Scheduling Issues Before Custody Hearing

[Ohiogal]

Mom,

I disagree with the responses that you have been receiving on this issue. I agree that in ideal circumstances its best for an infant to get both mommy and daddy time every day, but you have a high conflict divorce and it is not reasonable for you to have to deal with your ex daily. In the long run it won't be best for the baby either because the baby will begin to pick up on the tension. A judge will not force you to schedule your entire life around providing time to dad every day either. Why, because the judge will realize that it means that you cannot have a life.

Do not roll over and play dead just because some people on the internet think that you should give dad what he wants because they think its best for the baby. Propose a parenting schedule that gives dad every other weekend and one or two visits during the week...two would likely be better.

Aren't you the one usually arguing that a baby should NOT be away from their primary caregiver (i.e. mom) for more than a few hours when young or they may get confused or forget the parent? And now you are saying that the child should be away from dad (someone he has seen everyday) because that is best for mom. Color me confused.

Good grief -- or what Proserpina said as we were posting at the same time and both of us are confused and even are COLORED confused.

 

[ecmst12]

At an absolute MINIMUM, every other day visitation is what's best for the child. Every day is better and that's what you've been doing up until now. You know most parents of infants don't have much chance for a social life because the baby's needs are so great. Like I said, work it out so the visits are not at your house, or so that you are not there. He doesn't need you to help him take care of his baby, he can figure it out. He isn't there to see YOU, it's not about you, it's about the child. You don't want to see him, don't (other than pickup/dropoff time).

And yes, I think working a graduated visitation schedule transitioning to more of a 50-50 schedule as he gets older is a great idea, hopefully to prevent you having to go back to court every year until he starts school.

 

[stealth2]

Mom,

I disagree with the responses that you have been receiving on this issue. I agree that in ideal circumstances its best for an infant to get both mommy and daddy time every day, but you have a high conflict divorce and it is not reasonable for you to have to deal with your ex daily. In the long run it won't be best for the baby either because the baby will begin to pick up on the tension. A judge will not force you to schedule your entire life around providing time to dad every day either. Why, because the judge will realize that it means that you cannot have a life.

Do not roll over and play dead just because some people on the internet think that you should give dad what he wants because they think its best for the baby. Propose a parenting schedule that gives dad every other weekend and one or two visits during the week...two would likely be better.

I'm not seeing where you got that it is a high conflict divorce...

 

[TheGeekess]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? VA

My final custody hearing is in July. I currently have primary. My ex has one overnight per week, and visitation in my home 5 days per week. It is an awful schedule. I cannot go anywhere. Forget trips. I have to be home every single day (except one) because he has visitation. Since this is from a temporary order, I have offered several times to my ex if he would like to take the same amount of time throughout the week and tack it onto his weekend time (so he can use it all at once). He refuses this. He stated, "Whatever visitation schedule we do, I have to be in my child's life every single day." While this is admirable, it is not a good situation for a divorced couple to be in.

I am a flexible person, but honestly, what is the point of us being divorced if we still have to see each other every day?! We have a high conflict divorce. We do not communicate well. We haven't been living together for a year, but I still don't fully feel like I can move on because I see him every day. He lives 40 minutes away from me. I am mostly a SAHM (that works weekends).

My question is about our final hearing. My lawyer and I are going for standard visitation. I have to at least have an equal amount of Sundays as he has, since we go to different churches and I want to introduce my child to my religious beliefs as much as his father gets to (which is why him having every weekend would not work). So I want to take my child to church, I want to be able to go visit friends and relatives. There's so much I'm not able to do with this schedule, and I think standard visitation is a great solution as a schedule. Right now he has the child 24 hours per week (away from my home), so standard would still be the same amount of time, just taken every other weekend.

If he insists on seeing the child every day, will he get what he wants? Do I have a good chance for standard? Anybody have any other schedule suggestions that I should go for in court?

I'm not seeing where you got that it is a high conflict divorce...

See bolded.

 

[stealth2]

Thanks - missed that. Though... "we don't communicate well" does not necessarily make t high conflict. <shrug>

 

[Zigner]

From what I read (albeit this is a very tiny window on the situation) the OP calls this a "high conflict divorce" because she has anger and hurt feelings over being rejected. Therapy is a MUST for ALL involved if this child is to have a chance at seeing parents who, while not loving each other, both love the child very much.

 

[catechismia]

While I have been hurt, that isn't the reason it's high conflict. I never said what conflicts we've had or anything because I didn't want to seem like I'm disparaging him or talking bad. But yeah, we've had major issues between us. Even our lawyers have gotten into shouting matches with each other.

Also, when I said, "We don't communicate well," that was the nice way of putting it.

 

[catechismia]

So instead Dad should roll over and play dead?

Sorry, but I'm not following the logic here.

How do you know what's best for this baby, who has been used to seeing Dad almost daily for five months out of his very short life?

Colour me confused.

Here, I totally get what you're saying, but would also like to add that when most couples get divorced, one of the parents leave. Then the child goes from seeing that parent "almost daily" (just like you said) to much less time. That seems like a normal part of divorce.

Despite that, you and everyone else on this site have given me a lot to think about. Thank you all.

