Scheduling Issues Before Custody Hearing

[catechismia]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? VA

My final custody hearing is in June. I currently have primary. My ex has one overnight per week, and visitation in my home 5 days per week. It is an awful schedule. I cannot go anywhere. Forget trips. I have to be home every single day (except one) because he has visitation. Since this is from a temporary order, I have offered several times to my ex if he would like to take the same amount of time throughout the week and tack it onto his weekend time (so he can use it all at once). He refuses this. He says he wants to see child every day. While this is admirable, it is not a good situation for a divorced couple to be in.

I am a flexible person, but honestly, what is the point of us being divorced if we still have to see each other every day?! We have a high conflict divorce. We do not communicate well. We haven't been living together for a year, but I still don't fully feel like I can move on because I see him every day. He lives one hour away from me. I am mostly a SAHM (that works weekends...I'm a nurse).

My question is about our final hearing. My lawyer and I are going for standard visitation. I have to at least have an equal amount of Sundays as he has, since we go to different churches and I want to introduce my child to my religious beliefs as much as his father gets to (which is why him having every weekend would not work). So I want to take my child to church, I want to be able to go visit friends and relatives. There's so much I'm not able to do with this schedule, and I think standard visitation is a great solution as a schedule. Right now he has the child 24 hours per week (away from my home), so standard would still be the same amount of time, just taken every other weekend.

If he insists on seeing the child every day, will he get what he wants? Do I have a good chance for standard? Anybody have any other schedule suggestions that I should go for in court?

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? VA

My final custody hearing is in July. I currently have primary. My ex has one overnight per week, and visitation in my home 5 days per week. It is an awful schedule. I cannot go anywhere. Forget trips. I have to be home every single day (except one) because he has visitation. Since this is from a temporary order, I have offered several times to my ex if he would like to take the same amount of time throughout the week and tack it onto his weekend time (so he can use it all at once). He refuses this. He stated, "Whatever visitation schedule we do, I have to be in my child's life every single day." While this is admirable, it is not a good situation for a divorced couple to be in.

I am a flexible person, but honestly, what is the point of us being divorced if we still have to see each other every day?! We have a high conflict divorce. We do not communicate well. We haven't been living together for a year, but I still don't fully feel like I can move on because I see him every day. He lives 40 minutes away from me. I am mostly a SAHM (that works weekends).

My question is about our final hearing. My lawyer and I are going for standard visitation. I have to at least have an equal amount of Sundays as he has, since we go to different churches and I want to introduce my child to my religious beliefs as much as his father gets to (which is why him having every weekend would not work). So I want to take my child to church, I want to be able to go visit friends and relatives. There's so much I'm not able to do with this schedule, and I think standard visitation is a great solution as a schedule. Right now he has the child 24 hours per week (away from my home), so standard would still be the same amount of time, just taken every other weekend.

If he insists on seeing the child every day, will he get what he wants? Do I have a good chance for standard? Anybody have any other schedule suggestions that I should go for in court?

How long has this temporary order been in place, and how old is the child?

Why should Dad have such regular contact discontinued? Would you be okay if the situation was reserved, with you having EOW contact and Dad being primary?

(Remember, your schedule isn't the point here)

 

[catechismia]

Child is 6 months old. I felt comfortable with this schedule at first, because he is young, and if he is going to go to another house for several hours once a week, I want him to know the person he is going with. But now that he is older, and obviously knows his father, I'm not so worried about the child not knowing who he's around anymore.

The problem is that I do not live anywhere near my friends and family. I am extremely close to my extended family and since having this baby, I have only seen them once at Christmas. My quality of life is very much suffering. I feel trapped (not as trapped as I felt in the marriage, but the ex is still trapping me to this location). Gah. I feel like none of my feelings are coming across the way I want them to.

Okay, I recognize that I'm talking about myself a lot. I'll try to refocus here:

His time does not have to be cut in order for us to have a more workable schedule. Can't he have the same amount of time, but taken all at once, so that we can each have our separate time and not have to see each other every day? We're divorced. Don't most divorced couples live separate lives?

 

[ecmst12]

Perhaps the standard every other weekend and one night per week plus phone calls or skype every day. How old is the child? Why only one overnight a week?

 

[catechismia]

Perhaps the standard every other weekend and one night per week plus phone calls or skype every day. How old is the child? Why only one overnight a week?

This order was put into place when child was a month old. He was exclusively breastfed (and I pumped for visits). Sorry if that's TMI. Now, being 6 months, he is still breastfed, but also on solid foods, supplementing with formula, so he can be away for longer periods now.

 

[ecmst12]

Ok the child is an INFANT. It's in HIS best interest to see his father every day, at least for now. But I don't see why visitation has to be in your home. Or if so, why you need to be there. You can make it work, without having to have extensive contact with each other. Let your family come to you. You should have holidays and vacations worked into your parenting time schedule and both of you should get some uninterrupted time with (and without) the child, to take trips or see family. But for day to day, at least for the first year of his life, seeing his dad every day is absolutely ideal.

 

[Proserpina]

Child is 6 months old. I felt comfortable with this schedule at first, because he is young, and if he is going to go to another house for several hours once a week, I want him to know the person he is going with. But now that he is older, and obviously knows his father, I'm not so worried about the child not knowing who he's around anymore.

