Primary legal and physical custody

[Ohiogal]

Good morning guys and thank you again for the help.

I have found my order. So here is the wording;

The court order adjudges and decrees:

1) that primary physical and legal custody of daughter is hereby awarded to the Plaintiff (father)

2) that the defendant shall have visitation with said minor child on each alternate week so long as the defendant resides within 20 miles of the minor child's school and provides transportation for said child to attend school.

3) - 11) deal with holidays and dropped time

12) that each party shall have access to all medical records and educational records and activities relating to said minor child and the parties shall communicate with respect to said matters; that in the event of an emergency regarding said minor child, the custodial parent shall immediately notify the other parent.

13) that each party shall have reasonable phone contact with the other party when the child is with the other party.

14) that neither party shall make disparaging remarks or allow disparaging remarks to be made about the other party or family members of the other party in the presence of the minor child or when the minor child is in the home of that party.

So that is the order. The thing is, our daughter has been saying that stepmom is mean to her when dad is not around. Stepmom and dad have two children together and our daughter refers to them as the kids. She says that stepmom is the queen, daddy is the slave, and I'm the girl who visits.

I feel that they manipulate our daughter and they are trying, mainly stepmom, to alienate me. She had our daughter show her what baby foods I am feeding my infant son in the store. Then she told her I shouldn't be feeding him this and it'll hurt him. They are trying to make our daughter feel as if I cannot take care of her or my son.


I want our daughter to be happy and I feel it would be best for her to go to counseling. I've talked to him, but he just ignores me. Can I put her in counseling? Should I just ignore his emails? There is no communicating with him and at this point, whatever our daughter does at my house, she gets in trouble for there.

For instance, if she goes to bed after 7.30 or 8, her bedtime at dad's, she is made to go to bed earlier for the week. If she does a different project at my house for school than the one she was told to do, but not told to me for me to know, they make her do the extra project just to do it because he said so.

She gets in trouble for laughing the wrong way at dad's!? I think they just want control and don't care directly how it affects our daughter.

I don't know what is best to handle all this. They constantly belittling my parenting to our daughter but in a way that isn't spoken as "disparaging remarks." Stepmom is creating this, I know. She told our daughter one day when our daughter got In Trouble for something that your daddy left because of you and Now I don't get to spend time with my husband. I guess he had left after the punishment for something.

All of this I know if coming from an 11 yr old and it must be carefully listened because it may be embellished. All I can tell her is daddy and stepmom love you and you need to address it with daddy. I don't know what else to tell her.

Another question. I found out that they are trying to change her school, and found out means our daughter accidentally told me although she was instructed not to. It's more than 20 miles from me. What does this mean for me?

Thank you again.

Tell dad that you are putting your child in counseling on YOUR time. Give him the counselor's name and number. If he or stepmom tries to interfere, go to court for custody. By changing their school, they are trying to limit your time. You need to fight them.

 

[LloydsLane]

So, you guys are saying it will not look bad on my part to respond to his email essentially saying a mixture of what Pro and Ohiog said?

Something like this:

The court will allowed me to parent our daughter as I see fit during my parenting time. This includes and is not limited to allowing her to have sleepovers at a friend's house, having already obtained their permission and having their contact information in my phone. So essentially yes, I do think you are misunderstanding the order. However, the court order does not require me to obtain your approval, permission, or to give notice of the events that take place on my parenting time.

The courts also trust me to parent our mutual child while she is under my care. Parenting differences are just that- parenting differences.

I am her mother and I have the same rights as do you. I would appreciate that from this point forward you allow Mackenzie to have reasonable, uninterrupted and unmonitored phone contact with me, quit trying to dictate what she can or cannot do while in my care, and quit interfering with my parenting of our mutual child.

Thank you



I think my ex really believes that they were given permission papers to tell me what I can and cannot do with our daughter. They actually told her that mom doesn't get to make any decisions about you, she only gets to visit you.


