Primary legal and physical custody

[Proserpina]

Thank you guys very much for your help. From the moment this order was granted, he's been saying I need his permission to basically let my daughter breathe. They say everything I do is wrong, down to feeding her Mac and cheese on occasion. I like Mac and cheese and I make it homemade. Where really is the problem?

Oh .... that is hysterical!! Oh PLEASE ... please God, let Mr Or Mrs Judge read the case first and then let Dad (or... stepmom preferably, for extra points) stand up in court and explain that you - THE HORROR - feed your daughter home-made mac-n-cheese and you should be stopped immediately from feeding her anything other than Wagyu prime rib, straight-from-Japan Bluefin tuna (they'll settle for shark-fin soup if forced) or - if y'all are vegan - salads of hop shoots, white asparagus and saffron & white truffle infused extra virgin olive oil (first cold-pressed, obviously).

(If they're really generous they'd probably allow you to select "Le Burger Extravagant is made with white truffle butter-infused Japanese Wagyu beef, topped with James Montgomery cheddar cheese, black truffles and a fried quail egg. It’s served on a gold-dusted roll spread with white truffle butter and topped with a blini, crème fraiche and caviar", which will set you back a mere $295. Yes. It's a burger. For $300)

Okay, now that I've stopped laughing...

 

[LloydsLane]

I needed a good laugh. That was funny.

We are not vegan, however they insist on having our daughter eat gluten free because stepmom is and since she is, they all must be.

So, I want to post part of an email from my ex and someone tell me if there is any basis to it. I guess after reading all the responses, limited To no official order wording, this is nonsense:

First, there have been several instances over the last year where I feel the judgment of "custody" and "visitation" has been mis-understood. You have been given visitation on an every other week basis which allows for just that, visiting. As the parent with "primary physical and legal custody" I am the one making the decisions regarding My daughter's care and well being and will not be "told" by you how things will be. Also, any over night visits and sleepovers should be discussed and approved with me prior to her spending the night. I have been made aware of several instances where she has spent the night apart from you and I was never made aware of it. Additionally, she was left in a home with a male adult whom I have never met, talked to or heard of. I find this to simply be unacceptable. Also, any trips, day or otherwise, out of the state need to be discussed at least 2 weeks in advance and an address and phone number given to where my daughter can be reached. Again, I am not trying to be difficult but as the judge felt weekly visitation with you was still needed on a weekly basis I feel you should spend the week with my daughter and not send her off with someone else.

Additionally, the conversation we had by phone where you told me I shouldn't try to tell my daughter what she should do or is expected of her while with you is flat out wrong. My expectations of her work, behavior and attitude do not change regardless of where she lays her head at night. Whether you agree or not is beside the point. As her father, if she is told to do something she needs to know she must do it. You are sending a clear and wrong message by leading her to believe she does not have to do as she is told because she is under another roof. Sleep, diet, supervision; all plays a critical role in how daughter performs and the constant irregularity in her schedule and diet, while with you, is not helping her to succeed. I have been told numerous times about late bedtimes, dinners out, missed meals, last minute shopping trips late at night before school; all these things culminate in Our daughters daily activities and shows through her behavior and performance at school.


Our daughter makes all a's and b's. I've asked the teacher many times if she is struggling or if she thinks on my week there is a problem, and each time it's absolutely not. Our daughter is bright and picks up things quickly. My fear is he's putting things in an email because he is going to go back to court. I don't feel I do anything wrong. The only thing is I don't have a strict schedule with each minute planned. This week on/week off is very difficult in two completely opposite household. I have tried to work with him, but he's too arrogant to see that.

And by late bedtimes, he means 9 or 9.30, but she sleeps til 7. I've asked the doctors and they say she's fine. I don't know what else to do other.

 

[cheesecake46580]

I needed a good laugh. That was funny.

We are not vegan, however they insist on having our daughter eat gluten free because stepmom is and since she is, they all must be.