 

[Ohiogal]

Here, I totally get what you're saying, but would also like to add that when most couples get divorced, one of the parents leave. Then the child goes from seeing that parent "almost daily" (just like you said) to much less time. That seems like a normal part of divorce.

Despite that, you and everyone else on this site have given me a lot to think about. Thank you all.

Actually that doesn't have to be a normal part of divorce. The fact that you wish he would go away doesn't mean he has to do so. If you want less contact with him, give him custody and you only see the baby every other weekend. Then you will have as much of a social life as you want. You do realize that being a SAHM is going to end for you, don't you? In other words, you need to get a job and start working to support yourself and the child.

 

[Ohiogal]

While I have been hurt, that isn't the reason it's high conflict. I never said what conflicts we've had or anything because I didn't want to seem like I'm disparaging him or talking bad. But yeah, we've had major issues between us. Even our lawyers have gotten into shouting matches with each other.

Also, when I said, "We don't communicate well," that was the nice way of putting it.

You realize that you are part of the conflict, don't you? If so, you need to lower the conflict by refusing to partake. If you don't realize that you are part of the conflict, you need to wake up and see your role in making it high conflict and then change YOUR behavior.

 

[catechismia]

Actually that doesn't have to be a normal part of divorce. The fact that you wish he would go away doesn't mean he has to do so. If you want less contact with him, give him custody and you only see the baby every other weekend. Then you will have as much of a social life as you want. You do realize that being a SAHM is going to end for you, don't you? In other words, you need to get a job and start working to support yourself and the child.

I said I work weekends. I am a nurse. I make enough for my expenses working weekends. I'm trying to make my child a priority right now. It's important for me to be there for him in his formative years.

I want less contact with him, not my child. I know he feels the same way. That's why what I'm looking for is to give him the same amount of time, but allocated differently. I never once in this thread suggested cutting his time. I just wanted it arranged differently.

A social life is also not what I'm looking for. I want my baby to be around my friends and family. If it were just me, I could leave the baby with Dad and go see them. But I want my child to be just as close to them as I am. However, someone already addressed that by saying they should come visit me (and they should...I need to talk to them about that).

 

[LdiJ]

So instead Dad should roll over and play dead?

Sorry, but I'm not following the logic here.

How do you know what's best for this baby, who has been used to seeing Dad almost daily for five months out of his very short life?

Colour me confused.

Pro, my ex and I did pretty much exactly what mom is doing now, and it worked out well for us because we ended up being best friends. He saw our child at my house every day after work (for many years) then he had Saturdays and I had Sundays.

However, it only worked because we ended up being best friends, and because I was willing to have NO PERSONAL LIFE. I deliberately chose not to date, not to complete a remarriage etc., because I was smart enough to know that it would never have worked long term if I did. Because my ex and I ended up being best friends it also worked that I could say "not today" we have plans, if I had a family function to attend or needed to take our child out of town for the weekend or on a family vacation.

Reality is that this kind of schedule, for almost all people, could never work in the long term. The child needs uninterrupted time with both parents, and needs to be able to interact with extended family and heaven forbid, eventually have friends and spend time with friends. This kind of schedule is a set up for failure in the long term, and a set up for ending up back in court in the relatively short term. Yes, it seems ideal for the baby, but its not going to be ideal and certainly not if mom and dad cannot end up best friends and flexible with each other. I am talking common sense here.

 

[Ohiogal]

Pro, my ex and I did pretty much exactly what mom is doing now, and it worked out well for us because we ended up being best friends. He saw our child at my house every day after work (for many years) then he had Saturdays and I had Sundays.

However, it only worked because we ended up being best friends, and because I was willing to have NO PERSONAL LIFE. I deliberately chose not to date, not to complete a remarriage etc., because I was smart enough to know that it would never have worked long term if I did. Because my ex and I ended up being best friends it also worked that I could say "not today" we have plans, if I had a family function to attend or needed to take our child out of town for the weekend or on a family vacation.

Reality is that this kind of schedule, for almost all people, could never work in the long term. The child needs uninterrupted time with both parents, and needs to be able to interact with extended family and heaven forbid, eventually have friends and spend time with friends. This kind of schedule is a set up for failure in the long term, and a set up for ending up back in court in the relatively short term. Yes, it seems ideal for the baby, but its not going to be ideal and certainly not if mom and dad cannot end up best friends and flexible with each other. I am talking common sense here.

You seem to be contradicting yourself from all the other times you have posted.

 

[LdiJ]

You seem to be contradicting yourself from all the other times you have posted.

I have not contradicted myself at all. Of course you would say that, but I have not.

 

[Just Blue]

I said I work weekends. I make enough for my expenses working weekends. I'm trying to make my child a priority right now. It's important for me to be there for him in his formative years.

I want less contact with him, not my child. I know he feels the same way. That's why what I'm looking for is to give him the same amount of time, but allocated differently. I never once in this thread suggested cutting his time. I just wanted it arranged differently.

A social life is also not what I'm looking for. I want my baby to be around my friends and family. If it were just me, I could leave the baby with Dad and go see them. But I want my child to be just as close to them as I am. However, someone already addressed that by saying they should come visit me (and they should...I need to talk to them about that).

What you are proposing is going to hinder child's bonding with father. Infants have very short term memories. EOW will cause more problems for baby. Can't you see that?