By the way, I do know vegan and gluten free are not remotely the same; I was only making a point of a difference in lifestyles, but you guys have apparently great senses of humor.

Thank you guys for all your help and advice.

 

[Ohiogal]

So, you guys are saying it will not look bad on my part to respond to his email essentially saying a mixture of what Pro and Ohiog said?

Something like this:

The court will allowed me to parent our daughter as I see fit during my parenting time. This includes and is not limited to allowing her to have sleepovers at a friend's house, having already obtained their permission and having their contact information in my phone. So essentially yes, I do think you are misunderstanding the order. However, the court order does not require me to obtain your approval, permission, or to give notice of the events that take place on my parenting time.

The courts also trust me to parent our mutual child while she is under my care. Parenting differences are just that- parenting differences.

I am her mother and I have the same rights as do you. I would appreciate that from this point forward you allow Mackenzie to have reasonable, uninterrupted and unmonitored phone contact with me, quit trying to dictate what she can or cannot do while in my care, and quit interfering with my parenting of our mutual child.

Thank you



I think my ex really believes that they were given permission papers to tell me what I can and cannot do with our daughter. They actually told her that mom doesn't get to make any decisions about you, she only gets to visit you.


By the way, I do know vegan and gluten free are not remotely the same; I was only making a point of a difference in lifestyles, but you guys have apparently great senses of humor.

Thank you guys for all your help and advice.

Add the phrase "for day to day decisions" after the "same rights as you" in the sentence "I am her mother and I have the same rights as do you" then send it.
If he doesn't like it, let him take you to court. This is a control game. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[LloydsLane]

Thank you very much!

 

[mommyanme]

Add the phrase "for day to day decisions" after the "same rights as you" in the sentence "I am her mother and I have the same rights as do you" then send it.
If he doesn't like it, let him take you to court. This is a control game. Nothing more, nothing less.

That right there is why I said I learned here

Keep everything in case he does get a wild hair, but more than likely, you will be the one filing for a modification, my ex didn't want to call my bluff and file himself, but I did end up filing.

Keep a separate folder in your email titled ex or whatever and place all correspondence in it, that way you can't accidentally delete it.

If you decide to record verbal conversations, you do not have to tell them and do it with a digital recorder, my judge wanted it from the actual recording device and be prepared to have it dictated by a professional.

Trust the seniors here and trust that if you take the high road eventually the judges will see your ex for what he is, sometimes it takes awhile though, just be patient!

 

[LloydsLane]

You guys have helped so much.

What is the best way to deal with the stepmom who is narcissistic? They both painted a pretty picture in court the first go round, saying everything right. Behind closed doors, and especially if dad isn't around, our daughter feels the brunt of her personality.

What is the opinion on allowing our daughter to see her grandmother (dad's mom) on my time? Ex stopped speaking to his mother and she has only seen her grandson from stepmom twice. They don't allow her contact with our daughter because she still has a relationship to me. Ex said in court that he and his mom had reconciled, but as soon as it was over, everything got worse.

I don't have a problem allowing our daughter to visit and spend time with her grandmother, but ex says I should stop.

 

[LdiJ]

You guys have helped so much.

What is the best way to deal with the stepmom who is narcissistic? They both painted a pretty picture in court the first go round, saying everything right. Behind closed doors, and especially if dad isn't around, our daughter feels the brunt of her personality.

What is the opinion on allowing our daughter to see her grandmother (dad's mom) on my time? Ex stopped speaking to his mother and she has only seen her grandson from stepmom twice. They don't allow her contact with our daughter because she still has a relationship to me. Ex said in court that he and his mom had reconciled, but as soon as it was over, everything got worse.

I don't have a problem allowing our daughter to visit and spend time with her grandmother, but ex says I should stop.

Again, not ex's decision.

 

[Zigner]

You guys have helped so much.

What is the best way to deal with the stepmom who is narcissistic? They both painted a pretty picture in court the first go round, saying everything right. Behind closed doors, and especially if dad isn't around, our daughter feels the brunt of her personality.