So, I want to post part of an email from my ex and someone tell me if there is any basis to it. I guess after reading all the responses, limited To no official order wording, this is nonsense:

First, there have been several instances over the last year where I feel the judgment of "custody" and "visitation" has been mis-understood. You have been given visitation on an every other week basis which allows for just that, visiting. As the parent with "primary physical and legal custody" I am the one making the decisions regarding My daughter's care and well being and will not be "told" by you how things will be. Also, any over night visits and sleepovers should be discussed and approved with me prior to her spending the night. I have been made aware of several instances where she has spent the night apart from you and I was never made aware of it. Additionally, she was left in a home with a male adult whom I have never met, talked to or heard of. I find this to simply be unacceptable. Also, any trips, day or otherwise, out of the state need to be discussed at least 2 weeks in advance and an address and phone number given to where my daughter can be reached. Again, I am not trying to be difficult but as the judge felt weekly visitation with you was still needed on a weekly basis I feel you should spend the week with my daughter and not send her off with someone else.

Additionally, the conversation we had by phone where you told me I shouldn't try to tell my daughter what she should do or is expected of her while with you is flat out wrong. My expectations of her work, behavior and attitude do not change regardless of where she lays her head at night. Whether you agree or not is beside the point. As her father, if she is told to do something she needs to know she must do it. You are sending a clear and wrong message by leading her to believe she does not have to do as she is told because she is under another roof. Sleep, diet, supervision; all plays a critical role in how daughter performs and the constant irregularity in her schedule and diet, while with you, is not helping her to succeed. I have been told numerous times about late bedtimes, dinners out, missed meals, last minute shopping trips late at night before school; all these things culminate in Our daughters daily activities and shows through her behavior and performance at school.


Our daughter makes all a's and b's. I've asked the teacher many times if she is struggling or if she thinks on my week there is a problem, and each time it's absolutely not. Our daughter is bright and picks up things quickly. My fear is he's putting things in an email because he is going to go back to court. I don't feel I do anything wrong. The only thing is I don't have a strict schedule with each minute planned. This week on/week off is very difficult in two completely opposite household. I have tried to work with him, but he's too arrogant to see that.

And by late bedtimes, he means 9 or 9.30, but she sleeps til 7. I've asked the doctors and they say she's fine. I don't know what else to do other.

LOL what a donkey butt I think I tinkled myself a little! LOL sounds exactly like something my ex would have wrote wonder if they are related!

Call your attorney asap this BS has gone on long enough already! Focus on your kid and not his BS about letting him know if you travel out of state here in indiana it is in the standing order I feel everyone should out of respect I always e mail my ex the city and tell him he can reach us by cell or call my mom to get a hold of us. My ex hates it I e mail him as we are walking out the door. This was the first summer I grew a pair and took my time and called his bluff and it was the best summer EVER! It was the support from those here that got me the pair the size of king kong!LOL Ok with that being said time for bed! LOL

 

[Proserpina]

I needed a good laugh. That was funny.

We are not vegan, however they insist on having our daughter eat gluten free because stepmom is and since she is, they all must be.

So, I want to post part of an email from my ex and someone tell me if there is any basis to it. I guess after reading all the responses, limited To no official order wording, this is nonsense:

Glad to be of service!

Now, let's look at this. It's an email from Dad, correct? I'm going to dissect as I usually would, and I'll address it directly to Dad.

First, there have been several instances over the last year where I feel the judgment of "custody" and "visitation" has been mis-understood. You have been given visitation on an every other week basis which allows for just that, visiting.

The court will allowed me to parent our child as I see fit during my parenting time. This includes and is not limited to allowing her to have sleepovers at her friend MacKenzie's house, having already obtained Mackenzie's parents' permission and having their contact information in my phone. So essentially yes, I do think you're misunderstanding the order.

As the parent with "primary physical and legal custody" I am the one making the decisions regarding My daughter's care and well being and will not be "told" by you how things will be.

Please see my previous response.

Also, any over night visits and sleepovers should be discussed and approved with me prior to her spending the night. I have been made aware of several instances where she has spent the night apart from you and I was never made aware of it.

The court order does not require me to obtain your permission.

Additionally, she was left in a home with a male adult whom I have never met, talked to or heard of. I find this to simply be unacceptable.

