Is there such a thing as third part interference regarding step parents?

[LdiJ]

Again we disagree. There is what is legal and what is in the best interest of the child. As long as there is nothing illegal in acting in the best interest of the child, why would a parent - or step-parent - not go the extra mile and and do so. I would hate to think that the 7 YO is the adult in this situation.

I wouldn't expect the 7 year old to be the adult either. However, this thread clearly demonstrates a seriously overstepping stepparent who seriously needs her wings clipped. Why you would tell the mother to kowtow to her is beyond my comprehension.

However is does emphasize your serious anti mother bias.

 

[Just Blue]

Again we disagree. There is what is legal and what is in the best interest of the child. As long as there is nothing illegal in acting in the best interest of the child, why would a parent - or step-parent - not go the extra mile and and do so. I would hate to think that the 7 YO is the adult in this situation.

I totally disagree with you. OP need not try and "co-parent" with SM. SM is totally out of line and really should have a RO placed on her.

 

[mhb3]

I appreciate all of the feed back. While I know that this is an open forum and I should have been prepared for all opinions, I must sadly admit some just blew me away, I can't imagine any mother being ok with this . While I understand and appreciate an open mind and non biased opinions, I have realized that its very difficult to present facts on these things without disclosing the identity of all involved. Once again, I feel I must clarify that I am not perfect nor am I claiming to be. In fact I am feeling as if I may have failed my daughter by letting certain things go on for too long which in turn means I HAVE FAILED AS HER MAMA. By trying to co-parent with step mom to the point of not having a "back bone" as some call it, I have unintentionally allowed confusion to be present to my daughter. I haven't enforced boundaries as I should have. Quite frankly all of this is foreign territory and I don't know what is right or wrong in this situation. The only thing I know to do is gauge my opinions off of my daughter and try to do what I feel is best for her.
All that aside, I wanted to follow up as I met with my attorney this afternoon and now know what I can do legally. (Maybe this will help someone else) I met with my attorney with custody agreement in hand, emails from school faculty, referral from the counselor and conversations. 1. As many said, I am not legally required to communicate with SM at all. Not only am I not required, the fact that dad will not communicate presents another issue in itself. 2. I am not required to allow SM to attend doctors appointments or conferences unless dad is present. 3. SM signature on any legal document or school record is not valid as she is not a custodial parent. 4. I am legally allowed to request correspondence be sent to dad and I only. 4. I am drafting a letter requesting that all communication be done through dad and I. It will be mentioned that my husband will render the same respect and all decisions will be made directly through her parents (of course other opinions within each family will be considered) If that doesn't work, my attorney will send a letter on my behalf. If that doesn't work we will be going to request a modification. I was told that the communication from the school as well as texts, and phone calls are enough for me to present a case.
I will update soon.

Thanks again for all of your honest feedback

 

[Just Blue]

I appreciate all of the feed back. While I know that this is an open forum and I should have been prepared for all opinions, I must sadly admit some just blew me away, I can't imagine any mother being ok with this . While I understand and appreciate an open mind and non biased opinions, I have realized that its very difficult to present facts on these things without disclosing the identity of all involved. Once again, I feel I must clarify that I am not perfect nor am I claiming to be. In fact I am feeling as if I may have failed my daughter by letting certain things go on for too long which in turn means I HAVE FAILED AS HER MAMA. By trying to co-parent with step mom to the point of not having a "back bone" as some call it, I have unintentionally allowed confusion to be present to my daughter. I haven't enforced boundaries as I should have. Quite frankly all of this is foreign territory and I don't know what is right or wrong in this situation. The only thing I know to do is gauge my opinions off of my daughter and try to do what I feel is best for her.
All that aside, I wanted to follow up as I met with my attorney this afternoon and now know what I can do legally. (Maybe this will help someone else) I met with my attorney with custody agreement in hand, emails from school faculty, referral from the counselor and conversations. 1. As many said, I am not legally required to communicate with SM at all. Not only am I not required, the fact that dad will not communicate presents another issue in itself. 2. I am not required to allow SM to attend doctors appointments or conferences unless dad is present. 3. SM signature on any legal document or school record is not valid as she is not a custodial parent. 4. I am legally allowed to request correspondence be sent to dad and I only. 4. I am drafting a letter requesting that all communication be done through dad and I. It will be mentioned that my husband will render the same respect and all decisions will be made directly through her parents (of course other opinions within each family will be considered) If that doesn't work, my attorney will send a letter on my behalf. If that doesn't work we will be going to request a modification. I was told that the communication from the school as well as texts, and phone calls are enough for me to present a case.
I will update soon.

