Ex boyfriend on the birth certificate but now I am concerned he may not be the father

[CaMom31]

I just HAVE to say this.

My son looks NOTHING like me. Nothing...as in NOTHING! He is thin, has sharp features where I have round. He is very white (which I am also but I am more of a peachy white where he is white!) covered in freckles and has flaming red, curly hair. He also looks nothing like his father. In fact, he looks almost exactly like his father's best friend at the time I conceived him.

However, I did NOT ever, not once, not even close...sleep with my husband's best friend. In fact, I have ever only slept with 2 men and one of those was just two months ago. My ex husband has hazel eyes and I have DARK brown. My son's eyes are a grayish color.

If you were to go back through my family, my son does resemble my father a lot when he was a child. He also resembles my grandmother and uncle. In fact, he looks remarkably like my uncle...who is technically only a HALF uncle. But no where in our family trees is another red headed, freckle faced, gray eyed person. He is completely unique.

You would never, EVER, pair him up with me or his father. And the ONLY trait he has that comes close to his father is a "butt" chin...or a cleft chin. Occasionally you will see a look come across his face that is ALL his dad's but he really looks nothing like either one of us. To the point where people joke that he must have been mixed up in the hospital.

So I said all that to say this. Just because she doesnt LOOK like him..doesnt mean she isnt his.

Now...my second thing is this. A question. How do you know so much about your ex's girlfriend? You seem to know a lot of personal things that I dont see what business you have in knowing. And WHY are you on her Facebook page??? That can ONLY cause trouble. Delete her NOW.

Funny you mention the cleft chin. That is actually a very dominant trait and is only natural if your ex has it your son will have it. My daughter has a dimpled cleft chin and neither one of us have one. Like I said not just one weird thing two! But that is neither here nor there. It isn't going to make a difference anyhow.

I know a lot about my ex's fiance because she lives with them. I hear conversations when I'm on the phone with my daughter, he gets on the phone with me to "explain". My daughter talks to me about things as well. She added me to facebook so I could have access to the photos she has up of my daughter. We do not communicate on eachother's boards though, that was an agreement between us, but that doesn't stop me from seeing what is being said. I primarily don't use facebook, I use myspace so she's actually the only one who was on my facebook besides my brother. I did delete her after she tried to email me to discuss things about my daughter and it didn't go very well. Since then I do not even speak to her outside of casual conversation when we have to be around eachother because of the child.

The reason I know about her medication though is because while on the phone with my daughter one day I could hear her screaming at my ex about something my daughter did and my daughter told me that "she's mad because daddy tied my dollies shoe for me". She then yelled at my daughter for not telling me she was mad because she wanted quiet time and had told my daughter not to play dress up with her dolls unless she could dress them herself. That was when my ex got on the phone and told me she was cranky because she couldn't afford the cost of insulin so was only taking 20ccs once a day instead of 3 times a day like it was prescribed.

When it affects my child it IS my business.

 

[maryjo]

Once again, assuming just because I'm on welfare and disability I am lazy and don't try gets fairly old.

The bottom line is, if I had my daughter she would have medical insurance, she would have everything she needs because my kid's needs come before my pride. If I need outside assistance to care for them, I ask. He has claimed on everything that she resides solely with him, until I go to court I cannot dispute that. Therefore the only thing I can do at this point is go to court and let the judge know that I informed him of what he could do and he refused to do the footwork to get help. Hell I even sent him all the paperwork completely filled out. All that was needed was for him to sign and return it.

So...what disability do you have? If you mentioned that already I missed it.

And the only way your daughter would have everything she needs if she was with you would be by government assistance. Which means the tax payers are supporting her, not you. I dont know for sure, I just cant see that a judge would put a mark in your favor for that.

 

[CaMom31]

So...what disability do you have? If you mentioned that already I missed it.

And the only way your daughter would have everything she needs if she was with you would be by government assistance. Which means the tax payers are supporting her, not you. I dont know for sure, I just cant see that a judge would put a mark in your favor for that.

I have back problems that effect my ability to sit or stand for prolonged periods of time without severe pain.