The court order does not require me to obtain your permission.

Also, any trips, day or otherwise, out of the state need to be discussed at least 2 weeks in advance and an address and phone number given to where my daughter can be reached.

The court order does not require me to obtain your permission, nor does it require me to give notice of when I allow our child to sleep at a friend's house.

Again, I am not trying to be difficult but as the judge felt weekly visitation with you was still needed on a weekly basis I feel you should spend the week with my daughter and not send her off with someone else.

If you wish, we can file a stipulated agreement in which we both agree that our child cannot stay overnight with anyone other than a parent, unless express permission is obtained from the other parent and with at least 48 hours notice.

Further, we can include a clause wherein we agree that leaving our mutual child with anyone other than her parent for any length of time over 2 hours must be pre-arranged and agreed upon with at least 48 hours prior notice. An exception will be made for emergencies.

Additionally, the conversation we had by phone where you told me I shouldn't try to tell my daughter what she should do or is expected of her while with you is flat out wrong. My expectations of her work, behavior and attitude do not change regardless of where she lays her head at night. Whether you agree or not is beside the point. As her father, if she is told to do something she needs to know she must do it. You are sending a clear and wrong message by leading her to believe she does not have to do as she is told because she is under another roof. Sleep, diet, supervision; all plays a critical role in how daughter performs and the constant irregularity in her schedule and diet, while with you, is not helping her to succeed. I have been told numerous times about late bedtimes, dinners out, missed meals, last minute shopping trips late at night before school; all these things culminate in Our daughters daily activities and shows through her behavior and performance at school.

The court trusts me to parent our mutual child while she is under my care. Parenting differences are just those - parenting differences. You are of course welcome to have the court address what you believe are issues.

(That's all there is from him, right?)

Our daughter makes all a's and b's. I've asked the teacher many times if she is struggling or if she thinks on my week there is a problem, and each time it's absolutely not. Our daughter is bright and picks up things quickly. My fear is he's putting things in an email because he is going to go back to court. I don't feel I do anything wrong. The only thing is I don't have a strict schedule with each minute planned. This week on/week off is very difficult in two completely opposite household. I have tried to work with him, but he's too arrogant to see that.

And by late bedtimes, he means 9 or 9.30, but she sleeps til 7. I've asked the doctors and they say she's fine. I don't know what else to do other.

I'm tired just reading that tripe - and that's exactly what it is, hun. It's tripe.

And I'll bet you one of those burgers that stepmom is the one fueling what should never have been a fire to begin with...

 

[mommyanme]

Glad to be of service!

Now, let's look at this. It's an email from Dad, correct? I'm going to dissect as I usually would, and I'll address it directly to Dad.



The court will allowed me to parent our child as I see fit during my parenting time. This includes and is not limited to allowing her to have sleepovers at her friend MacKenzie's house, having already obtained Mackenzie's parents' permission and having their contact information in my phone. So essentially yes, I do think you're misunderstanding the order.



Please see my previous response.



The court order does not require me to obtain your permission.



The court order does not require me to obtain your permission.



The court order does not require me to obtain your permission, nor does it require me to give notice of when I allow our child to sleep at a friend's house.



If you wish, we can file a stipulated agreement in which we both agree that our child cannot stay overnight with anyone other than a parent, unless express permission is obtained from the other parent and with at least 48 hours notice.

Further, we can include a clause wherein we agree that leaving our mutual child with anyone other than her parent for any length of time over 2 hours must be pre-arranged and agreed upon with at least 48 hours prior notice. An exception will be made for emergencies.



The court trusts me to parent our mutual child while she is under my care. Parenting differences are just those - parenting differences. You are of course welcome to have the court address what you believe are issues.

(That's all there is from him, right?)



I'm tired just reading that tripe - and that's exactly what it is, hun. It's tripe.

And I'll bet you one of those burgers that stepmom is the one fueling what should never have been a fire to begin with...

