Scheduling Issues Before Custody Hearing

[catechismia]

Okay, here is the rub: If I ever want time off to go on vacation, see my family, or take baby anywhere for more than one day, he would never allow it. I know because I have tried. I have tried to switch days with him. I've offered him extra time with baby. He says no, just because he wants to be in control. One of our main issues is that he tried to control me when we were married (tell me what to wear, what I could do, what I couldn't do). If you disagree with him, it's because you're an idiot, because he's never wrong.

He is furious that he doesn't get to tell me what to do anymore. Things involving the child is all he has left. So if I ever ask him for anything, he is absolutely thrilled because it means he gets to control something regarding me again. The reason he left is because I finally told him "no," that I didn't want to do something he was telling me to do and he went off the rails about it. I was shocked. It was then that I realized he was never going to allow me to be my own person.

So even if this schedule continues, I have to have at least some room in the schedule to have some days off with the baby. I mean, at least some time. Once a month, once every two months. I cannot rely on him working with me because he won't.

You guys don't know how hard I've tried to be friendly, be flexible, be accomodating. If I'm nice to him, he takes advantage of it. We need boundaries. We need a specific court order.

 

[Ohiogal]

I have not contradicted myself at all. Of course you would say that, but I have not.

Of course I would say that? Really? Please note that I am not the only one confused by your responses on this thread.

 

[gam]

My one grandchild started parenting time with dad when he was 2 months old. So there are others out there that have been through this. While he is not my child, at the time he and my daughter lived in my home, so I was there through all of it.

It sounds to me, that when this started, you wanted to supervise the visits. Sometimes when we ask for something, it comes back to bite us in the butt. Now I understand the need to freak out with an infant and think that dad has no clue to what he is doing and you need to supervise and teach him, but then you get horrible schedules like you got.

Did you ask for supervised?

My daughter asked for 2 supervised, just to show dad the baby's routine and for baby to know dad just a bit. After that dad started taking the child every other day for 2 or 3 hours. Infants do best with short, frequent visits, so a court most often makes a schedule that will bite into both parents free time more. She also exclusively breastfed, on top of dads every other day visits, she worked part time and was a full time college student. She spent most her time doing nothing but pumping, which also bites into your free time.

Point is with an infant, your going to have a schedule that bites into your free time. I would not want yours, I would have tried to work out something different, I would have kept the visits in my home to a couple and I would have argued in court for short frequent, but not every darn day.

I would since the child is now 6 months old and you have a ways to go before your back in court, try to work out something a bit better. I know dad said no and that he wants to see the child every day, but I would be having my lawyer work with his and try to get something a bit better.

By the time my grandson was 6 months old, dads time increased from the 2-3 hours, to 5-6 hours. That then allowed them to change it to every other weekend. Now in this case, it had a catch, dad was a full time college student and went away to college, was only home on weekends, school breaks and summer. So if he was away at college he got 3 weekends a month, she got 1. When he was on breaks or for the summer, he got every other weekday and every other weekend.

When the child was 15 months old, it was May, dad was home for the summer. Overnights began, so another time increase. They then increased that to both overnights on the weekend, so he was doing standard every other weekend. Typical schedules also allow for summer vacation weeks and every other holiday break. So they started slowing adding those in. One week in June they did 2 overnights during the week. One week in July they increased that to 4 overnights during the week. One week in Aug they increased that to 6 overnights during the week. Now the child was set to just do the regular summer vacation weeks, and the standard every other holdiay break.

Shedules can change and really they should when a child starts out as an infant. I would come up with schedules that keep dad having weekly contact, more time per visit, so less frequent visits. Get off this every day contact, cause at some point dad has to realize that will change. He's in a split situation and each has separate time with the child. Most dad can hope for(unlikely he will get primary, unless your unfit), is a 50/50 schedule. Should be easy for you down the road to have that 50/50, you x amount of days, dad x amount of days, but neither having daily physical contact. Talk to your lawyer have him start working with dads lawyer, if dads lawyer can see your points, he may convince dad to change the schedule before the court date.

 

[Ohiogal]

My one grandchild started parenting time with dad when he was 2 months old. So there are others out there that have been through this. While he is not my child, at the time he and my daughter lived in my home, so I was there through all of it.

It sounds to me, that when this started, you wanted to supervise the visits. Sometimes when we ask for something, it comes back to bite us in the butt. Now I understand the need to freak out with an infant and think that dad has no clue to what he is doing and you need to supervise and teach him, but then you get horrible schedules like you got.

Did you ask for supervised?

My daughter asked for 2 supervised, just to show dad the baby's routine and for baby to know dad just a bit. After that dad started taking the child every other day for 2 or 3 hours. Infants do best with short, frequent visits, so a court most often makes a schedule that will bite into both parents free time more. She also exclusively breastfed, on top of dads every other day visits, she worked part time and was a full time college student. She spent most her time doing nothing but pumping, which also bites into your free time.

