Primary legal and physical custody

[LloydsLane]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

My state is North Carolina.

Is there a difference between primary legal custody and sole legal custody?

My ex has primary legal and physical custody. I have week to week visitation with our daughter. My ex says that I have now no say in what our daughter does and anything I want to do with her, I must approve with him first. An example is that I must get his approval to let our daughter spend the night with a friend. Is this what should happen? My ex says that he sets all expectations and I have to abide by his rules for our daughter even on my week. What does it mean for me to have only visitation?

When the order was granted, my lawyer said that I still have some rights to our daughter. Is this wrong?

 

[mommyanme]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

My state is North Carolina.

Is there a difference between primary legal custody and sole legal custody?

My ex has primary legal and physical custody. I have week to week visitation with our daughter. My ex says that I have now no say in what our daughter does and anything I want to do with her, I must approve with him first. An example is that I must get his approval to let our daughter spend the night with a friend. Is this what should happen? My ex says that he sets all expectations and I have to abide by his rules for our daughter even on my week. What does it mean for me to have only visitation?

When the order was granted, my lawyer said that I still have some rights to our daughter. Is this wrong?

Week to week as in 7 on 7 off?



Also Please post your order word for word, redacting names. to give a clearer picture

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

My state is North Carolina.

Is there a difference between primary legal custody and sole legal custody?

My ex has primary legal and physical custody. I have week to week visitation with our daughter. My ex says that I have now no say in what our daughter does and anything I want to do with her, I must approve with him first. An example is that I must get his approval to let our daughter spend the night with a friend. Is this what should happen? My ex says that he sets all expectations and I have to abide by his rules for our daughter even on my week. What does it mean for me to have only visitation?

When the order was granted, my lawyer said that I still have some rights to our daughter. Is this wrong?

Sole legal custody means one parent has the right to make the major decisions in the child's life. Sole legal custody does NOT mean that the parent has the right to dictate the day-to-day decisions during the other parent's visitation/custody time. Not at all. Primary legal custody - if that's how it's written - tends to imply joint legal rather than sole, but no matter which way you look at it your ex is wrong here - he doesn't get to dictate what you can and can't do during your parenting time (obvious exceptions notwithstanding).

That's not what legal custody is about.

 

[LloydsLane]

Thank you both for your responses.

Yes, we both have 7 on 7 off, but mine is labeled as visitation.

I received an email from him today stating that he insists when she's in my care, that she. It be allowed to sleep over with anymore without his approval first and if I want to make any day trips or anything, I must give two weeks notice and get his approval. I really felt attacked.

In our order it states that no party shall make disparaging remarks about the other or stepmother. The stepmother tells our daughter that she cannot call me whenever she wants because the judge gave them permission papers and I only have visitation. I have tried to research how to handle these situations that keep coming up, but my ex is very arrogant and says my opinion on our daughter doesn't count. He says:

To conclude, over the last year and a half I have seen little in the way of working towards a cooperative attitude from you and I feel it best to address these issues and for you to have a clear expectation of what I expect moving forward.

I have done nothing but try to encourage our daughters relationship with the stepmom, she keeps overstepping. I don't know the right way to handle them and this situation because I do have only visitation. There is no discussing anything because he always says he has control. What do I do?

 

[mommyanme]

Thank you both for your responses.

Yes, we both have 7 on 7 off, but mine is labeled as visitation.

I received an email from him today stating that he insists when she's in my care, that she. It be allowed to sleep over with anymore without his approval first and if I want to make any day trips or anything, I must give two weeks notice and get his approval. I really felt attacked.

In our order it states that no party shall make disparaging remarks about the other or stepmother. The stepmother tells our daughter that she cannot call me whenever she wants because the judge gave them permission papers and I only have visitation. I have tried to research how to handle these situations that keep coming up, but my ex is very arrogant and says my opinion on our daughter doesn't count. He says:

To conclude, over the last year and a half I have seen little in the way of working towards a cooperative attitude from you and I feel it best to address these issues and for you to have a clear expectation of what I expect moving forward.

I have done nothing but try to encourage our daughters relationship with the stepmom, she keeps overstepping. I don't know the right way to handle them and this situation because I do have only visitation. There is no discussing anything because he always says he has control. What do I do?

Did you sign a consent order or did the judge order it and what county are you in?

How old is the order?

 

[LloydsLane]

It was ordered. It is in Franklin county.

The lawyer felt the judge gave him primary because no one was getting along, and giving it to me meant changing our daughters school.

 

[LloydsLane]

The order is about 1.5 years old. Sorry, I didn't notice that question at first.

 

[mommyanme]

It was ordered. It is in Franklin county.

The lawyer felt the judge gave him primary because no one was getting along, and giving it to me meant changing our daughters school.

NC sees it as you have joint legal and joint physical custody with him as the primary.

This is why I asked you to type out your order word for word redacting names, does it have phone contact, the judge may have ordered you to speak nicely of stepmom, but did it give her authority. If you type out the order then everyone can help you a bit more.

