A HUGE victory- with stipulations.

[rocknrollmommy]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? - California/Oklahoma

Long story short my ex boyfriend and I separated June 2010 and immediately started the custody process of our daughter (now 18 months old). He was never involved in her life until he filed for joint custody and then decided to act like the perfect daddy. We currently live in CA and I have lived here for just over 2.5 years. All of my friends and family live in Oklahoma, 1600 miles away so naturally, I've been fighting to move my daughter back home, and for sole custody.

We went through the evaluation process and we received the recommendation on 12/27 that stated I should be granted my request to move back to Oklahoma and since there were no objections it was submitted to the court yesterday for the judges approval.

Here's my problem:
The recommendation states that I am to fly our daughter back and forth every other month (for a full week) with me being responsible for the full cost of travel/visitation. As of right now, I have no income, will be living off of a very tight/limited income and will only be getting about $550 a month in child support. Not only will I have to spend the majority of my child support on travel expenses (roughly $350 per one way ticket- $700 total after DD turns 2) but I will also have to take off work in order to make the trip. I understand my ex's right to reasonable visitation but shouldn't the arrangements be reasonable for me too?

We go back to court on 1/20 for our final Custody Settlement Conference and the judge will make the final ruling then. I fully intend on filing a modification to see what can be done after we've been in Oklahoma for roughly 6 months. At that point can the custody case be transferred to OK (since that will be my daughter's state of residence)? What, if anything, would be a better visitation arrangement?

I'm sorry this is so lengthy but any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

[stealth2]

Why should you NOT be responsible for the cost of transportation, since you are the one making it necessary?

And it is unlikely you will be able to change jurisdiction to OK in six months. Again. YOU are the one creating the distance, not Dad. So HE should not be inconvenienced by your choices.

I'd suggest you start looking for a decent job in OK ASAP.

 

[Proserpina]

Why should you NOT be responsible for the cost of transportation, since you are the one making it necessary?

And it is unlikely you will be able to change jurisdiction to OK in six months. Again. YOU are the one creating the distance, not Dad. So HE should not be inconvenienced by your choices.

I'd suggest you start looking for a decent job in OK ASAP.

Completely, utterly agree.

 

[AbbaDabba730]

Out of curiosity why is it that you are moving since it's obviously not a great job lined up??

 

[stealth2]

All her friends and family live there. Guess it's not important that her CHILD'S family currently lives in CA. You know.... Mom AND Dad.

 

[AbbaDabba730]

All her friends and family live there. Guess it's not important that her CHILD'S family currently lives in CA. You know.... Mom AND Dad.

I just don't get why a parent would move 1600 miles away, without a job lined up etc kinda irresponsible. But I guess in OP's mind it is better to do that and get 1600 miles away from dad.

Why is it that some parents want to move so far away from the other parent. I understand that after divorce, breaking up etc that you do not want to be near the other parent but you obviously lived where you do for a reason. Is it really that important to stick it to the other parent.

Sorry for the slight rant

OP you should be held responsible for every dime it takes to get the child there for visiation.

I myself wouldn't consider this a "HUGE victory" but that's just me...

 

[rocknrollmommy]

Thank you for the replies (as lacking in advice as they may be). I limited the information in my original post to keep it as short as possible but since I seem to have given you the wrong idea about my intentions, allow me to elaborate.

This is a man who fought to keep us here not because HE wanted it but because his MOTHER wanted it- she did not want to "lose" her granddaughter. He has never had the best interest of our daughter in mind and to quote him "I don't want full custody but I don't want her to leave here. If it takes you both living out of a car to keep her in California- so be it".

I do not have a college degree as of yet (I have taken classes when possible but not everyone is able to graduate within 4 years). The economy where I live is absolutely horrible and it is next to impossible to find a job that will allow me to remain here and support my daughter. That is why I made the incredibly difficult decision to move back to my home state. I had a very lucrative job lined up (more than enough to support myself and daughter) but could not afford the child care and my ex told me that he would not pay for any of the daycare expenses because he felt I should take a job working in the evenings so we could avoid such expenses (this was while we were still in a relationship. The position required paid training however I would not get my first paycheck until the next pay period- a full month away and child care was ~$350 per week for the cheapest center).

Basically, he wanted me to pass up the opportunity to make >$50K to go to work for minimum wage because he refused to place our daughter in child care. I decided to go back to school in the evenings as he agreed to be home by 6pm nightly so I could be in class by 6:30. That lasted for roughly a month before he tired of caring for our daughter on his own and decided he would rather go out after work (or sit at his computer and play his computer games for hours on end leaving our daughter to fend for herself). He had developed an addiction to a certain computer game and would play for 60+ hours per week after working 40+. Now, I am 27 and he is 30. We are adults and certain passtimes/hobbies should be set aside for the greater good- OUR DAUGHTER. He absolutely refused to do so and I eventually had to quit school, once again, after I came home after being in class for 4 hours and our daughter had not been fed, changed, bathed, and was not in bed (this was around 10:30pm).

I want a better life for my daughter. If I had the ability to remain here and provide a safe, stable environment for my daughter I would however that is not the case. I am not moving out of spite, I am not moving in order to just for the hell of it, and I am NOT moving to in any way hinder her relationship with her father. I am moving in order to give my daughter the chance to grow up without having to worry about if we will have a roof over our heads. I have checked into public assistance however the waitlist for it here is anywhere between 4-7 years- just to get assistance for housing. Our crappy 1 bedroom apartment is $971 (will go up to $1100 in May) and that is by far one of the cheaper places that is in a semi-safe neighborhood.