What is the opinion on allowing our daughter to see her grandmother (dad's mom) on my time? Ex stopped speaking to his mother and she has only seen her grandson from stepmom twice. They don't allow her contact with our daughter because she still has a relationship to me. Ex said in court that he and his mom had reconciled, but as soon as it was over, everything got worse.

I don't have a problem allowing our daughter to visit and spend time with her grandmother, but ex says I should stop.

Why was stepmom allowed in the court room?

 

[LloydsLane]

Was there a chance she shouldn't have been allowed?

Court with them was horrible. They were both rolling their eyes and snickering. Not having her in there would've been much better.

 

[Zigner]

Was there a chance she shouldn't have been allowed?

Court with them was horrible. They were both rolling their eyes and snickering. Not having her in there would've been much better.

I would have requested that she not be allowed in the court room.

 

[mommyanme]

I would have requested that she not be allowed in the court room.

Unfortunately, that is a hard request to have honored here. My ex has had every gf in the court room and do the exact same as the OP said is done to her. I can't answer why they allow it.

 

[LloydsLane]

I didn't know I could do that. How is that possible if they put her on the stand?

She's the one that actually filled out the court paperwork to file for full custody because it was in her handwriting. She makes our daughter call her mom and if she didn't, our daughter would get in trouble. They lied about all of this in court, and as soon as it was over, the attacking began.

To my opinion, she's overstepped in every chance she gets. She tries to be the one to let our daughter do things for the first time- shaving, putting on makeup, anything. Simple things I do, they make a fuss. I got our daughters hair cut because it was long and scraggly, and stepmom tells daughter it doesn't look good. That I took her to a bad stylist. Afterwords, daughter's opinion changes. She'll initially like something, get feedback at stepmom's house, which is how she refers to it, and then say she never liked it and I shouldn't have done it.

Will taking them to court stop this nonsense? I just cannot put into words how bad this situation has gotten, all the while they're making it out like everything I do is wrong to our daughter.

 

[LloydsLane]

I don't know if this makes a difference, but we've been separated/divorced for a little over 5 years give or take. In the beginning, we had a mutual agreement for 50/50 shared parenting and stuff. Then, he tried for full custody about two years ago.

It's not as though it's new and anything is being done out of spite. That has all passed on my end. I seriously just want our daughter happy and to feel loved by all parties involved. I really expected they would've calmed down by now. They're only getting worse

Somehow they know everything we do all day long. Our daughter says that they question her all the time about bedtimes and dinner and who she played with and where she went and what time she did this and what I do. It's crazy.

 

[mommyanme]

I don't know if this makes a difference, but we've been separated/divorced for a little over 5 years give or take. In the beginning, we had a mutual agreement for 50/50 shared parenting and stuff. Then, he tried for full custody about two years ago.

It's not as though it's new and anything is being done out of spite. That has all passed on my end. I seriously just want our daughter happy and to feel loved by all parties involved. I really expected they would've calmed down by now. They're only getting worse

Somehow they know everything we do all day long. Our daughter says that they question her all the time about bedtimes and dinner and who she played with and where she went and what time she did this and what I do. It's crazy.

I hate to say it, but there is a good chance it won't stop, but you may get protection from the courts a little at a time. Your biggest thing is to have good hard evidence to provide to the courts. Take your daughter to a good child therapist on your time, like you were told.

Tell them to pound sand, like OG said, each time they try to control you. Or just ignore it and be the Mom that you are.

The best thing you can do is be healthy yourself, go to a therapist also who can help you gain your self esteem and tools to know when to be quiet and when to make your boundaries known, without sounding like you are just as dysfunctional.

A deputy who watched my ex act like an asinine fool when the judge left the court room gave me great advice once...."Be patient, continue to gain knowledge, know your adversary by quietly watching their behavior"

 

[LloydsLane]

Sound advice from the deputy.

Again, thank you guys for your help.