Is there such a thing as third part interference regarding step parents?

[mhb3]

What is the name of your state? Georgia

Im a mom of three. This particular situation pertains to my youngest daughter (7). Our custody agreement is as follows "Parties share joint legal custody of the minor child. Mother shall be primary physical custodian of the minor child, father shall be secondary physical custodian. If parties cannot agree mother shall have final decision making as to education, medical, extra curricular and religious needs of the child." My daughter has "visitation" with her father every Tuesday and Wednesday and every other Friday- Sunday. Our original order was established in 2011 and modified 2016 after they filed a petition to be awarded Sole custody. It ended with their motion being denied, back child support along with a modification to child support made and her fathers visitation being shortened approximately 5 days a month. Needless to say, since then I feel its in my best interest to follow the court order to a T.

I have some questions/concerns regarding my daughters step mother. Our relationship has been strained the past several years, every effort possible has been made to be civil and co parent to the best of my ability within reason. Things are ok as long as I am in agreeance with what step mom suggests, the minute I disagree, it's a nightmare. All communication regarding my daughter is done through her step mother. I have tried multiple times to stop this and only communicate with her father to no avail. If I don't communicate with her, there's no communication at all. While I understand that her role as my daughters step mother is important, I don't believe decisions regarding my daughter are hers to make. Circumstances have changed significantly as most of my daughters time with her father is spent with her step mom. I also feel as if I am constantly being manipulated or "rail roaded" along with my daughter. Is there something I can do to stop the interference and communicate with her father only? Below are examples of what I feel is un necessary interference.

My daughter is in advanced classes. She has always exceeded all expectations. Lately, she has been struggling with her advanced vocabulary. She recently missed a week of school because she went out of town with her dad and step mom. Upon returning she has a mountain of make up work to attend to. When at her dads, they were studying her vocabulary and my daughter missed them all. Her stop mom was frustrated, and asked if she had seen the words before, my daughter told her she didnt remember them. Step mom reached out to teach who told her they had reviewed them once a week for 2 weeks. (my daughter was gone a week) My daughter was then reprimanded and accused of lying. After speaking with her teachers and counselor I was told that my daughter hasnt been paying attention lately and is slower at finishing her work than everyone else, she' s also become withdrawn from other students in her class. I was told that my daughter is afraid to make a mistake because her step mother will be mad. She also told the counselor that she doesn't know what to say when she gets in trouble at her dads because her step mom gets mad if she doesn't answer right.

On more than one occasion, she has listed herself as the primary contact on school and extra curricular activities.

Had an issue over the summer with one of my daughters sporting complexes. I went in to the office to talk with them about some billing discrepancies. After pulling up her account I was told they would have to wait on her step mother because she had listed herself as the only billing contact

She insists on being present at all school conferences (with or without my childs father) and doctors appointments. She has changed or canceled appointments if she was unable to attend and informed me after the fact.

If a discussion regarding my daughters academics takes place and I decide I'm going to reach out to teachers, office staff, etc. She asks that I copy her and informs me if I dont, she will reach out herself.

She reaches out to my childs teacher constantly without bringing anything to my attention first.

She sends messages such as " Is it safe to say you will pay for all school activities and costs since you receive child support now?'

This past summer, conversation went as follows:
Step Mom: For the summer, how do you want to do it? We were hoping to split 50/50
Me: I thought it would stay the same. I'll have to think about it
Step Mom: Just forget I asked
Me: Ok
Step Mom: Not sure why it would be a big deal but whatever. That kinda makes no sense to me what your reasoning would be.
Me: All I said what I'll have to think about. No need for the quick smart response.
Step Mom: The quick response was because there isn't anything to think about, it's one more night at our house, thats it. But you want to have control over her life and decisions so you want to start stuff when it is unnecessary. Nothing can ever be easy. But it's fine, you'll still get your child support.