As for governement assistance. I find it funny people bitch about tax payers paying for it yet forget that some of us have worked for years before becoming disabled, not to mention our families who have worked and we all paid taxes. Better I suppose for him to be out of work and only working odd jobs here and there while SHE goes to work and pays for my daughter than for me to be on assistance? I suppose I should just be grateful a legal stranger is taking care of most of her needs and just not interfere because God forbid she be on governement assistance that I paid into. Somehow I don't think a judge is going to find "My girlfriend pays all the bills" any more appealing than me being on government assistance. What's he gonna do if she leaves him?

All I wanted was for us to have joint custody and an established my time/ his time. He's the one pushing for sole custody and backing me into a corner. It isn't that what I have is better, it's that it's all I have but I'm not willing to let it stop me from fighting for my child. I can and will use any resources available to me when it comes to taking care of my children. My only gripe about what she needs and doesn't have is medical insurance. California State Law requires all children to have health insurance. If I could afford medical insurance my son would have Kaiser or something way better than medical. But I can't. He can argue about paying cash if he needs to but the fact is, children are required to have medical insurance because **** happens and you don't always have enough cash to cover it. The only reason she has no insurance is because he's afraid that if he gets her on medical and gets a job they'll make him pay for her insurance. That is why I told him to sign her up for social security because then they cannot make him pay for her insurance because it would count as MY contribution.

 

[Proserpina]

Why is this thread still going on?

Seriously. OP has been informed of what is and is not possible.

 

[Isis1]

Why is this thread still going on?

Seriously. OP has been informed of what is and is not possible.

cuz it's sunday, and the whole daylight savings time has really caused havoc on the brain cells.

 

[pinkey14]

Ok, looks like this thread's about done, but just wanted to add a thing or two. My youngest sister is on SSI. At 24, she had a very unfortunate incident in which she was nearly crushed to death in a box compactor behind the grocery store where she worked. Long story short, she already had joint custody with an ex whom she had never married. He got a temporary order for sole custody when she was bedridden for months. She didn't try to go back to court for 2 years, but was also in a tight spot. Unfortunately, the judge did say that if the mom had no way of supporting him in anyway aside from putting him on government assistance, and dad was found fit and was currently covering any costs associated with his care, that dad would be awarded sole custody. She looked into it a lot after that wanting to have the case reviewed or appealed and found that this was a very standard decision, and a scenario that comes up on a regular basis.

I don't think that anyone is putting you down for being on government assistance. They are just telling you the hard truth and offering ways you could help support her or see her more often. They are a lot of deal sites on line that you'll be able to find for greyhound or amtrak, and contrary to what anyone may have told you, weekends are not always restricted. I don't think anyone was referring to your disability in regards to the discount. And can't you arrange pick up and drop off while your 10 year old is in school?

By the way, (you probably already know this) you can work while on SSI for the first 9 months while you test your ability to work without if affecting or counting against your social security in any way. Even after that, you can continue to work and keep both your paycheck and your social security as long as you don't make more than $980 per month. There are a TON of places under government incentive to work around your disability and employ you. Judging by the length of your forum responses and the time stamps on each one, it looks to me like you can at least sit in front of a computer for several hours a day, huh?

I know thinking of ways to make extra money when you've dealt with chronic pain and haven't been employed for a long time can be hard to imagine. But for your daughter's sake, you should really consider it. I'm sure you'd rather do this and have a little money to provide her while you have joint custody, than have dad win sole custody and have YOU ordered to pay child support. (This is a likely scenario.)

Your thread started with questioning dad's paternity for your daughter's sake, and is ending with you just trying to establish some weekend visits. Now that you know that you've got some work cut for you, I'd focus on that rather than looking for legal loopholes. Unfortunately, most people's ability to parent is never questioned until the mother and father split. But since you HAVE split, the court will now get to determine who is more fit to be the custodial parent. Right now it is not you.

 

[maryjo]

Yeah, Pinkey14, I agree with you. I was going to post something similar to that. The facts are that right now, mom isnt in a place to get much if this went to court. And, it seems things could backfire really bad.