Thanks again for all of your honest feedback

Thank You for the update. I'm glad you have an attorney to assist you with this bizarre woman! I was a bit surprised at some of the posting on this thread as well.

Please let us know how things go after Dad gets the letter.

Blue

 

[t74]

I totally disagree with you. OP need not try and "co-parent" with SM. SM is totally out of line and really should have a RO placed on her.

We only have mom's view of the situation. From the language in her posts, I have the feeling she is exaggerating the situation. I do not suggest she "kowtow" but try to find a way to cooperate. Since she wants stepmom to butt out, her husband should do so as well. What stepmom cannot do, neither should stepdad. She admitted that stepdad is also involved, and she justifies it by bringing up her other children.

All of them need to figure out how to get along or they will find the poor child in the psychiatrist's and pediatrician's offices with serious issues. Since OP seems so concerned, she needs to be the one to take the lead. Rather than a RO they need an appointment to begin family counseling.

 

[mhb3]

We only have mom's view of the situation. From the language in her posts, I have the feeling she is exaggerating the situation. I do not suggest she "kowtow" but try to find a way to cooperate. Since she wants stepmom to butt out, her husband should do so as well. What stepmom cannot do, neither should stepdad. She admitted that stepdad is also involved, and she justifies it by bringing up her other children.

All of them need to figure out how to get along or they will find the poor child in the psychiatrist's and pediatrician's offices with serious issues. Since OP seems so concerned, she needs to be the one to take the lead. Rather than a RO they need an appointment to begin family counseling.

1. What exactly do you think is over exaggerated?
2. My husband bought a halloween costume, he didn't cancel an appointment, schedule a private conference or any of the above. How is that an accurate comparison?
3. Until this current reply I dont believe I've "justified" anything. You seem to have missed the fact my husband is not my kids' father! That comment holds no ground.

 

[LdiJ]

1. What exactly do you think is over exaggerated?
2. My husband bought a halloween costume, he didn't cancel an appointment, schedule a private conference or any of the above. How is that an accurate comparison?
3. Until this current reply I dont believe I've "justified" anything. You seem to have missed the fact my husband is not my kids' father! That comment holds no ground.

Please understand that this particular poster has a serious bias against all mothers. You will not get a fair answer to any of your questions.

 

[Ohiogal]

Please understand that this particular poster has a serious bias against all mothers. You will not get a fair answer to any of your questions.

And LD is biased for all mothers. She will not give you a fair answer to any of your questions either.

 

[commentator]

We are obviously dealing with a person who has the stepmother's point of view.

OP, we are not attacking you, but we are trying to point out to you that you need to change your point of view instead of looking at this as something you can go to court and MAKE this woman stop it with her "custodial interference" without your having communicated a complete change of attitude and behavior from you. The father should be the one you deal with. You should not necessarily have to have any communications with her. As for her cancelling meetings because she can't be there...way overstepping. But you, not the court on your behalf, are the one who has to deal with it.

And you and your daughter both need to develop skills that will enable you to stand away from this very controlling third party that Dad has introduced into your lives. Not necessary to confront and battle her, just to learn to firmly refuse to allow her to push her way through obbstacles and be the controlling party.

This will take work. Of course it will be a good thing to get your daughter into counseling. And I think you yourself would profit from some guidance from a qualified family counselor on how for you to deal with this situation. Obviously your husband has married a very take charge and managing person, who, from the comments just here, is extremely angry about the (air quotes) "child support" that you are receiving, would like to argue that they should pay nothing, since "THEY" are doing so much of the parenting. That sounds like her motivation, wouldn't surprise me if the situation goes on as it is right now and you suddenly find yourself back in court with husband's lawyer claiming that they're in fact doing most of the parenting and asking for custody. I've seen that one played out before. Don't let yourself be blindsided.

How to "grow some cahones" as it has been suggested you do? I much prefer to say more simply, be firm. It is not easy to change one's basic nature, but it does not require court orders or legal action. Find out exactly how things are supposed to work according to your current custody arrangements. Find out and decide exactly what she can and cannot do legally and appropriately. This person does not sound like a person who you need to bend over backward to co parent with, she sounds like the camel that sticks its head in the tent and eventually pushes you out of the tent completely.

Stand firm and have a plan (preferably worked out ahead of things with a good advisor) to deal with each and every occasion in which she has overstepped in the past and will doubtless try to do going forward. Be prepared for her to act out. Have a plan for what you will tell her -- through your ex husband. Set firm ground rules for how you will communicate with the pair of them, so she can't trap you in an intimidating conversation.

