California. I had a Child Custody Hearing this morning and I started crying when I woke up, couldn't stop and I've heard the horror stories about courts and showing your emotions, so I didn't even go. I was the Petitioner, who filed, to have physical custody changed from the father having it, back to me. Since he has it for the last 2 years, he has violated every stipulation within our current orders, over and over. He terminated my joint legal custody all by himself too. After reading so much info. about getting custody changed, I got scared this morning and just knew, from after what I'd read, it wouldn't happen. My plans are to give up all my rights to my son and visitation. I can't handle what the father does to me and if it will make him stop inflicting emotional abuse upon my son and I, then the best thing for me to do is give up. Which I have, as of today. Never would have thought this would happen to me.
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Too Afraid To Go To Hearing Today
- Thread starter MsTKirk
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You need to see if you can get back in there , and reschedule .MsTKirk said:
Pull yourself together . If you have to refile if it has been dismissed . Call or write the Judge for a reschedule . Explain yourself and all your allegations .
Are you really serious about giving up on your child . Most Parents that care would fight hell and high water .
This isn't about you , it's about your child and if what you say is true about the emotional abuse , there are ways to deal with that , Law Guardian through the Court , counseling .
Orders about NO derogatory talking to the Child , etc .
It can't be all that bad . Remember there is always someone in worse shoes .
Stands like a fist , women .
When you fail to appear for court especially a petition you made, you lose by default. Furthermore, you demonstrate your lack of fitness. If your ex has custody, there must be a reason and most likely you knew you would not be able to prove to the court a change. What was the reason you were not awarded custodial custody and why did you lose joint legal? Are you paying child support? Are you drug and alcohol free? Any probations? What have you done to prove your fitness?
ResponsibleOne
Junior Member
I don't know how it is in your state but in Arizona I started my case by myself. I stood there in front of the judge and told him exactly how I felt and what was going on. He looked me dead in my eyes and really listened...............
That was the most wonderful part, he asked me questions to make sure he clearly understood what it was I was trying to say to him. When my ex got up to speak the judge did the same thing. It was scary as hell but it was great, I really felt as though he was interested in what we both had to say and what our views were. Although the x tried to paint me as unfit the judge saw through it and awarded me sole custody. I know at times we get discouraged and feel like we are not going to prevail but just remember these judges are here to help us and to help our children. If you felt strong enough to file the paper work you have to see it through. I would go back and try to reschedule like others have said, I know it is scary and intimidating at times but you have to continue to fight through your fear, especially if you in your hearts of hearts believe this is what is best for your little ones. Our children are the most important things to us, and it can be imobilzing to feel as though you could lose them. Good luck.
I have found that if I keep positive people who care about me around in my presence they can really help me through the moments when you feel as though you are not strong enough to continue to fight or moments of self doubt. These boards are helpful also. But you have to fight for your little ones.
That was the most wonderful part, he asked me questions to make sure he clearly understood what it was I was trying to say to him. When my ex got up to speak the judge did the same thing. It was scary as hell but it was great, I really felt as though he was interested in what we both had to say and what our views were. Although the x tried to paint me as unfit the judge saw through it and awarded me sole custody. I know at times we get discouraged and feel like we are not going to prevail but just remember these judges are here to help us and to help our children. If you felt strong enough to file the paper work you have to see it through. I would go back and try to reschedule like others have said, I know it is scary and intimidating at times but you have to continue to fight through your fear, especially if you in your hearts of hearts believe this is what is best for your little ones. Our children are the most important things to us, and it can be imobilzing to feel as though you could lose them. Good luck.
I have found that if I keep positive people who care about me around in my presence they can really help me through the moments when you feel as though you are not strong enough to continue to fight or moments of self doubt. These boards are helpful also. But you have to fight for your little ones.
I got discouraged once and didn't show ( the Petitioner ) , and the case was dismissed . The X couldn't be located .
I wish I had known the Laws then . Eventually I re - Petitioned and won mostly , but I missed a big part of growing up with my children .
If you have to re-Petition after the order is made , but try and see if you can reschedule .
File all your proofs of Abuse as Exhibits ( copies ) and type out a Petitioners affidavit , and type out the abuse and type SEE Exhibit A B C and so on , along with your Petition . My girlfriends son's father is in Prison for murder in the Apt . they lived in . He also beat her when she was pregnant . She got out , and turned him in for the murder .
I wish I had known the Laws then . Eventually I re - Petitioned and won mostly , but I missed a big part of growing up with my children .
If you have to re-Petition after the order is made , but try and see if you can reschedule .
File all your proofs of Abuse as Exhibits ( copies ) and type out a Petitioners affidavit , and type out the abuse and type SEE Exhibit A B C and so on , along with your Petition . My girlfriends son's father is in Prison for murder in the Apt . they lived in . He also beat her when she was pregnant . She got out , and turned him in for the murder .