Last week, my husband was at the store and saw the Halloween costume my daughter wanted and decided to pick it up for her because the price was great! My daughter was thrilled. My daughter informed me her step mom was "real mad" that we got her a costume. Yesterday, I was told that it was selfish and disrespectful of us to buy her a costume and I was taking away from them because it's their year to trick or treat with her. I told her that they were welcome to use the costume but didnt have to as my daughter could wear it to Fall Festivals we plan to attend this month. (Keep in mind i have two other children that with me full time)

I could write pages and pages reviewing instances, but my big question is, is there something legal I can do about this? Trying the civil way and requesting all communication and decisions be made through her father aren't working. It's not my intent to be petty, parenting is hard, co parenting is harder, I want whats best for my daughter and do not think I should have to battle her step mom for the rest of my life.

 

[Zigner]

Grow a back-bone.
With that out of the way...you have absolutely no obligation to speak to step-mom what-so-ever. Can you tell me how it is that step-mom has so much control when daughter is with them only 5 days per month?

 

[mhb3]

Ok, what's your suggestion to growing a back bone?
I think you misread the visitation. She is with her dad every Tuesday and Wednesday and every other weekend. 2016 modification took 5 days from dads times.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? Georgia

Im a mom of three. This particular situation pertains to my youngest daughter (7). Our custody agreement is as follows "Parties share joint legal custody of the minor child. Mother shall be primary physical custodian of the minor child, father shall be secondary physical custodian. If parties cannot agree mother shall have final decision making as to education, medical, extra curricular and religious needs of the child." My daughter has "visitation" with her father every Tuesday and Wednesday and every other Friday- Sunday. Our original order was established in 2011 and modified 2016 after they filed a petition to be awarded Sole custody. It ended with their motion being denied, back child support along with a modification to child support made and her fathers visitation being shortened approximately 5 days a month. Needless to say, since then I feel its in my best interest to follow the court order to a T.

I have some questions/concerns regarding my daughters step mother. Our relationship has been strained the past several years, every effort possible has been made to be civil and co parent to the best of my ability within reason. Things are ok as long as I am in agreeance with what step mom suggests, the minute I disagree, it's a nightmare. All communication regarding my daughter is done through her step mother. I have tried multiple times to stop this and only communicate with her father to no avail. If I don't communicate with her, there's no communication at all. While I understand that her role as my daughters step mother is important, I don't believe decisions regarding my daughter are hers to make. Circumstances have changed significantly as most of my daughters time with her father is spent with her step mom. I also feel as if I am constantly being manipulated or "rail roaded" along with my daughter. Is there something I can do to stop the interference and communicate with her father only? Below are examples of what I feel is un necessary interference.

My daughter is in advanced classes. She has always exceeded all expectations. Lately, she has been struggling with her advanced vocabulary. She recently missed a week of school because she went out of town with her dad and step mom. Upon returning she has a mountain of make up work to attend to. When at her dads, they were studying her vocabulary and my daughter missed them all. Her stop mom was frustrated, and asked if she had seen the words before, my daughter told her she didnt remember them. Step mom reached out to teach who told her they had reviewed them once a week for 2 weeks. (my daughter was gone a week) My daughter was then reprimanded and accused of lying. After speaking with her teachers and counselor I was told that my daughter hasnt been paying attention lately and is slower at finishing her work than everyone else, she' s also become withdrawn from other students in her class. I was told that my daughter is afraid to make a mistake because her step mother will be mad. She also told the counselor that she doesn't know what to say when she gets in trouble at her dads because her step mom gets mad if she doesn't answer right.

On more than one occasion, she has listed herself as the primary contact on school and extra curricular activities.

Had an issue over the summer with one of my daughters sporting complexes. I went in to the office to talk with them about some billing discrepancies. After pulling up her account I was told they would have to wait on her step mother because she had listed herself as the only billing contact

She insists on being present at all school conferences (with or without my childs father) and doctors appointments. She has changed or canceled appointments if she was unable to attend and informed me after the fact.