I agree with Pro and to set your mind at ease because I'm guessing your self esteem has taken a nose dive, The JUDGE saw YOU as being fit to raise your daughter for EQUAL time. And yes he probably is using email thinking he's gathering evidence. Let him keep writing and do what you're told here. It takes time to stand up and create boundaries and it will get worse when they see you are doing it. Just keep pushing through and reminding daughter that you love her and these are adult issues.

 

[LloydsLane]

Good morning guys and thank you again for the help.

I have found my order. So here is the wording;

The court order adjudges and decrees:

1) that primary physical and legal custody of daughter is hereby awarded to the Plaintiff (father)

2) that the defendant shall have visitation with said minor child on each alternate week so long as the defendant resides within 20 miles of the minor child's school and provides transportation for said child to attend school.

3) - 11) deal with holidays and dropped time

12) that each party shall have access to all medical records and educational records and activities relating to said minor child and the parties shall communicate with respect to said matters; that in the event of an emergency regarding said minor child, the custodial parent shall immediately notify the other parent.

13) that each party shall have reasonable phone contact with the other party when the child is with the other party.

14) that neither party shall make disparaging remarks or allow disparaging remarks to be made about the other party or family members of the other party in the presence of the minor child or when the minor child is in the home of that party.

So that is the order. The thing is, our daughter has been saying that stepmom is mean to her when dad is not around. Stepmom and dad have two children together and our daughter refers to them as the kids. She says that stepmom is the queen, daddy is the slave, and I'm the girl who visits.

I feel that they manipulate our daughter and they are trying, mainly stepmom, to alienate me. She had our daughter show her what baby foods I am feeding my infant son in the store. Then she told her I shouldn't be feeding him this and it'll hurt him. They are trying to make our daughter feel as if I cannot take care of her or my son.


I want our daughter to be happy and I feel it would be best for her to go to counseling. I've talked to him, but he just ignores me. Can I put her in counseling? Should I just ignore his emails? There is no communicating with him and at this point, whatever our daughter does at my house, she gets in trouble for there.

For instance, if she goes to bed after 7.30 or 8, her bedtime at dad's, she is made to go to bed earlier for the week. If she does a different project at my house for school than the one she was told to do, but not told to me for me to know, they make her do the extra project just to do it because he said so.

She gets in trouble for laughing the wrong way at dad's!? I think they just want control and don't care directly how it affects our daughter.

I don't know what is best to handle all this. They constantly belittling my parenting to our daughter but in a way that isn't spoken as "disparaging remarks." Stepmom is creating this, I know. She told our daughter one day when our daughter got In Trouble for something that your daddy left because of you and Now I don't get to spend time with my husband. I guess he had left after the punishment for something.

All of this I know if coming from an 11 yr old and it must be carefully listened because it may be embellished. All I can tell her is daddy and stepmom love you and you need to address it with daddy. I don't know what else to tell her.

Another question. I found out that they are trying to change her school, and found out means our daughter accidentally told me although she was instructed not to. It's more than 20 miles from me. What does this mean for me?

Thank you again.

 

[LdiJ]

Good morning guys and thank you again for the help.

I have found my order. So here is the wording;

The court order adjudges and decrees:

1) that primary physical and legal custody of daughter is hereby awarded to the Plaintiff (father)

2) that the defendant shall have visitation with said minor child on each alternate week so long as the defendant resides within 20 miles of the minor child's school and provides transportation for said child to attend school.

3) - 11) deal with holidays and dropped time

12) that each party shall have access to all medical records and educational records and activities relating to said minor child and the parties shall communicate with respect to said matters; that in the event of an emergency regarding said minor child, the custodial parent shall immediately notify the other parent.

13) that each party shall have reasonable phone contact with the other party when the child is with the other party.

14) that neither party shall make disparaging remarks or allow disparaging remarks to be made about the other party or family members of the other party in the presence of the minor child or when the minor child is in the home of that party.

So that is the order. The thing is, our daughter has been saying that stepmom is mean to her when dad is not around. Stepmom and dad have two children together and our daughter refers to them as the kids. She says that stepmom is the queen, daddy is the slave, and I'm the girl who visits.