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Thanks to those that have replied so far to my "cowardness" of not carrying through what I had started.
Little more info. for about my case:
This would have been the 3rd time going through a 'custody battle' with the father. In 2001 he filed to have all of my rights to custody terminated with no visitation, and he wanted to move out of the area with the child...
reasons: I was a smoker, allowed my kids to eat sweets and drink soda, let them watch the movie "American Pie ll" (by accident) and at that time my husband(not the father), and I were verbally abusive to each other.
Father was awarded: 50% legal custody, primary physical custody, could not remove the child from the county.
Mother got: 50% legal custody, daily visitation, alternating weekends and shared holidays, couldn't smoke in child's presence
Nine months later,I divorced my husband(not the father), and the Father re-files again, using the same Declaration from 2001 filing and again asking for the same things: Terminate All My Custody and Visitation.
Father got: 50% legal custody, Sole Physical Custody, couldn't move the child from the county
Mother got: 50% legal custody, 1 day a week visitation, alternate weekends, shared holidays and 10 sessions of therapy and orderd to quit smoking
2005, I have now filed because the Father does all the thing those "Parent Alienators" do, and has changed son's school, never telling me, moved his residence, never told me, put's my son out of town during my visitation and/or enrolls him into sports program with the Father as the acting coach, all during my visitation. Never offering to make up my lost time. Child's punishment when getting in any trouble is "not being able to use phone to call mother". Enrolled my son into therapy because he claims my negative talk has caused their relationship harm and he openly admits that he records all of my phone conversations that I have with my son. FIGURED I WAS A FOR SURE WINNER NOW, SO I FILED FOR CUSTODY.
Went before the court mediator...he recommended:
50% legal custody, remain in place...Sole Physical Custody remain as is, Mother's visitation remain as is and, MOTHER completes 12 SESSIONS OF THERAPY and enroll into 6 week co-parenting course.
Now tell me..WOULD YOU HAVE SHOWED UP TO COURT WITHOUT SHOWING ANY EMOTIONS, I couldn't do it, it came out naturally and I still don't know what happened in court today. My son called, but I didn't pick up the phone, he left a message telling me that his Dad and him are going on a last minute camping trip and he was wondering how I was doing. That told me, the Father was awarded everything, so much so he's celebrating with a camping trip and then must have said something to my son, in order for him to ask how i was doing. I can't talk to him right now..hatin' myself bigtime!!
Little more info. for about my case:
This would have been the 3rd time going through a 'custody battle' with the father. In 2001 he filed to have all of my rights to custody terminated with no visitation, and he wanted to move out of the area with the child...
reasons: I was a smoker, allowed my kids to eat sweets and drink soda, let them watch the movie "American Pie ll" (by accident) and at that time my husband(not the father), and I were verbally abusive to each other.
Father was awarded: 50% legal custody, primary physical custody, could not remove the child from the county.
Mother got: 50% legal custody, daily visitation, alternating weekends and shared holidays, couldn't smoke in child's presence
Nine months later,I divorced my husband(not the father), and the Father re-files again, using the same Declaration from 2001 filing and again asking for the same things: Terminate All My Custody and Visitation.
Father got: 50% legal custody, Sole Physical Custody, couldn't move the child from the county
Mother got: 50% legal custody, 1 day a week visitation, alternate weekends, shared holidays and 10 sessions of therapy and orderd to quit smoking
2005, I have now filed because the Father does all the thing those "Parent Alienators" do, and has changed son's school, never telling me, moved his residence, never told me, put's my son out of town during my visitation and/or enrolls him into sports program with the Father as the acting coach, all during my visitation. Never offering to make up my lost time. Child's punishment when getting in any trouble is "not being able to use phone to call mother". Enrolled my son into therapy because he claims my negative talk has caused their relationship harm and he openly admits that he records all of my phone conversations that I have with my son. FIGURED I WAS A FOR SURE WINNER NOW, SO I FILED FOR CUSTODY.
Went before the court mediator...he recommended:
50% legal custody, remain in place...Sole Physical Custody remain as is, Mother's visitation remain as is and, MOTHER completes 12 SESSIONS OF THERAPY and enroll into 6 week co-parenting course.
Now tell me..WOULD YOU HAVE SHOWED UP TO COURT WITHOUT SHOWING ANY EMOTIONS, I couldn't do it, it came out naturally and I still don't know what happened in court today. My son called, but I didn't pick up the phone, he left a message telling me that his Dad and him are going on a last minute camping trip and he was wondering how I was doing. That told me, the Father was awarded everything, so much so he's celebrating with a camping trip and then must have said something to my son, in order for him to ask how i was doing. I can't talk to him right now..hatin' myself bigtime!!