 

[Just Blue]

And LD is biased for all mothers. She will not give you a fair answer to any of your questions either.

I'm only biased against child molesters...So I think I gave a fair and unbiased answer(s) to OP. Yay me!!

 

[Just Blue]

Please understand that this particular poster has a serious bias against all mothers. You will not get a fair answer to any of your questions.

Seriously? smh...

 

[not2cleverRed]

Please understand that this particular poster has a serious bias against all mothers. You will not get a fair answer to any of your questions.

I think it is more that t74 has a bias against drama llamas, and assumes that all dysfunctionality is due to mama drama llamas.

I have found in dealing with my ex husband that my being "reasonable" does not ensure that he will be reasonable. I only have some control over my own actions. For example, I can inform the ex that the kid has a concert or dance performance. I cannot make the ex come to see the kid perform. And, when he does show up for a performance, I cannot control how he behaves.

And LD is biased for all mothers. She will not give you a fair answer to any of your questions either.

Would it be a good idea to suggest that the mother here consider requesting that communications go through Our Family Wizard, or whatever seems to be approved by courts in her area?

I think Mom should start documenting these incidents, in case it comes up in court. I concur with commentator that it would be good for OP to be prepared for whatever eventuality.

 

[mhb3]

We are obviously dealing with a person who has the stepmother's point of view.

OP, we are not attacking you, but we are trying to point out to you that you need to change your point of view instead of looking at this as something you can go to court and MAKE this woman stop it with her "custodial interference" without your having communicated a complete change of attitude and behavior from you. The father should be the one you deal with. You should not necessarily have to have any communications with her. As for her cancelling meetings because she can't be there...way overstepping. But you, not the court on your behalf, are the one who has to deal with it.

And you and your daughter both need to develop skills that will enable you to stand away from this very controlling third party that Dad has introduced into your lives. Not necessary to confront and battle her, just to learn to firmly refuse to allow her to push her way through obbstacles and be the controlling party.

This will take work. Of course it will be a good thing to get your daughter into counseling. And I think you yourself would profit from some guidance from a qualified family counselor on how for you to deal with this situation. Obviously your husband has married a very take charge and managing person, who, from the comments just here, is extremely angry about the (air quotes) "child support" that you are receiving, would like to argue that they should pay nothing, since "THEY" are doing so much of the parenting. That sounds like her motivation, wouldn't surprise me if the situation goes on as it is right now and you suddenly find yourself back in court with husband's lawyer claiming that they're in fact doing most of the parenting and asking for custody. I've seen that one played out before. Don't let yourself be blindsided.

How to "grow some cahones" as it has been suggested you do? I much prefer to say more simply, be firm. It is not easy to change one's basic nature, but it does not require court orders or legal action. Find out exactly how things are supposed to work according to your current custody arrangements. Find out and decide exactly what she can and cannot do legally and appropriately. This person does not sound like a person who you need to bend over backward to co parent with, she sounds like the camel that sticks its head in the tent and eventually pushes you out of the tent completely.

Stand firm and have a plan (preferably worked out ahead of things with a good advisor) to deal with each and every occasion in which she has overstepped in the past and will doubtless try to do going forward. Be prepared for her to act out. Have a plan for what you will tell her -- through your ex husband. Set firm ground rules for how you will communicate with the pair of them, so she can't trap you in an intimidating conversation.

Thank you very much. Your post does make perfect sense. And you're right, not being firm has been my downfall. Your statement in paragraph 3 is exactly what led me to ask questions and consult my attorney. Situations like these are difficult to decipher when you have emotion and your childs well being at heart. Wanted to be sure I wasn't out of line in my thoughts regarding communication with SM as I dont want anything to be based on personal emotion, strictly what is best for my daughter. I thought non biased parties would be best for that!

I sent dad an email last night politely insisting communication and parental decisions be done between him and I.

Definitely going to take your advice regarding a plan for all scenarios.

 

[mhb3]

I'm just going to leave these right here... maybe this will shed light on both sides. Below is a letter sent to Dad along with the response received....

As you know, recent events at school have brought some issues to our attention. I received messages from the school counselor stating the following

“She feels she has to keep secrets between houses” “I spoke with her yesterday and she reports everything is fine, nothing is making her sad, uncomfortable or angry. She did mention that the work in Gateway is getting a little harder but understands that it is going to be more challenging than the regular work in xxxxx room. I asked her about everything possible concerning both families and here at school, but just will not open up about it. I sent home with her an envelope that has some local counseling services and highlighted the ones I feel would be most effective in dealing with family related situations. I will continue to talk with her frequently but wonder if she sees someone outside the school would be more effective in getting her to “warm up” and talk about what she is feeling. I also think it might be helpful to set up an appointment where you, xxx and xxx all sit down together to discuss some ways to better help xxx in the class room. I can also join if you would like. I will continue to stay in touch with any developments.