I feel that they manipulate our daughter and they are trying, mainly stepmom, to alienate me. She had our daughter show her what baby foods I am feeding my infant son in the store. Then she told her I shouldn't be feeding him this and it'll hurt him. They are trying to make our daughter feel as if I cannot take care of her or my son.


I want our daughter to be happy and I feel it would be best for her to go to counseling. I've talked to him, but he just ignores me. Can I put her in counseling? Should I just ignore his emails? There is no communicating with him and at this point, whatever our daughter does at my house, she gets in trouble for there.

For instance, if she goes to bed after 7.30 or 8, her bedtime at dad's, she is made to go to bed earlier for the week. If she does a different project at my house for school than the one she was told to do, but not told to me for me to know, they make her do the extra project just to do it because he said so.

She gets in trouble for laughing the wrong way at dad's!? I think they just want control and don't care directly how it affects our daughter.

I don't know what is best to handle all this. They constantly belittling my parenting to our daughter but in a way that isn't spoken as "disparaging remarks." Stepmom is creating this, I know. She told our daughter one day when our daughter got In Trouble for something that your daddy left because of you and Now I don't get to spend time with my husband. I guess he had left after the punishment for something.

All of this I know if coming from an 11 yr old and it must be carefully listened because it may be embellished. All I can tell her is daddy and stepmom love you and you need to address it with daddy. I don't know what else to tell her.

Another question. I found out that they are trying to change her school, and found out means our daughter accidentally told me although she was instructed not to. It's more than 20 miles from me. What does this mean for me?

Thank you again.

Oh, you need to get your attorney and get right back into court ASAP.

You need the judge to make it crystal clear that dad cannot make the rules for your house.
You need the judge to make it crystal clear that dad cannot punish the child for what happens at your house that is your parenting choice.

You need to get the judge to order that dad cannot change the child's school without your agreement.

 

[LloydsLane]

So he cannot make these changes without my agreement even though he has primary legal?

I've tried to research this stuff, but I can't find a definition for primary legal. My lawyer left me with the impression that dad makes all legal, religious and so on decisions

 

[Just Blue]

So he cannot make these changes without my agreement even though he has primary legal?

I've tried to research this stuff, but I can't find a definition for primary legal. My lawyer left me with the impression that dad makes all legal, religious and so on decisions

Based on your posting...No he can not.

 

[LdiJ]

So he cannot make these changes without my agreement even though he has primary legal?

I've tried to research this stuff, but I can't find a definition for primary legal. My lawyer left me with the impression that dad makes all legal, religious and so on decisions

If your lawyer left you with that impression, then that impression may be correct. However, you have a clause in your agreement that you only retain 50/50 timeshare if you live within 20 miles of your child's school. If dad changes schools, causing your home to be more than 20 miles from the school, that is bad faith on his part. That needs to be nipped in the bud. The judge would have every right to require that dad not change the child's school...or remove that restriction.

Also, someone having primary custody would normally indicate that the other parent has secondary custody.

The other things, dad is dead wrong about. No judge would give any parent that kind of power over the other parent, and punishing the child for your home having different rules is absolutely unacceptable. As is most of the other garbage he is spouting.

 

[LloydsLane]

Thank you guys very much.

Is it best to ignore him or will it appear as though I'm not trying to communicate about our daughter? Should I dissect his email as pro did, trying to reinforce that the court order doesn't require his consent and so on?

I wish things were different. I can talk to him about our daughter if stepmom isn't around. If she is around, he's arrogant and telling me my opinion about our daughter no longer matters because he has control.

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you guys very much.

Is it best to ignore him or will it appear as though I'm not trying to communicate about our daughter? Should I dissect his email as pro did, trying to reinforce that the court order doesn't require his consent and so on?

I wish things were different. I can talk to him about our daughter if stepmom isn't around. If she is around, he's arrogant and telling me my opinion about our daughter no longer matters because he has control.

You need to rush to court about the school thing at least...to make sure that dad is not permitted to change her school without your agreement, or in the alternative to lift the restriction that you have to live within 20 miles of her school. If you are going to be there for that anyway, you might as well address the issues of dad trying to make the rules for your house, and punishing the child for not following them. Let your attorney see that email that he sent to you...and make sure you fully fill in your attorney as to what has been going on.

