaps I should have worded my question better. Is this not a legal/court issue...because it is in the divorce papers as already being 50/50? Is this something we personally need to work out with her?

You getting married is not a reason for a change of custody, and you are still not getting there is no *WE*.

 

[Jen2651]

And I have two children. They are expensive. I however earn my living and pay for myself and my children. Their father puts every cent of the money we decided on for child support in a savings account for college. I am able to survive on my income only.

I am now lucky enough to live with a man I love and will soon be married to who is very willing to live with my saving!

Off my soap box now!

 

[Silverplum]

I really have no problem with how much we are paying.

How very pleasant.

I do however want it to go to the children.

Do you? Really? How very pleasant.

We have bailed her out of evictions, we have saved her car from repossession.

How very pleasant.

What we want is 50/50 (truly) physical

How very pleasant.

...is there anyway to as asking her to send the children to a school halfway.

So it's convenient?
How very pleasant.

I know i will never be anything legally to the children. I have read the Newby Posting Letter.

Clearly you have not.
Clearly you also have not read a single other post on the topic.

I also know us getting married is enough (I believe) to ask for a change of custody.

I'm married.
Perhaps *I* oughta ask for custody of your boyfriend's children? Hmmm.

Perhaps I should have worded my question better.

To say the very, very, very least.

Is this not a legal/court issue...because it is in the divorce papers as already being 50/50? Is this something we personally need to work out with her?

You are not a legal "WE."
You cannot be a legal "WE."

I found your post -- and underlying attitude -- to be appalling. And I'm a stepparent. I can't even begin to grasp how to act like you are acting.

 

[Silverplum]

Off my soap box now!

You don't HAVE a "soap box" upon which to stand.

 

[Jen2651]

Family Law - Child Custody - General Child Custody Questions

Page 1 of 45

Can custody rights be modified?

Absolutely. You can go back to court to change a custody order if there is a substantial change of circumstance that has a significant, adverse effect on the child (such as visitation problems, erratic behavior, relocation and impact on child-parent relationship, change in employment, residence, or marital status). Because we live in a highly mobile society, it is strongly recommended that you periodically evaluate the parenting plan. The courts recognize that many factors (such as, children’s age, relationship with both parents, the parents’ relationship, the wishes of the children) can be altered over a period following divorce and, though reluctant to change the parenting custody plan, the courts will do so if it is clearly necessary and in the best interest of the child.

Alternatively, the ex-spouses can voluntarily modify the last order by agreeing to changes between themselves. If there is a departure from the last custody order, it is best to put the new current changes in writing; oral agreements are difficult to enforce.


According to the Free Advice, marriage is enough to ask for a change of custody.

 

[LdiJ]

I really have no problem with how much we are paying. I do however want it to go to the children. We have bailed her out of evictions, we have saved her car from repossession. What we want is 50/50 (truly) physical...is there anyway to as asking her to send the children to a school halfway.

I know i will never be anything legally to the children. I have read the Newby Posting Letter. I also know us getting married is enough (I believe) to ask for a change of custody.

Perhaps I should have worded my question better. Is this not a legal/court issue...because it is in the divorce papers as already being 50/50? Is this something we personally need to work out with her?

Hon, if you don't get the "we" completely out of your vocabulary not only will you get seriously slammed here, but you will total any possible chance that your boyfriend has of prevailing on ANYTHING in court.

Everything you mentioned was extremely petty and your last sentence in your first post was so overstepping and inappropriate that I am still shaking my head.

No, you can't make her send the children to a school half way. Children attend school in the district where the parent with primary custody resides. Your boyfriend does not have 50/50 physical custody, because its not a 50/50 timeshare.

You need to accept the fact that the children primarily live with mom, and that your boyfriend will continue to pay child support. Your boyfriend has no "change of circumstance" at this time that would remotely allow him to get more.

You also need to step back and stop the serious disrespect of the mother of your boyfriend's children. You honestly don't even have a right to have an opinion.

 

[Silverplum]

Family Law - Child Custody - General Child Custody Questions
Page 1 of 45
Can custody rights be modified?

Absolutely. You can go back to court to change a custody order if there is a substantial change of circumstance that has a significant, adverse effect on the child (such as visitation problems, erratic behavior, relocation and impact on child-parent relationship, change in employment, residence, or marital status). Because we live in a highly mobile society, it is strongly recommended that you periodically evaluate the parenting plan. The courts recognize that many factors (such as, children’s age, relationship with both parents, the parents’ relationship, the wishes of the children) can be altered over a period following divorce and, though reluctant to change the parenting custody plan, the courts will do so if it is clearly necessary and in the best interest of the child.

Alternatively, the ex-spouses can voluntarily modify the last order by agreeing to changes between themselves. If there is a departure from the last custody order, it is best to put the new current changes in writing; oral agreements are difficult to enforce.


According to the Free Advice, marriage is enough to ask for a change of custody.

Try again, and read this time.

I've helpfully bolded the pertinent segment.

What you're saying in your post is that Dad's remarriage will have a significant, adversarial effect upon the child. Somehow, I'm not at all surprised.

 

[Zephyr]

is pleasant the word of the day? I missed the memo