Ugh!! I'm getting the feeling you all seem to think I'm over re-acting and what's the big deal.
He changed my son's school to a town 23 miles away. I also have another son, who is 13 yrs old, from the other marriage. On Wed's, the boy's get out of school at that exact same time, 23 miles apart and I drive 100+ mph, so neither of them are left waiting long. On Friday's(alternating weekends), same thing, drive fast, they get out at the same time. Then come home 2hrs only to return back to the town 23 miles away to take my son to his games(which father is the coach to), that start at 8pm, we're home by 11pm. That wipes out quality time for visitation on my Friday. Then Father is allowed 2 calls a day on weekends to my son, not good enough he has physical custody, but then keeps my son on the phone for a total of 1 hour plus, all weekend, or perhaps he knowingly forgets to send needed medication, etc...making him have an excuse to come see my son to drop it off.
Or perhaps...puts the child at his parents on my visitation time without telling me. I call the police to document this..he tells them I was already in agreement with the loss of my visitation and I'm just being vendictive.
I seriously could go on forever...I just got remarried and my current husband is now wondering what the heck he got himself into and I see doubt of this lasting
He changed my son's school to a town 23 miles away. I also have another son, who is 13 yrs old, from the other marriage. On Wed's, the boy's get out of school at that exact same time, 23 miles apart and I drive 100+ mph, so neither of them are left waiting long. On Friday's(alternating weekends), same thing, drive fast, they get out at the same time. Then come home 2hrs only to return back to the town 23 miles away to take my son to his games(which father is the coach to), that start at 8pm, we're home by 11pm. That wipes out quality time for visitation on my Friday. Then Father is allowed 2 calls a day on weekends to my son, not good enough he has physical custody, but then keeps my son on the phone for a total of 1 hour plus, all weekend, or perhaps he knowingly forgets to send needed medication, etc...making him have an excuse to come see my son to drop it off.
Or perhaps...puts the child at his parents on my visitation time without telling me. I call the police to document this..he tells them I was already in agreement with the loss of my visitation and I'm just being vendictive.
I seriously could go on forever...I just got remarried and my current husband is now wondering what the heck he got himself into and I see doubt of this lasting
um
Um, how about the fact that you have uncontrollable crying and you are going through a stressful situation... Therapy doesn't mean you are crazy... It means you need some help. The act of caring for someone in itself is therapy, you cannot do that for others if you do not take care of yourself. Sometimes you need help to do that. You are already doubting your husband, that could be unfounded.
Nuff said... I hate this part of the forum boards, its so sad.
MsTKirk said:
Um, how about the fact that you have uncontrollable crying and you are going through a stressful situation... Therapy doesn't mean you are crazy... It means you need some help. The act of caring for someone in itself is therapy, you cannot do that for others if you do not take care of yourself. Sometimes you need help to do that. You are already doubting your husband, that could be unfounded.
Nuff said... I hate this part of the forum boards, its so sad.
Let me see if I get this straight. Your son called his mother out of concern...in other words your son is worried...has this on his mind...would like to talk to you so that he can feel better and your response was to not answer the phone because you are hating yourself?
Lady, the day you thought taking care of your emotions before you took care of the emotions of your child is the day you stopped being a mother to that child. PUll your head out of your ass and get real. If this father has done everything you say he has and you have documented it all with proof then you had no reason to fear showing up in court.
Also, if your son was privy to what was going on what the hell message do you think you have sent him by not showing up to court? Do you even care what message you have sent him? If you weren't going to follow through with it you shouldn't have started it in the first place. When you started it you said to your son that you thought he was worth fighting for. When you didn't follow through you said to him that you and your feelings were more importan than his. Why don't you cry me a river!! Thank God that child has a father who can take him on a last minute camping trip so that he won't be sitting at home waiting for his emotionally handicapped mother to call him back and put his mind at rest.
Are you serious? You've missed a custody hearing for your son. You've ignored a phone call from your son in which he expresses concern for you. You are posting to message board about hating yourself and you ask what you need therapy for.
You need tharapy to prove to the courts that you are serious about mothering your child. You need therapy because somewhere along the way you lost touch with the emotional responsibilities of a mother. You need therapy because the court mediator recognized in you the need for it and he was right on base. Go get it or do your son a favor and let him live his life without anymore waves from you.
stealth2
Under the Radar Member
To add to what the others said - because the mediator recommended it. How you take his/her suggestions on how to help yourself is going to have a huge bearing on how the judge views your petition. You hurt yourself and your case tremendously by blowing today's hearing off. You're compounding the damage by blowing off the mediator's recommendations. All it does is who the judge that you're not really serious about regaining custody of your son. And sends a pretty sad message to the kid.MsTKirk said:
But hey, your choice.