I hope mom finds a way to get a job making money so she and her son dont have to depend on government assistance and so that she can afford to see her daughter.

OP...I am wondering, why did you move and why cant you move back to where your daugher is? Wouldnt that make things easier on everyone if you moved closer to her? That would at least show a judge that your concern is actually for your daughter.

If a judge were looking at the father who only has the girlfriend and daughter living in HIS house, someone is working and making money and they dont live on government assistance....compared to mom who is living in a house with a bunch of other people, doesnt work, can not provide for herself much less the one child she has living with her without the aid of government assistance...plus she technically left the child there AND moved away.

Well, I just dont see things looking good for mom at this point. But I DO think she deserves time with her daughter.

 

[pinkey14]

Ditto. But to reinforce what Maryjo said, everyone DOES believe that you should be able to spend more time with your daughter. Nobody is saying that you are no longer her parent, that you don't or shouldn't have parental rights, or that your current visitations are plenty.

By the way, if dad did win sole legal and physical custody, that wouldn't take away your parental rights. Losing custody and losing parental rights are vastly different, and you probably couldn't lose them unless you abandon her for a long period of time or abuse her. If you lose your parental rights, you have basically no recourse to reestablish them. It would be as if you had given her up for a closed adoption. If you lose custodial rights, you can still have visitation, and you can always petition for a custody modification based on significant change of circumstance once you are in a more secure situation.

 

[Ohiogal]

First of all there are several things I could do if she were in my care to make sure her needs are fulfilled, I am currently doing so with my son. However, I cannot apply for anything for her while she resides with him. I never said I'm going to apply for temporary custody I said it was suggested to me but I am not sure it would even be a smart move if I could.

You could do a lot for your daughter since you have joint custody> Since you have joint custody she is seen to also reside with you during the portion of time granted to you. OH yeah -- no time has been granted to you. Such a shame.

As for saying she is entitled to certain benefits, by law she is. It may be your personal belief that nobody is entitled to anything but you are taking my words out of context. By law a child who has a parent on SSI or SSA is entitled to benefits. That is how the law states it so I don't see where my wording was offensive in any way.

No that is not how the law is worded.

I never said I wasn't grateful for the help I recieve, I am very grateful. You people are so quick to point the figure on what I do or don't contribute yet we have JOINT custody. It is not my responsibility to give him anything when she is in his care just like it's not his responsibility to give me anything when she is in mine. We are responsible for the time the child is in our care.

Wrong again. You can be ordered to pay child support even with joint custody. YOU are responsible for financially supporting your child. Which you are not doing.

If I willingly just left her there without seeing her ever I could see where I'm responsible for paying child support but me not having my 50% of the time with her is not because I don't want it nor haven't asked for it.

Irrelevant.

It's because he refuses to let me have her unless it's convenient for him. All I have asked of him is to arrange transportation 1 way. Just like he expects me to pick her up when I want to bring her to my house, he should have to pick her up if he wants to bring her to his house. So basically what you are implying is that I should feel morally responsible to pay him while he screws me over because technically she's been in his care.

Technically you are doing NOTHING to care for your child and complaining about dad who is the only one providing ANY financial support for her. You are a hypocrite.

Also don't always assume everybody on disability is eligible for everything you see when it comes to discounts. There are quite a few discounts I am not eligible for because I do not meet the physical handicap requirements. There are also restrictions on when you can get discounted fares and most the time weekends are restricted. For example where I live I can get discounted fare for the greyhound from 8am on Monday to 5pm on Friday but weekend fares are not discounted because it's a popular travel time and is not considered standard work hours. How do I know? I went down to the station and asked.

So your daughter is not worth a full trip fare. How sad.

Also keep in mind that your theory of public transportation being cheaper doesn't apply when you also have a 10 year old you have to either bring with you or pay someone else to babysit. I have looked into ride share but let me ask you this. How many people do you think are going to put up with being asked to not only provide proof of license and insurance, but provide home phone and address to the father of the child they are transporting? He won't even let me put her in the car until all this has happened.

Again, if your daughter were important you would do what ever it took to see her.