 

[cheesecake46580]

Yes in order for us to help you type out your order. This may change when you do that but I think dad is just on a control trip was he controlling when u guys were together? My advice would be to talk to your attorney about this and he will let you know for sure what to do. I think this is a pile of BS and you should just ignore him but you need to clarify this with your attorney and if need be have him file for a clarification hearing this way he know's how much of a donkey but dad is being. I deal with a controlling ex to it does nothing but hurt the kids.

 

[LloydsLane]

I will find my order and post the wording in the morning. I guess I should've been better prepared before posting.

It does not give stepmom authority. It just says no one on either side should. The situation is that she was my good friend and then now she's stepmom. Our daughter says she says things to her when dads not around that are inappropriate. She tells her that I shouldn't be doing things with my infant son. The situation is out of control.

 

[Proserpina]

Here's what I think is happening, Mom.

I think your husband is being ... "guided" ... by his wife, and I think they've convinced each other that they're absolutely in the right when they try to tell you what you may and may not do when your child is with you.

They're both flat out wrong (and I'm sorry, but I cannot see ANY court giving him THAT sort of authority, hence knowing the exact wording is not really key at this point).

Two weeks notice for an overnight? That's laughable. He should expect to give the same notice to you, right? He'd blow a fuse if you said that though...right? Yeap.

Dad might, if he's being a jerk about it, have a point about no phone calls if phone calls are not actually spelled out in your order. That IS a jerkish move, and it would be terribly sad if you actually had to go to court to get phone visitation.

Now having said that, you are on a week-to-week schedule - how old is your child, and what do you feel would be reasonable phone contact?

Post back and see what a bit of brainstorming can accomplish. We're pretty good at that, as a group ... even if we disagree from time to time

 

[mommyanme]

I will find my order and post the wording in the morning. I guess I should've been better prepared before posting.

It does not give stepmom authority. It just says no one on either side should. The situation is that she was my good friend and then now she's stepmom. Our daughter says she says things to her when dads not around that are inappropriate. She tells her that I shouldn't be doing things with my infant son. The situation is out of control.

While your waiting to post it, what you've been told so far seems to be right on face value so being I've dealt with the courts here for 5 years now I'll give you this much advice....

1. Remove all emotions and don't defend yourself anymore, you come out looking like a donkey's butt too

2. Document everything and keep all correspondence! Document when you've called, use a cell phone for hard copied proof, document all verbal interactions, word for word, don't embellish anything! We are a 1 party state meaning you can and should record all verbal conversations with Dad and stepmom, do not leave yourself open to "he says she says"

3. Consider what your end game is and is it best for your daughter. If it is to have you as primary, then consider moving to her school district and eliminating that obstacle.

4. No more being a donkey's butt yourself! If a judge decided to order what he did, then you are as guilty as they are, STOP IT! you are doing nothing but hurting your daughter! When she comes to you, tell her that while you appreciate that she wants you to know these things, that it is adult issues and she just needs to be a happy loving kiddo! Judges hate parents who act like this here, well just about anywhere!

5. ignore Dad's BS, you do not have to ask his permission to do anything on your own time, don't respond back to him when he says you have to, don't respond to threats of filing for a modification, do not respond unless you have to and if you do, keep it short, to the point and business like. Pretty much 1 or 2 sentences.

6. None of this sounds like legal advice to some people, but trust me, if it comes down to a modification, it is good advice and I learned it here! Doing what I've listed has had a judge listen to me more than once.

If you do get to a modification, ask for Our Family Wizard, while it may not always stop the BS, it does give you good evidence which is what you always need. Asking for clarification of the order is also a good idea, but the problem I found in this state, attorney's are not quick to do such, unless there is a contempt charge to go with it.

 

[LloydsLane]

I do know the order says reasonable phone contact. I call her every two nights or so because they don't allow her to talk to me unmonitored. It's hard to talk to her. He calls each night and as long as we're available, she talks to him. He gives me a thirty minute window, between 6.30 and 7 and most of the time, he doesn't let her talk. He says because she needs to be able to sleep by 7.30.

Stepmom is very controlling however they both say it's me. Stepmom gave my daughter and electric razor for shaving her legs and then got mad at my daughter because she told me about.

What can be done in this situation because they think they have all the rights?

She is almost 11.

 

[Proserpina]

I do know the order says reasonable phone contact. I call her every two nights or so because they don't allow her to talk to me unmonitored. It's hard to talk to her. He calls each night and as long as we're available, she talks to him. He gives me a thirty minute window, between 6.30 and 7 and most of the time, he doesn't let her talk. He says because she needs to be able to sleep by 7.30.

Stepmom is very controlling however they both say it's me. Stepmom gave my daughter and electric razor for shaving her legs and then got mad at my daughter because she told me about.

What can be done in this situation because they think they have all the rights?

She is almost 11.

Now that you've got it down on paper, and you've basically been told "Oh HELL no he can't do that", my advice is to take a break for a bit. Treat yourself or something. Nothing is going to happen tonight, and I'm sure you're already as frustrated as all Hades and reading these forums can infuriate even the most calm and serene of posters (of which we have I think ... one. And he doesn't post in family law ).

 

[LloydsLane]

Thank you guys very much for your help. From the moment this order was granted, he's been saying I need his permission to basically let my daughter breathe. They say everything I do is wrong, down to feeding her Mac and cheese on occasion. I like Mac and cheese and I make it homemade. Where really is the problem?