If a discussion regarding my daughters academics takes place and I decide I'm going to reach out to teachers, office staff, etc. She asks that I copy her and informs me if I dont, she will reach out herself.

She reaches out to my childs teacher constantly without bringing anything to my attention first.

She sends messages such as " Is it safe to say you will pay for all school activities and costs since you receive child support now?'

This past summer, conversation went as follows:
Step Mom: For the summer, how do you want to do it? We were hoping to split 50/50
Me: I thought it would stay the same. I'll have to think about it
Step Mom: Just forget I asked
Me: Ok
Step Mom: Not sure why it would be a big deal but whatever. That kinda makes no sense to me what your reasoning would be.
Me: All I said what I'll have to think about. No need for the quick smart response.
Step Mom: The quick response was because there isn't anything to think about, it's one more night at our house, thats it. But you want to have control over her life and decisions so you want to start stuff when it is unnecessary. Nothing can ever be easy. But it's fine, you'll still get your child support.

Last week, my husband was at the store and saw the Halloween costume my daughter wanted and decided to pick it up for her because the price was great! My daughter was thrilled. My daughter informed me her step mom was "real mad" that we got her a costume. Yesterday, I was told that it was selfish and disrespectful of us to buy her a costume and I was taking away from them because it's their year to trick or treat with her. I told her that they were welcome to use the costume but didnt have to as my daughter could wear it to Fall Festivals we plan to attend this month. (Keep in mind i have two other children that with me full time)

I could write pages and pages reviewing instances, but my big question is, is there something legal I can do about this? Trying the civil way and requesting all communication and decisions be made through her father aren't working. It's not my intent to be petty, parenting is hard, co parenting is harder, I want whats best for my daughter and do not think I should have to battle her step mom for the rest of my life.

Yes, stepmom is seriously overstepping. Yes, you should seriously stick to the court orders to an absolute T. Do not allow any variations at all.

Its up to you whether or not you want to file a motion in court to stop third party interference. I think that I probably would be her insistence at being in charge of everything and being present for doctor's appointments and such is pretty over the top.

However, I do think that your daughter would benefit from some counseling. It would help her learn some coping mechanisms to deal with her overbearing stepmother. Its best to work on that now, so that it doesn't become a hot mess once the teenage years kick in.

 

[mhb3]

Thank you. I requested a referral from the school counselor for my daughter. I'm hoping to be proactive and address the issues shes presented before they escalate!

 

[Just Blue]

You DO NOT "need" or "try" to coparent with SM. She is legally nothing to your child. If I were you and Dad refuses to talk/deal/communicate with you...Oh well. Too bad so sad Dad. But DO NOT deal with SM.

File to stop the third party interference. Also put the child in therapy to help her cope with SM.

 

[t74]

You need to look at what you posted. Was your husband interfering because he chose the child's Halloween costume when it was dad's holiday? This is a goose and gander situation.

Whoever is paying the bill should be the billing contact. Who was the responsible party for the situation you are complaining about? If step-mom is the one who actually makes the payments for the child, why should she not be the contact? If your parent were doing so, would you not expect him/her to be the contact? If you want to be the contact, you should assume all responsibility for the payments.

By the way, your other two children do not matter in your child's relationship with her dad and step-mom. You mentioning them indicates you seem to expect special consideration due to them.

While step-mom is overreaching, you are playing the "perfect parent" victim and contributing to the situation through your actions and inactions. Reread your original post.

Besides having the child in counseling, all four of you parents and step-parents would benefit from a divorced parents program.

 

[xylene]

My daughter is in advanced classes.

Maybe 'advanced classes' are not appropriate for her.

 

[mhb3]

Agreed. That very well may be the case

 

[mhb3]

When writing this post it was not my intent to portray myself as the perfect parent or victim. I'll be the first to admit I'm far from perfect. I'm in a situation that is not familiar and I'm not sure what the right thing to do is hence writing this post for advice!