You might even want to discuss the possibility of reversing the primary custody.

 

[Proserpina]

You need to rush to court about the school thing at least...to make sure that dad is not permitted to change her school without your agreement, or in the alternative to lift the restriction that you have to live within 20 miles of her school. If you are going to be there for that anyway, you might as well address the issues of dad trying to make the rules for your house, and punishing the child for not following them. Let your attorney see that email that he sent to you...and make sure you fully fill in your attorney as to what has been going on.

You might even want to discuss the possibility of reversing the primary custody.

I agree - in particular with the last part.

This is NOT good faith parenting, and it's not co-parenting on his part, and it's absolutely lousy stick-your-nose-in busybody-ing by stepmom. This needs to be nipped in the bud - NOW.

 

[stealth2]

Of course, gluten free and vegan are not remotely similar.

 

[Ohiogal]

I needed a good laugh. That was funny.

We are not vegan, however they insist on having our daughter eat gluten free because stepmom is and since she is, they all must be.

So, I want to post part of an email from my ex and someone tell me if there is any basis to it. I guess after reading all the responses, limited To no official order wording, this is nonsense:

First, there have been several instances over the last year where I feel the judgment of "custody" and "visitation" has been mis-understood. You have been given visitation on an every other week basis which allows for just that, visiting. As the parent with "primary physical and legal custody" I am the one making the decisions regarding My daughter's care and well being and will not be "told" by you how things will be. Also, any over night visits and sleepovers should be discussed and approved with me prior to her spending the night. I have been made aware of several instances where she has spent the night apart from you and I was never made aware of it. Additionally, she was left in a home with a male adult whom I have never met, talked to or heard of. I find this to simply be unacceptable. Also, any trips, day or otherwise, out of the state need to be discussed at least 2 weeks in advance and an address and phone number given to where my daughter can be reached. Again, I am not trying to be difficult but as the judge felt weekly visitation with you was still needed on a weekly basis I feel you should spend the week with my daughter and not send her off with someone else.

As an attorney, I can legitimately say he is a moron and is simply unacceptable in his email. Take it court. Until then, tell him to pound sand. If HE has your cell phone, he needs nothing more for what you do on your time unless the court order SPECIFICALLY states it. What a freaking idiot he is.

Additionally, the conversation we had by phone where you told me I shouldn't try to tell my daughter what she should do or is expected of her while with you is flat out wrong. My expectations of her work, behavior and attitude do not change regardless of where she lays her head at night. Whether you agree or not is beside the point. As her father, if she is told to do something she needs to know she must do it. You are sending a clear and wrong message by leading her to believe she does not have to do as she is told because she is under another roof. Sleep, diet, supervision; all plays a critical role in how daughter performs and the constant irregularity in her schedule and diet, while with you, is not helping her to succeed. I have been told numerous times about late bedtimes, dinners out, missed meals, last minute shopping trips late at night before school; all these things culminate in Our daughters daily activities and shows through her behavior and performance at school.

You are the child's mother and have the same rights he does. Tell him to bite you (nicely of course). Actually tell him to take you to court -- you dare him, double dare him and double dog dare him. The court would definitely SLIME* him for that.

Our daughter makes all a's and b's. I've asked the teacher many times if she is struggling or if she thinks on my week there is a problem, and each time it's absolutely not. Our daughter is bright and picks up things quickly. My fear is he's putting things in an email because he is going to go back to court. I don't feel I do anything wrong. The only thing is I don't have a strict schedule with each minute planned. This week on/week off is very difficult in two completely opposite household. I have tried to work with him, but he's too arrogant to see that.

And by late bedtimes, he means 9 or 9.30, but she sleeps til 7. I've asked the doctors and they say she's fine. I don't know what else to do other.

You can quit letting your ex and his new bedbuddy intimidate you and try to dictate what you do. Tell him to take you to court. After you tell him that he is to pound sand, quit monitoring your phone calls, quit dictating activities at YOUR house and quit interfering with YOUR parenting of YOUR child.

*Slime = Nickelodeon reference.