I am not saying that you don't have good suggestions but to insinuate I haven't looked into anything just because it hasn't worked for me really gets on my nerves. You do not know the whole situation of what I am dealing with so to judge me based on the fact that it hasn't worked out for me but has worked out for whoever it is you know with their own set of circumstances doesn't show how much you know rather how little.

You are judging dad and quite harshly. You are insulting everything he does for the child without realizing that YOU are doing nothing to help support this child.

By the way, I had a couple of independant jobs until the economy went to crap and they couldn't afford to pay me anymore. Once again, assuming just because I'm on welfare and disability I am lazy and don't try gets fairly old.

Independent meaning cash under the table? Meaning you were working illegally?

The bottom line is, if I had my daughter she would have medical insurance, she would have everything she needs because my kid's needs come before my pride.

No they don't. Because you are not willing to do what it takes to see your daughter. You make excuses.

If I need outside assistance to care for them, I ask. He has claimed on everything that she resides solely with him, until I go to court I cannot dispute that. Therefore the only thing I can do at this point is go to court and let the judge know that I informed him of what he could do and he refused to do the footwork to get help. Hell I even sent him all the paperwork completely filled out. All that was needed was for him to sign and return it.

But you live in different counties and you just said you couldn't get anything for her because she is not in her county. So did you fill out the papers as though she lived with you? Or did you fill them out fraudulently with his information?

 

[LdiJ]

So...what disability do you have? If you mentioned that already I missed it.

And the only way your daughter would have everything she needs if she was with you would be by government assistance. Which means the tax payers are supporting her, not you. I dont know for sure, I just cant see that a judge would put a mark in your favor for that.

I am sorry, but that remark was completely out of line. She is not on "government assistance" she is collecting SSDI which she is entitled to collect because she worked and paid into the government insurance program with her social security and medicare withholdings.

Do you consider every retired person who collects social security to be receiving government assistance? If not, you should not consider those receiving SSDI to be on government assistance either.

Luckily, judges know better therefore it certainly will not be a mark against her.

 

[Ohiogal]

I am sorry, but that remark was completely out of line. She is not on "government assistance" she is collecting SSDI which she is entitled to collect because she worked and paid into the government insurance program with her social security and medicare withholdings.

Do you consider every retired person who collects social security to be receiving government assistance? If not, you should not consider those receiving SSDI to be on government assistance either.

Luckily, judges know better therefore it certainly will not be a mark against her.

Actually she is NOT receiving SSDI. She is on SSI. Which means she did NOT pay into Social security enough to qualify for SSDI. And if she had SSDI, she would be supporting her children as they would each receive dependent benefits. But guess what? That is NOT happening. SSI is supplemental security income. Which is government assistance.

Her "independent jobs" that she worked also meant she was working under the table illegally.

 

[LdiJ]

Actually she is NOT receiving SSDI. She is on SSI. Which means she did NOT pay into Social security enough to qualify for SSDI. And if she had SSDI, she would be supporting her children as they would each receive dependent benefits. But guess what? That is NOT happening. SSI is supplemental security income. Which is government assistance.

Her "independent jobs" that she worked also meant she was working under the table illegally.

She stated in the early part of the thread that she wanted to add the daughter to her SS benefits and the father would not cooperate. That indicates SSDI rather than SSI.

 

[AHA]

As I said before. I'm not asking to remove his PARENTAGE! What I am fighting here is the fact that he seems to believe he can just take away MY parentage and he may not even be the biological father and I am 100% her mother. As for reimbursing him? I had $16,000 in back social security right before she was born that all went to the property rent for his house and everything she needed because he was jobless.

And to all the perfect people out there, yes it may seem totally appalling that I slept with someone else with a condom and on the pill and never once thought it might be his child when the man I was sleeping with for years never used protection. Believe it or not, I have been just as surprised as anyone else would be to find she may NOT be his. I could have just never said anything though. I guess that would have been best for everyone to just lie when I KNEW the truth.

Sorry, but you can't expect a birth control pill to work against one man's sperm but not against another's. It's not a one pill protection deal. Since you were a mother already that's basic family planning education that you were aware of.