The problem is that I do not live anywhere near my friends and family. I am extremely close to my extended family and since having this baby, I have only seen them once at Christmas. My quality of life is very much suffering. I feel trapped (not as trapped as I felt in the marriage, but the ex is still trapping me to this location). Gah. I feel like none of my feelings are coming across the way I want them to.

Okay, I recognize that I'm talking about myself a lot. I'll try to refocus here:

His time does not have to be cut in order for us to have a more workable schedule. Can't he have the same amount of time, but taken all at once, so that we can each have our separate time and not have to see each other every day? We're divorced. Don't most divorced couples live separate lives?

I know what you're saying Mom.

But divorce shouldn't mean the child suffers. It's no longer about you and Dad being able to move on. Dad has apparently been a very regular part of your mutual child's life, and at 6 months old it's actually better to have shorter, more frequent visits than see the other parent EOW. You still live close enough to Dad for it to work, if you're both willing to put your feelings aside.

So, I'm not sure what to tell you. Your current schedule actually works best for an infant as opposed to the standard NCP visitation (which is what you're wanting).

 

[catechismia]

So if the hearing is in June, then the schedule will likely remain somewhat similar? Can I get some kind of graduated visitation plan where it remains like this til he's a year old, then moves up to something more age appropriate?

I have a hard time finding situations like mine. I have had family members whose husbands/boyfriends left them with a child, but in most of their cases, the man just left for good and didn't want to be a part of the child's life. Don't get me wrong, I am glad for my child's sake that he can rest assured he has not been abandoned and that his dad cares about him. But I guess it's just a frustrating situation.

 

[Proserpina]

So if the hearing is in July, then the schedule will likely remain somewhat similar? Can I get some kind of graduated visitation plan where it remains like this til he's a year old, then moves up to something more age appropriate?

The problem is you still haven't really given any good reason why it should change.

I have a hard time finding situations like mine. I have had family members whose husbands/boyfriends left them with a child, but in most of their cases, the man just left for good and didn't want to be a part of the child's life. Don't get me wrong, I am glad for my child's sake that he can rest assured he has not been abandoned and that his dad cares about him. But I guess it's just a frustrating situation.

Again, see it from Dad's point of view. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

 

[catechismia]

It's hard for me to understand his point of view. I feel as though him leaving me was totally pointless and tragic. I guess thinking about it makes me feel even more rejected because he is here to see the baby every day, but when I was pregnant, he refused to come and see me or even speak to me. It just reminds me that I must have been so awful to be married to, that he wanted to be divorced from me even though he still sees me on a daily basis. That says something.

Thank you guys for your help. I guess I thought our schedule was unusual, but to learn that it is what's best for my child does make me more accepting of it.

 

[Zigner]

It's hard for me to understand his point of view. I feel as though him leaving me was totally pointless and tragic. I guess thinking about it makes me feel even more rejected because he is here to see the baby every day, but when I was pregnant, he refused to come and see me or even speak to me. It just reminds me that I must have been so awful to be married to, that he wanted to be divorced from me even though he still sees me on a daily basis. That says something.

Thank you guys for your help. I guess I thought our schedule was unusual, but to learn that it is what's best for my child does make me more accepting of it.

I would suggest that you seek therapy for your emotional issues. It would really be helpful to your child. Yes, you were rejected, but it's not about you any more.

 

[catechismia]

Yeah, I'm working on that. It's a process.

 

[LdiJ]

Mom,

I disagree with the responses that you have been receiving on this issue. I agree that in ideal circumstances its best for an infant to get both mommy and daddy time every day, but you have a high conflict divorce and it is not reasonable for you to have to deal with your ex daily. In the long run it won't be best for the baby either because the baby will begin to pick up on the tension. A judge will not force you to schedule your entire life around providing time to dad every day either. Why, because the judge will realize that it means that you cannot have a life.

Do not roll over and play dead just because some people on the internet think that you should give dad what he wants because they think its best for the baby. Propose a parenting schedule that gives dad every other weekend and one or two visits during the week...two would likely be better.

 

[catechismia]

Okay, so clearly this isn't a cut and dry issue. That is very helpful. I think I'm going to brainstorm a few different schedules.

The reason I want to have it prepared ahead of time was because, for the temp. hearing, I was prepared with a schedule and idea of what I wanted. I didn't get exactly what I wanted, but the judge was favorable to me because I knew what I wanted, whereas Dad didn't have a specific plan (other than just wanting primary). So I've picked up on the fact that this judge likes for you to be thoughtful and organized.

 

[Proserpina]

Mom,

I disagree with the responses that you have been receiving on this issue. I agree that in ideal circumstances its best for an infant to get both mommy and daddy time every day, but you have a high conflict divorce and it is not reasonable for you to have to deal with your ex daily. In the long run it won't be best for the baby either because the baby will begin to pick up on the tension. A judge will not force you to schedule your entire life around providing time to dad every day either. Why, because the judge will realize that it means that you cannot have a life.

Do not roll over and play dead just because some people on the internet think that you should give dad what he wants because they think its best for the baby. Propose a parenting schedule that gives dad every other weekend and one or two visits during the week...two would likely be better.

So instead Dad should roll over and play dead?

Sorry, but I'm not following the logic here.

How do you know what's best for this baby, who has been used to seeing Dad almost daily for five months out of his very short life?

Colour me confused.