Damaged

[ClaraD]

You really need to get it into your 3rd child's head that your husband isn't her father.

You are really, really going to damage her if you keep lying to her.

And its funny how you say that Im going to damage her by lying to her. What about the damage he's caused her by not only lying to her, but abusing her mother in front of her and abandoning her or does that not count?

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

He is entitled to destroy his relationship with her, just as you are.

 

[Proserpina]

And its funny how you say that Im going to damage her by lying to her. What about the damage he's caused her by not only lying to her, but abusing her mother in front of her and abandoning her or does that not count?

Where did I say that didn't count?

Honestly, lying about her parentage is a huge issue too. Nobody is saying the other stuff doesn't matter or that it's "okay". It's not. But it's something you need to think about seriously.

FOCUS. Seriously - you need to focus.

 

[ClaraD]

He is entitled to destroy his relationship with her, just as you are.

......thanks

 

[ClaraD]

Where did I say that didn't count?

Honestly, lying about her parentage is a huge issue too. Nobody is saying the other stuff doesn't matter or that it's "okay". It's not. But it's something you need to think about seriously.

FOCUS. Seriously - you need to focus.

I do think about it constantly. How can I tell my daughter, yeah your real father abandoned you and the man you think is your father did too. Thats a lot to put on a child. She will feel unwanted like she already does. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid before even getting involved with my husband and I explained that to him many times and he assured me that he understood. I had no clue that he was up to no good. None, but it is what it is I guess. Lessoned learned.

Im focused. Kind of hard in this forum though....

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

Im focused. Kind of hard in this forum though....

We do issue reality checks.
How old is the daughter not his? What is she like? We have many people that might suggest how to tell her if you will listen.

 

[ClaraD]

We do issue reality checks.
How old is the daughter not his? What is she like? We have many people that might suggest how to tell her if you will listen.

Lol, ok she is 4. Before this all happened anyone would tell you she was a very happy child. Always laughing smiling a real people person. It was not unsual for her to go up to someone and say hi or ask them their name. Now anyone will tell you that she is completely the opposite. Especially if he comes around. She is reclusive. She would rather play alone than with others. She lashes out at times. She has crying & screaming fits and gets angry quickly. She doesn't like to talk about her step father. Whenever I do try and talk to her she covers her ears or just tells me she doesn't want to talk about it. I am all ears for any kind of advice you guys will give me.

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

What is the story with her real dad?

(that is a wonderful age, it was the age my stepdaughter came into my life)

 

[ClaraD]

What is the story with her real dad?

(that is a wonderful age, it was the age my stepdaughter came into my life)

I sent you a PM

 

[Proserpina]

Lol, ok she is 4. Before this all happened anyone would tell you she was a very happy child. Always laughing smiling a real people person. It was not unsual for her to go up to someone and say hi or ask them their name. Now anyone will tell you that she is completely the opposite. Especially if he comes around. She is reclusive. She would rather play alone than with others. She lashes out at times. She has crying & screaming fits and gets angry quickly. She doesn't like to talk about her step father. Whenever I do try and talk to her she covers her ears or just tells me she doesn't want to talk about it. I am all ears for any kind of advice you guys will give me.

This child very obviously needs therapy.

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

I sent you a PM

Got it. I understand.

 

[Banned_Princess]

Got it. I understand.

Share... we too would like to "understand"

 

[mistoffolees]

Share... we too would like to "understand"

That's not OHRoadWarrior's job. OP sent it as a PM obviously intending it to be private. If OP wants to tell you, she will.

 

[stealth2]

I take it you don't have any children and if you do.....wow.

Most of us here are parents, and I think are pretty well in agreement that you are doing your child a grave disservice (and have done from the start) by allowing her to believe he is her father. The wow should be directed at yourself, to be honest.

She is too young for me to do that. I'll tell her when she's old enough to understand what that even means......

Sadly, you have set her up for this emotional trauma by not being honest with her from the get-go. It did not have to be this way, had you been honest from the start. My neighbors have three children, of which the youngest two are adopted. The middle one at ~a year, the younger at 9mos. They are now 3 and 4, and the oldest is 5 1/2 (S/N). All three know the truth of their parentage - and have from the beginning. But none of them feel "less than". There is no shame in them for how they became a family.

At this point, you really need to give serious thought to finding professional help for your child. She needs to know the truth, and you are not equipped to help her at this point. But, a professional can get you both there. Please - for her sake - seek that help. The rest of your issues? Are frankly minor to this one.

 

[ClaraD]

This child very obviously needs therapy.

thank you captain obvious