No I didn't think he was interfering as it wasnt intended to replace whatever they had planned. Born parties have purchased Halloween Costumes over the years when it wasnt one or the others holiday, I've never been upset by it.

The billing was split 50/50. I pay half, they pay half therefore both should be billing contacts in my opinion.

You are correct that my other two children do not play a part in my daughter's relationship with her dad and step mom but they do in our family life. I mentioned them for 2 reasons. 1. Holidays such as halloween, am I as a parent of 3 supposed to buy for my other two and tell my daughter no every other year? My goal is to be fair
Secondly it was mentioned because as their mom I believe consistency is important. It's hard enough for her schedule going back and and forth, even harder for her to understand why she has to go AT TIMES and they dont. Changing the agreed arrangement for the summer didn't feel like a wise decision for the sake of consistency. I dont expect special consideration because of them just believe their relationship is important.

 

[Zigner]

I'm going to speak to your concern for "consistency" only. Your child is going to have to learn to be flexible. You should assist her with that.

 

[t74]

You state you are not upset by things that obviously matter to dad yet you expect the other side to adjust when you are upset.

I repeat that ALL of you need professional help for the benefit of your shared child.

You need to learn how to duck - like know when to let an annoyance roll off like water off of a duck's back. Rather than being upset that the other set of parents has taken on a responsibility that you think you should share, make a list and divide it so you do not have to communicate on the payment details and be grateful you have others willing to do the time consuming actions involving your child's activities. I would have loved for someone to help out!

You and step-mom need to learn to work together. Your child is only 7; you both will love having an ally when she is a teen. Even if you have to make the first move and give a little, it will be worth it in the long run.

 

[stealth2]

I think that it can really be important to consider what may be important to the other parent - and that goes both ways. When you share a kid and you are not married to the other parent, it is especially so. I would likely be a bit aggravated if my ex (or the new spouse) were to buy a Halloween costume for my Halloween. I know, I know, she can wear it for other activities on your time, but maybe Dad was planning on surprising kiddo with the one she really wanted - and your husband kinda crushed that plan. Same with holiday/birthday gifts. My two learned to ask for different gifts from each of us, so there wouldn't be duplicates and no one was disappointed.

It gets further complicated as kids get older, and you have puberty issues to deal with. Feminine Hygiene products, bras, shaving, birth control, etc... I remember my younger being so upset when her stepmom mentioned taking her bra shopping. She didn't need one (yet), but we went anyway so she had that experience with me. Or when my older was getting to the point of shaving - I mentioned it to Dad, as it seemed to be a thing they should share. (LOL I ended up discovering chins are no more difficult than knees!)

Yes, stepmom in your situation is overstepping. So you need to figure out how to stay a step (ha!) ahead. But you should also keep in mind how some actions by your husband may feel to your ex. It will help kiddo in the long run.

 

[LdiJ]

You state you are not upset by things that obviously matter to dad yet you expect the other side to adjust when you are upset.

I repeat that ALL of you need professional help for the benefit of your shared child.

You need to learn how to duck - like know when to let an annoyance roll off like water off of a duck's back. Rather than being upset that the other set of parents has taken on a responsibility that you think you should share, make a list and divide it so you do not have to communicate on the payment details and be grateful you have others willing to do the time consuming actions involving your child's activities. I would have loved for someone to help out!

You and step-mom need to learn to work together. Your child is only 7; you both will love having an ally when she is a teen. Even if you have to make the first move and give a little, it will be worth it in the long run.

I have to say that in my opinion you are totally off the wall here. The mother of these children needs to work with the father of these children, but the mother of these children DOES NOT have to learn to work with dad's new wife. Dad's new wife needs to learn her place and back off.

 

[t74]

Again we disagree. There is what is legal and what is in the best interest of the child. As long as there is nothing illegal in acting in the best interest of the child, why would a parent - or step-parent - not go the extra mile and and do so. I would hate to think that the 7 YO is the adult in this situation.