In addition to the notes from the counselor and teachers, xxx has made several comments at both houses that raise concern. When studying parts of speech, she was confused, I referenced a silly song I learned while in elementary school regarding parts of speech. Once I reached the verse regarding verbs being an “action word” xxx stated but xx that’s not what xx said. At your house, she has felt the need at times to confirm you have communicated certain things to me. She has made comments since the school issue came to surface about “not making xx mad”. After I was confronted about the Halloween costume this year, xx mentioned that xx was mad.

Being mindful of all the above, I feel it is necessary to change the course of action. I have struggled with the situation on my own but overlooked it for the sake of trying to do what was best for xx. It has become a major boundary issue and appears to have left xx confused. It is my goal to eliminate the issues she is having and deal with them now. It appears our attempts to do right by our daughter are not successful. We have tried co-parenting between your wife and I to no avail. It seems the more I give, the more I’m pushed. I’m no longer willing to give to that extent as it is not benefiting our daughter in a positive manner. I have previously requested majority communication and decision making be done between you and I, but that hasn’t been enforced either. Going forward, please limit communication regarding our daughter between you and I. XX does not need to contact me unless it is an emergency that regards our daughter or her care. XX does not need to sign school documents or alter them as a guardian. You and I are her custodial parents. Primary contact information for all academics and extra-curricular activities should list you and I as primary contacts with XX and XX being emergency contacts. School conferences, doctors’ appointments, etc. should not be made or altered by anyone but you or myself. Communication with teachers, advisers, and coaches should be done by you or I, her parents, not anyone else. I am politely requesting that our custody agreement be enforced to the fullest regarding communication, extra curricular, parenting time and academics. It is my goal to do what is best for X and resolve all of the above in a civil manner, however if you are not willing to meet the guidelines of our agreement or communicate with me strictly regarding X, I will not hesitate to move to the next step.



Response:
Once again we are back to square one. X confronts you about something and you enforce the communication policy. FineX whatever and next time don't "politely request" and threaten me at the same time.

As for the issues at school, she doesn't need counseling. If things continue to get worse and worse then yeah maybe we talk about next steps but she is doing well in everything and just has to adjust to learning new things with all her activities. Plus she was out a week of school for vacation so that didn't help things.

X has to get over saying that's not the way XX, daddy, teacher, or mommy taught me. That's not an excuse not to listen to someone else and if she's struggling with something maybe it wouldn't hurt if she listened to someone else's opinion.

And yeah, the Halloween Costume was a dick move...it sucks enough only getting her every other year so when you take a part of that away from us it sucks.

Thanks,

 

[not2cleverRed]

I see that your ex is a class act. (Like, it only sucks for him to get every other year? And that a 7 year old should "suck it up, buttercup".)

I believe your letter would have been more effective if it had been sorter and contained more declarative sentences, fewer squishy ones.

Example:

"Attached are messages received [date] from [whoever - school counsellor/teacher]."

Nothing about "I feel" "I think" "willing" - there is no "try", there is only "do" and "not do".

If you end up in court, ask for a modification that parents use a form of communication that is admissible in court, and then stick with it.

Just start communicating only with dad. You don't make a big announcement or give ultimatums - just do it. Stepmom texts you, and it's not an emergency? Send text to dad, replying, "RE text about [whatever]: ". If he continues to say he's delegating to stepmom, and you need to co-parent with her, respond, "Actually, I don't. She's not the parent. I need to co-parent with an actual parent."

About counselling: take the school's recommendation, and get the kid into counselling during your parenting time. Make sure that they know that it's during your parenting time, and that Dad and his wife don't have standing to cancel appts during your parenting time.

About a group meeting at the school among parents and stepparents: respond to the request, with a cc to Dad, stepparents, stating that you would be open to such a meeting. Let Dad and stepmom hoist their petards or gracefully do the right thing - it's their choice.

Perhaps your school is very attentive, or maybe things are even more out of hand than you know. My kid's schools have never noticed anything, or offered anything - and I've actually asked for help - they seem content that the kid is performing well above grade level, and minds her own business. If the notes to you from the school were unsolicited, as a defense measure I would follow through. Let the school counsellor know what steps you are taking to follow through with the recommendations.