I am sorry that not everyone is as blessed enough to have the ability to provide a safe environment for their children no matter what location they live in. I was always raised and taught to provide for myself, which is what I have been trying to do for the past 2 years. I even provided the court with over 100 resumes I had submitted to various companies, each with a lovely response to the tune of "Thank you for your interest, but...". I have tried to make things work here but have hit a brick wall every time.

I am not the type of woman to just uproot her child when things get rough. I have exhausted just about every resource available to me and have even had to live off of the charity of friends for a brief period when my ex refused to provide food for me and his daughter (yes, we were still in a relationship and living together at the time). I grew up without a father and know how that can affect a child, especially a girl, growing up. I tried harder than any other woman I know would have to encourage a relationship between my daughter and her father. When everyone else told me to give up (including his family), I tried harder.

So judge me if you will, I merely asked for advice from someone who might have been where I am. I am doing the best I can to make the best life possible for my daughter.

Now after reading just a fraction of my situation (and I imaging you are still very critical of my decision to move), YOU tell me- what would YOU have done differently?

 

[mistoffolees]

I just don't get why a parent would move 1600 miles away, without a job lined up etc kinda irresponsible. But I guess in OP's mind it is better to do that and get 1600 miles away from dad.

Why is it that some parents want to move so far away from the other parent. I understand that after divorce, breaking up etc that you do not want to be near the other parent but you obviously lived where you do for a reason. Is it really that important to stick it to the other parent.

Sorry for the slight rant

OP you should be held responsible for every dime it takes to get the child there for visiation.

I myself wouldn't consider this a "HUGE victory" but that's just me...

It's certainly not a victory for the child-especially since the child is 18 months. She'll grow up not really knowing her father as she would if visitation were more regular. Plus, getting an 18 month old child back and forth is going to be REALLY expensive since an adult will have to travel with the child both directions.

Mom really needs to re-think this decision on the basis of what's best for the child.

 

[rocknrollmommy]

Out of curiosity why is it that you are moving since it's obviously not a great job lined up??

I actually have 2 jobs lined up- working for my mother's business and another working for the State of Oklahoma. Both will allow me to get back on my feet.

I would be living in an apartment my family has- rent free, and will have free daycare. Again, to allow me to get back on my feet after everything that has happened.

 

[rocknrollmommy]

All her friends and family live there. Guess it's not important that her CHILD'S family currently lives in CA. You know.... Mom AND Dad.

Please read my incredibly long post above in regard to your statement.

 

[rocknrollmommy]

It's certainly not a victory for the child-especially since the child is 18 months. She'll grow up not really knowing her father as she would if visitation were more regular. Plus, getting an 18 month old child back and forth is going to be REALLY expensive since an adult will have to travel with the child both directions.

Mom really needs to re-think this decision on the basis of what's best for the child.

Again, please read the long post I typed while you were replying. It is simply out of necessity that we move. If I lived in a perfect world I would have no problem staying and letting my daughter see her father every single day. That just is not possible.

I agree, it is not a victory for my daughter but when faced with the options of being homeless in order to keep her near her father or moving 1600 miles away to have a safe and stable life, the victory is being able to provide for my daughter since her father so plainly does not want to.

Yes, the cost of the visitation is going to be outrageous, which is part of why I had asked for advice to begin with. I simply asked about alternative visitations that might be more feasible.

 

[LdiJ]

I just don't get why a parent would move 1600 miles away, without a job lined up etc kinda irresponsible. But I guess in OP's mind it is better to do that and get 1600 miles away from dad.

Why is it that some parents want to move so far away from the other parent. I understand that after divorce, breaking up etc that you do not want to be near the other parent but you obviously lived where you do for a reason. Is it really that important to stick it to the other parent.

Sorry for the slight rant

OP you should be held responsible for every dime it takes to get the child there for visiation.

I myself wouldn't consider this a "HUGE victory" but that's just me...

I understand it. Many people want the support of their family and friends after a breakup...particularly when they become a single parent. I don't view it as wanting to get away from the other parent, but as wanting to get back to their "comfort zone". If they aren't on a strong career path and need economic assistance its even more understandable.

It still may be selfish of course, but its understandable. Sometimes its not even selfish, sometimes its "survival".

In this case, dad getting a week every other month and mom having to provide the transportation is completely and totally fair, and mom is going to have to figure out a way to handle that.

 

[AbbaDabba730]

I actually have 2 jobs lined up- working for my mother's business and another working for the State of Oklahoma. Both will allow me to get back on my feet.

I would be living in an apartment my family has- rent free, and will have free daycare. Again, to allow me to get back on my feet after everything that has happened.

Have you considered your ex's mom to watch the child so you can get a job where you live now?

 

[AbbaDabba730]

Again, please read the long post I typed while you were replying. It is simply out of necessity that we move. If I lived in a perfect world I would have no problem staying and letting my daughter see her father every single day. That just is not possible.

I agree, it is not a victory for my daughter but when faced with the options of being homeless in order to keep her near her father or moving 1600 miles away to have a safe and stable life, the victory is being able to provide for my daughter since her father so plainly does not want to.

Yes, the cost of the visitation is going to be outrageous, which is part of why I had asked for advice to begin with. I simply asked about alternative visitations that might be more feasible.

so what is he 550 a month for then?

 

[rocknrollmommy]

Have you considered your ex's mom to watch the child so you can get a job where you live now?

Unfortunately (well, fortunately for her), she works M-F, 9-5. I have absolutely no friends or family here. When I say I'm completely on my own it is not a wild exaggeration.