Point is with an infant, your going to have a schedule that bites into your free time. I would not want yours, I would have tried to work out something different, I would have kept the visits in my home to a couple and I would have argued in court for short frequent, but not every darn day.

I would since the child is now 6 months old and you have a ways to go before your back in court, try to work out something a bit better. I know dad said no and that he wants to see the child every day, but I would be having my lawyer work with his and try to get something a bit better.

By the time my grandson was 6 months old, dads time increased from the 2-3 hours, to 5-6 hours. That then allowed them to change it to every other weekend. Now in this case, it had a catch, dad was a full time college student and went away to college, was only home on weekends, school breaks and summer. So if he was away at college he got 3 weekends a month, she got 1. When he was on breaks or for the summer, he got every other weekday and every other weekend.

When the child was 15 months old, it was May, dad was home for the summer. Overnights began, so another time increase. They then increased that to both overnights on the weekend, so he was doing standard every other weekend. Typical schedules also allow for summer vacation weeks and every other holiday break. So they started slowing adding those in. One week in June they did 2 overnights during the week. One week in July they increased that to 4 overnights during the week. One week in Aug they increased that to 6 overnights during the week. Now the child was set to just do the regular summer vacation weeks, and the standard every other holdiay break.

Shedules can change and really they should when a child starts out as an infant. I would come up with schedules that keep dad having weekly contact, more time per visit, so less frequent visits. Get off this every day contact, cause at some point dad has to realize that will change. He's in a split situation and each has separate time with the child. Most dad can hope for(unlikely he will get primary, unless your unfit), is a 50/50 schedule. Should be easy for you down the road to have that 50/50, you x amount of days, dad x amount of days, but neither having daily physical contact. Talk to your lawyer have him start working with dads lawyer, if dads lawyer can see your points, he may convince dad to change the schedule before the court date.

Nice post. The daily visits are not forever but just for a while because they are best for baby.

 

[gam]

Nice post. The daily visits are not forever but just for a while because they are best for baby.

For the record, I would not have wanted daily and I would never have went for supervised for more then a couple visits. I advised my daughter of what happens when you ask for those supervised visits. I also pointed her to this board and a ton of others that were on here, so she could see for herself what she could end up with. She didn't want dad in her home on a regular basis, thought the tensions would cause more problems then help. She didn't want to have to send baby out every day either. So she came up with schedules, that allowed dad every other day contact, with dad in his own home. It was pretty clear to her after researching it, that the court would want frequent, shorter contact as they feel that is best for young children.

She knew she was screwed as far as her free time and how any schedule for an infant would stink for her it also STUNK FOR DAD TO. But it is what is, and the sooner you get that through your head, the sooner you can have a peaceful working split situation for your child.

By the way she went into court with a schedule on paper, dad didn't, the court used her schedule.

It is temp, the shedule can change later and you will end up with all kinds of free time for yourself and all kinds of free time to do as you please with the child.

 

[catechismia]

I didn't ask for supervised. What I said was basically that he can have an overnight (for as much time as I knew I could possibly pump for), and other than that, he could come visit whenever he wanted. The judge thought that was alright, but my ex asked for specific times in an order because he thought I would not let him come over (even though I had been). So that's when the judge made his visits for specific times in an order. We were in court because he was asking for primary, but he did not have any idea at a visitation schedule for me (if he ended up with primary). I don't know if that's because he didn't think he could win or if he just really hadn't thought about it.

Gam, you're right about this being a way to teach Dad. It ended up being good in the beginning. He had a rough time with the child at first because he had no clue how to care for an infant. I have taught him a lot and his mother has taught him a lot. At times, I still have to teach him things (like don't give chocolate ice cream to the baby, OMG, he actually did that). But he has caught on to our child's specific needs and I feel a lot more comfortable with him being in his care now.

 

[Ohiogal]

I didn't ask for supervised. What I said was basically that he can have an overnight (for as much time as I knew I could possibly pump for), and other than that, he could come visit whenever he wanted. The judge thought that was alright, but my ex asked for specific times in an order because he thought I would not let him come over (even though I had been). So that's when the judge made his visits for specific times in an order. We were in court because he was asking for primary, but he did not have any idea at a visitation schedule for me (if he ended up with primary). I don't know if that's because he didn't think he could win or if he just really hadn't thought about it.

Gam, you're right about this being a way to teach Dad. It ended up being good in the beginning. He had a rough time with the child at first because he had no clue how to care for an infant. I have taught him a lot and his mother has taught him a lot. At times, I still have to teach him things (like don't give ice cream to the baby, OMG, he actually did that). But he has caught on to our child's specific needs and I feel a lot more comfortable with him being in his care now.