My court-ordered therapy (recommended by the mediator), was to address the issues of....ONLINE COMPUTER USE and SOCIALIZATION SKILLS ENHANCEMENT....she stated that a person who engages in online computer use to meet others and form friendships is not healthy, but she calimed that was only speculitive, but that I should address that in therapy.
I have two other children..I made mention to my other son, who is 13 yrs old and I have a duahgter who is 18 yrs old. Both of the same father but different of my 11 yr old son.
My son and daughter are Honor Roll Students, inducted into the National Jr Honor Society. My daughter scored so high on her SAT's that the Governer of Calif awarded her a $2500 scholarship account. My son a 7th grader, is the manager of his school's student store, involved in leadership. I fully partake in all school activities. My daughter now goes to college studying to be a Marine Biologist. My house is so immaculate you could eat off the floors, live in a LARGE 3 bd/2ba home, well-known within my community and have lived within the same town for 39 yrs.
Now the father to my 11 yr old son...now mind you this man is someone I had an extra-marital affair with, resulting in my son's birth. Moves from town to town, shares a 1bd apt, sharing the same bedroom with my son and changes my son's school of attendance as he changes towns of living in. Commits any violation of custody/visitation orders, I tolerated it for 2 yrs, all the while writing letters to him requesting he discuss issues pertaining to joint legal custody before making any sole decisions and if enrolling son into activities, again notify me first.
What mediator said: Mother is difficult to deal with and does not seem to want the child to participate in activities that he enjoys. Father claims she suffers from personality disorder.
Ok, do I still need therapy or is he still viewed by all as intentionally lashing out at me, making co-parenting difficult, lieing(which i can prove, with 'clear-n-convincing evidence, but courts won't hear me out)
It' a tough complex custody issue, this is why I felt it best for my son's sake not to partake in this crap any longer. He knows the truth, we discussed it and he understands if I should crumble-n-fold, it's not going to have any affect on mom/son love for each, but we just have to accept we don't always get what we want and that karma will some day get his dad back in some weird way. I know his father will provide a normal lifestyle for him and I will not have to worry about that issue. It was only because the father was driven with some motivation of gettin' me back for something I've yet to figure out. Since the father is the sole cause with lies, scams and deception perhaps he will now pay the price for the unwillingness to co-parent with me by now having to deal with the relationship my son and his, is about to take on, considering he chased me away. I'm just hoping my son can achieve peace in some sort of way, until the dirt gets kicked up again.
I have two other children..I made mention to my other son, who is 13 yrs old and I have a duahgter who is 18 yrs old. Both of the same father but different of my 11 yr old son.
My son and daughter are Honor Roll Students, inducted into the National Jr Honor Society. My daughter scored so high on her SAT's that the Governer of Calif awarded her a $2500 scholarship account. My son a 7th grader, is the manager of his school's student store, involved in leadership. I fully partake in all school activities. My daughter now goes to college studying to be a Marine Biologist. My house is so immaculate you could eat off the floors, live in a LARGE 3 bd/2ba home, well-known within my community and have lived within the same town for 39 yrs.
Now the father to my 11 yr old son...now mind you this man is someone I had an extra-marital affair with, resulting in my son's birth. Moves from town to town, shares a 1bd apt, sharing the same bedroom with my son and changes my son's school of attendance as he changes towns of living in. Commits any violation of custody/visitation orders, I tolerated it for 2 yrs, all the while writing letters to him requesting he discuss issues pertaining to joint legal custody before making any sole decisions and if enrolling son into activities, again notify me first.
What mediator said: Mother is difficult to deal with and does not seem to want the child to participate in activities that he enjoys. Father claims she suffers from personality disorder.
Ok, do I still need therapy or is he still viewed by all as intentionally lashing out at me, making co-parenting difficult, lieing(which i can prove, with 'clear-n-convincing evidence, but courts won't hear me out)
It' a tough complex custody issue, this is why I felt it best for my son's sake not to partake in this crap any longer. He knows the truth, we discussed it and he understands if I should crumble-n-fold, it's not going to have any affect on mom/son love for each, but we just have to accept we don't always get what we want and that karma will some day get his dad back in some weird way. I know his father will provide a normal lifestyle for him and I will not have to worry about that issue. It was only because the father was driven with some motivation of gettin' me back for something I've yet to figure out. Since the father is the sole cause with lies, scams and deception perhaps he will now pay the price for the unwillingness to co-parent with me by now having to deal with the relationship my son and his, is about to take on, considering he chased me away. I'm just hoping my son can achieve peace in some sort of way, until the dirt gets kicked up again.
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