Is there such a thing as third part interference regarding step parents?

[mhb3]

I see that your ex is a class act. (Like, it only sucks for him to get every other year? And that a 7 year old should "suck it up, buttercup".)

I believe your letter would have been more effective if it had been sorter and contained more declarative sentences, fewer squishy ones.

Example:

"Attached are messages received [date] from [whoever - school counsellor/teacher]."

Nothing about "I feel" "I think" "willing" - there is no "try", there is only "do" and "not do".

If you end up in court, ask for a modification that parents use a form of communication that is admissible in court, and then stick with it.

Just start communicating only with dad. You don't make a big announcement or give ultimatums - just do it. Stepmom texts you, and it's not an emergency? Send text to dad, replying, "RE text about [whatever]: ". If he continues to say he's delegating to stepmom, and you need to co-parent with her, respond, "Actually, I don't. She's not the parent. I need to co-parent with an actual parent."

About counselling: take the school's recommendation, and get the kid into counselling during your parenting time. Make sure that they know that it's during your parenting time, and that Dad and his wife don't have standing to cancel appts during your parenting time.

About a group meeting at the school among parents and stepparents: respond to the request, with a cc to Dad, stepparents, stating that you would be open to such a meeting. Let Dad and stepmom hoist their petards or gracefully do the right thing - it's their choice.

Perhaps your school is very attentive, or maybe things are even more out of hand than you know. My kid's schools have never noticed anything, or offered anything - and I've actually asked for help - they seem content that the kid is performing well above grade level, and minds her own business. If the notes to you from the school were unsolicited, as a defense measure I would follow through. Let the school counsellor know what steps you are taking to follow through with the recommendations.

Good point, I'll remember that in future communication.
I'm definitely taking their recommendation seriously, the appointment has already been made for her counseling.

Until this point, we've been blessed with a good experience at the school. This situation has me thinking otherwise though, seems like they waited to long to say something.

 

[LdiJ]

I think it is more that t74 has a bias against drama llamas, and assumes that all dysfunctionality is due to mama drama llamas.

I have found in dealing with my ex husband that my being "reasonable" does not ensure that he will be reasonable. I only have some control over my own actions. For example, I can inform the ex that the kid has a concert or dance performance. I cannot make the ex come to see the kid perform. And, when he does show up for a performance, I cannot control how he behaves.



Would it be a good idea to suggest that the mother here consider requesting that communications go through Our Family Wizard, or whatever seems to be approved by courts in her area?

I think Mom should start documenting these incidents, in case it comes up in court. I concur with commentator that it would be good for OP to be prepared for whatever eventuality.

Our family wizard would definitely be helpful, but I still think that this particular stepmother needs her wings clipped. I envision many problems in the future, I can see graduations, weddings, the birth of grandchildren and everything else being times of stress and distress instead of happy times because this stepmother doesn't know her place.

 

[mhb3]

Do any of you have any experience using Our Family Wizard? The reviews are terrible but its hard to tell if the negative reviews are due to disgruntled parents or legitimate concerns

 

[Zigner]

There is a similar service called Talking Parents. Yes, people hate it when there is actually proof of the junk that spews out of their fingers.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Our family wizard would definitely be helpful, but I still think that this particular stepmother needs her wings clipped. I envision many problems in the future, I can see graduations, weddings, the birth of grandchildren and everything else being times of stress and distress instead of happy times because this stepmother doesn't know her place.

In order for stepmom to get her wings clipped, OP needs proof that stepmom is overstepping.

Of course that will come when stepmom demands that she have equal standing in OFW or Standing Families, and/or starts communicating as "dad".

 

[mhb3]

I have all the texts, emails etc. That's something else I need to prepare for (communicating as dad) it's happened before. Its usually easy for me to tell the difference because of the differences in grammar, punctuation, etc but I'm sure that is irrelevant if it were to go to court.

Something else that's been brought to my attention.. our final order outlines legal and physical, holidays, etc but doesn't have a parenting plan attached. Is there a specific "type" of parenting plan that is recommended in Georgia?