You are aware that babies used to be fed cow's milk all the time, right? Ice cream is not necessarily a big deal. And what SPECIFIC needs does your child have opposed to all other infants?

 

[stealth2]

I, too, am wondering why ice cream is such a big deal... (hiding the pint behind m back very quietly...)

No, really... ice cream s not a deal-breaker.

 

[Ohiogal]

I, too, am wondering why ice cream is such a big deal... (hiding the pint behind m back very quietly...)

No, really... ice cream s not a deal-breaker.

I could see if you were feeding the child chunky monkey or something like that and the child was only three months old that that could be a problem but vanilla ice cream or a creamy milkshake is not a big deal.

 

[gam]

I could see if you were feeding the child chunky monkey or something like that and the child was only three months old that that could be a problem but vanilla ice cream or a creamy milkshake is not a big deal.

Just had bday party for my one daughter's 9 year old, she has a 3 month baby, and I tried to give him ice cream. Everybody had a fit at me, I'm like what is the big deal, I was just going to give him a taste, not the whole carton. LOL, I did it with all 3 of my kids, and my 3 other grandchildren and I am pretty positive I did it in front of both of my daughters. I know I've also done it with a taste of whip cream to.

If we are talking about vanilla ice cream, worse that is going to happen is an upset stomach, big deal. Of course there is always a chance baby is allergic to dairy, however that is rare, most are just intolerances to dairy. Mom would know anyways breastfeeding at this point if baby has a true allergy to dairy. Because mom I bet eats all kinds of dairy and the baby would have reactions through the breastmilk.

 

[Ohiogal]

Just had bday party for my one daughter's 9 year old, she has a 3 month baby, and I tried to give him ice cream. Everybody had a fit at me, I'm like what is the big deal, I was just going to give him a taste, not the whole carton. LOL, I did it with all 3 of my kids, and my 3 other grandchildren and I am pretty positive I did it in front of both of my daughters. I know I've also done it with a taste of whip cream to.

If we are talking about vanilla ice cream, worse that is going to happen is an upset stomach, big deal. Of course there is always a chance baby is allergic to dairy, however that is rare, most are just intolerances to dairy. Mom would know anyways breastfeeding at this point if baby has a true allergy to dairy. Because mom I bet eats all kinds of dairy and the baby would have reactions through the breastmilk.

Re the bolded, I am going to hope the nine year old does NOT have a 3 month old and you meant your daughter has two children. Ice cream is not the end of the world. Dang parenting books and parenting "rules" of what not to do with babies. I also disagree that babies need to put on a schedule for feeding and sleeping. Do you eat on a schedule or when you are hungry????

 

[catechismia]

You are aware that babies used to be fed cow's milk all the time, right? Ice cream is not necessarily a big deal. And what SPECIFIC needs does your child have opposed to all other infants?

All babies are different. They have different coping mechanisms, different things comfort them. You have to find what comforts your baby. Not everything works for every baby. And he had to learn that. (And it took a while for him to learn.) But he has learned now, so it's fine.

Ice cream is not a big deal, no. It's not necessary though. I didn't freak out on him or anything. I was just like, "Yeah...babies don't need to have that."

 

[Ohiogal]

All babies are different. They have different coping mechanisms, different things comfort them. You have to find what comforts your baby. Not everything works for every baby. And he had to learn that. (And it took a while for him to learn.) But he has learned now, so it's fine.

Ice cream is not a big deal, no. It's not necessary though. I didn't freak out on him or anything. I was just like, "Yeah...babies don't need to have that."

You don't NEED to have ice cream either. No one NEEDS ice cream. So you "instructing" him -- well quite frankly, you seem a bit controlling. And dad can learn what comforts his child. It may be different for how he comforts the child than how you do it, but that doesn't make it wrong. It appears that you are a first-time mother.

 

[catechismia]

You don't NEED to have ice cream either. No one NEEDS ice cream. So you "instructing" him -- well quite frankly, you seem a bit controlling. And dad can learn what comforts his child. It may be different for how he comforts the child than how you do it, but that doesn't make it wrong. It appears that you are a first-time mother.

It's wrong if it doesn't work. I know my baby. There are a few things that calm him down instantly. It is not healthy for a baby to be crying for long periods. So yes, there are wrong ways and right ways.

 

[Ohiogal]

It's wrong if it doesn't work. I know my baby. There are a few things that calm him down instantly. It is not healthy for a baby to be crying for long periods. So yes, there are wrong ways and right ways.

Let's just say I disagree with you. You don't need to instruct dad or demand he care for his child the exact same way you do. That is considered parenting choices. And as for crying not being healthy -- that depends. Do you let your baby cry him/herself to sleep? Or do you feel compelled to rock your child to sleep every night?