 

[stealth2]

My daughter has "visitation" with her father every Tuesday and Wednesday and every other Friday- Sunday. Our original order was established in 2011 and modified 2016 after they filed a petition to be awarded Sole custody. It ended with their motion being denied, back child support along with a modification to child support made and her fathers visitation being shortened approximately 5 days a month.

our final order outlines legal and physical, holidays, etc but doesn't have a parenting plan attached.

I guess I'm confused. If the order doesn't have a parenting plan, how did you arrive at Tu/We, and eow weekend? How (specifically) was Dad's parenting time shortened? Or was it all just specified as percentages and you two figured out the time split?

 

[mhb3]

I might be wrong or misinformed. Our papers are titled "Consent Order" and reference the original agreement from 2011. It was done through court and mediation. It Includes 8 Paragraphs

1. Plantiffs complaint for Modification of Custody is Denied
2. Outlines change in parenting time
3. Final Decision Making
4. Minor shall not be exposed to cigarette smoke
5. Addresses back child support
6. Court modifies plantiffs obligation to pay child support
7. Each party is responsible for his or her attorney fees
8. Any and all provisions set forth in the order filed on 11/22/11 shall remain in full force and effect

The original outlines Custody and Regular visitation, Holiday visitation, Attorneys fees, Child Support and Medical Insurance.

I was told that often there's a parenting plan attached that is more specific than what I have??

 

[stealth2]

Anything much more specific is going to border on micro-managing, IMO.

 

[LdiJ]

I might be wrong or misinformed. Our papers are titled "Consent Order" and reference the original agreement from 2011. It was done through court and mediation. It Includes 8 Paragraphs

1. Plantiffs complaint for Modification of Custody is Denied
2. Outlines change in parenting time
3. Final Decision Making
4. Minor shall not be exposed to cigarette smoke
5. Addresses back child support
6. Court modifies plantiffs obligation to pay child support
7. Each party is responsible for his or her attorney fees
8. Any and all provisions set forth in the order filed on 11/22/11 shall remain in full force and effect

The original outlines Custody and Regular visitation, Holiday visitation, Attorneys fees, Child Support and Medical Insurance.

I was told that often there's a parenting plan attached that is more specific than what I have??

There can be parenting plans that are more specific, but a separate parenting plan does not always exist. Sometimes the court orders themselves are specific, which appears to be what is going on in your case.

 

[mhb3]

Ok, thank you! That makes sense!

I agree, too many specifics would be over the top.

 

[stealth2]

LOL I was suddenly reminded of a time when I spent a half hour or so on the phone responding to stepMom's comments with "Thank you for your opinion. Could I please speak with the children's father?" I'm still surprised that she didn't hang up and did finally give Dad the phone.

 

[mhb3]

lord have mercy. I've gotten, anything you need to say to my husband can be said in front of or to me.

 

[mhb3]

I've yet to figure out in the midst of this mess is how to simply explain that 1. I'm not jealous of you nor do I want your husband 2. I have no desire to speak to either of you unless it concerns our daughter and 3. I just want you to back off, respect the fact that she has an involved mother and allow me to be a parent/co-parent without it being a non stop battle.

 

[Whimsy]

I've yet to figure out in the midst of this mess is how to simply explain that 1. I'm not jealous of you nor do I want your husband 2. I have no desire to speak to either of you unless it concerns our daughter and 3. I just want you to back off, respect the fact that she has an involved mother and allow me to be a parent/co-parent without it being a non stop battle.

By telling, not asking. Politely telling, of course, but leaving no room for doubt that this is what you expect, not something you're asking for. If it sounds like you're imploring both of them to agree, that gives the step-mother way too much power and the father too much of an opportunity to weasel out of his responsibility to co-parent with you. And do not deal with the "I don't want your husband" nonsense. Anything that comes close to drama, stay away from it. Don't feed that wolf.

You can express far more with your attitude and actions than you can with words. Communicate with the father as concisely and politely as you can, directly and to the point. React to any attempt by the step-mother to involve herself by politely reminding her that she is not your co-parent.